Disclaimer: It is a good thing JE doesn't play with MM very often ... they are a gift she gave us all and didn't realize it.

A/N: Manny, Zero, and Lester walked into a bar ... As usual, just a little twisting and turning for Valentine's Day.

Naked with Pearls
A Lester Santos/Manny Ramos/Zero short for Valentine's Day
by Alfonsina

I love Valentine's Day. Heck, I like the first part of February because it makes optimists of most women. It is the brief season when the jaded and desperate once again believe, if only for a few moments that Cupid's aim will be true and they will indeed find their appropriate partner for life, or maybe just the weekend. When I think of Cupid, I think of a version of Santa providing roses, chocolates, and sex toys. But that's just me and my list is the same every year.

"Lester, it's time to pay up." Even as I said the words at the Sidetrack Tap, they felt incredibly déjà vu. Then again, when I was a kid, I had no problem swiping candy from my sisters' grubby little hands. This is more of the same, just a different kind of candy and on a bigger, and better, scale. I held my right hand out expectantly, in the left was a cold brew.

"No way, Manny." Lester stuffed his right hand in his back pocket in effort to protect his wallet. "You wanted to deceive me. Again." The padawan learner isn't always as quick as he likes to think, but that's why I keep Lester around. He reminds me of me, but more gullible and a lot more trusting. Besides, when Zero is out of town or prowling on his own and I could usually get Les to play wingman for me. Women like Les because he looks approachable, all big green eyes and overly bleached teeth, and they like me because I'm me. Some nights we come across badly like an old black and white comedy routine, other nights we are well oiled, and lubed, and good results follow. Enough said.

Lester should have known based on all of the bets he's lost in the past six years, which was most of them, that if it seems too good to be true, well, you get the idea. The old saying, "There's one born every minute," definitely applies to my relationship with Lester.

I hope he never changes.

Meaning, if he had actually read the on-line ad looking for companionship - an open relationship without jealousy if you will - he wouldn't be so disappointed now and he wouldn't owe me one-hundred bucks and he wouldn't owe Zero fifty. I think he got stuck on the whole "sitting by your feet in order to better worship you" phrase that was thrown out in the phone interview. That is was followed by comments about "playing hard regularly and often" didn't hurt either.

"Buyer beware and all that shit," Zero said. "It isn't like anyone twisted your arm."

Nope. No one had twisted his arm. Then again, no one should have necessarily pointed out the ad entitled, "Naked with Pearls" in the females seeking companionship section of that particular periodical.

Actually the total truth is that I should never have posted the ad, but it seemed like a good idea at the time and it only cost about five bucks. Personally, I've never been able to resist any female willing to open the door wearing only a pearl necklace and a smile. Turns out, neither could Lester.

I think it must have been the Valentine's Day devil that made me do it. Not Cupid. The other guy. You know the one they draw in red who sits on your shoulder and gives you wicked ideas while the white one sits on the other shoulder telling you to be boring and safe? Well, I let the devil guide my fingers one night after a long shift when I couldn't shut down my mind. Besides my short relationship with Karli got me thinking of what I could do for her. She had unselfishly given of herself a couple of weeks ago and I figured one good turn, or two or three, deserved another. Favor for favor isn't a bad system, it can just get messy if you don't document it completely.

The ad was very short and to the point, "I want to greet you every night naked in nothing but my pearls because I'm young, fit, limber, and love showing off my body. I promise to be enthusiastic and a good listener. I promise I will be faithful and loyal, but don't demand the same of you. If you'd like to meet…"

Zero and I had gone over all of the questions Lester might have. Then we engineered answers to intrigue him and better bait the line and then we gave them to Karli. Turned out the only question Lester had was, "Is she a natural blonde?" The answer was, yes, but more light honey than the color of French's Mustard. He never asked about: formal education; overall health; age; past relationships; plans for the future. All he cared about was hair color.

How would he know her? It sure wasn't going to be by the copy of Pride and Prejudice sitting on the corner of the table. What? I've had to sit through "You've Got Mail" to prove I'm sensitive and understanding more than once; usually that movie is the kiss of death on a fledgling relationship. Karli had him email a picture of himself and he would be met near the park at 11:30 for a picnic. Karli told him that he would know her by the pearls and the red balloon.

"Besides, I don't think I owe you anything since things worked out so well with Traci," Lester said.

"Traci?" Zero asked. "Who the heck is Traci?"

"I met her this afternoon with Ginger." He beamed as he said, "Traci has offered to help me on the weekends with discipline issues."

My look must have been blank. Ginger was supposed to be with Karli. I didn't know any Traci. Did I? Was it a different dog? Did it really matter? Nah. Discipline? Lucky Lester.

"You know, it wasn't very nice for the two of you to set me up with a dog," Lester said.

"Whose? Yours or the dogs?" Zero asked.

I shrugged and tried not to laugh. Ginger was a yellow lab mix puppy, about six months old and already over fifty pounds. She had been returned to the shelter because she could be destructive if left alone and she was already larger at six months than they expected her to be when she was fully grown. The day she shredded the blanket and the pillows in the master bedroom, her owners had had enough and gave her back. Ginger made a great first impression, but when her past was divulged, no one wanted to take the chance.

"Besides, if I remember the bet correctly, if I won, I got to triple my money."

"Our money." A statuesque strawberry blonde with a husky voice emerged behind Lester. She was wearing a pair of jeans so tight they could have been painted on and a shirt so low and open there was no doubt that Victoria had very few secrets left to tell. "You promised me half the other night on the phone. Right, sweetie?" She put her hands on Lester's hips and kissed the side of his neck.

On the phone? The little padawan learner had come a long way. Too bad. "Played me, did you?" I asked.

"Oh, yeah," Lester said. "I recognized the phone number on the ad and knew it was too good to be true. When I called, Traci answered the phone. We got to know each other and, well, you know."

I shot him a quizzical look. It was the back line to the county humane society, it shouldn't have been listed either in the book or on line. Oh well. Next time, I'll make sure to double check all of the little details.

"I used to volunteer there years ago and it was the number the volunteers used to bypass the public line," Lester said. "My sister still goes once a month." He shrugged.

"Les, we need to go play," Traci said. "Ginger's waiting and we all need to go toy shopping." She ran her finger up and down his neck.

"Come on, Manny. Pay up," Lester said. "You too, Zero. I evidently have toys to buy tonight." He looked over at Traci and asked, "Any of the toys for you? I was thinking they were all going to be for Ginger. Any toys you might want to share with me?" He waggled his eye brows. "Do you want a pearl necklace of your own tonight?"

"I don't share my toys," she said. "Not until at least the third date. And then maybe we can negotiate something. Besides, I don't really like pearls; chains we can talk about, later. In private."

"See, I've got people to do and things to buy." Traci popped him gently on the back of the head. "Strike that and reverse it," he said.

Great. I didn't have enough cash. I'd been expecting Lester to pay me tonight. I looked over to Zero, raised an eyebrow and asked, "Got any green stuff on you?"

"Enough to pay Les, but I'm not covering your debts."

Fine. I won't help him out the next time he needs it.

"Fine." I turned toward Lester and said, "Can I catch you on Monday? We can square up then."

"Uh, no. Come on, I'm pretty sure there's an ATM around here and you can cash advance your credit card."

Ah, well he has been watching the master.

May Valentine's Day be full of Nearly Naked and Naughty Men and unconditional love. If it isn't, chocolate goes on sale the next day.

Thanks as always for reading and reviewing. Alf.