A/N : Please read and review! I love reviews, but please remember to keep any criticsm constructive. :D
Chapter 1
Making It Through
Beep. Beep. Beep.
The alarm clock was screaming in the silence of the early morning and I reached out to silence it. While entirely annoying, I was happy to be woken from my dreams. Not even they were safe from my pain anymore. Instead of jumping out of bed and starting my day with motivation, I laid there staring out the window at the pounding rain. The rain and cold had come in the night after an unusually warm day yesterday. This suited my mood much better and I sat up slowly. Alice and Rosalie were already gone to Seattle for the day and I made my way downstairs, bypassing the small pantry and heading for the coffee maker, where I poured a cup and returned to my room, grateful for Alice's remembering my love of coffee.
Thankful for the silence and lack of worrying looks, I curled into the chair and picked up the book from the side table. The Mercy of Thin Air by Ronylyn Domingue. Turning to page 273, I tried to find interest in the book that I had been reading for over a month now. Claiming I needed some hobbies, Esme had graciously given me a box full of books and often asked about how I was enjoying them. This was the first one and I was finding it hard to make my through it. While grateful to have something to do where I could claim that I needed alone time, I rarely thought about the material I was reading. I turned to the next page and read as Razi professed her love Andrew, yet hesitated at the thought of marrying him.
What I wouldn't give to be able to have my husband back. I found myself getting annoyed with Razi and set the book back down. Such a selfish girl. A man wanting to love her unconditionally forever and she found it hard to accept. Knowing that this train of thought would only bring back unwanted memories, I decided now was the best time to go grocery shopping and grabbed a pair or track pants and a t-shirt. Changing quickly, I walked into the bathroom and brushed my teeth and hair. Staring at myself in the mirror and contemplating whether to put my hair up or leave it down, I realized that I looked as if I had aged ten years. It had only been two months since the war started, but I felt as if years had passed. Time managed to go by painstakingly slow, but it moved without incident and passed by me quickly.
I walked back into my room and noticed the book I had closed and laid on the table was lying open. I looked around quickly and shook my head at my immediate hope that someone had done it. I studied the book to make sure it wasn't bent and seeing that it wasn't, I shook my head and headed downstairs to grab my purse. Checking that my wallet was there and not lost somewhere in my mess of a room, I barely noticed the rain picking up outside. I grabbed my pullover and an umbrella and headed towards the garage to the silver Volvo that I now drove. My truck had finally died one night and upon Edward's insistence, I finally took ownership of the Volvo. Getting in, I was surprised to find the radio blaring at top volume and quickly cut it off.
I dug in my purse and found a pack of cigarettes and my lighter. Lighting the cigarette, I inhaled deeply, all the while silently cursing myself for continuing such a disgusting habit. The garage door lifted slowly and I pulled out slowly.
Speeding along the highway, I was careful to avoid potholes and animals. The parking lot at Forks' SuperValue was nearly empty and I took a spot near the door. Throwing the umbrella open and racing towards the door, I tripped and managed to throw my hands in front of myself to keep from slamming into the asphalt below. I pulled myself up and noticed the scratches and rock embed in them as they bleed slowly.
Walking back to the Volvo, I held the umbrella close and popped the trunk. A first aid kit sat on the trunk's floor and I searched through it for an alcohol swipe and bandages. My clumsiness and living with two vampires, who have a hard time fighting blood, taught me to be prepared for these situations. If Alice and Rosalie happened to be home and I came in with bleeding hands, it probably wouldn't be the most comfortable situation for any of them, even with their ability to abstain from drinking human blood.
While I finished taping the bandage, I noticed the rain getting heavier. It now came down quickly in large, painful drops and I closed the trunk, hurrying into the store without further incident. Thankful to be dry and warm, I closed the umbrella and passed the large carts, instead opting for a smaller hand-held basket. There's really no need for a ton of food when I'm the only one who needs it to live.
I collected the things, checking off my small list as I went. Thankful that it all fit in one bag, I made my way back to the car and drove slowly back to the house. It was almost twelve now and Rosalie and Alice wouldn't be gone much longer. I pulled into the garage and gathered my things, making my way into the still silent house. I entered the kitchen and set the bag and my purse on the table and decided to go onto the porch and smoke one more cigarette before they returned. Even though they technically couldn't breathe, their sense of smell was just fine and they weren't really fans of the smoking habit I had picked up.
I walked into the large hallway that led to the foyer and front door and was surprised to see the front door standing wide open. "Alice! Rose!" I called out. No response other than the pounding rain and thunder from outside. I shook my head at my jumpy nerves and walked outside to sit in one of the comfortable chairs that Rosalie had insisted on having when helping me decorate. That was so long ago when Edward and I were getting ready to be married. I lit the cigarette just as Alice and Rosalie pulled up and the garage door lifted, allowing them to pull the stunningly yellow Porsche into it's space next to my Volvo. Seconds later, Rosalie stuck her head out the front door.
"Company?" she asked softly. Since the war had started, she and I had become much more close than I had ever thought possible. "Sure." I put the cigarette out in the Coke can that sat next to me. "That's going to kill you one day," she said, sliding into the chair across from me. Can't be soon enough, I thought, but instead said," I'm trying to quit. Did you have fun on your trip?" I hoped she'd take the bait and talk about something she loved much more than me…herself.
"Would have been better if we had taken the Navigator. Alice just loves to drive that ridiculously small car around and there's not much space to stick shopping bags. Limited to space, we only hit a few stores," she replied, studying her nails and then the tips of her hair. I laughed quietly at Rosalie's predicament and shook my head. "You and I should go tomorrow. I have nothing to do and you haven't left the house in weeks," she said, looking up at me and dropping her hands to her lap.
"For your information, I went to the grocery store this morning. Oh and I visited the lovely DMV to get my license changed yesterday," I replied, rolling my eyes. Her smile softened and she titled her head to study my face. "You decided to get it changed after all?" I nodded and thought about my serious procrastination problem. After Edward and I had married, I had put off getting my license and other information changed to Cullen. I legally took his last name, but the thought of not being Bella Swan ever again prompted me to put off the changing off all official documents. I could be Bella Swan now if I wanted to, but I choose to keep the Cullen. I felt a lot of things towards and about my husband, but shame was never one of them
Before I knew what was happening, Alice appeared in front of me. "Esme called. She wants to know if we'll come over and 'chat' with her." She did a lovely show of air quotes when she said the word chat and I smiled at my best friend. She looked at Rose, who nodded and then at me. "I'll call her and tell her to just come over here. She is the one who needs to get out of the house," I said, shooting a look at Rosalie, who just shrugged.
Alice handed me her cellphone and I dialed Esme's house. A number I had dialed a million times in the last two months. She picked up on the second ring and said she'd be there in ten minutes. I hung up and told them what she had said. "I really don't understand why she doesn't just come stay with us," Rosalie said, turning her head and staring out into the rain. Esme had told me why she stayed at the original Cullen house. All her happiest memories of the last few years with her family were in that house and when Carlisle got back, she wanted the house just as he had left it. The only problem was that no one was sure when Carlisle was coming back.
"Anything today?" Rosalie asked Alice, who shook her head and frowned. "It's like my mind has been shut off completely." I sighed at my friend's obvious frustration and placed a hand on her back. "It'll come back eventually. I've done some reading and apparently, extreme stress can cause things to stall or stop altogether," I said, as she looked at me. "Reading on vampires? Is there some sort of book I don't know about? Vampire Encyclopedia? The Un-Dead Explained?" she quipped and laughed slightly at her own joke. I knew as well as she did how frustrating and stressful it was for her not to have her visions.
It was the reason that Alice, Rosalie, and I live together.
It was the reason Carlisle, Jasper, and Emmett were missing.
It was the reason that my Edward was dead.