a/n: i think i've mentioned it before, but i'll say it again - now that the Identity 'erse is "over," none of the tags and one shots will be written in order. just as the idea strikes me!
10 ABY
Coruscant
Jaina: 15 Months.
Long after Han had fallen asleep, Leia tossed and turned restlessly - in the metaphorical sense. She wanted to avoid waking him. The abrupt agitation that had struck her as she tried to settle down left her wary; she had strenuous days, and fulfilling evenings, and was less and less subject to insomnia of late. She consistently slept better - since Jaina had been born, which seemed an oxymoron, except that she did not assess sleeping better in terms of when her daughter was keeping her awake. Rather, she had substantially less nightmares, and almost no trouble turning her thoughts off to rest, during those nights when Jaina was behaving herself - which she mostly did, now that she into her toddler-hood.
Laying on her back, staring listlessly at the canopy of their bed, Leia tried to define the chaotic knot of emotions that had flared in the corners of her mind not long after Han had drifted off. She'd been sated, relaxed - and then just as suddenly, she was on edge and hyper-alert. A quick check on Jaina via their emotional bond told her nothing was wrong, and Han was out cold, dreamless, and softly snoring. She knew her - distress, if that's what it could be defined as, though she did not necessarily want to call it that - was unrelated to Luke; it was more deeply personal, and visceral.
She tapped her teeth together softly, her brow furrowing. She was too intensely aware of her body, and it was alarming her. She hadn't engaged in meditation tonight, or sought any internal introspection, so the invasive presence of the Force felt alienating. She struggled to interpret what it was trying to tell her, softening the mental shields she kept up to help her compartmentalize and manage her sensitivity.
There was a sharp, though not painful, pressure in her abdomen, and she turned to the side instinctively curling her knees up a little as if to brace against the feeling. Her head knocked into Han's, and he grunted softly, shifting his head up and out of the way without waking. She frowned tensely, noting the feeling was more - more emotional, than physical. She closed her eyes, breathing in and out slowly, and then reopened them, stretching out her legs. She stared at Han's sleeping figure, faint lines of concentration creasing her forehead, and the bridge of her nose. She'd gone off her contraceptives recently; she and Han had been intimate every night this week - twice today, in fact; he'd stopped by her office while Jaina was spending time with Bail, and they'd had sex on the sofa.
Were her senses acute enough to...? Was it possible to know immediately? She swallowed hard, her lashes fluttering nervously. She wasn't sure she wanted that kind of power. It almost seemed like it took away some of the magic - had she known with Jaina, so soon? She'd told Han she hadn't, but perhaps she hadn't known precisely what she was looking for. She reached inside herself, probing with an inquisitive handle on the Force, wielding it gently, and thought she sensed a difference, something there. She lacked absolute certainty - and as she didn't spend a substantial amount of time telepathically investigating her own uterus, she didn't have a pure, exact knowledge of what was an outlier, and what was merely a routine shift in hormones.
She identified her pregnancies early, but not - not instantaneously -
Or she hadn't before. If that was it, though - where was the calm certainty that had come over her when she knew her first was there, when she knew Jaina? It evaded her now; she felt detached, and cautious.
She ran her hand down to her abdomen, feeling over her ribs, and frowned, concentrating. She felt another tissue-deep throb of pressure, and rolled away from Han as gingerly as she could, slipping out of bed. She crouched to the floor and retrieved a pair of cotton shorts, slipping them on, and adding a light robe over them. Her feet took her down the hall to Jaina's nursery, where she slipped in without a sound, diligently guarding her own emotions so they wouldn't trigger Jaina and wake her up.
Zozy popped his head up lazily from his pillows on the window seat, cocking one ear up curiously. He nearly always slept in Jaina's nursery. Leia clicked her tongue at him softly, and he laid his head back down, swishing his tail, and remaining where he was.
Leia stood next to the crib, resting her palms very lightly on the guard rail and looking down. The soothing music in Jaina's spinning mobile had faded hours ago, and Jaina was on her back, her arms stretched above her in total sleepy bliss. She slept with her mouth half open, close to one side of the crib, her foot poking between the slats. She always slept on her back; Han had inadvertently trained her to. His anxiety when she had started rolling over on her own had skyrocketed, despite Leia telling him that meant it was fine for her to sleep on her stomach. He'd still gotten up periodically to turn her onto her back, for his own peace of mind.
She gazed down at Jaina, watching her sleep, reaching as far back as she could in her memory to try and determine when she'd known, really known, she was pregnant with her. It felt like a lifetime ago. The early weeks blurred together - she felt it had been a gradual realization, though certainly within two or three weeks - but not the night of. She had no doubt she was doubly sensitive now, having been through the entire process of pregnancy, labor, and delivery before, but it still seemed entirely - gauche, somehow. As if in notifying her immediately, the Force was robbing her of something -
Or warning her?
Her stomach dipped a little, and she felt nauseous. This didn't feel like the sort of connected-with-nature, heavenly, glorified sensation of maternity she'd have imagined it to be, if she thought it was possible to sense conception immediately. It felt a little clinical - or she was overthinking things - or the sharpening of her senses was intended to alert her to abnormality, rather than letting awareness and excitement blossom as with burgeoning life. She cast her memory back again, trying to decide if she knew the exact moment when her first pregnancy had taken a bad turn - but everything from that was so jumbled; she'd barely been adjusting to the complex interaction between her sensitivity and her biology.
She leaned down, resting her chin on the guard rail and lowering her hand into the crib to rest it on Jaina's stomach. She felt her breathing, satisfied she was sleeping peacefully, and took a few steps away in retreat, turning to look around the room. She and Han had questioned a bit if she was old enough for them to add one. They had stopped using contraceptives to see what was in the cards, and if Leia's present suspicions were correct, she had to roll her eyes a little in exasperation - to think, she'd once been convinced she couldn't have a baby at all, and here it seemed they were on the verge of another immediate success.
She ran her hand over her ribs again, and crept out of Jaina's nursery. She went downstairs to the kitchen and fixed a small cup of ice water, drank it thoughtfully, then went back upstairs and used the sani before disrobing and discarding her shorts and climbing back into bed. It was startlingly late, and she had to be up early - Jaina would be up early; she always was. Tucking herself back in next to Han, she frowned, thinking she had to be overreacting, interpreting things incorrectly. She felt calmer after checking on Jaina, and the stirring she'd felt in in her veins and abdomen seemed to be a vague fantasy she'd made up.
Han had rolled into the middle of the bed while she was up. She didn't notice, and accidentally elbowed him when she rolled into her side. She winced, and Han shifted, lifting his head drowsily. She murmured a soft apology, and he shrugged, raising his arm to drape it around her.
"Jainy okay?" he mumbled gruffly.
Leia turned into his embrace and suppressed a smile. Han insisted on the cutesy nickname no matter how many times she told him it was the same amount of syllables as Jaina. She nodded without a word, and Han didn't ask why she'd been up. He let his hand drift up and down her back, and within minutes, his breathing evened out again, and he was snoring quietly.
Leia unraveled the knots still simmering in her head; she seized on a calming, mild meditation tactic to open herself up to sleep, and for several days after, she neglected to think about the subtle, indescribable occurrence at all.
It was in fact almost two weeks later that she abruptly remembered the disorienting, restless night she'd had. Following a hectic morning with a lighter afternoon, she was winding down at her desk when she was struck with an intense, wrenching cramp that caused her to push her chair backwards hastily and vomit into the waste receptacle under her desk. The cramp subsided lazily, and she pressed the back of her hand to her mouth, bewildered. Her heart raced, and after she took a moment to compose herself, she stood up, and went to the cupboard in her office, opening a climate controlled compartment. She'd had it installed when she was pregnant with Jaina, and access to cold mint water was the only thing that got her through some mornings.
She retrieved some now, swishing it in her mouth to cut the sour taste and spitting the excess into the waste bin before she started drinking it slowly. She frowned, lowing her hand to press the call button to summon Tavska. Her finger hovered, hesitating. She hadn't felt nauseous or achy in the least, didn't even have a slight headache, and her breasts weren't sore - all symptoms that would have indicated an impending cycle. That searing cramp, though -
Leia drew her hand back, compressing her lips. She took a few steps back, leaning heavily against the cupboard inlaid to the wall, and with striking clarity remembered her uncertain discontent, and the burgeoning sense she'd had a couple weeks ago that she might have gotten pregnant. Roughly, she scraped her teeth along the inside of her bottom lip, a grim feeling rising in her chest. She should have started her cycle two days ago. She clearly hadn't. She'd missed its failure to appear because, because - likely because Jaina had been toughing out a low grade fever, a runny nose, and a sore throat, last week, and between work and soothing her, she was tired and distracted.
Still, her realization did not catapult her into happiness. She continued to chew on her lip, carefully beginning to reach out to the Force. There was something - off; she could tell. Cramps weren't a particularly encouraging sign, even this early on. She remembered the acute cramps that had accompanied her miscarriage, and grimaced, compressing her lips. It could be - implantation, and she was just more sensitive to it, keener on the uptake, since she'd had Jaina. She opened her mind a little more, and assessed herself, attuning her sensitivity more closely to her body. She found something there, immediately, and just as quickly, winced and drew back, tucking her more powerful emotions away hastily.
Pregnant, she understood immediately; the firm declaration she read in her instincts - form the Force, even - a mere second later was harder to cope with - not viable.
Parting her lips, she breathed out harshly and then took another sip of water, pondering that. Not viable. So certain; her senses were gentle with the verdict, but unwavering. She agreed, and accepted, almost immediately, and then stood wondering if she'd been more aware of herself, if she could have prevented herself some shock and grief the first time. Her hand shook a little as she took another drink, and then she reached behind her and set the glass down. She looked down at her abdomen, noting the slight curve that had never faded after Jaina, but noting mostly, the flatness that would remain for a while yet.
She felt detached; she'd been blessedly protected from getting attached. It was as if she knew this one wouldn't work before it even tried to. She knew that meant something was fundamentally wrong, that nature was being merciful. She and Han weren't actively trying - were even still a little nervous about Jaina's age - yet they still wanted another baby. It wasn't devastating, but it was sobering.
Leia tilted her head back. She lifted a hand lazily and flicked it at the intercom button on her desk, using the Force to depress it and call for Tavska. A moment later. Tavska entered after a polite knock announcing her presence. She left the door cracked just barely behind her, and let her hand rest at a neatly folded position at her waist, inclining her head respectfully.
Leia didn't say anything for a moment. She was still processing what to do with herself.
"Will you please have a custodian come up here with a vaporizer for my waste bin?" she murmured.
Tavska nodded without betraying any curiosity, or inquiring further.
Leia compressed her lips.
"Has Yorev called?" she asked.
Jaina hadn't been ill today, so Han had reluctantly agreed not to cancel an appointment he'd taken to consult with the Spice Interdiction Force, and Jaina was with her caretaker. They were trying to use Yorev more and more, for their sakes', and for Jaina's. She was so protected from the Media she needed more socialization, and if they were going to have another baby in the near future, Leia wanted herself and Han both to be more comfortable with Yorev helping.
"No, Ambassador," Tavska said neatly.
Leia nodded absently. She'd take that as a good sign - Jaina must be feeling much better. She took a deep breath.
"Cancel my afternoon," she decided after a moment. "I know it's abrupt," she added tersely.
Tavska shrugged.
"Reschedule with haste or postpone indefinitely?" she asked.
Leia hesitated for a beat.
"Reschedule," she said, pursing her lips. "Yes, just - push until tomorrow. I'll stay late tomorrow."
Tavska gave one of her professional nods again, and reached behind her to take the door, exiting just as unobtrusively as she'd come in. Leia stared at the door long after it clicked, and then pushed away from the cupboard. She brushed her fingertips along her desk as she passed it, swept her commlink and its portable headset into her hand, and strolled slowly over to her sitting area, collapsing on the sofa and bringing her feet up onto the kaffe table.
Even in her absolute certainty, her trust in the Force, and its interpretation of her instincts, she wasn't an expert in the nuances. She rubbed her thumb over the pristine control panel, and affixed the headset to her ears, adjusting the thin, nearly invisible microphone to an acceptable length from her mouth. From memory, she dialed in Dr. Mellis' code, thinking, with a little half-hearted amusement, that this was going to fascinate her. Mellis had wanted a lengthy conversation with Leia - when she was recovered and ready - about her perception of Jaina's panic during labor and delivery.
She patiently went through the usual selections and pass codes before she accessed a voice automated system that offered her a direct line to Dr. Mellis if she was experiencing an emergency, and she stopped short of calling it that. Frowning, she backtracked a step, and instead requested to speak with a midwife. When she got a hold of one, she asked for Dr. Mellis, only if the woman was available. Moments later, Mellis answered her private extension.
"Leia," she greeted warmly. "I'll be damned if you're pregnant - you've barely been off the contraceptives six weeks," she said wryly.
Leia compressed her lips tightly.
"Something like that," she answered. "I need a consult, Arksiah," she said, sighing. "Today, if you have time," she added warily, self-conscious about coming off as demanding, or obnoxiously aristocratic.
Dr. Mellis paused.
"Is everything alright? Do you need emergency services?"
"I am...uncomfortable characterizing it as such," Leia answered diplomatically.
Dr. Mellis gave a curious, short laugh.
"I can make time easily," she said. "There is a reason I take very few patients - for times like this."
Leia felt a rush of relief. She bit her lip, and nodded. She arranged to be at Dr. Mellis' practice at the top of the next hour, and did not divulge much more over the secure line, preferring to keep it to herself. She needed to reflect a little more. Find a way to present her situation to Dr. Mellis without sounding uneducated or - insane. She trusted Mellis, she always had, and she knew she'd listen and offer guidance and treat Leia with the utmost respect. She also knew that her sensitivity could be alarming to others - it still alarmed her, sometimes - and in this, she was intuitive beyond the realm of medical reasoning, and it was better to explain that in person.
She sat forward on the edge of the padded examination table, her knees pressed together hard, legs dangling. The loose cotton robe she'd slipped on dropped off one shoulder, and she watched closely as Dr. Mellis removed her gloves, made a few cursory notes on a data pad, and then turned back to her, tapping a sensor on her stool so it lifted a little, affording her a better vantage point.
"You look healthy from a manual examination standpoint," she said calmly, "and I don't see any evidence of bleeding, or dilation, or any damage that could cause cramping."
Leia nodded. Mellis reached behind her and took a sleek bioscanner off of an exam cart, glancing down at it.
"Results of the blood droplet analysis and swab are still pending," she said, looking back up, "but I think you know what these will be, and I've tended to you long enough to be impressed with your instincts," she went on frankly. "If you ask me, this power in the Force is much more useful than gymnastics with a lightsaber."
Leia smiled wryly. She relaxed her knees a little. She'd found it difficult to relax during the exam, which was unusual. She'd never been wary of Dr. Mellis, and these exams in particular were a breeze, since she'd had Jaina. She suspected she was feeling vulnerable, and was somehow extra sensitive to an outside party's disruption of the quiet meltdown that was happening inside her.
"How is Jaina?" Dr. Mellis asked brightly. "My pediatric attending tells me she was a little under the weather."
"She had a little cold," Leia murmured. "We thought she had a throat inflammation, so Han took her in. Turns out she'd just cried so much over the fever and her runny nose, it irritated her throat raw."
"Poor darling," Mellis sympathized.
"Oh, yes, I've been there," Leia said dryly.
Dr. Mellis smiled, and arched her brows.
"Still nursing?" she asked.
Leia lifted one shoulder, tilting her head back and forth.
"On occasion," she answered. Leia looked down at her chest. "She's a pretty vicious biter," she mumbled darkly.
Dr. Mellis snorted appreciatively, and looked down at her bioscan device. She tapped her finger on it, read some results, and then dimmed it and set it aside, sitting forward. she rested her forearms on her knees, looking at Leia intently, her expression growing more solemn.
"Well, as you expected, you are testing positive for pregnancy hormones," she confirmed. She pursed her lips, her clinical side taking over. "That would be identifiable as early as you think you are - two weeks, did you say?" Dr. Mellis blinked in quiet awe when Leia nodded, and went on: "That early on, I won't get anything from a sono," she said, "and there's no way to run any concrete tests, but my bioscan device is warning of negative genetic indicators." She sat up a little, indicating the device she'd laid aside. "The swab I used read positive for a chemical that we - women in my field - have tentatively determined appears when the body somehow biologically determines the embryo to be defective, and prepares to reject it."
Mellis frowned.
"That science is unspecific; even my research cohort is still working on the theoretical aspect of it, and the scan I conducted is in testing phases. I am not comfortable, given my tools, and my expertise, telling you that you are having, or that you will have, a miscarriage," she said bluntly. "What I can tell you is that if this pregnancy were to end before five weeks, we'd refer to it as a chemical pregnancy - failure to implant, or a bad implant that quickly sheds."
Leia parted her lips, listening attentively.
"What should I expect?" Leia she asked quietly.
Mellis hesitated.
"I want to reiterate that right now I have no viable reason to believe you won't carry to term," she said.
"Arksiah," Leia placated gently. "I know something is wrong." She touched her hand to her ribs gingerly. "I know it's not going to take."
Mellis tilted her head, but only nodded, accepting Leia's words. She crossed one leg over the other, folded her hands in her lap, and cleared her throat delicately.
"It won't be anything like what you experienced with your first," she assured her. "I cannot, of course, speak to your emotional state, but physically there's virtually no risk. If you miscarry this early," Leia smiled wanly at Mellis' determined use of if, "you'll experience what ultimately seems like a normal menstrual cycle, if a little more intense."
She hesitated, thinking for a moment, and then looked at Leia intently.
"Leia, the vast, vast, majority of women never know they're pregnant when this happens," she explained softly. "Those who do are usually women who have had severe fertility problems, and are so much a part of the clinical conception process that they're testing themselves within hours of post-ovulation intercourse. I almost think it's better that most women never know," she added.
"How often does it happen?" Leia asked.
Dr. Mellis raised her shoulders with a sigh.
"Oh, half of all fertilization," she guessed. "I've had instances of routine blood tests that come back and indicate a chemical pregnancy loss in many, many patients, who aren't trying to get pregnant and where never aware their contraception failed. I'd never bring it up to them and cause emotional reactions that aren't there, except it usually means we need to discuss the efficacy of the contraception."
Leia nodded, pressing her lips together tightly. There was her confirmation that this intuitive, unbelievable connection she had with herself was certainly beyond science - she knew it, but it was comforting to hear it. It also afforded her the certainty that she could identify exactly when she conceived, if she paid attention closely - in this case, she had a strong suspicion that the Force had nudged her so early, so immediately, to cushion the blow of the nothingness that would become of it. In an unexpected way - she thought it worked.
She felt...serene.
"You can't tell me when I'll start bleeding, I suppose?" Leia ventured.
Mellis shook her head apologetically.
"You know better than I, Leia," she assured her. "As I said, from where I'm sitting, I've no reason to tell you it's not viable."
She considered Leia for a moment longer, and then reached out to put her hand on her knee.
"Listen," she said. "I trust your instincts. You know your body, you more than most women. Still, go home, treat yourself gently," she recommended. "If you start bleeding, just let it take its course. You or Han give me a call and set up an appointment to check everything out again when you feel ready."
Leia nodded. She leaned forward, crossing her feet at the ankles, and smiled faintly at the doctor – she really valued Mellis' ability not to take it personally when Leia challenged her, based solely on a mystical entity. She was right though – Leia knew her body, and she knew there was some defect in this barely-there life, and this, she thought, was a higher power's act of mercy.
When Leia arrived home early, Jaina was napping. Leia dismissed a surprised Yorev kindly, after he detailed their day and told her Jaina had been well-behaved the entire time. Leia doubted that was true, but she knew Yorev was still new enough that he wasn't going to tell the Princess of Alderaan if her baby had acted like an utter terror.
"Did she cry when Han left?" Leia had asked warily.
"Yes," Yorev answered, "but she forgot he existed a few minutes later."
"Don't tell him that," Leia snorted.
She peeked in on Jaina in her living room playpen - she did not take naps in the crib; it was for night time only - and then gave Yorev a nod to assure him he really was free to go. He did, a little bewildered at her unexpected arrival, and she exerted a small amount of power to keep Jaina asleep as she picked her up and took her into the home office. She laid her down on the sofa in there, and Jaina rolled over, yawning, but undisturbed. With a sigh, Leia sat down to move forward on whatever administrative work she could to help clear her schedule for the meetings she'd make up tomorrow.
She worked at that steadily until Jaina woke up, ecstatic to discover she was with Mama. Leia abandoned her work to play with Jaina and then, when Han let her know he'd be later than he expected getting home, she took Jaina into the kitchen to start making supper for her. She let her sit on a blanket on the floor, keeping a watchful eye on her until Zozy trotted in to entertain her. With Jaina occupied wrestling with a patient Zozy, Leia went through the simple process of getting her food ready. While water boiled, she pulled a small bottle out of the icebox. She dipped it in the hot water for a moment, then wiped it dry, checked the temperature, and handed it down to Jaina to hold her over.
Han walked in shortly after, shedding his jacket and throwing it on the bar side of the counter carelessly.
"Dada!" Jaina announced, dropping her bottle as she flung her hands up.
He grinned at her, and crouched down to pick her up. He greeted her with a few kisses all over her face, stopping when she started to giggle and swat at him playfully, and then he grabbed her bottle to keep it from rolling more - and to keep Zozy from licking it - handed it back to her, and sat her back on the blanket. He turned to Leia, sliding his hand over her back affectionately, and leaned over to kiss her, too, his forehead pressing into hers.
"Was Spice Interdiction impressed with your expertise?" she murmured, setting aside her knife for a moment. She wiped off her hands on a towel, abandoning the fruit.
Han nodded smugly.
"They wanted an education on the Kessel Run," he said.
"And how fast did you do it this time?"
"Nine."
Leia smirked, shaking her head, and Han lifted his chin, lifting a brow at her pointedly.
"Where's Yorev? Did Jaina destroy him? Why were you home early?" he asked.
Leia blinked and leaned back a little at the rapid fire inquiry. She expected Han to be at least mildly alarmed she had left the office shortly after lunch, but the urgency was surprising. She figured it had more to do with Jaina than her - he probably thought she'd be angry Yorev called her for help instead of him, or was worried Yorev hadn't thought to call him.
"She was fine," Leia murmured. She turned a little, pressing her hip into the counter. She glanced down at Jaina - who had finished most of her bottle, but was now trying to feed it to Zozy - and looked back up at Han, hesitating. She still hadn't decided how best to tell him, but she didn't want to put it off. She especially did not want him to be caught off guard if she did start bleeding soon.
"You?" Han prompted.
"I," Leia said, and took a deep breath. She lowered her voice a little, "am pregnant, ah...technically," she said. His face immediately lit up, his brows raising, and then he paused, confused. She went on: "It isn't going to...take," she said pointedly.
Han frowned a little. He slid his hand up and down her back once more, letting it linger near her waist.
"Take?"
"It isn't viable," Leia said.
Han stepped closer, tilting his head closer to listen.
"It's," she went on. "It's...sick," she described. "I spoke with Arksiah. It's called a chemical pregnancy. She can't detect anything wrong, but I know, it's just going to," she waved her hand at her abdomen tensely, "not work."
Han started to say something, and then stopped.
"You're sure?" he emphasized. "She says nothin's wrong, but you know?"
Leia nodded, and Han trusted her. Leia's abilities had only sharpened since she'd had Jaina - at least in terms of knowing herself, and their daughter. She was even more highly perceptive to his emotions. Standing close to her, huddled at the kitchen counter and frowning, Han struggled to process the nuances of what she was telling him. His whole day had been pretty routine - except he was usually home, too, while Yorev was with Jaina, helping her acclimate. He kept his hand resting on her lower back, and then slowly began to trace up and down her spine again, tilting his head to study her. She pursed her lips, and looked down at the fruit she'd been cutting.
"Hmm, well," he mumbled uncertainly. "You - gonna be okay?" he asked lamely. Was he going to be okay? Pretty easy answer for him. He'd only had a split second of excitement, and that was easily left by the wayside.
Leia shrugged, and nodded. She lifted her head and turned it, picking up a piece of fruit and popping it in her mouth.
"It's nothing. Ahh...not nothing," she said slowly, "I just didn't think you should...not know. Even though it's nothing," she sighed. "I didn't want to not tell you I'm going to have a miscarriage." Han ran his hand over her shoulder, squeezed, then slid it down her back again. "I'm not making any sense to you, am I?" she murmured warily.
"S'not that, I get it," he said, trialing off. "It's just, we been through this once before, and last time - "
She shook her head, cutting him off.
"It isn't like that," she said quickly. "It's more...primitive. I lost that first baby, Han, it was months in...and I wasn't precise enough in my senses to know it was doomed from the start. I got attached. This," she frowned, "it hasn't taken. It's fragile and it won't last. I'm not supposed to know about it, and if it did take, it's so...damaged we might have to terminate and I," she breathed out shakily, "I don't want to make that decision. Or deal with that."
"So," he began cautiously. "Are you hurting?"
"No, it hasn't started yet. I'm still pregnant, strictly speaking," she said dryly. "Arksiah says it will be like a period. Maybe more intense."
He leaned forward and kissed her shoulder. She shrugged.
"If I was different, I wouldn't have noticed. I wanted you to know," she assured him quietly. "I'll try to find a way to explain it better. Or Arksiah can." She reached over to touch his wrist. "It's okay if you don't really feel anything. I...don't know if I do."
"I feel somethin'," Han said bluntly. "I mean, we wanted one."
Leia sighed, nodding in agreement, and rested her head on his shoulder fondly. She searched inside herself, analyzing her feelings. It was a little sad. But it was clinical. It wasn't heart wrenching, and it wasn't hopeless. She knew she could have a healthy baby, and she had one, right - her maternal alarms started to go off, and she lifted her head, and stepped back, peering over at Jaina's - now abandoned - blanket.
"Jaina's escaped," she murmured.
Han looked down - Jaina's bottle was rolling back and forth lazily on the hardwood floor, trapped between Zozy's triumphant paws. She was nowhere to be seen, but he didn't panic. The whole apartment was baby-proofed, and she had yet to figure out stairs. As of now, she liked to sit at the bottom of them pondering their function, and then crying when she couldn't get up them.
"Jaaaain-yyy," Han called loudly.
She leapt around the corner unsteadily, hands raised claw-like in the air, and shrieked at them mischievously. She ran forward - she had just recently figured out running - and threw herself at Han's legs, pretending to bite him. Han picked her up easily, and turned so Leia could see her face. Leia leaned in and tickled her ribs, smiling when the toddler squirmed and giggled, scrunching up her cute little nose. She admired her a little more on this evening in particular.
Taking a deep breath, she drew her hand back and tilted her head up.
"I do think we might...wait a few more months to try again, after all," she added. "Jaina is still...pretty little," she justified. "And when I sensed I was pregnant I felt a little overwhelmed," she admitted.
"You wanna take your shot again?" Han asked.
"Until she's two, maybe?" Leia suggested. "I'm sorry, I thought - "
"Don't apologize,"Han said firmly. "Just let me know what you need."
Leia nodded. She smiled, and reached up to smooth Jaina's hair down. Jaina raised her arms, leaned over, and grabbed Leia tightly for a hug, jabbering at her incoherently. Smiling, Leia took her from Han and kissed her nose. Han leaned back and crossed his arms, watching them with a lopsided smirk. Jaina was so worth every moment. He was perfectly fine taking things a little slower, and he trusted Leia to know what was right for her, and how to handle it.
A week later, Leia spent most of the early morning hours restless, back and forth between bed and the sani, until she decided it was just better to stay in the bathroom. She couldn't sleep anyway, so why risk making a mess of the sheets? Her abdomen ached, the cramps waxing and waning aggressively, and Han stumbled in sleepily and sat down against the wall across from her. Hunched forward with her head nearly touching her knees, she urged him to go back to bed. He refused, and sort of fell asleep with his head propped against the wall, sitting with her for an hour or so until she guessed the worst was over, fixed herself with the proper feminine products, and went back to bed herself.
It was a given that she'd take the day off from work. She worked through her cycle all the time, of course; that was second nature to all women - but this was a little more intimate, and Dr. Mellis had been right, it was more intense. Cramps a little stronger, thriving headache, faint nausea, and the inevitable emotional downswing, too, despite that she'd known full well, right away, this was how it would end.
She put on an old t-shirt of Han's and stayed in bed, long after Han got up. He didn't stray far, other than to check on Jaina when she started making noise and announcing she was awake. They never took her out of the crib immediately, anyway, preferring to let her entertain herself in there until she got truly agitated. He was in and out of the bedroom, coming back once with a glass of juice and two capsules.
"Called Arksiah and let her know," he said gruffly. "Tavska's gonna coordinate you an appointment next week." He set the juice and the capsules on the table. "She said you need electrolytes," he informed her, "and that it won't hurt you to take a painkiller."
Curled up comfortably, Leia shook her head, opening her eyes to look at him tiredly.
"I don't need them," she murmured.
"Leia," Han said, nudging the two capsules towards her. "Just take 'em. You don't need to feel it to...feel it," he said, frowning.
She looked at him silent for a while, and then sat up and complied, washing them down with the cold juice. Han sat down on her side of the bed, just on the edge, and leaned closer, resting his hand on her hip. He tilted his head at her and watched her drink the rest of the juice - she was thirstier than she'd expected, and took the glass when she moved to set it aside. He touched his palm to her cheek, neck, and forehead, checking for a fever; her skin felt fine.
"I'm fine," she said, turning her head to kiss his palm. "I'm fine, Han. Go get her breakfast," she encouraged. "She's thinking about - "
"Dada!" Jaina shrieked from her nursery. "Mama? Dada?" she screamed, quite suddenly irate at her solitude.
"Screaming," Leia whispered wryly. She laid back down with a wan smile, and Han nodded. He gave her a kiss, squeezed her hip, and went to tend to their daughter. Not long after he left, Zozy scampered in, climbed up on the bed, and sniffed his way upwards, giving Leia a soft chirp as he nudged his nose at her chin. She scratched his ears, and he hopped over her and flopped down in the middle of the bed, swishing his tail lazily.
She turned onto her back and rolled her head to look at him, pursing her lips at him in a silent kiss. He was a living, breathing reminder of the first time she'd gone through this, in a healing way. She wished she'd had half the understanding last time as she had now, when it had felt like the end of the world, and it was all terror and hopelessness. This was not the same at all - she was full of acceptance and inner peace and logically, knew this was a stumbling block that wouldn't affect their plans for another baby, but for a moment, she gave in to the sadness.
She rolled towards Zozy and hugged him, closing her eyes tightly and pressing her face into his neck. She snuggled him gently for a little while, and then got up gingerly to use the sani again, pressing her hand to her abdomen to massage a rough cramp. She brushed her teeth, and ran her fingers through her hair, and then flicked the light off in the 'fresher and nearly ran into Han as she came out to go back to bed. She put a hand on his shoulder, placating the wary look on his face.
She swallowed hard, and he lifted his hand, running his palm smoothly across her cheek to dry her face for her. He tilted his head sympathetically.
"Where's Jaina?" she asked, her voice trembling.
"She's in her pen downstairs," he answered. "She's bein' noisy this morning," he added. He hadn't wanted to bring her in and disturb Leia's resting, or her reflection. Jaina was singing - nonsense singing, Han didn't understand a word of her clumsy attempts at language, but he gave her serious looks and told her it was excellent music, anyway.
Leia nodded. She folded her arms, and hugged herself, biting her lip. Han sighed and pulled her close, resting his chin on her head, and hugging her tightly with one arm.
"I love you, Sweetheart," he said, kissing the top of her head.
She rested her cheek on his chest, and then leaned back, wriggling lose of him. She offered him a wry smile, slipping past him to go back to bed.
"I don't need another Mooka," she teased lightly, and Han snorted.
He stood where he was, watching her settle back in and curl up. She wiped at her own eyes, breathing out in frustration. He didn't see why she'd be frustrated with herself with being upset, even if she knew this was going to happen, and felt like they needed a little more time with just Jaina. He strode forward again, ran a hand over her hair soothingly, and then turned and left, heading down the stairs to get Jaina.
He was back a few minutes later, carrying her, and having a solemn, low conversation with her as he brought her into the room. Jaina's face lit up. She raised a hand and waved it at Leia eagerly, beaming.
"Mama," she said, pointing. She gave Han a look. "Mama."
"Yeah, she's still here," Han said quietly, carrying her to his side of the bed. "She doesn't feel good, so we're gonna be real quiet, and gentle," he instructed, sitting down. "You hear me?" He asked. Jaina strained to get away from him and onto the bed with Leia. "Jainy. Nod at me. Pretend you're gonna listen," he said sternly, showing her a nod. Jaina stuck her fingers in her mouth and mimicked his nod, grinning.
He let her go, and Jaina crawled across the bed, squashing Zozy's tail in her dash for Leia. Zozy only flicked his ears tolerantly. Jaina grasped Leia's face and gave her a kiss, laughing. She sat back, lifting her hands, and began to babble conversationally, saying almost nothing of substance. She was vocal, had been since she turned a year old. Leia had a theory that Jaina was more prone to mimic conversation because of her relationship with the Force, and her connection to Leia; she knew it was much more likely that her mother would interpret her correctly, even if she lacked language skills. Han watched her with amusement, and Leia nodded blithely, reaching out to tickle her foot.
"You understand her when she does that?" Han asked.
Leia laughed hoarsely.
"No," she said. "A little," she amended. "If she knows what the object is she's thinking of, I get an image, but she has issues with the linguistics," she murmured. She looked at Jaina intently. "Something about her fork."
Han snorted.
"Oh yeah, I let her try to feed herself," he muttered. "She poked herself in the nose and threw the fork at me."
"Did she throw it with her hands?"
Han shook his head, smirking.
Leia reached out to gently poke Jaina's stomach.
"Are you tattling on Daddy?"
Han clicked his tongue, offended. He shifted, and got back into bed with her, nudging Zozy aside. Leia looked over at him, her sadness suddenly evaporating. Han propped his head up on his hand, raising his brows at Jaina.
"We're gonna stay here with Mama all day," he said, turning his head to Leia. "Make her feel better," he promised. With that, he made a show of settling in, his foot drifting across the bed to nudge against Leia's. Jaina followed his lead, and crawled forward, rolling herself over on her back between them. Leia pulled her close and kissed her nose, combing fingers through her hair and smiling at Han over the crown of her head.
He nodded firmly, intent on spending the entire day like this if that's what felt right, getting through and moving on and going back to regular routines tomorrow. Leia closed here eyes and loosened her arms, letting Jaina go so she could crawl around and explore within the confines of the bed. Zozy sat up to watch her, and Leia reached for Han's hand, pulling his knuckle to her lips and kissing it. Chemical, or nonviable, or whatever it was, her sensitivity made it undeniable and tangible, and yet it was bearable; there was nothing to do but let nature take its course without resistance. Rather than deprivation, Leia felt resilience, and there was nothing like idly spending the day in bed with Jaina and Han to remind herself this was not a tragedy, it was just something that happened.
-alexandra
story #378