A memoir of a butterfly

"Ritsuka…"

That is all I could say, the only word I am sure of. The only word I never fear, my safety…my deepest wishes. "I hate you Soubi! I hate you! Leave me alone!". That's all I hear of him, as I stood beside his bed, observing his pretty face. The face I wished I could call mine. Nothing was ever mine. Not even myself.

"Why do you hate me?".

"For lying! You lied! You lied to me! I hate you very much!", he told me.

Those are nothing but words, but they made me bleed. A pain I am not used to. I'm scared, I don't know what pain is this. Why is there no spell to repel the pain? Why is my heart burning? I am suffocating…I need his help.

"Ritsuka…help me, I'm dying".

"I don't care!I don't need you! I hope you die! I wish that you didn't exist!".

I froze. I wanted to know if he meant it but the lump on my throat prevented me to. I want to know if he cared for me still. I want to know if he still loves me. He's back was on me, that very back that my hands used to dwell on. My heart really aches. The only pain I can't handle. The tears welled up on my eyes but I froze them. I don't want Ritsuka see me cry. It will worry him.

I sat, my back on his bedside. My beautiful Ritsuka, I wish to see you. I want to see you now, to feel better, but it's your back that's welcoming me. Not your face, your glorious smile. The smile that could heal.

"Ritsuka…please heal me…"

I feel my body weighing me, but I waited patiently. Now, I faced his back, hoping that it would turn and would give me what I want the most. I was now leaning on his side, caressing his face. "I'm scared Ritsuka, please hold my hand, please kiss me, please sing me a lullaby…please…show me your face".

No answer, just a deafening silence of the night. The tears I tried my best to hold back fell out of control. My heart ached so much, I can't make it beat anymore. It's too broken.

"You may hate me, but I love you Ritsuka, you're the only one that I ever loved, I love you more than anything else in the world".

No reply. My little Ritsuka's asleep. I smiled, "My Ritsuka, mine". I gave him a kiss and left.

Please take good care of my memories…

"…Soubi…?"

I felt bad about the things I said about Soubi. I wished I could've apologized, those words were mean. I think I have wounded him deeply. I have to go to his house, apologize to him before it's too late.

There's blood on my floor…is this Soubi's?

The blood made my heart skip a beat. I feel worse now. I need to see him if he's okay. I have to hug him, touch his face, heal his wounds, and kiss him. I have to make up for him. I have to fix him, because he's already broken. And I just added another deep crack.

Ritsuka, I'm scared…

Time's ticking, I have to hurry, so I ran. My heart aching with worry, I want to make everything safe for him. He's mine! Tears fell from my eyes as I ran, "Soubi, what have I done? All you did was protect me and love me but I drove you away".

Soubi, I'm so sorry…

As I opened the door, I found him on the floor, bloodied, "Soubi!". I caressed his bloody face, "What happened to you?", my voice drowned in tears. He smiled and hushed me.

"Kiss me Ritsuka, please, that's all…I…wish, no…thing more".

I kissed him, with all my love poured on it. Hugging him tightly around me. I wanted to be his, and him to be mine. Was that too much to ask? Must he suffer greatly? Must I not have him? He choked, "Hold on! I'll get help!". He stopped me with his frail hands.

"Ritsuka…I…I love…you".

"Don't talk! Please, stay with me, I still need you", I cried, and my tears flooded his face. "I love you so much! Please don't go! Don't leave me alone! I'm scared…". nothing, not the slightest sound, even the sound of a heartbeat. Soubi is still, and cold. "Soubi?".

No answer, again. "Soubi, please…wake up". Nothing, no movement. He did not hear what I have said, he did not hear my I love you. It was too late. He' dead, and it was all my fault. I let him fight alone. Now he' wounded badly and now died.

All I could do now is to love him forever, cherish his memories and will be his legacy. My Soubi, I am forever yours. This is what I say to you…

Goodbye, my love