There was a time when I thought that saying goodbye to Craig Dean was the hardest thing I would ever have to do.

I loved him, was in love with him and that was the one thing I never doubted. From the moment we met I knew there was something special about him. He let me behind the mask that he showed to the world, he showed me his vulnerability and his fears and I loved him.

I know he loved me too although he never said it. He was never able to say it. Loving me caused him pain, caused him conflict and anguish and in turn he would take that pain out on me.

I never felt more alive than when he held me in his arms, when he kissed me and when he made love to me. I never felt more alone than when he walked away.

There were times when we were alone that he would look at me and I thought my heart would break with the love I felt. There were times when he would look at me and my heart would break at the disgust in his eyes.

He could never understand his feelings for me and so he fought them and in fighting them he would hurt himself and in turn he would hurt me. Maybe he was trying to make me hate him, to stop me from loving him, but I never could and I never did.

There were times when I sat on my bed with the tears of rejection soaking my face that I would vow never to let him hurt me again, never to let him back into my arms, back into my bed. But then he would come to me with that look in his beautiful soft brown eyes, with that need, and I would crumble. I would hold him and love him and take the pain that I knew would follow.

But in the end I had to leave. The pain we caused each other was too destructive and I feared we would never survive it.

I can still remember the day we said goodbye. I had wanted a quiet farewell but still my family and friends gathered outside my home to see me go.

And the look in Craig's eyes made me want to weep. I wanted to hold him and kiss him and never let go. But I couldn't, nobody new what we were to each other, they could never know. As I said goodbye to his girlfriend I asked her to take care of him, I never knew if she did, I always hoped so.

As I turned to Craig I almost changed my mind. I wanted to scream out that I loved this man. Instead I just held him, a final hug for a friend, a final embrace for my lover. I whispered into his hair that I loved him and as I stepped back his eyes told me that he loved me too. The tears he was unable to shed sparkled in the sunlight.

We never said that we would keep in touch because we knew we wouldn't. We knew that I would never return to the village, to Chester. I would never write or call. It had to be goodbye; there could be no looking back.

Then I got into my taxi and I left him behind. I watched as the figure of him faded from view as he stood motionless, I often wondered how long he stood there

That was 10 years ago but I never forgot the boy that I loved.

I moved on. I created a new life for myself. A home, a job and good friends. I never told them about Craig, he was too special, and the memories of him were mine.

But tucked inside a drawer was an old worn photograph of a young man with gentle brown eyes laughing and happy.

I would sometimes look at that picture and smile as the memory of my love held me like the arms of an old friend.

I would sometimes look at that picture and weep as the memory of the love I lost cut through me like a blade.

There was a time when I thought that saying goodbye to Craig Dean was the hardest thing I would ever have to do. But then I met him again.