It's gone. Forever.
I used to have ambition. Ever since I was a little girl, I knew what I was going to do with my life. I had a plan. Where did it all go so wrong? Why has my life crumbled around my ears? Don't get me wrong, I love my life. I love my beauteous husband, my radiant, brilliant son. I even love my Tuney. But I never wanted this. All those times when I was planning my life, this wasn't what I wanted. You don't understand. James could never understand. Only one person could. But that's out of the question; I can't talk to Severus, not now, not after what he's done.
When I was a little girl, I wanted to be actress. I was always so dramatic - maybe too dramatic sometimes - and I knew I could it. Maybe I was too self-assured. But I was wooed by the lights, the music, and the fame. What? I was only little, barely out of nursery; I always had big ambitions! Me and Tuney used to act out scenes at home, royals, pirates, Tuney's favourite was animals - she couldn't wait to be a zookeeper. She used to tell all these stories about what her life would be like when she was older; she wanted to travel the world, caring for exotic and endangered animals. It was my fault she never made it. Me and my stupid magic! My favourite game was witches – not surprising, really! The thought of flying on broomsticks, waving a wand and getting whatever you wanted really appealed to me. I never even thought it would come true!
When I was a little older, I wanted to be a nurse. I'd outgrown the selfish, egocentric part of my life and I wanted to do something special. I wanted to be remembered as someone who did the best she could with the talent she had. I don't know where my urge to nurse came from. My parents, who were lovely people, I mean, absolutely beautiful, never did anything like that. I'm not saying they weren't special. They were. I love my parents and always have done but they never really had ambition. They were happy with their lives. I suppose that's good, they never wanted for anything; I did. My best friend broke her arm once. It wasn't a bad break, but we were all alone and she was so scared. We were still in Primary school. I remember running, laughing - we were always laughing - and then I couldn't hear her anymore. It was like slow motion. The silence. Then the scream; a terrible, tormenting, blood-curdling scream. I can still feel my blood turning to ice. She was my best friend, I didn't know what I'd have done if anything had happened to her. It seems stupid now, worrying about a broken arm, when so much horror has gone on in the world, but to an 8-year old girl, one arm that was more bent that necessarily normal was a nightmare. I just held her hand and tried to stop her crying. And I remember when she was being taken in the ambulance, I had such a rush of adrenalin - I wanted it again, everyday! I wanted people I didn't even know to come up to me in the street and thank me for saving their granny or their boyfriend. I wanted to do something, to help people. To be honest, I still do. I suppose I always thought I'd do something but there's no chance of that now. But if I ever could, I'd want to...
And then I met my Sev. Severus Snape. The kindest, most honest man I've ever met. I knew him vaguely, he lived in the village. Kids were always laughing at him, stealing his things. And everyone knew what he coped with at home. No love lost there, I can tell you! But that's not important. I knew I was different, that I could do things other people couldn't, but I could never tell anyone. Who would believe me? I'd tried to tell Tuney but she never listened. And then he came, appearing from the bushes, like a shadow, and he became my best friend. He told me so many things, so many amazing things; I learned I was witch and he was a wizard, I discovered there was an entire world I didn't know about. It was brilliant. The best time of my life. I wanted to be the best witch of my age; I wanted to learn amazing things - with Sev alongside me. But I lost Tuney. I gained my best friend and lost my sister. And I never got her back. It's been 10 years, 10 long, upsetting, fantastic years, and my sister's never been my Tuney again. Sev made it all okay though. I forgot about Petunia, about mum and dad, about my worries about Hogwarts, and I lived that summer like I've never lived again. Severus Snape was my saviour. I never stopped loving him. I love James, he's my soulmate, my other half, but Sev was there for me when no one else was, he was like me, but not me.
I am blessed to be a wife. James is... James is James. He loves me for who I am; he looks at me as if he can't see the flaws. And I was born to be a mum. Harry looks at me as if I am a goddess. He is beautiful, my son, his eyes so green, and his hair so black. I hope he has a good life. My heart breaks when I realise he'll never be able to call anyone Mama, he'll never be able to call anyone Papa. And he'll be alone. If I could stay with him, with James, I would, but I can't.
There's nothing I can do. There's nothing I want more than growing up with James and Harry, and becoming a brilliant witch, becoming a Healer. But I can't. Not anymore. And there's nothing I can do about it. My ambition.
Gone.