Kamui: Hello, this is Kamui Nopenis. Anchorman for HarryDick News. Remember, if it ain't hairy, it ain't goin' on my dick! (sigh) Who writes this shit?
(camera shot of Pikachu)
Kamui: Anyway, in top news today we are interviewing Miss Emeraude Vaginahead, and her association with F.A.G – Forgotten Alcoholic Girlymen and Girls. So, what inspired you to start said association, Miss Emeraude?
Emeraude: Well, really Kamui, the only reason I started this is because I like girly men. We creations of CLAMP like our men girly! Big shoulders, non-existent hips, like you Kamui.
(shot of Kamui masturbating, awkward pause)
Kamui: ...Now, let's interview those addicts, shall we?
Kamui: Our first sob story comes from the name of Fruity Loops, who is actually a possessed green leprechaun.
Ferio: Excuse me, excuse me, my name is actually Ferio.
Kamui: Sure. So Fruity Loops, how did you become an alcoholic?
Ferio: First, let me just say that becoming a fag is the best thing I've done in my life.
Kamui: (snickering) Excuse me, could you repeat that last part?
Ferio: The best thing I've ever done is become a fag!
Kamui: Ah, yes, you are a fine fag… Please continue.
Ferio: Well, Katalogs kept calling me- they wanted me to be their spokesperson. I think their bird went on a suicidal rampage and killed all of the toucans. But they kept harassing me! So, what did I do? I started experimenting with my Fruit Loops. I put vodka-tonics in them, and I was hooked. And now I have these thunder thighs! Some of my fag buddies think I should loose the weight, they support me.
Kamui: (laughing) Now, let's see some other members! …Welcome Umi!
Umi: Hello you male bastard.
Kamui: Can you please tell me why you have a live-size Hikaru doll behind you?
Umi: I always carry one with me.
Kamui: Right. So, Umi, how did you become an alcoholic?
Umi: Well, you loathsome shit-faced scum I will tell you.
(Kamui inches away)
Umi: Why are you so far away from me? Are you scared of me? It is a sad day when a bastard cowers from a female.
Kamui: Err… No?
Umi: Good. Now, my alcoholism. I spent many a night camping outside Hikaru's window.
(Kamui is fucking Presea)
Umi: Can we continue?
Kamui: Yea, go on.
(Kamui continues his business)
Umi: I can't concentrate when you are degrading that girl with typical animalistic male habits.
Kamui: She's not alive.
(awkward silence)
Kamui: (pulls up pants)
Umi: Let me remind you that your girlfriend died a painful and horrible death that I wish on the entire male population.
Kamui: I have nothing to say to that.
Umi: Anyway, I was watching Hikaru. The only way I can enhance the experience is by alcohol. I don't remember the rest.
Kamui: So, you only did this one night?
Umi: Is it more legal that way?
Kamui: ...Next interview!
How high was I when I wrote this shit?
Haha, anyway, hope you enjoyed.
Sorry it's so short, considering I don't plan on writing anymore of this.
Much love, Katie