INTRODUCTION
As an experiment in idea generation and getting into character head spaces, I decided to try writing a character viewpoint piece for every single episode of a show. As I had most recently become enamored with Supernatural, that's the one I chose.
None of the snippets contain spoilers for episodes that take place later in the series, and all are my purely speculative explorations on what the characters might be thinking. No pairings or implications of pairings other than explicitly canon ones will appear. Although I contemplated just posting the best ones, it felt like that would seem incomplete, so each chapter has at least one piece for every episode from a given season.
Viewpoints change on an episode-to-episode basis. I attempted to give roughly equal time and sympathetic treatment to the characters, but my own biases may show through in a few places.
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1x01 (Pilot): Haunted - It's A Ghost Story
Sam hates himself for it, more than just a little bit. He wanted out of the life, and he was working at making a place for himself in the normal world at Stanford. Everything he had there - his degree, his friends, Jess most of all – they were all the kind of normal he'd left his crazy family crap behind to seek out.
Except as much as he's sure he wanted out and wants to stay out, he keeps finding himself enjoying this hunt against his own better judgment. The adrenaline rush when the car chases them across that bridge is such a high once he's sure Dean's fine. The satisfaction of putting the pieces together when he realizes Constance is a Woman in White and later what it means that she keeps saying she can't go home.
Adding that on top of spending time with someone he doesn't have to constantly worry about giving himself away to? Even with Jess after as long as they've been together, he always wonders if he's only a few steps away from doing something too weird for her to dismiss. The fact that the person in question is his brother who probably knows him better than anyone else in the world, that he had to cut himself off from to get away from it all – well, he can't quite help himself from having a good time.
While it's happening he doesn't see anything wrong with that. He's not tempted to go back to the life, not really. Sure, Dean's right, they do save people. The satisfaction of that isn't a lure he's completely immune to. But Sam knows that part of all of this enjoyment is simply an old familiarity being reclaimed, a ghost of his past resurfacing. He doesn't really want it, even if it feels good right now, so he can write it off as a temporary echo of his old life.
Then everything changes. When he's standing, numb, outside the burning building – Oh God, Jess. That's when he really hates himself for it. He left the life for a reason, and if he'd only been here, if he hadn't been off with his brother enjoying a hunt …
Sam Winchester knows plenty about being haunted in the various senses of the word. Unfortunately, guilt isn't one of the things you can salt and burn.
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1x02 (Wendigo): All You've Got
Family. That's what it all came down to. It was a lesson he knew by heart: family is the only thing you have. To hear those words echoed back to him by the girl pretty much sealed the deal for him that they had to help her. Hailey and her two brothers were the most important things in each others' lives. Dean felt the same way about his own small, fractured family.
He got why Sam was so desperate to find Dad right this minute, but Dean knew it wasn't gonna happen that soon. Sam didn't want to hear that, though, and he found himself caught between trying to brace his brother for reality or to let him figure it out in his own time. It was clear nearly right off that John Winchester had never been here, just as it had been completely clear he'd meant for them to come along and finish up his last case long after he'd left the area. They weren't gonna find the man a minute sooner than he wanted to be found, and that clearly wasn't what he wanted from them right now. It sucked, but railing against it wouldn't help any. That was something Sam had just never understood about their dad.
He definitely would not deal well at all the longer it took them to catch up to the old man. Sam was in a hurry, but for Dean, it was a such a relief to have a partner to work with who was actually a partner and not a boss. He was even the more experienced part of the team for once, which was a nice change from always feeling a step behind. Or worse, being solo and worrying about screwing up without backup. When Sam figured out that their dad was staying away on purpose, though, Dean was pretty sure it'd turn into a fight. Even if the fight was really with their dad, Dean was pretty sure he'd be stuck in the middle as a convenient proxy for Sam's anger. That was one part of their old family dynamic he could live without getting back.
So he'd do what he could to put Sam off for a while, try and get him to cool down, and they'd finish this case. It wouldn't work forever, but surely Dad would finish up whatever he was doing and tell them something eventually. He just hoped it didn't take too long for Sam. He didn't want to get left behind.
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1x03 (Dead in the Water): Those Who are Silent
Sam didn't remember his mom. He'd been only six months old when she died, and he'd always found it a bit annoying that both Dean and his dad didn't seem to actually get that she might as well have been a stranger to him. He'd never really felt her death the way they seemed to, because it had been a fact of life that she was gone by the time he was truly able to be aware of anything.
He'd always assumed that Dean only talked the way he did about her because his brother had always been so eager to emulate their dad and win his approval. He'd never really thought that Dean might have been old enough to actually, distinctly remember their mother. Perhaps a few vague impressions, but it just didn't seem likely that he could clearly remember either her life or her death. To hear him state so vehemently that watching a parent die was something you could never forget felt almost like a physical blow. Watching Dean trying to pry a response out of Lucas, Sam found himself reevaluating more than one assumption he'd made about his brother.
Dean was always so silent (and dismissive) on the subject of emotions that it was hard sometimes not to take that at face value. Here and now, Sam found himself getting a glimpse underneath the devil-may-care attitude that his brother wore like armor. It wasn't that he didn't believe his brother had strong emotions; Dean was always just so damn good at redirecting away from them. He was opening up for Lucas, though. Sam wasn't sure if he should feel lucky to actually get to see his brother being so genuine or be irked that Dean had never and probably would never be so open with him.
That wasn't even all, as this case was apparently just full of surprises coming from his brother. Sam had been confident when he'd laughed and refuted Dean's assertion that he loved kids in what had just seemed like another embarrassingly transparent attempt to find a hook-up. The more he saw Dean interact with Lucas, though, the clearer it was that Sam had no idea. What else didn't he know about his brother? The one thing he was pretty sure of was that Dean would never tell him himself.
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1x04 (Phantom Traveler): Fears
He'd been reminded of his fears from the moment they'd first heard that the case had to do with airplanes. At the time, it was irrational to think that it might mean he'd have to end up in a plane. Hey, he didn't have many fears, but the ones he did really bothered him and he couldn't quite shake the thought. Dean figured he should be forgiven for the paranoia, because everybody's got fears. Even bad-ass hunters like himself, not that he'd admit it out loud.
When they realized that there was a demon killing the survivors of the original crash, he'd still been able to squash down his unease. He was pretty sure Sam hadn't even noticed. Then his stupid little brother had to go and suggest they get on the plane to save Amanda's flight. Sure, it was reasonable, but he didn't have to like it.
It sure as hell didn't help when Sam patronized him about it, assumed he was too stupid to know what the name of God was in Latin, and then oh-so-calmly pointed out he was just opening himself up to possession. Dammit, Sammy was the little brother – Dean sure as hell didn't need to be coddled. Even if he was only barely keeping it together.
Things only got worse as time ticked away and they weren't able to find the demon anywhere. Dean was just starting to allow himself to hope that maybe the demon really wasn't on the plane when they found the thing in the friggin' copilot with only 12 minutes to the deadline. Awesome.
Most of the rest of the plane ride was a rush of urgency lost in the following near-crash of pants-wetting terror that seemed to stretch on forever. Yeah, he was afraid. Still, like any other job, it was worth it at the end. For all the fear and trauma, they exorcised the demon and saved all those people. Not to mention all the ones from potential future flights. That wasn't the stuff of nightmares. At least not to him.
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1x05 (Bloody Mary): Killed By Guilt
It's pretty clear that Dean just doesn't understand, and Sam doesn't really want him to. Even if he wasn't worried about what Dean would say about the supernatural nature of the prescient dreams (and he was), he didn't want to hear it. He didn't want to hear about how it wasn't his fault. The only thing that could possibly be worse was if once Dean knew, he stopped saying that it wasn't Sam's fault.
As solicitous as he'd been these last weeks over the nightmares and sleeplessness, Sam was pretty sure Dean would never outright blame him for what had happened to Jess. At least short of having actually physically killed her himself. That was just how Dean saw him, the little brother that needed to be protected and reassured, and it would only be worse when he was so clearly vulnerable.
That didn't mean it wasn't Sam's fault though. Everything the reflection had said was from his own head and worse, it was true. He may not have known that the dreams in particular would come true, but he had known what was out there in the darkness. He knew demons, ghosts, and monsters existed. He could have taken a few sensible precautions and the thing that had killed Jess would have never been able to enter their apartment. But he wanted to seem normal, so he didn't. The consequences of that were on him, and there was nothing that would change that. He wasn't Charlie, she was truly blameless and of course Dean couldn't see the difference because he didn't know. He didn't want to know what Dean would say if he knew.
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1x06 (Skin): Underneath it All
This isn't Dean. This isn't Dean talking to him right now, and he really, really needs to remember that. Sam still can't quite help himself from wondering if what the shapeshifter wearing his brother's face is saying is true.
Yeah, it's obvious that this thing is messing with him on purpose by saying the most hurtful things it can come up with. That doesn't mean what it is saying isn't the truth. Sometimes the truth hurts worse than lies after all, and he's asked it enough pointed questions to tell it knows what's in Dean's head.
He's trying to make himself dwell instead on wondering where is brother is. When that's sorted there isn't much time to think beyond the immediate concerns until everything is over and done with and they're all staring at a dead replica of Dean. Even after trying to kill it himself and having the thing beat the crap out of him, that is still just hard to look at.
The only thing he's completely sure of is that the real Dean would never in a million years ever say any of the things the shapeshifter had. He would never say them, but that didn't mean he hadn't thought them. Perhaps even that he wasn't still thinking them on some level.
That thing wasn't Dean. It definitely wasn't really his brother. Somehow that didn't just make it all better. Especially when Dean echoes its words as they're driving out of town. Yeah, it's in a completely different inflection with completely different context, sure. It's still incredibly unsettling.
His brother isn't impossible to read, especially for Sam. So it's probably true that he could just ask if Dean ever resented him, and no matter what Dean said, Sam would get some idea of what his brother really felt. He doesn't ask though. He isn't sure enough he really wants to know to chance it.
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1x07 (Hook Man): Finding Connections
For all that Dean talks about how being a hunter involves being cut off from everyone, it's good to see Sam making a connection with somebody. He still doesn't think that's a thing that will work long-term, but maybe it's something Sam needs in the here and now.
Dean can't help but worry about how intensely Sam's still agonizing about his girlfriend's death. Sure, he's never had a long term relationship, so maybe he can't quite understand, but there's something about the way his brother has been acting that just isn't quite ringing true.
So it's a bit of a relief to see him connect with the pretty girl. Even enough so that he offers for them to stay on for a few days right after reassuring the local 5-0 that they're on their way out of town. He doesn't really expect Sam to take him up on it, but Dean's choosing to take it as a good sign that at least someday it may be possible for Sam to move on, even if it's not today.
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1x08 (Bugs): Hivemind
Sometimes he and Dean are so absolutely in tune with one another it's crazy. Most often when they're in the middle of a hunt, but not only then. It's not that they even think alike so much as they just have such a clear understanding of how each other think that they can make plans without exchanging a word.
There are some things they really don't understand about one another, though. The primary one being their respective relationships with their father. Sam has never really been able to understand Dean's unwavering and entirely unquestioning faith in the man ever since he's been old enough to think for himself.
It's just as clear that Dean cannot understand why Sam doesn't feel the same way and was so glad to get away from John Winchester's overbearing life-as-hunter-training-course. The lack of understanding is never so clear as it is now, with them arguing about how Matthew should handle his dad. Dean can't understand not telling the kid to be more obedient and Sam knows that really isn't going to help. He knew from experience that would only result in bigger blowups in the end.
Talking to the kid's dad, though, maybe neither one of them is completely right. He can't say for certain about his own father, but it's clear that looking in from the outside, their father-son relationship is different than either one of the participants sees. Maybe his dad really had been doing the best he could. It didn't make everything better, but maybe his recollections of what happened were overly harsh. Sam didn't believe for a moment that all of his anger was unjustified but – well, they'd sort it out when they finally found Dad.
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1x09 (Home): You Can Never Go Home Again
There's a chill working it's way up his spine as the chick living in their old house starts talking about flickering lights. Every further word she says about the house is just that much more damning. There's definitely something malevolent here.
Sure, he'd been disturbed enough when Sam had started talking about having crazy dreams that came true, but he'd talked himself out of believing it. The memory was a funny thing. As little as he wanted to think his baby brother was losing it a bit about Jessica, well, he'd kind of prefer that.
Dean wasn't sure which was worse, really, being back here and there being something in their old house – maybe the thing that killed Mom, maybe something else - or the fact that some weird supernatural shit was going on with his brother. It made him desperate enough to call Dad, even if he figured that the old man surely had something important going on to stay away this long. This was just too much to deal with and he needed Dad; needed someone else to be in charge again and tell him what to do about all of this.
The way Missouri kept treating him like some kind of delinquent without him even having done anything certainly did nothing to help his unease with the whole situation. It was bothersome, but they needed to help Jenny, because no way was he letting anyone else get killed in this house because of the evil that had already happened here.
Then, just when he thought the whole thing couldn't be more unsettling, one of the hauntings turned out to be her – Mom. Not as something evil, so that was something at least, but the thought of her stuck in that house for all these years hurts almost as much anyway. Especially when she didn't even stick around to say anything more to him or Sam. He just wished -
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1x10 (Asylum): Under the Influence of Spirits
The longer they go without finding their father, without getting any leads on the thing that killed Jess, the more aggravated he can feel himself getting. With the situation, with their father, and increasingly more and more with Dean.
When he's feeling more reasonable, Sam understands that this is more because Dean just happens to actually be there to take the frustration out on as much as anything, but most of the time, it's hard to remember that. Especially with his eagerness to follow their father's orders without a single question, even when they're given at a distance via text message.
He's already feeling aggravated with his brother, and Cat's assumption that Dean is his boss just adds to his frustrations. Surely he doesn't seem subordinate? That it comes right on the heels of the present day Doctor Alcott convincing him to talk about Dean doesn't help either.
In the aftermath, Sam has to wonder if the fact that he was already feeling so much annoyance made it easier for the dead doctor to affect him. Everything he'd said to Dean under that influence was true, but he hadn't meant it like that. And he certainly hadn't wanted to shoot his brother. He hopes Dean believes him when he says he didn't mean any of it, even if he's not being entirely truthful when he says so.
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1x11 (Scarecrow): Deceptive Surfaces
He doesn't really feel bad for leaving Sam on that roadside. Yeah, maybe a bit of it was temper, but this blowup had been coming for a while now. If Sam wanted to storm off, well, he couldn't stop the kid, and Sammy could protect himself from most things.
Maybe things would be different if this particular case Dad wanted to send them on wasn't something that had to be taken care of right now or put off for another year. He couldn't put it off in good conscience even if part of him really did want to find Dad as much as Sam did, despite the warnings of danger. He wants to see their family back together.
Trying to ingratiate himself with the townspeople, however, he really, seriously misses Sam. He's not exactly bad with people, but Sam really is better at getting anyone to listen just by flashing the big puppy dog eyes. Dean usually doesn't get that good of a response unless the people in question are already neck-deep in danger or he himself starts waving a weapon.
Missing Sam leads to him calling the kid, and admitting a few things that he normally is barely wiling to admit to himself. Maybe it's just been all this time hunting on their own, maybe it's the fact Dad left them hanging with the crap in Lawrence, but whatever it is, but he's having a lot of trouble suppressing his own questions about whether or not their dad really knows what he's doing. It's not that he's never had any questions about orders, but he'd been set into a certain role. Dean was the older brother and the good son. He had to set an example for Sam when they were younger and try and mediate between Sam and his father once they got older.
It didn't mean he didn't have doubts. It just meant that he was never really in a position to voice them. As much as he'd always hated the conflict between his brother and his father, he had sometimes envied Sam's ability to just refuse to obey unless he got the answers he wanted. So he let his brother go and tried to decide whether or not he'd be trailing him to California after this business with the pagan god was taken care of.
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1x12 (Faith): Belief
It takes a lot of research and calling every contact he can scrounge up in the journal to find anything that might help his brother. Despite what he tells Dean, he doesn't particularly believe. He prays and he does have faith that there's good out there, but expecting tangible results from it is something else altogether. Thing is this faith healer is the only chance, and any potential chance to keep Dean alive is one worth taking, no matter how much his brother complains.
He'd said it just a few hunts ago; they were all each other had anymore. He couldn't take losing Dean, and he wasn't going to let his brother just give up. If this didn't work, well, he'd find something. No idea what, but he wasn't going to let Dean go.
Of course, that doesn't mean there isn't an insane amount of frustration involved as Dean grumps the whole way. Then when he tries to refuse Le Grange's help? Sam would really have been tempted to smack him if he didn't look like death warmed over already.
Afterward, he doesn't care too much that Dean is still doubting, because Sam's got his miracle. Anything else is just details. So far as he's concerned and there's no need to understand what happened. Dean won't let it go, though, and he can't deny that his brother has always had crazy-good instincts when it comes to hunting. He's got his miracle, so if Dean wants to investigate now, there's no reason not to.
There are really only two things he feels bad about. First is the fact that he doesn't feel more guilty than he does once he and Dean uncover the ugly secret behind it all. Second is the fact that Dean is so clearly torn up over it.
He'd never tell Dean, but he doesn't really think that he'd have stopped Le Grange from healing Dean even if he'd known. It's not quite that he believes that his brother's life is worth more than that of anyone else in the grand scheme of things, but it certainly is to him.
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1x13 (Route 666): Love Stories
Seeing Dean react to Cassie is just so strange. There's quite a bit of hilarity there, but one of the things to really hit him hardest is incredulity. It only increases the longer they look into things, but it starts well before they even hit town. He really can't believe that Dean, toe the line good little soldier Dean, went against their dad's rules and told some girl he'd dated for a couple of weeks the big family secret.
That whole time he'd been with Jess, the girl he'd been thinking about proposing to, he'd never said a word. Yeah, a lot of it was because he just wanted to pretend to be normal, but some part had also been because the fact they weren't supposed to tell had been drilled into his head from the moment he himself had been let in on the secret.
It only gets more crazy when he realizes Dean was actually in a serious relationship, had real feelings for this girl, and totally got dumped. Sam couldn't recall Dean ever being serious about a relationship that wasn't familial their whole lives. Wow.
He can't really keep from wondering and watching the two of them interact at every opportunity. He's never seen anything remotely like this out of his brother. It's clear there are some major unresolved issues here, but that doesn't mean he doesn't enjoy teasing at every possible opportunity. He's certainly been subjected to seeing his brother's hookups before, but never any that actually seemed to mean anything to him, and it's weirdly fascinating.
Still doesn't tell Sam what his brother is thinking though. He's also not at all surprised when he attempts to get Dean to talk and gets a complete avoidance. That's just Dean, though it's clear as well as he knows his brother, he still doesn't know everything.
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1x14 (Nightmare): Feeling Helpless
This whole thing with Sammy just gets freakier and freakier. It was one thing when he had visions that were obviously connected to their lives, but being woken up because he saw some random dude in Michigan bite it? That's just a whole new threshold of what the hell.
When they actually arrive and they're too late? It just doesn't make a whole lot of sense. They've got to look into it, but Dean is already pretty sure that this is a case where he's not going to like the answers they find.
Then Sam falls off the bed in their motel room clutching his head and somehow the whole situation just gets even worse. He's done his best to try and help his brother through all the aftermath of Jess' death and the frustration of not finding their father, but this is something he can't do a damn thing about and that stings.
All he can try and do is attempt to reassure Sam that it's going to be okay, but as good as he thinks he does at maintaining a straight face as he lies, Dean can tell his brother isn't buying it. Maybe if they can manage to stop this latest vision and get some kind of lead, it will at least make Sam feel better.
Except that doesn't work out.
It gets worse when Sam declares that he's connected to Max, because that kid is a monster. Sam wants to try and help him, and Dean's willing to bend enough to let him attempt to talk it out, but he has no hope that it's actually going to yield results. No matter how far Max was pushed, murdering two people and attempting a third? So far as Dean is concerned, that puts the guy squarely in the column of things that need to be hunted.
He hates leaving Sam alone with the thing, but he can see that his little brother is too invested here. Attempting to try and reason with his brother in front of the psycho is only going to ratchet up the tension, because he can see it written all over Sam's face that trying to talk Sam around is only going to start a big argument. So he reluctantly leaves Sam alone with a psychic psycho, desperately hoping it isn't going to be a fatal mistake.
When Max walks in without Sam, Dean's heart jumps into his throat. He didn't hear anything from downstairs, but there's no telling what Max will do and as cool as he's trying to play it, Sam isn't here. Then Sam busts in and even while there's still a gun on all of them, he can't help the rush of relief.
As they're packing up to leave once it's all over, he can't help but think that as scary as this Max thing was, and as much as the idea of Sam having his own weird supernatural abilities is even more terrifying, he does know one thing. Sam isn't Max – nothing like him. He doesn't know if Sam believes his reassurances, and he ends up going for the humor in the end just to try and at least get it off Sam's mind. Dean's got worries, but it's Sam – his geeky little brother who would hug out all his emotions if Dean would let him. They'll deal with whatever comes when it comes.
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1x15 (The Benders): Bare Bones
Sam disappearing just plain scares the crap out of him, and he's not sure what he would have done if the nice cop lady hadn't agreed to wait on arresting him until after they found his brother. When he hears her story, Dean's not quite as surprised.
Then it just gets freaky. He gets monsters. They're just evil, there's no rhyme or reason and it's not expected that there will be. The things their family hunts, they're not part of the natural world. Expecting them to act with reason or compassion would just be stupid.
Freaky hillbilly cannibal family, though? They're people, and he doesn't understand how people come down to that kind of base animalistic state. They have a choice in what they become and that's what they choose? People, man.
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1x16 (Shadow): Coming to Light
They don't just run back into people they know very often. Okay, sure, it wouldn't be impossible that they'd run into another hunter who'd taken up the same case – but even that didn't happen as often as it might. So just "happening" to run into Meg in Chicago, half a country away from where he expected she was? Sam was very suspicious.
Finding out there's got to be a major player in town to be summoning an evil so ancient is a strangely hopeful discovery. The likelihood that it's somehow connected to the demon that killed Mom and Jess doesn't seem like such a crazy assumption. Thinking about this finally all being over gives him a real surge of hope (he's trying not to get his expectations too high over too little, but it's hard). Dean's never liked change, but Sam's sure his brother will get over it and find a life somewhere, so he doesn't let Dean's obvious upset squash his own feelings.
As much of a thrill as the potential is, he's not entirely able to get past the surprise that Meg is the one summoning the Daevas. As suspicious as he was of the supposed coincidence of her being here, he never expected her to be that big of a player. Her expecting them to show up at her lair, well, that's just as much of a shock. Somehow the fact that it all turns out to be a trap for their father? Well, that actually makes everything suddenly make more sense in a flash of understanding that hits him all at once.
While he and Dean are working on their wordlessly formulated plan of escape, he spares a few moments for that thought that he really doesn't understand Meg's motivations. Even her answer to a question along those lines doesn't really clear anything up on that front. Loyalty and love for whom? For a demon? That's just a whole new level of sick.
Another shock comes when they find Dad in their room. It wasn't that he disbelieved Meg that their dad was in town, but John Winchester had been so elusive for so long it was hard to believe they'd ever see him – even when he was right in front of them.
He also really hadn't expected the Daevas to show back up after they'd trashed Meg's altar. Generally the bad guy trying to puppet a major evil force getting tossed out a window by said force was the end of things.
Dean agreeing with Dad's plan to take off without them again so much as to voice it even before he does – well, that's not a shock at all. It bugs the hell out of him, but Sam isn't remotely surprised by it. The fact he's still stuck here with his family on this never-ending hunt is just a disappointing nightmare, but not an unexpected one.
It's at that point he realizes that he felt so hopeful because he's started to believe that this whole search is never going to end. His dad has been tracking this demon ever since mom died. Even if he says he's getting closer, how can Sam really know that's true? He wants to believe, but finds that he's not sure he can and he hates that.
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1x17 (Hell House): Hidden Motives
He decides to put that spoon in Sam's mouth completely spontaneously, with no planning behind it at all. The bitchiness and challenge his brother gives back to him, though, makes it clear that it was a good idea.
It's been a while (but not long enough) since they finally caught up with Dad – and nearly got all three of them killed. This is a tough enough gig on a reasonably good day, and after a day like that, Dean figures that he and Sam can both use a little more fun in their lives. Sure, maybe a prank war isn't the most mature way to go about that, but there's no need to go knocking a thing that works.
Maybe it doesn't make the greater problems go away, but it does give them both something else to focus on for a little while. It's a sad enough thing that hearing his brother laugh at his ensuing prank-related misfortunes (the bitch) reminds him that neither of them really laugh honestly all that much.
It's only fitting that in the end without exchanging a word they both turn their pranking on those two morons from the paranormal website who unwittingly started the whole Mordecai mess. Sure, it wasn't really their faults that between their website and the record clerk's efforts they'd played a particularly nasty prank on the local teens that turned murder-level nasty. It was a good enough reason to get them out of the same area as the tulpa though, and maybe the dead fish wasn't entirely undeserved.
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1x18 (Something Wicked): Responsibility
He would never, ever say it to Dean - but no matter how many fights he'd gotten into with John Winchester, sometimes it was very clear that Dean had gotten the rawest deal in their childhood. The story he tells about the striga only cements the thought that Sam has had before.
A better father would have reassured their son that it wasn't his fault a monster had gotten in the room. Besides, even if Dean had been there, where he was supposed to be? At best, he'd have also been asleep and vulnerable. What he hell was their dad doing taking a hunt for a monster that specifically targeted kids, anyway?
Even worse, and this one he was definitely not telling Dean, and didn't even really want to acknowledge to himself – how had Dad gotten there just at the right moment? The timing seemed incredibly suspicious. So he might have been following the monster and just happened to get back right then, but, well, it seems unlikely.
Even putting that disturbing twist aside, Dean's clear feelings of responsibility and guilt for something he was far too young to have any actual responsibility for bother Sam a lot. He can't undo what Dad did by blaming his brother, but he can try to let him know he understands. Even if Dean does shut him down pretty much immediately, he hopes it helps. Though Sam's afraid it doesn't really, because he notices the inflection in his voice when Dean says he wishes Sam could have retained some innocence that makes it clear he doesn't bother to have any such wishes for himself.
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1x19 (Provenance): Brushstrokes
It's not that he wants to see Sam try and settle down again somewhere, but the kid has made it pretty clear that's what he wants. Dean doesn't want to be alone, but if Sam is going to leave eventually, he just needs to deal with it. If that's the case, well, there would be worse options than sticking around here for Sarah.
Hell, even just as a step in terms of getting over Jess, Sarah is kind of an awesome choice. Not many chicks would be so completely okay with the weirdness of their lives. Sam doesn't seem to be able to hook up with a girl without it being some kind of relationship, and while Dean doesn't get it, if that's what his brother wants, some chick who actually knows their lives is a better choice considering what happened last time he tried to leave it all behind.
He can't say he doesn't feel disappointed Sam doesn't want to take advantage of that, at least temporarily. Dean doesn't want to be left hunting on his own, but neither does he want his brother to spend his life alone, and that seems to be the path he's trying to head down. He really doesn't know what is normal for someone who was in a relationship like Sam's in terms of recovering after losing someone horribly. He supposes for now he'll just have to let his brother move forward at his own pace, because at least that kiss makes it clear he is finally moving forward.
The one thing Dean totally doesn't get is why so many people kept buying such an ugly-ass painting, murder aside.
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1x20 (Dead Man's Blood): Bringing Matters to a Head
To tell the truth, Dean isn't really cool with just falling in line and letting their Dad bark orders without explanation. He just doesn't really see much of an alternative, because that's just the way Dad is. No amount of he or Sam complaining is actually likely to change that.
Worse, he hates being stuck in the middle of the two of them. He used to think that Sam was just being a contrary teenage snot. Now he really sees what it is – the two of them are just too damn similar. He's tried for years to be like their dad, pretty much as long as he can remember, but it's all just pretense and emulation in his case.
As if that doesn't make him feel inadequate enough, Dad's dig about the condition of his car stings more than a bit. Sure, he can see that it's half because Sam is pissing him off, but that doesn't make it any less of a slight. Then comparing the state of the Impala's arsenal to the neatly presented array in the back of the truck, well. Between that and the orders and the fighting, he feels pretty much like a kid again, and not in any kind of good way.
He's dealing with that until he catches on that their dad's plan to go after the demon is closer to a suicide run than he'd expected. He doesn't want to fight with his dad, but that is not something he can let go once he's realized it. Dean sets his mind on standing up to his dad about it, but he doesn't in a million years expect the man to actually agree with him. He's not really sure that he can ever see his dad's decisions in the same light ever again.
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1x21 (Salvation): Everything Falls Apart
It's very weird to find himself watching a conflict between Dean and Dad. Not that he disagrees at all with what Dean is saying, because he does agree, absolutely. He just never expected to hear Dean being the one to say it. He'd found himself getting pissed for years at Dean for just blindly following Dad's orders, but he's still completely bemused to see that it can actually change.
That was one heck of a shock, but it was a tiny one compared to hearing that Dad was going to leave killing the demon up to him and Dean. A couple weeks ago he couldn't trust them to hunt with him, and now he's putting everything in their hands? Sam may have spent years itching to get out from under their dad's thumb, but it doesn't mean he hasn't been looking to make the man proud of him, and this is a heck of a heavy weight of responsibility. That it's also an important matter of getting revenge for Jess and Mom only adds to the weight, and having to wait for the demon to show is insanely nerve wracking.
Feeling the pressure, he tries to talk to Dean, but he should have known that would never work with his brother who refuses to hear it. In a way it helps a little, that Dean can at least talk so optimistically.
Of course, he pretty much forgets that in the crushing disappointment of missing the shot and failing. Failing Dad and Mom and Jess. To hear Dean say it doesn't matter, it just makes him snap, because Dean was the one who convinced him in the first place that at the end of it all this quest for revenge would be worth it. He didn't really want to die in that burning house, but a big part of him can't help feeling that it would have been worth it anyway. Abstractly he realizes that it's a good thing Dean is there to keep him from doing anything that stupid, but he can't quite help resenting it regardless. Sam just really needs this whole thing to be over.
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1x22 (Devil's Trap): Things One is Unprepared to Face
Sam is normally the one whole holds back and makes the smart decisions, but it's clear that he's just not capable of that right now. So Dean has to be the one to step up and do that, so he does. Meanwhile his brother broods sullenly the whole way to Bobby's after trying to get him to admit Dad is probably dead.
Knowing that there's a fair chance that it's true, Dean just can't deal with Meg's crap on top of everything else. He doesn't like that there's some poor girl in there with the demon, but it's probably for the best, because he's not sure what he would do otherwise if exorcism wasn't an option. Even better, Dean figures there's a fair chance the girl might be able to tell them something once they eject the bitch. He just can't care if it'll kill her, because this is his family they're talking about.
He can't let it matter, which doesn't make him feel any less like crap for it. What kind of a monster does that make him? Dean can't even really let himself feel more than the smallest twinge of relief that the girl was as relieved as he'd hoped to be free of the demon. They didn't know when she'd gone out that window, and it would have been just as awful to leave her stuck as a spectator in her own body so it's not like there were other good choices here. That didn't really matter, though. This is still going to haunt him for a good long time, once he has time to think about anything beyond getting through the next few hours.
When that time does come, he's added another innocent human to his tally and it bothers him intensely that he knows he wouldn't hesitate to do so again. It hurts that one of the very few times in his life his dad ever tries to make him feel good about himself it ignites a suspicion that's confirmed not even a minute later that the praise is really coming from the demon.
He's not really sure what hurts more, that or all the things it says to him after it reveals itself. He calls it away from Sammy because he knows things are bad enough in the kid's head and he doesn't figure it'll have anything much worse to say to him. He forgot how good demons were at getting into your head, so of course he lashes out because that's what he does.
Dean's pretty sure he's not going to live long enough to have to think about any of the things it said, despite the desperate pleas he can't choke back. Dad surprises him though. Then again, he's pretty sure the motivation of still wanting to kill the demon had as much to do with it as anything.
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A/N: Although I gave these all an eyeballing after writing, the quick and reactionary nature of what I was going for had me opting not to do multiple, more thorough editing runs. Feel free to let me know if I made any glaring errors, or to let me know what you thought.