Three little words...pfft. This story is actually called 'Because we're fucking' but the guidelines state that I can't put that in the title (scowls at the Fanfiction(dot)net logo)
"Because we're fucking," these words turned the whole of Hogwarts castle, and much of the grounds around it, upside down.
Severus Snape was sick of the little brat, always being the thorn in this paw, nay the little mouse of the fable. He just wanted to stand on him, stomp his body to a flat, lifeless little puddle until his blood stained the floor beneath. But being a professor he was to be more mature, he would simply slip some potion into the boys drink.
Snape nearly skipped up to the Staff table once the deed had been done. He sat, placed his napkin on his lap, placed a scowl on his face and greatly enjoyed his meal; he then spent some time watching the Gryffindor table inconspicuously behind his sexy, greasy, black bangs. He saw Potter eat and laugh with friends, he didn't touch his goblet. This angered Snape.
Hermione Granger was a bright girl but she was not savvy with the evil goings on at Hogwarts, specifically the Veritaserum in the Pumpkin Juice trick. Even if he could have prevented it he was quite sure he wouldn't have. You see before Potter even took one sip of his Pumpkin Juice Hermione Granger arrived and rudely sat between the boys pushing Potter down a seat, she gestured the juice, he waved his hand and, as if in slow motion Hermione Granger took a sip of the juice, she dared another and another before the Weasley boy said something apparently quite ridiculous causing her to spit some of the tainted juice away. This frightened Snape.
The staff rolled their eyes as they felt the beginnings of another legendary Weasley-Granger argument, Weasley said something, Granger replied, Potter fainted, Weasley started screaming, Granger covered up her mouth and the whole of Gryffindor house began paying close attention to the pair. Professor Snape twiddled his thumbs and whistled an innocent tune.
Hermione Granger had had a horrible day. The library was closed because of a boggart, the potion she'd made in Potions was a half-shade off the correct shade of magenta it was supposed to be and the Charms essay she had handed in was only one foot longer than necessary. Never mind the fact that the final quidditch match of the season was postponed, or that Neville Longbottom's potion had been orange or that two of the Gryffindor's in her Charms class had indeed written an essay on the incorrect Charm and instead of removing a stubborn grease stain they had accidentally burned a hole through their desk and well into the stone floor beneath.
She arrived at the Great Hall to see Professor Snape looking strangely at the Gryffindor table with half of his hair askew all over his face. She looked over at the Slytherin table with lust in her eyes and felt her face get hot when Malfoy winked back at her. She sat down next to Harry and asked for his drink, dehydrated from the long walk from the Gryffindor tower. He obliged and she drank the apple juice and well, the rest of it's just history.
I was simply eating at the Slytherin table when Mudblood Granger walked in, she feasted her eyes on all my sexiness and I winked back in reward, she blushed to the roots of her hair and I smirked my unbelievably desirable smirk as she sat at the table.
The next second I hear some screaming and the mudblood runs from the hall. I'm thoroughly confused but I stay seated on my sexy rear…seriously, is there anything about me that isn't sexy? But I digress…then I see Weasley stumbling over to the Slytherin table with his goon Potter beside him, they both look so funny all red and balling their fists, I'm tempted to tell them so but think better of it. And then the wanker punches me in the nose!
What did I do!
I know! The injustice, the prejudice…the bigotry.
Well enough said, I just got the hell out of there.
Harry Potter walked into the hall that day and was especially bummed; the final quidditch match of the season had been postponed indefinitely because some Slytherins were in the hospital wing after Neville melted a cauldron and spilt his latest potion on them, on top of that he'd burned a hole through the desk in Charms and had detention for it. Apparently teachers actually think the saviour of the Wizarding world should pay attention in class. What if the discussion had been a matter of the future of the Wizarding world?
Anyway I entered the hall to see Snape running away from my seat excitedly. I immediately inspected my food and drink, the pumpkin juice which was supposed to be orange now resembled urine. I didn't touch it. But when Hermione, who had no reason to be upset, shoved me out of the way I thought why not? She asked for some of my 'apple juice' and I let her have it.
But then I collapsed and I didn't remember anything, it must have been Voldemort and my scar.
Ron Weasley was having a worse day still. He hadn't blocked a goal in five months so he had to resort to drastic measures to avoid losing the upcoming quidditch match i.e. he fed some of Neville's horrible potion to the Slytherin players. Then he burned a hole through the desk in Charms and got a weeks worth of detentions and then the Great Hall debacle.
He sat down next to Harry and started scoffing his dinner in preparation of their long night's detention in the Charms room in between giant sized portions he stole a glance at Hermione as she entered the hall, she looked over to Slytherin table in disgust and Malfoy winked at her, she flushed red in anger and then rudely sat between himself and Harry. She then stole Harry's drink and sat there talking about how horrible her day was and how she only got 112 percent for her Charms essay! I got sick of the insipid wench talking about herself so I changed the subject. "Why was Malfoy winking at you before?" I asked, first she spat her drink at me and then she looked at me like she was going to say 'Malfoy's a dick' but instead she said,
"Because we're fucking." The area around went quiet and all that could be heard was a dull thud as Harry hit the floor in a dead faint. She clasped her hands across her mouth in betrayal and turned away, picking up her bag she left the Great Hall. Harry came-to soon afterwards,
"How did I get on the ground? Why is everyone staring?" He looked down at Harry, "it must have been my scar,"
"Shut up Harry, it was Hermione, you passed out in shock, you fainted," a few Ravenclaws at the next table chuckled at the idea,
"Why?"
"Because she just told us she was fucking Malfoy?" You could hear crickets if not for the fact that they were unhygienic and the absence of crickets from all eating areas was written into the contract of every Hogwarts house-elf.
"Let's get him." They punched Malfoy and were landed with another weeks worth of detention.
Minerva McGonagall was running late for dinner, but being a member of staff that was perfectly acceptable, she could come and go as she pleased. And so she was outside the hall when Hermione Granger came running out with her hands over her mouth and still when Draco Malfoy left with a bleeding nose. She, simply curious, followed the students to a classroom and stood listening at the door, "Would you mind telling me why your two goons just punched the lights out of me?" she peeked through the window, to see Miss Granger still with her hands clasped tightly over her mouth shaking her head violently, "Come on," she shook her head again, he pulled his wand from his belt and Minerva prepared to intervene. "Remove your hands or I'll hex them off," she dropped her hands from her mouth, "Why did Potter and Weasel punch me?"
"Because we're fucking," she said looking away and avoiding eye contact, Minerva was about to have a heart attack right there crouched outside the classroom door, Draco Malfoy licked his lips and leaned closer,
"And why did you storm out of the hall in such a hurry," he placed his hands on the wall on either side of her head,
"Because we're fucking," she bit her lip softly; Minerva watched nearly having a coronary,
"And why don't we care?" she smirked at him,
"Because we're fucking." She replied as he leant forward and kissed her. Minerva twitched where she was on the ground nearly dead. And all she could think of were the words 'Because we're fucking' as she slipped out of consciousness and died peacefully to the sounds of randy students getting it on in an abandoned classroom.
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