Chapter 1
"Bella?" I woke to Emmett's voice. "Hey Bella." He shook my shoulder a bit.
Raising my head I looked around, a little confused. Seeing that I was in the Cullen's living room, I remembered that they had all gone hunting, except Emmett who was staying with me until they came back.
Ever since the Cullen's had left after my birthday and then came back, I felt like I would be abandoned again when they all went hunting together. I never said anything and suffered alone, until Jasper spoke up about feeling how anxious I was once before a hunting trip. After that, Edward made sure I always had a 'Bella sitter' while the rest of the family was gone. This trip, Emmett got stuck with the job.
"Bella what is this?" I looked down to see where his eyes were glued, and I was horrified to see that my shorts had ridden up and my scars were showing. "What happened?" Emmett questioned me.
"It's nothing Emmett," I quickly said, downplaying it as I pulled the blanket back over my legs.
"No Bella, it's not nothing. What happened?" I could see the big brother coming out, and it tore me apart that Emmett might find out what actually happened when they all left me.
I lost myself in my memories.
Edward and the rest of the family-who I thought were my family-have been gone now for just over a month. I was a walking zombie, Charlie worried constantly about me, and I really didn't want to live anymore. I should have known better than to think I was good enough for them. I was plain old Bella; no one wants me. I was upset with myself that it took me that long to figure that out.
After being in a depressed state for so long, I finally felt something inside me snap. With it being late at night it was easy for me to walk across the hall to the bathroom without waking Charlie. Closing the door I turned around and searched through the medicine cabinet for my razor refills. Snatching one out of the box, I sat on the toilet with the lid down. Using all my might, I snapped the plastic and pulled a single razor blade out. Pulling my pyjama shorts up around my upper thigh, I brought my hand down and made a quick small cut. Without another thought I did it again and again and again. I watched the blood flow for a minute in a daze.
Once I came to my senses, I had a total of 5 small cuts across my upper right thigh. It was odd that my blood wasn't making me sick; any other time I would be on the verge of passing out. Instead, I wanted to see more. I wanted to know that I was still alive. I wanted to feel like I was the one in control of my pain for once. I wanted to know that my blood could flow and I wouldn't be in danger of being bitten. I didn't blame Jasper in any way for what happened at my birthday, but nonetheless, it was a comfort that I could bleed and not fear for my life.
Rising from the toilet I searched the cabinet once again for bandages. After cleaning the blood up and bandaging my leg, I cleaned and wrapped the blade and brought it back to my room, stashing it in my bedside table drawer. I knew that this wouldn't be a onetime thing.
"Bella please," Emmett begged, almost to the point of crying, or as close to crying as a vampire could get. "Please tell me what happened."
At first I resolved not to say a word about that time in my life, but Emmett's heartbroken face tore into my carefully built wall around my emotions. Suddenly lunging toward Emmett, I wrapped my arms around him and started crying. As the sobs continued, Emmett gathered me on his lap and rocked me.
"It'll be okay. I'm not leaving you, I'll keep you safe." I did feel safe in my big brothers arms, but I was still ashamed to admit what I had done.
I don't know how long we sat there, until the tears finally stopped, and I could speak without a tremble in my voice.
"Emmett, this is so hard to tell someone, let alone say out loud. I don't even know what to say or where to start." I spoke in a low voice.
"Bells just start at the beginning. Take all the time you need, I'm not leaving."
We sat in silence, Emmett comforting me for a good 5 minutes. Finally I worked up the courage to start.
"Emmett when you guys left I did stuff I'm not proud of," I whispered. "I felt so numb and so alone, that I was like a zombie for the first month after you left. I didn't know what to do. I didn't even feel human anymore." I paused and took a breath.
"One night, it was like I snapped. Next thing I knew I was sitting in the bathroom cutting my leg with a razor blade." I kept my head on his shoulder so I wouldn't have to see his face. Unfortunately, that wasn't what he wanted. He moved my head up so I would have to look him in the eye, and I saw how broken those words made him.
"Bella, you could have killed yourself. What were you thinking?"
Once again I had tears streaming down my face. "I wasn't Emmett. I just did it and it made me feel pain so I knew I was still alive. It made me feel human again." Shaking my head I looked down. "I don't know how to describe it."
"I'm so sorry. If I knew it would have affected you this badly I would have fought harder to stay. I'm sorry Bella; I let you down."
"No," I looked back up into his eyes. "That wasn't your fault, or anyone else's, but mine. It was my decision to make, my mistake to make."
I hugged him and laid my head on his shoulder. We sat there for a while until he broke the silence.
"Bella, did you only do it that once?"
Taking a deep breath I whispered. "No."
"How many times?"
"Seven. I quit after 2 months."
I was scared. I didn't know what he thought of me anymore, and I didn't know if he would tell the other Cullen's. Then I remembered.
"Shit, Edward's going to read your mind, he's going to find out." I started panicking.
"No no no," Emmett tried to calm me. ""I can keep him out of my head; he won't know unless you want him to. But Bella, I think he should know."
"No please Emmett, you can't tell him. He can't know. He'll flip out." I begged.
He stared at me for a few minutes, then let out a large breath. "Fine, I won't tell him, but eventually you'll have to tell him or he'll find out himself."
"I know," I nodded. "But I still need time."
"Alright." He pulled me to him and hugged me. "If you need help telling him, or if you ever feel like you have to resort to that again, please let me know. You're my little sister Bells, I'm supposed to protect you. And I will, even if it's from yourself."
As tears rolled down my damp cheeks, I held onto Emmett's strong shoulders. I knew he would help me, and that he would always be there for me. With that revelation, I drifted off to sleep in his arms, emotionally exhausted from the purging of my past, and content that I was under my big brother's protection.