Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, New Moon, etc. Or any of the material within them.
This takes place in New Moon, after Charlie confronts Bella about her state, Bella hears Edward's voice in Port Angeles, and Bella takes a trip to the Cullens' but is unsuccessful with hearing it again.
Sparkling Angel – A New Moon Interlude
I curled myself into a ball under the covers, thinking…
What had happened that night with Jessica had changed the rules. Well, more accurately, it had changed the game. For so many months all I had wanted was numbness – I had blocked out any infinitesimal reminder of him as a bulwark, it was the only way to spare myself from the most unbearable pain of loss. And I had developed a pattern, lived my life according to my one goal, to avoid thinking of what had broken me at all costs… Sure I had kept up a somewhat faulty ruse of normalcy for Charlie's sake, but inside I was empty. A gaping chasm where love had once lived. I didn't mind though. The numbness was a fair trade for the absence of the horrific agony. Lack of sensation was a necessary accompaniment of my objective, both conscious and subconscious. For so long I had wanted nothing more than to feel nothing.
But then I had heard his voice…
His angelic voice, clear as if he had been standing next to me on that street in Port Angeles. Velvet and honey, the most beautiful sound in the world, and he was protecting me… Okay, so odds were that I was going insane. At the very least it was some kind of wish fulfillment, granted to me by my warped psyche. Either way it was wrong. A delusion. A symptom of schizophrenia and other illness. Yet it changed everything in an instant because I realized, crazy or not, that life was not worth living without hearing his voice. And it was obvious to me then that this anesthetic method of living, even if it was my most basic form of self-preservation, could no longer continue. Because I had tasted the forbidden fruit. I had heard him growl at me angrily, warning me to stay out of danger's path. Heard him speak to me as if he really loved me…. And I desperately needed more.
But now that the barrier around him had been breached, and my goal had been changed, I was at a loss for how to continue. I would think of him, I supposed, and then deal with whatever misery ensued. Yes. That was the best course for now, at least…
Yet once I opened the floodgates of my memories, there was no way to censure, to repress or dilute; my thoughts and feelings ran free, and twisted and spiraled in disturbing paths. I thought of his cold, dead smile as he had ripped my heart in to pieces. Why? I thought desperately. I mean, I understood plainly that I was not, and never had been, good enough for him, but why had he allowed the charade to go on for so long? Why had he filled my life with false beliefs, with untrue words and empty hopes and dreams?
Still, I wasn't angry with him. How could I be when I loved him with every inch of my being? My love for him would not weaken over time, like the sieve that he had predicted. I knew that now. He was still very much the reason for my existence. But he wasn't mine anymore. Perhaps he never really was. I guess everything he told me was deceit, as well. He had said that he loved me, that he would stay with me. So many lies and broken promises…
It reminded me of my own promise, to keep myself safe. One that I had been clinging to with full devotion as it had been his last request of me. Stupid, really. Why was I bound to keep my end of the bargain when everything he had sworn to me had been shattered? It will be as if I never existed. Impossible. A promise doomed from its very inception. But he had asked me to stay safe, and he had seemed so sincere at that moment. He had been momentarily as passionate and caring as if he still loved me. I'm thinking of Charlie, of course. He needs you. Take care of yourself – for him.
Of course, not for Edward – I thought his name tentatively, approaching it as one approaches a venomous snake – but for Charlie. I needed to take care of myself so my father would be spared more grief. My poor father. I had done nothing but hurt him, even with my greatest effort. I had truly put so much energy into pretending I was well for him, and he had seen right through it. A pointless waste. It was the one thing I had been extremely dedicated to doing for the past few months and it was completely futile… The hole in my chest throbbed painfully.
I tried to examine my position fairly. It was quite pathetic. Here I was keeping promises to a man who had cleaved my soul in two, suffering to keep up a charade which fooled no one, and worst of all, I felt like I was still drowning in the anguish of Edward's absence. As I thought of him again the pain lapped up around me and washed over me like a tidal wave. Desperately, urgently, I wanted this feeling to end. I really didn't know how I was still living; it felt like this amount of ache was surely fatal. So badly I needed to stop the pain. The numbness was far easier than this, but it was too late. I didn't know how to return to feeling nothing. I was no longer able to sequester my memories and love for Edward into the recesses of my mind. The images kept resurfacing at a rapid rate, assaulting me. Every one of our moments together…
You are my life now… I love you… Be Safe… I wasn't going to live without you…
And then they were shifting towards the end…
We're leaving… You're not good for me… I won't come back…
Goodbye, Bella…
STOP. Please. I can't! I can't do this, I wanted to scream. I realized I was gasping aloud, my sheets were twisted and damp with sweat. I needed to calm myself, to stop this before it got even worse… But what were my options? I didn't want this torture and I couldn't return to the numbness…
I also knew instinctively that I wanted to hear his voice; even at this moment, it was a need so fervent that I was beginning to ache for it. I wanted to fool myself into believing he cared for me. And I wanted to break my promise to him about keeping safe.
I was overwhelmed by the urge to be selfish. To do anything necessary to bring about what I wanted-no, needed, to end the pain, and attain my other desires. I knew it wasn't merely the déjà-vu aspect that activated the delusions, for my visit to the Cullen house had precipitated no similar experience. It must have been the danger I'd exposed myself to in that situation. The breaking of my promise that brought about his angry, silken voice in my mind…
A vague plan was emerging in my head. Perhaps it was time to truly break my promise. To shatter it like he had shattered his. I turned the idea over carefully in my mind, examining my life as objectively as possible. I was living, day by day, completely and totally without joy or purpose. I would never love again. At least, not in any way comparable to what I was capable of. All my friends had forgotten me. Not even Angela tried to talk to me anymore. I was inhuman, anyway. A zombie. A shadow of my former self.
My plan was becoming clearer, more focused as I scrutinized the facts. No one in the world needed me. Even to Charlie I was just a source of pain. He didn't need me. He had fended for himself without me for a long time before I had come, and he could do it again…
But most of all, what truly formed my decision was the recognition that Edward, that none of the Cullens were ever coming back for me. I was reminded of my recurring nightmare, of the dense forest, the endless searching until I realized every night – that there was nothing to search for, and nothing to find. That there never had been anything more than the empty, dreary wood, and there would never be anything more for me. Nothing but nothing… The life I had chosen was gone from me forever. The love of my life, the reason for my existence was never going to return to me. That he had never really loved me was hardly a factor. Even though on his behalf it was deceit, I knew that for me there was nothing as real as my love for Edward. Oh Edward…
And that was it. I had made my mind. I was going to smash my promise to pieces, end my pain, and, hopefully, hear Edward's voice in the process.
Tomorrow I was going to take my life.
Author's Note: It's going to get more exciting, I promise. Please tell me what you think! I have more to publish if you'd like me to...