Disillusioned
By Frustrated Bookworm
A/N: Before anything else, I'd like to greet Ruth Mae Flores a belated happy birthday! And Happy Holidays folks!
You wanted me to write us our story.
I lie awake in a corner. Unmoving. Unblinking. But taking in broken memories as to how our fairytale had gone wrong. You said it would be a happy ending, no? So why the hell did you take a single step away from the door? I never understood. You never did tell me. You left without even uttering a single word explanation. Not even a text, or a call. It has been months. So why now?
The cold water from the faucet ran through and I washed my face atop. I shivered once it made contact with my skin. A ring came outside the bathroom, from the phone. I scurried to get toward it, without turning off the running water. I hold the telephone with my wet left hand.
The other line was just as quiet as the background coming out inside my room.
"Hello," I stated rather languidly after couple of seconds with no answer.
The person from the other line exhaled.
"Thank God this is the right number."
My eyes widened and my body felt abruptly stiff. I recognize this voice. I will never be wrong to whom this kind of voice belongs to.
I looked at the far window that is parallel to my bed and suddenly noticed that my throat is dry, a lump threatening to form on it.
I didn't know I was shocked and couldn't speak for a while until she broke the silence,
"Are you still there?" Her tone came out as hesitant. My chest tightened as I collect my will to talk.
"Yes..." I trailed off and immediately added, "What do you want?"
That was not what I want to say but it just came out of nowhere.
"Cutting to the chase as always, aren't we?" she chuckled a bit.
I can almost visualize her, right here, right now. Her auburn tresses that cascaded greatly onto her back. Her perfect white teeth. Her hazel orbs that never fail to express everything she was trying to conceal. Then her smile, the thing I missed the most. I blinked disappointedly as the reality came rushing in on the back of my mind, throwing it on my face.
"Just... blurt it out, S." The longer this conversation pushed through, the more my hope became high.
She sighed shortly through the phone. The kind of sigh she always did when we baked cookies together and one of it got toasted more than usual. The kind of sigh that suggested she was the one at fault—the one to blame. I guess I knew her more than enough that I can quietly tell what all her gestures mean. And her reactions and everything.
"I have to talk to you," she finally answered.
"But we are already tal—"
She cut me off, "I meant personally."
To say that I was perplexed would be an understatement.
"What do you mean?" I questioned without even thinking clearly.
"Just a simple talk. You and I. I just have to tell you something."
I clasped the phone tighter that my knuckle almost turned white. I can't find right words. My mind seemed in daze.
"Come meet me, okay?" her voice came out pleading, like she was tired. Tired and vulnerable so I came to a conclusion to not push this chat even more , I agreed.
"Alright. Tell me when and where."
I gazed at myself in front of the mirror. Should I stay this way? Looking all gross and untidy. I guess not. So I came to a ring of finality that I have to try to look at my best albeit my appetite is not suitable for my old self.
I shaved the growing whiskers on my chin and upper lip and practically washed and wiped myself clean and pleasing. I don't want to show up to her looking like some bandit that lived in a faraway cave that had yet reached civilization. I shook my head. Why am I thinking all these thoughts? It's not like she will meet me to bring back the relationship between us, the perfect thing we once were. I shrugged and put my random lingering thoughts into a halt and stormed out of the door.
The wind brushed softly on my face. I folded the sleeve on my right arm around an inch and checked my watch. It read: 11:57
I'm three minutes early and I feel quite nostalgic. She's always been earlier to arrive than me. I guess old habits died during the past few months we were apart.
"I wonder what you are thinking."
I regained my composure, abruptly alarmed.
I looked up and the first thing I noticed was her genuine smile albeit the sun was shimmering brightly behind her, making it harder for me to scrutinize her face even clearer. But I took note that she became thinner and she's sort of pale. Or maybe it was just me.
"I'm impressed by the time I realized you're already here," she stated rather calmly, occupying the spacious vacant seat beside me. The bench creaked a little.
My lips almost formed into a smirk.
"Things have changed," I replied none too subtly, taking my gawking eyes off of her.
She just became silent.
"What are you going to tell me?" I tried to sound bored.
She heaved a deep and long sigh before answering.
"Someone told me you were doing the things that we usually do when we were together," she paused to look at me, whilst I turned my head to take a glance from her and mentally cursed after. "And look at you. That's not the Natsume Hyuuga I know."
Her eyes were like glass, delicate and fragile. She's not happy; that I can tell for sure.
For some reason out there, I take it that she was right. Because even though I didn't give a damn about almost everything in the immediate past, I don't torture myself, not like this. Starving myself that if Ruka hadn't visited me, I would have been long dead by now.
After a long moment of silence I said, "I tried."
Out of nowhere, I'm suddenly afraid that she's going to cry, so I jerked my head away. My eyes focused on a far distance ahead of us.
"You want to know?" she suggested like I was aware of the thing she was asking about.
"Want to know what?"
"The reason why I broke up with you," she muttered tiredly, as if in despair.
I caught my breath, suspended in my lungs but I persisted on remaining composed.
I snorted.
"Ruka told you, didn't he?"
That I was not over you.
Everyday, I still took a tour around the book store that I always accompany you to; hoping that you would be there.
Wishfully thinking that you'd come knocking on my door and apologize.
Desperately waiting for your call every day and night.
Missing each single thing we did together. Even if most of them were silly.
From my peripheral vision, I saw that her eyes were on the cemented floor.
"In that way, you'll stop thinking about it. In that way, both of us can move forward." She bit the inside of her cheek; one of her mannerisms whenever she was afraid.
I wanted to tell her that she already moved on but wavered in the last second, all I did was nod.
"Okay then," she beamed a smile at me.
God, I want to hug her.
"Once upon a time, there was this girl—however dense—who lived in a little place on the outskirts of town. She has a bestfriend named Hotaru Imai who studies in a much prestigious academy that only few people could enter. In a somehow not possible circumstance, the girl received an invitation to be able to study in the academy. She felt sudden burst of delight radiating throughout her entire body like some enchanted and magical energy," she animated her stated reactions, as if daydreaming.
"But then, she became astonished as to what reasons lay behind the invitation. She just couldn't believe it. It was surreal. So she came to a conclusion that she should see for herself. Look for the reasons herself. In doing so, she met a gorgeous young man with crimson orbs that tantalized many ladies," she stole a glance on Natsume and snickered widely then continued.
I wanted to say that what she was saying was her life. Her entire life. I don't know why. There must be a reason tied to it, I thought.
"Natsume Hyuuga's the name. At first, he was just another guy on the campus, she couldn't even fathom why so many girls swooned over him. He was distant and showed less than two expression each single day she saw him—she's his seatmate. But when she got to know him deeply, she finally understood his indifference completely and utterly. He began to tease her and make sarcastic names for her like the pattern of her shirt each passing day. He always calls her an idiot, stupid and dense because she cannot learn to solve even the non-comlicated lessons in Mathematics (though he tutored her). Days passed and they start to like each other. The girl denied it at first but then miserably failed in suppressing her emotions. Soon, they became an item. A perfect couple. Their similarities don't meet but that's what made them special and unique among others. They were not boring, always arguing even if what the were fighting about was just some tiniest nonsensical thing. They have their struggles, but they stayed strong. They were Natsume and Mikan, after all. Anything can be solved. Four years passed and their bond was still unbreakable. It was merely just a matter of months till they graduate and go to the University they both applied to." She smiled at him grimly. "Yet, things have changed, for the girl, at least. She woke up feeling dizzy every morning. She ignored it but it became too painful and the throbbing just won't subside. She assured herself it was just another simple headache, nothing bigger. It troubled her again and again that she can take it no longer. So she decided to confess it to her bestfriend, Hotaru. Of course, Hotaru was mad for not telling her the first time it happened but the anger fade into worry. She accompanied the girl to go see a doctor—"
I know she was still talking to me. But I can't bring myself to listen. I just looked at her dubiously, realizing everything she just blurted out. No, no. It can't be true, can it? For God's sake, she's healthy.
"The Doctor said she has a tumour. It's terminal, he announced. He gave her at least a year or two. But—" she took a woeful stare at me.
"You're crying."
My hand reached up to touch my cheek, and there it went, tears trickled down before I even knew it. It was the reason she broke up with me.
I gathered up my courage and pulled myself together.
"Why didn't you... tell me all this?" I stuttered.
"Natsume, you're so silly. I just told you a fairytale that had gone wrong. Don't feel sorry for the girl." She tried her best to sound condescending.
Then it hit me. She accepted it. Her death. I gave her a painful long stare and silence.
"The girl was really happy, you know. When she was with the crimson eyed guy," she assured me.
But that won't change anything.
"The girl stopped taking meds, didn't she?"
I clasped the hem of my shirt tightly that my knuckles turned almost white.
She pouted, "The meds will no longer save her. And if there really is miracle out there, she'll wait."
"But Mikan—"
I stopped crying.
"Don't blame yourself, Natsu." She shook her head and merely shrugged.
"The girl will be so happy if the boy will listen to her."
"Stubborn as ever." I muttered under my breath. I can't do anything now, can I?
She was given possibilities, options, but she chose to ignore them. Maybe the only way to make compromise with her is to just agree.
She smiled bravely once again, like there was nothing she's afraid of. Or maybe, there's really nothing. She faced every obstacle with head up on the clouds.
"Can I ask you a favour?"
My eyebrows go up and instantly said, "As long as it's not letting you die."
She scoffed then chuckled nonetheless. "Silly, of course not."
"What is it then?" I asked calmly, then smiled quite at her.
"You would write our story, would you?"
A laugh escaped my lips. "That's not a favour, that's more like a demand, little girl."
She registered it for a moment then turned back at me, "But you would, right? Our fairytale and everything."
It's so strange, talking to her like this. Like the old times. Saying anything freely, comfortably. It felt so nostalgic.
I smirked at her. "Your wish is my command."
My heart flinched and stirred inside, torn in half.
"But seriously Mikan, what do you want to do?" I stared at my hands.
"Live until the game is over, I guess." Her voice is so low that I barely heard it.
"Your life is not a game, Mikan."
"Sometimes, I think it is. That this is just some stage. We are all performers. And if we don't perform well, we'll have our exits."
I blinked and did not respond.
"Soon, this thing in my head," she gestured at the side of her skull. "will get worse. There's no cure. The doctor said there will be horrible side effects. Like, mood swings, angriness, and sometimes, memories will be warped," she explained.
"I'll take care of you."
"It's not that easy. I'll never be the Mikan you see now, it will change me. My attitude and everything," she argued.
That won't stop me.
"I'm sorry I was hard on you an hour ago. I just—" I trailed off, never knowing words that I have to use.
"Hey, it's okay. I understand your temper." She reached for my hand and held it. I moved closer to her, feeling her limp body. I miss her so much. She's fearless and maybe she can outlast her disease.
"You're really my dauntless girl." I put a hand over her shoulder and she giggled.
"But we'll be just friends. I'm travelling, you know. All around the globe." She murmured softly like music to my ears.
"We can travel together." I squeezed her shoulder gently.
"That would be kind of not-my-plan." She laughed.
"I would be financing you and take care of you."
She played like she was thinking. I smiled at her.
"I'll think about that. But that would be a wonderful offer. Hotaru's been kind of freaky when it comes to money." She made a face.
"But then again, I made a promise to myself. That I wouldn't attach myself to someone."
You already did, I wanted to say but then hesitated.
"I'll visit you and our other friends. Always." She bargained like that would help.
"You're okay with that, right?"
What else can I say?
I only have to agree.
I nodded at her.
She's so beautiful.
I can smell her vanilla chocolate hair.
It's intoxicating.
There's no way I'll get her back. There's no way she'll say yes. I know she still loves me and I know that she know I still love her, too.
Our story was perfect but perfect never exists. There will always be some tragic flaw. One way or another.
If only time would stop. Just like this. This moment right now.
She stood up and smiled brightly.
"Don't be sad, okay? If ever I'm already dead, remember that I'll always be around you. So, don't sulk." She gave me a knowing expression.
"Goodbye, Natsume." She said her last words and it had impact on me oh so greatly.
I was astonished for a moment and then the next, she's gone. I sighed in utter defeat.
She left a mark that cannot be erased. I guess never knowing the reason was the best, after all. But then again, it would leave me hanging. Frozen against time.
"Goodbye, Mikan."
[THE END]
A/N: If there are any typos or grammatical errors, feel free to mention it in your review. I never proofread this because I don't have time so there you go.
How did you find this story? Did you (at least) felt sad? Because I surely did ;A; I've been so kind of 'angsty' these past few days.
Review?