Oh how it hurt. Hurt so much more than she had ever let herself think or imagine it would. It was just one more time that she was able to see life just a bit more as if through his eyes. It saddened her to think of the Doctor having to endure that pain over and over again.
She felt she could go the rest of her life without attending another funeral. Slowly she drew her hand across her tired eyes. So many questions flowed through her weary mind and she tried to push them away for now as she contemplated her next steps now that the Doctor was gone.
She had gone back to calling him the Doctor shortly after Bad Wolf Bay. No John Smith for her. She smiled as she remembered how he had beamed at her when she told him that he was the Doctor to her still.
His had been a small funeral, unlike that of her mother's. Most of everyone they had known had long since passed.
Rose closed her eyes and tried to let her head clear but instead all the unanswered questions began swirling in front of her mind's eye desperately seeking attention.
Foremost in her mind was the TARDIS. Oh how dearly she loved it, almost as much as she loved the one in the other world. This one was such a dear baby to her though. It needed her so much, especially with no Doctor. Would it survive their upcoming trip? Who would care for it then?
Rose sighed and made her way back to the TARDIS from the memorial site. She had already burned his body in a private service per his instructions. Even though he was not a full time lord, he had not wanted to take any chances that someone would exploit his remains.
Slowly the TARDIS opened its doors in a comforting and understanding way almost as if it were opening its arms to receive Rose in a loving embrace. Rose stepped through the doors and walked to the console, lovingly running her hands over the TARDIS with her eyes closed recalling all of her adventures with the Doctor in this universe.
"Rose! Just think! A whole universe and we've never seen any of it! It's all new!" His voice rang out clearly in her mind. She couldn't repress a smile thinking of his gleeful expression and childish enthusiasm once the TARDIS was fully grown and ready to conquer space and time with them at the helm.
"Oh Doctor," she sighed, "I hope you knew how much I truly loved you." Rose breathed into the empty air.
All those years ago when they had discussed their plans of her finding her way back to the other universe after his…after…well….she had naively thought it would be easy. Now her heart ached with her loss. "And all I have are my memories, no children to carry on his legacy. All his brilliance died with him."
A silent tear made its way down Rose's cheek. She didn't think she had any more to cry. The memory of when they found out they couldn't have children was one she tried to keep repressed. It really had been for the better in the long run. They had had a wonderful life together.
"Rose, thank you for making being human worthwhile." The Doctor's gravelly voice had said to her one day near the end.
"Shhhhhh." She had responded placing her finger on his lips. "You never have to thank me for that. This life with you has been more than I could have asked for."
As he raised his hand to her face in that familiar way, she could see a look of pain and a flash of understanding. She still looked so young. She could almost see his thoughts as he understood the frustration his past companions must have felt at his prior inability to age, just regenerate. What Rose wouldn't have given to take away this realization from him.
She could see things from his point of view so much more clearly now. Why he was always running. Running away from his companions. His two hearts held such a magnitude of heartbreak and she understood why he couldn't look back at his dear frail human companions.
"But humans decay. You wither and you die. Imagine watching that happen to someone you..."
"What Doctor?" She had asked then, oh so naively.
"You can spend the rest of your life with me. But I can't spend the rest of mine with you. I have to live on, alone. That's the curse of the Timelords." He had responded.
"Or those with very slow biological clocks, yeah?" Rose asked the air with a sarcastic chuckle.
These thoughts brought her mind back around to the issue at hand. But she wasn't ready to tackle that yet. She wanted more time to mourn the Doctor and to give the TARDIS some extra care.
"So, where to old girl?" she whispered to the TARDIS, "Would you like to visit some of his favorite spots? You choose this time." She lovingly caressed the controls and then sat back in the jumpseat as the TARDIS groaned to life and began to work on its own. Rose smiled. She loved that the TARDIS was comfortable enough with her to let her see her personality the same as she did for the Doctor. Timelord she was not, but Rose truly appreciated this wonderful sentient being.
As Rose examined the monitor to see where they may be headed, she smiled at their destination. "Take your time dear," she told the TARDIS, "I think I'll go lay down in our bed for a bit."