Author's Note: So remember how I said I wanted to write an angsty Dasey? Well ummm... this is even angstier than I thought it would be. I'm mean. I really am. I've been way too nice to Derek and Casey lately- and this more than makes up for it.
Warnings: Swearing, because Derek is angry and lots of angst, and ummm distress? Unhappiness?
Disclaimer: Not even close to being mine.
So this is where you are, and this is where I am
Somewhere between unsure and a hundred
It's hard I must confess
I'm banking on the rest to clear away
Cause we have spoken everything
Everything short of I love you
You right where you are, from right where I am
Somewhere between unsure and a hundred
The Fray, Hundred
They said it had been an electrical problem. Amazing that all it took was some badly crossed wires and a few sparks to destroy a house. Amazing how it only took fifteen minutes for the family to vacate, yet the damage would last forever. Fifteen minutes of chaos, as Nora coughed and yelled and cried and tried to get the children out of the house and breathed in way too much smoke. Fifteen minutes of panic as Marti froze, too afraid to move and Lizzie fell and sprained her ankle and Edwin some how managed to carry them both to safety although he had to walk through flames and suffered serious burns in the process. Fifteen minutes of nagging fear as George drove home from work, unable to shake the idea that something was terribly wrong. Fifteen last minutes of selfishness as Casey laughed and watched Derek throw her ringing cell phone across her dorm room before ginning and resuming kissing her.
"So how bad is it?" Edwin asked as Derek entered his hospital room.
"Well I never thought I'd need to dress up special to see you," Derek quipped weakly, pulling up a chair beside Edwin's hospital bed and gesturing to his burn unit required mask and smock.
"Its a nice color on you though. I like the mask," Edwin said, smiling, clearly grateful for Derek's attempt at humor.
"I know. I'm thinking of buying one for everyday use," Derek said, his eyes sweeping over the tubes protruding from Edwin's arms and the wraps and bandages covering several sections of his body.
"You could start a trend. We'll sell them, I can see it now, 'Venturi Brother's masks-you're not cool without one',"Edwin deadpanned.
"Always with the money making schemes" Derek said fondly.
"I learned from the best," Edwin replied, making Derek grin genuinely for the first time. "Seriously though Derek, no one will tell me anything. How bad is it? How are Lizzie and Marti? Nora? The house? No one will even tell me what all is wrong with me." Edwin said turning pleading eyes on his brother.
"Well I haven't seen the house yet," Derek admitted, "Casey and I drove straight here from the dorms when we heard."
"You can Casey drove down together?" Edwin asked, raising an eyebrow.
"Yeah," Derek said, ignoring Edwin's questioning glance, "She's in with Nora now."
"How is-" Edwin began.
"She's fine," Derek said cutting him off, "They're keeping her overnight to observe her since she inhaled so much smoke, and they're giving her breathing treatments, but she'll be ok. Marti too. She's scared, but she'll be fine. They're keeping her too, since her lungs are so young, they want to make sure she doesn't develop anything. They wrapped Lizzie's ankle and gave her something to calm her down, Dad said she was pretty panicked when she got here, worried about you I think," Derek explained with a half smile, "Dad's been pacing the halls, and everyone has been talking about what a hero you are."
"I'm-" Edwin started before Derek cut him off again.
"You did good Ed. Really good. Probably a lot better than I would have done. You saved them." Derek said
"I just-" Edwin started again, looking embarrassed.
"Walked through flames carrying our sisters to safety," Derek finished for him, "there is no 'just' about that. Seriously Edwin, you were amazing," Derek said. It was probably the most sincere compliment he'd ever given.
"Thanks." Edwin said simply. There was a pause, before Edwin asked, haltingly, "So, that whole 'walked through flames things' just how bad did I burn myself?"
"You've got third degree burns on both legs, and second degree burns across your arms and stomach," Derek said figuring Edwin deserved to know the truth, "They're pumping you with fluids and antibiotics and morphine. You might be here for a while, and you'll probably need some physical therapy, but you'll be ok." Derek finished.
"Ok as in, sappy-motivational-you-can-still-lead-a-full-life-posters? Or ok as in the way I was?" Edwin asked.
"Its too soon to tell," Derek said truthfully. Edwin nodded in resigned sort of way, and another silence came over them. Derek had never respected anyone as much as he respected Edwin at that moment. His little brother, the hero. Who would have guessed?
"Hey," A familiar voice called from the doorway, Derek turned his head to see Casey, looking tired, eyes red, smiling weakly. He fought down the wave of guilt he felt looking at her, "Marti is asking for you," she said to Derek, "and I want to spend sometime with the hero here," she said smiling in Edwin's direction. Derek stood up.
"Marti calls." he said, "I'll see you later Ed."
"Hey Derek?" Edwin called out as Derek reached the door.
"Yeah?" he asked.
"Thank you." Edwin said, as Casey busied herself fixing his bedding.
"For what?" Derek asked.
"Being honest." Edwin said.
"Anytime," Derek said, smiling again before exiting.
"Oh my God," Casey breathed as they pulled up to the remains of the house a few days later, after the police had declared it safe. George had sent them to see what they could salvage from the wreckage, while he tried to make Marti and Nora comfortable in the insurance provided hotel room. Lizzie was still at the hospital, refusing to leave Edwin's room for more than five minutes at time. So Derek and Casey had been chosen for the daunting task of going through the house. Casey grabbed Derek's hand and took a long shuddering breath- staring out at the rubble that had once been their house.
"Ready?" he asked, pulling his hand away.
"Not at all," she said, smiling weakly and putting a hand on his shoulder. He winced involuntarily and she raised a questioning eyebrow at him.
"Sorry," he said, "I just really don't want to do this," he said, unwilling to tell her that for the past week, every time he touched her he almost threw up from guilt.
"I know. Me either." She said, then she squared he shoulders and opened her car door. Derek followed her lead, and soon they were walking across the yard towards the skeletal remains of the house. It was charred and ugly, it looked gutted, it looked like death and decay and depression and fear. Derek shuddered.
"Holy shit," he said, "This is-" he began, but then stopped. He simply couldn't find the words to describe what this was. Casey seemed equally at a loss for words. So in an almost reverent silence, they walked through the ashes and broken down walls and scraps of what had been prize possessions, looking for anything they could save, anything that had survived.
Derek normally felt pretty good about himself. He was a self assured confident kind of guy, and it took a lot to shake that. But that night, sitting on his uncomfortable hotel bed, looking through the small pile of items he'd saved from his own room, he was convinced he was the most worthless person on earth.
Gingerly he picked up a picture of himself and Marti that had survived except for one corner. It had been eating him apart all week, the thought of Marti screaming, terrified, needing him, while he'd made out with Casey. The thought of Edwin, walking through flames, while he'd thrown a cell phone across the room. He knew of course, that it wouldn't really have made any difference if they'd answered the phone or not. They'd been an hour away, too far to help. He couldn't shake the guilt though, he couldn't shake the idea that it was all his fault.
The nagging guilt of wishing he'd been there, and the torture of knowing there was nothing he could have done was driving him crazy. He wanted to scream and smash things and cry-he wanted curl up and die. He wanted to fix everything, he wanted to wallow in self pity forever. He had been hoping Casey would be mad at him. He wanted her to insist it was all their fault, but Casey had been calm and collected. He needed her to be as irrational as he felt, but she was too busy being useful. Which was just making him feel worse.
"Derek are you ok?" Casey asked a couple of days later as they pulled into the hospital parking lot.
"How could I possibly be ok?" He hated to snap at her, but the guilt and the worry and the wallowing were leaving him very little choice, he'd been short with her for days.
"Its not that bad. No on died, Edwin's burns are healing perfectly, the rest of the family is out of the hospital, George is looking at new houses, it going to be ok." She said.
"Don't. Do. That," he bit out.
"Do what?" she asked.
"That patronizing 'its all ok' bullshit!" he snapped.
"Derek-" she started reproachfully.
"No!" he fumed, "I'm so of sick all this ' cheer up it could be worse' crap. What did happen was pretty fucking bad. I'd rather not think about how much worse it could have been if its all the same to you! Our house burned to the ground, your mother might develop asthma, Lizzie won't leave Edwin's hospital room, Marti is sleeping in my Dad's bed every night, Edwin walked through flames, through flames Casey, he's all scarred and pale, and they have to keep him on constant narcotics so that the pain doesn't make him pass out. He saved their lives and I was making out with you. I thew the fucking phone across the room!" He yelled, letting out all the anger that had been building in him since they'd arrived in London.
"Derek its not our-" she started again, putting a hand on his shoulder. He shrugged her off.
"Not our fault?" he spat, "That not the point. What if Edwin's muscle damage is so deep he never regains full use of his legs? What if he sacrificed everything and I-We- couldn't be bothered to answer the phone?" Derek questioned, his voice breaking.
"Answering the phone wouldn't have helped Derek. The emergency services were already on their way and Lizzie had already fallen by the time Marti made that call." Casey said attempting to be soothing.
"She was panicking and terrified and she needed me and I was doing what I've been doing for years, focusing on you. Its killing me." He admitted softly
"Because you're letting it." she said, a note of impatience creeping into her voice.
"How can I not? How can you not?" He asked.
"Because I'm being rational." Casey hissed.
"There is nothing irrational about wanting to protect my family," Derek snapped, temper rising again.
"You can't go back in time," she said "I'm trying to understand but I don't know what to say to you," she said, putting her hand on his shoulder again. He flinched, "what?" she snapped pulling her hand back, "you've been doing that all week." she said.
"That just makes me feel worse," he muttered, unable to meet her eyes.
"What does?" Casey asked.
"You. that. us." He said.
"Oh for Christ's sakes Derek," she said exasperated.
"Do you love me?" he asked abruptly, turning his head to face her again.
"What?" she asked, thrown.
"Do you love me?" he repeated, knowing what her answer would be, but needing conformation.
"I- I don't know," She admitted.
"Yeah, that's what I thought," he sad sadly.
"Derek, I- I mean you know I-" She rambled sounding flustered.
"Did you notice?" he broke in cutting her off, "that of all the walls in the house, the most intact one was the one that separated our rooms? It was just a little charred, but still standing." he said.
"I don't know what to say to that," she said.
"I just thought," he shrugged, "that it was kind of symbolic."
"If there is a wall between us now, you put it there," she said.
"Maybe I did," he shrugged again, "I don't know anymore. All I know is that when my family needed me I was too focused on you to help. I'm always too focused on you. I have been for years, and right now, I'm not sure why."
"What are you saying?" she asked, "this isn't like you." she said.
"Well being 'like me' is no good- it just screws everyone over. I can't do it anymore, I can't be that guy, he's an asshole." he said then he gave a dry laugh, "Its kind of funny. The only thing I've ever given any real time or energy to in my life is you- and you don't love me," he said.
"Derek-" Casey said, but he put up a hand to stop her.
"So what I've been thinking for the past few days is that I should switch my focus to somewhere it could actually do some good. That I should give my time and energy to Edwin, Marti and Lizzie.
"I still don't-" Casey tried to start again.
"I'm staying here." he said seriously, "I'm going to be useful for once. I'm going to help my dad get a new house. I'm going to get a job, I'm going to help Edwin with physical therapy."
"But school-" she said questioningly.
"Oh come on Casey," he said with a small smile, "you know I really only went to school so we could live in dorms and have sex at all hours, and since I won't be doing that anymore-" he trailed off.
"You're breaking up with me?" she asked, tears starting to roll down her face.
"For now," he said.
"But-" she began.
"You know, I'm not sure why I didn't realize it until this week, but the best way to help my family, probably isn't to date my stepsister." He said.
"But I-" She tried again.
"But you what? You don't love? I know. Which is a shame because fuck Casey, I've always loved you but I can't do this anymore." He said, "besides, the last thing our family needs right now is to walking in us kissing. They've had enough trauma." He finished. She smiled sadly and reached out to touch his cheek, looking amazed.
"Who are you and what have you done with Derek Venturi?" She asked teasingly, tears still rolling down her cheeks.
"He's growing up." Derek said, taking her other hand in has.
"I'll miss you." she said softly.
"I'll always be here," he said, "I just need-"
"to focus on them right now," she finished for him.
"Yeah," he said, "one more kiss?" he asked.
"One more kiss," She repeated leaning into him and letting their lips touch for the last time.