Good-Bye
Warnings: This is a song fic. Angst.
Rating: PG-13
A/N: Someone challenged me to write a fic using the DBZ fandom to this song. This was what I came up with. FB welcome and appreciated.
I do not own the characters or the song. Funimation, Akira Toriyama and Sarah McLachlan have that honor.
Song: "Song For A Winter's Night"
Artist: Sarah McLachlan
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The lamp is burnin' low upon my table top
The snow is softly fallin'
The air is still within the silence of my room
I hear your voice softly callin'
Chi-chi stirred and raised her head from the desk, where she had fallen asleep. Too many late nights in a row were starting to take their toll on her. Wisps of hair had escaped the normally severe bun that usually kept her hair pulled off her face and, absent-mindedly, she pushed them out of her face.
Outside, snow was blanketing the ground and the moon cast shadows that stretched eerily towards the window. Chi-chi stood up and pulled the curtains closed. She turned the lights off in every room as she walked down the hall. A quick stop in Gohan's room proved that he was sleeping soundly. She eased the door shut gently behind her, and went into Goten's room, but he was snoring softly, in that cute way only a baby can manage.
She went into the master bedroom and quietly undressed. She would never get used to thinking of it as her room. She would never get used to sleeping in the bed alone. Goku had been gone for over a year, but she didn't know if she would ever get used to that. Or if she could ever forgive him that...
She moved to pull the curtains shut in her room, but hesitated, caught up by the beauty of the snowfall outside. Instead, she extinguished the lamps, leaving only a single candle burning to light the room. Pulling a robe around her, she stared outside, feeling tears prick her eyes.
With the house so quiet, standing here staring outside, she could almost here Goku's voice. He had been a lot of things, not all of them good, but he had been hers. And she missed him.
If I could only have you near
To breathe a sigh or two
I would be happy just to hold the hands I love
Upon this winter night with you
Chi-chi prided herself on being practical. She had learned a long time ago that she couldn't depend on anyone to take care of her family. Goku did his best, but many times it had fallen on her shoulders to pick up the pieces of his latest battle to save the earth from danger. And she had always done so. She had been strong for herself and strong for Gohan. But, this time… she couldn't seem to move on. It felt unfinished.
She had never had a chance to say good-bye to Goku and she suspected that was the reason she couldn't let him go. Life had been so crazy before the Cell Games. He and Gohan had been so intense, so focused… She had known that it was dangerous. She had understood that it was likely that the world might end, but she had been able to face that, because she didn't think she'd have to face it alone. In her subconscious mind, she had expected to always have Goku come back to her.
He had faced danger before. He had gone missing before. He'd even died before. But never before had he refused to return to them. Gohan had explained everything to her, trying his best to be brave when he said that Goku had refused the wish to bring him back from the afterlife.
She hadn't taken the news well. Why would Goku not come back? Gohan had said something about Goku saying it was him time… but Chi-chi didn't understand that. How could it have been his time? He hadn't died of natural causes, he had died because of Cell. He had left too much behind for it to have been his time. Gohan… Goten… her.
She wouldn't lie to herself and pretend that life had been one long honeymoon. He had been a warrior and he had lived a warrior's life. It had sounded so romantic at first. Warriors were heroes who fought monsters, saved damsels in distress, and always saved the day.
The fairy tales had never discussed the ones left behind. They made no mention of the wives who spent anxious nights wondering if they were widows or the children who would never know their fathers. A tear threatened to spill down her face, and she brushed it away.
Goku's absence hurt them all. She had never had a chance to say good-bye to her husband, but she didn't know if that was better or worse than Gohan, who still had nightmares about Goku's death, or Goten, who had never even met his father. She only knew that she missed him with every fiber of her being.
She dreamed about him at night. She dreamed that he was fishing with Gohan or tickling Goten until he shrieked with laughter. She dreamed that the two of them were walking together, as they had often done, just holding hands. Despite it all, she had never doubted that Goku had loved her as much as he was able.
She sighed. That had always been enough. Just holding hands had made her forget the bad aspects of her marriage and remember how much she loved her husband. At that moment, with the winter's cold outside, she would have given anything to be able to take her husband's hand again. Just that small gesture would have made everything alright this time, too.
At least for the moment.
The smoke is rising in the shadows overhead
My glass is almost empty
I read again between the lines upon the page
The words of love you sent me
A soft popping sound pulled her attention away from the window and she turned to find its source. Her candle had burned nearly out and tendrils of smoke were rising to the ceiling and circling lazily. She walked over to blow the candle out, but stopped when she brushed against the dresser, sending something floating to the floor.
She knelt to pick up the paper and froze when she recognized it. It was a birthday card that Goku had given to her years ago. He hadn't always been good about remembering the important days, but occasionally he had come through. His taste in cards had run towards jokes, but, for whatever reason, this card had been serious.
It was simple and to the point: Happy Birthday to the person I want to share my life with.
Chi-chi couldn't stop the tears from escaping any longer. She remembered him giving her that card and then pressing a kiss on her cheek. "I mean it Chi…" He had smiled at her, with that wide eyed, childish innocence that he'd never outgrown and she had felt her heart melt.
In a sudden moment of anger, she swiped her arm across the dresser, sending its contents to the floor. "Damn it, Goku! If you wanted to spend your life with me, why didn't you choose life when you had the choice?"
"How could you leave us?" The words were whispered, but her heart was screaming. "What could have been more important than your family, Goku?" She was unaware of the tears streaming down her face or the card that she still held in her hand.
It was the smell of perfume that reached through the wall of her pain. Using her free hand to wipe her eyes, she noticed that one of the bottles she had flung from the dresser had broken. Kneeling, she started to clean up the mess.
"Twelve years of marriage… and I end up with a birthday card and an empty bottle of perfume." Bitterly, she threw the shattered bottle away, then she hesitated. "And our sons…"
"You gave me our sons, Goku. I can't hate you." She stood again, swaying uncertainly, "But, I still don't understand."
Carefully, she made her way back over to the chair and eased down until she was sitting. Tucking her feet under her, she turned her gaze back to the snowfall, not caring that the tears were still making silent tracks down her face.
If I could know within my heart
That you were lonely too
I would be happy just to hold the hands I love
Upon this winter night with you
Still clutching the card, she wondered if Goku ever thought of her and his sons. She hoped that he could see them and that he knew that he had a second son. The anger drained away as she thought of how much Goku was missing by not being there.
The big things in life could be dealt with. She would find a school for Gohan to attend and she would make sure that Goten had what he needed to grow up healthy and strong. But it was the small things in life that she ached to share with Goku.
If she could have just one more day with him... Just one chance to tell him about Goten's first laugh, and Gohan's test scores. She wanted to share with him the way the snow fell on the trees and the soft tinkling of the wind chimes in the wind. She wanted to talk to him about meaningless things and have him talk back to her.
With a mixture of fondness and exasperation, she remembered how he'd often interfered with her plans for Gohan's studies. He had given her that slightly amused expression, "He's healthy and happy, Chi-chi. What more do you want?"
Shaking her head, she knew that she had never wanted more for her family than that. She still wanted that, but now she wanted Goku back. She wanted him to tease her about worrying about Gohan's grades. She wanted to scold him for tossing Goten in the air. She wanted him to track mud through the house and accidentally break something.
She had spent years being furious at him for such behavior, but she had known it was part of who he was and she had loved him for it, despite it, all the more because of it. She would give anything to have him back and doing it all again.
She remembered the first time he had held Gohan. She had bitten back a warning about how a baby wasn't strong enough to take his manhandling, but she needn't have worried. He had been surprisingly gentle. In fact, Goku had carried Gohan like he was a precious treasure… and he was. She had watched, fascinated, as Goku's had held Gohan with hands scarred with years' worth of battles. She didn't think she had ever loved him more than that moment.
She wished that she had the same memory about Goten. She wanted Goten to grow up with a father and a mother. She wanted Gohan to smile more. She desperately wanted to know that Goku missed them even a fraction as much as he was missed by them.
If he did… if she knew that he sometimes stared out of a window and thought of her… she could forgive him for leaving them. She would never stop loving him, but she wanted to be able to forgive him, too.
The fire is dying now, my lamp is growing dim
The shades of night are liftin'
The mornin' light steals across my windowpane
Where webs of snow are driftin'
The candle burned out with a barely audible hiss and the room was plunged into darkness. She knew that she should have slept, but it had proven elusive. Instead, she had watched the snow fall through the long night hours and let her mind wander through memories of Goku.
She remembered the first time she had seen him. He'd been only a boy, but then she'd been only a girl. They had known each other only a few hours before she had known, at the tender age of eight, that she was going to marry that boy.
She had told him so, too. A smile flitted across her face at that memory. Goku had blindly agreed to marry her. When she had met him again, as a young woman, she had reminded him of that promise and he had kept it.
They hadn't seen each other in years and the eight year old boy had grown into a dashing young man. They'd met again at the Budokai Tournament and she faced him in during an elimination round. She still remembered how much trouble he'd gone to so that he never had to actually hit her. She hadn't shown him the same leniency, although… She laughed at the memory. It was a good thing he was agile, or she'd have clobbered him.
In the end, desperate to know why she refused to tell him who she was, he had pushed her out of bounds, winning the round. She had lived up to her part of the bet and told him who she was and that she was angry because they were supposed to get married and he'd never come back again. It had been a childish dream, but one she had clung to over the years. He'd apologized and then, in a moment of romanticism, had proposed to her again.
Often, over the years, she had wondered if she should have said anything. How different would her life have been if she had not married Goku?
She didn't regret it. Not a single moment of it. She had two sons whom she loved with all her heart. She couldn't regret anything that had led to them being in her life. And she had loved Goku, too, more than she could say. She couldn't imagine loving anyone else, and she knew she couldn't have loved anyone more.
Through the frost tinted window glass, Chi-chi could see dawn streaking across the horizon. One more lonely night survived. She rose gracefully from the chair. In another hour, she would have two hungry children demanding breakfast. After that, there was laundry to do; chores to supervise; homework projects to help with; and the myriad of other daily activities that had become her life.
She would never forget her husband. He stared back at her from the eyes of the two people she loved most in this world. But, time didn't slow down to allow her to get over her grief. Goku was gone. He had moved on and she would have to move on, too.
She couldn't tell Goku how much she loved him, but she would never miss the opportunity with their sons. They needed her, and she would be there for them. She hesitated as she approached the door and turned back. She stared at their wedding picture as the sunlight from the window streamed into the room and illuminated it. Goku's smiling face looked back at her, almost as if he approved of her decision.
She smiled back at the photograph and then left the room. Quietly, she walked down the hall. It was time to move on, but she wouldn't forget… As long as she had her sons, she couldn't forget.
If I could only have you near
To breathe a sigh or two
I would be happy just to hold the hands I love
And to be once again with with you
To be once again with with you