Disclaimer: Not mine!
Warning: This is Arthur/Merlin slash. Don't like, don't read!
Author's note: Well, hello there~! Yea, I know, it's been a while now since I posted anything. To be honest, my college life just started! So, I'm quite busy about it here and there until I didn't even have time to continue writing some of my on-going fan fictions~ But don't worry, I'm trying to finish them up as I speak. So, anyways, the reason for this fan fiction was because I got a request from dear MillaMaxwell12 asking me if I could write a fan fiction based on a picture she saw in in Pinterest. And I guess, I like the picture very much, so much inspiration started from there-tho I don't think I can put links up here. Sigh.
Anyways, I hope you like it, MillaMaxwell12! I tried though since I think it'll be deliciously sweet and complicated if we started off with this~ Hope the rest of you guys will like it as well! Do let me know what you guys thought in the review button! Until the next chappie~ -Krystal
In Pieces
Chapter 1
It happened again, Merlin thought as he lied spent on the bed while the blond-haired man slumped on him with a short huff. It had happened again despite what he told himself right after every end of this. Every single time, he would vow to himself that he wouldn't go back to how they were—that he wouldn't allow himself to get swept away by him.
But as he finally regained his breath, he realised he was only fooling himself. He nudged the taller man above him as he felt his body started to ache from the weight. "Get off," Merlin spoke hushed. The blond-haired man simply did as what he was told and rolled off from Merlin, lying next to him.
Silence rung in the air as Merlin tried to work something in his head. But nothing was moving and he suspected that he was far too deep to retract himself from him. The blond-haired man simply sat up after that before moving out of the bed. He grabbed his clothes as he ran his fingers through his hair.
"I'm going to take a shower first," he said, looking at Merlin. The brunet simply looked away before exhaling out a shaky breath.
"Yeah, okay."
Once the bathroom door closed, Merlin looked at the empty space next to him. It had always been like this. He had always been used like this before he was tossed away—only needed when he was beginning to sound important. Merlin didn't know why he stayed around. He could've upped and left any minute, it wasn't as if he was tied down to him.
But the truth remained that even if he had wanted to leave at one point, his heart backtracked and at the end, he found himself next to him once more. Merlin sat up, propping on his elbows before he pushed himself upwards. He rubbed his face and ran his fingers through his semi-wet hair from the sweat.
He felt used though.
His heart constricted painfully at the thought that he was about to be tossed away once more. His head started to throb in pain and his chest was becoming stuffy. It was getting harder to breathe. Why did he let himself fall hard for this man? Merlin knew that he wouldn't feel the same way. When they did it the first time, the blond-haired man had made it clear that this could only go as far as to physical comfort.
Nothing emotional was to ever enter this equation.
But whenever he touched Merlin, the brunet felt like he was in another world, a world that had softer colours and better views. Merlin fell in love with that world. Now, he was stuck here in the middle of the exit door and to the entrance of that world he loved very much.
He touched his bare chest and wondered if he could last long enough to make it through this. The bathroom door clicked open and Arthur walked out, already dressed in his fresh pair of clothes. He adjusted his vest and ran his fingers through his hair.
"The shower's clear," he said as he walked to the desk near the bed and gathered his things.
"Alright," Merlin spoke, his voice sounded hoarse. Arthur looked at him after he made sure he had everything he needed and placed the money on the desk. With that, Arthur nodded at the brunet and walked out of the room. The door clicked closed, Merlin let out a dry laugh.
Why was he even surprised?
It had started six months ago. But he met Arthur way before this started between them. Merlin had been working for MI5 for three years before he was promoted to work in the weapons engineering department. He had thought that finally he was being recognised for his talents—but at the end, he was just the repairs man.
When he first met Arthur, it was when he came to Merlin asking for his fixed gun. Arthur Pendragon was MI5's number one agent. He was always the best in what he does and he was also whom everyone would fawn over, men or women. He was a walking wet dream, Gwen, his colleague and best friend had told him one day.
Merlin was awestruck at the elegance of that man. It was as if he was seeing a live movie star. But that image was quickly ruined when Arthur opened his goddamn mouth. The insults and snarky replies got to Merlin quick and vice versa, it made Arthur irked whenever Merlin argued back. The brunet wasn't anyone important in MI5. He wasn't a field agent, he wasn't someone tasked to the agent—he was him.
He was the repairs man.
And Arthur was a Pendragon; his father was a number one agent as well before he got killed in action a few years ago. Now, his son was carrying down the legacy. So, when they first met, Arthur threw out an insult about his competency to listen and it started a chain reaction they didn't know could ever happen in a million years.
After that day, Arthur started coming around a lot more. Sometimes he would be there waiting for Merlin to show up or sometimes, he would simply appear out of nowhere, toss the useless machine he had at the moment on his desk and stalk off. Merlin didn't know it was possible to see an agent more than once—but he got to see Arthur almost every day except when he was on missions.
Gwen had told him that it was normal for engineers to meet up with their agents often. Merlin didn't think it applied to him but he decided to take that as a possible explanation. Then, the months flew by and Merlin accidentally started to see Arthur out of work.
They talked, they talked about a lot of things and despite their bickering and insults, they told each other things that nobody else knew about them. And they kept it a secret, holding it dearly to their hearts as if that was what kept them going. Knowing that someone else was just like you was a comfort to the both of them. It forged a string of attachment that couldn't be undone by just sheer insults. It was supposed to be stronger than that.
And one day—the barrier between them broke into something warmer when he caught Arthur looking wrecked up one morning. When Merlin realised it was his mother's death anniversary that day, he didn't rile Arthur up like he used to—but he didn't treat him like something fragile either. Arthur found him again that night while Merlin was working late and asked him about the reason he acted nice to him today.
Merlin simply said, "I lost my father too, Arthur. I know how it feels. But—I can only sympathise. I can't actually help you with the pain."
That night, their co-working boundaries morphed into something else—but Merlin knew now that it wasn't close to friendship, not yet. It was still the beginning of something important in his life because all of a sudden, he had someone he could trust. Arthur proved it over and over again after that day that Merlin could depend on him.
So, he did.
And that security somehow caused them to tumble in between the sheets one day. It just happened. Arthur had been missing for a few days even after the mission was due. There was no news from the infamous agent and everyone was beginning to wonder what had happened to him. He even went off radar.
That was the first time Merlin felt like he was genuinely worried for someone. He somehow couldn't figure out how his days were going to be without Arthur. Well, he knew but those days were always filled with so much insecurity and dullness that when Arthur had waltzed into his world, everything seemed brighter and warmer.
So, when Arthur appeared one month after he was labelled missing, looking all broken and exhausted on Merlin's house porch, Merlin had ushered him inside and took care of him. Then, one thing led to another and somehow, they ended up together under the sheets.
When they woke up the next morning, Merlin tried to hide the panic of losing Arthur for good. But the man simply didn't say anything obstructive. And there was something weird in his eyes when he looked at Merlin. He touched the brunet's cheek and caressed his cheekbone before he leaned in and kissed him again.
Merlin froze under his touch but there was something in his touches that had Merlin reeled in immediately, so he kissed him back, already pushing his fingers through the soft blond hair. Arthur had pushed him down on his back once more before he broke the kiss. "I want you," he whispered to him that day and Merlin felt his heart thundering against his chest.
"You do?"
"Yeah," Arthur said as his right hand started to skim down from his arm to his chest. "I had wanted you since the first time I saw you."
Now, he realised how foolish he had been when he thought it meant something more at that time. At the end, when they started this, he realised it was purely physical. Arthur didn't want to do anything emotional with him. He was only wanted when Arthur wanted to be himself—when he wanted to be real, but later when reality sounded comfortable enough to walk out, the blond would leave him.
It had been six months after that and Merlin tried to keep anything unrelated or emotional away from this. But he kept on failing, every single time Arthur touched him. It was as if he was being emotionally encouraged once more every time Arthur laid his hands all over him. It was as if he was being loved even though he knew it was nothing like that.
Sometimes, it left Merlin mentally drained. Sometimes, the activity itself wasn't exhausting, it was the aftermath. They would always meet up per usual somewhere, anywhere private and one thing would lead to another and just like that, Merlin would be under Arthur's mercy once more.
But the touches were so gentle, it was as if this was going to be the last time and it always hurt Merlin inside. The aftermath had always felt worse when Arthur would get up and leave, as if he was done with this—done with them. Their easy going bickering stopped abruptly, everything natural flew out of the window. By the end of it all, Merlin felt like he was only a body satisfying Arthur's wants.
Once he was done, the brunet was left alone.
He sighed as he got out of the bed and headed to the bathroom, his heart felt heavy in his chest. "I'm such an idiot."
Merlin worked as usual. He got to his work before eight and got himself a cup of hot coffee. Then, he would go to his desk and start working. But today, Merlin felt worn out. He was casted aside once more by the man he fell in love with. He took in a deep breath as he felt the headache started to return.
He looked at the load of work on his table. He didn't feel like working today, he just wanted to drown himself in something, anything that would make him forget about this heartache. It didn't take long for his day to get worse though.
The brunet was walking down the hallways, heading to the cafeteria when he saw Arthur and his group passing by him. But as usual, the blond-haired man didn't see him. There was however a woman next to him, another agent, Merlin deduced. She had a bright smile and a cocky atmosphere around her as she curled her hand on his arm.
The sight of them getting close didn't settle well for Merlin. He continued to walk away from there, his heart once again throbbing against his chest painfully. He knew Arthur was popular; he had always been everyone's dream partner, including Merlin's. The only difference between them and him was that Merlin had gotten close to the blond-haired man.
It was the matter that emotional ache was involved that made this dysfunctional relationship even more fucked up. One day, somewhere down the road, Arthur was going to find someone he could get both this physical comfort and emotional reassurance from and then, he was going to end this between them. That day would be the day Merlin was going to die from within.
He abruptly stopped walking when he realised that maybe—she was going to be reason Arthur was going to stop this. He was going to tell Merlin that he had found someone he loved. He was going to break the brunet from inside and he was going to leave him stranded. Merlin took in a shaky breath as he felt the painful reality squeezing his heart tightly.
He touched his chest gently and patted himself, a bitter smile worked on his lips.
And yet, he was still here, waiting for that day like an obedient dog.
Because he loved him, until the end.
Days passed by and Merlin hadn't seen any signs of Arthur. But it wasn't as if this was the first time he did something like this. He would appear when he wanted to, and usually it led them lying under the sheets. He sighed as he ran his fingers through his hair.
"Hey," Gwen walked up to him, adjusting her lab coat. Merlin looked up from his work and gave her a genuine smile.
"Gwen," Merlin greeted her before he took the cup of coffee which was on the desk and sipped the lukewarm coffee. She smiled at him back.
"You look tired," she said and Merlin looked down on himself before he looked back at her.
"I am," he admitted, rubbing the back of his neck as he continued sipping his coffee. "I haven't gotten any proper rest for a few days now."
"Work, huh," she said, frowning slightly. Merlin knew that it was futile trying to hide anything from her. She always seemed to know what was going on. "Merlin," she started. "Is everything alright?"
"Fine," Merlin said dismissively. He placed the cup on the desk and sat down on his chair. He then leaned back before rolling his neck. The crick at the back of his neck was making him feel uncomfortable. His mind was also starting to feel messed up, jumbled up and disarrayed.
She raised her eyebrows in disbelief. "You're lying," she said as she took a few steps forward, standing right in front of his desk. "Merlin."
"It's nothing," Merlin said as he glanced at her. "I just have a lot on my mind."
She bit her bottom lip before her eyes softened, something like pity making way in her eyes. "Is it about Arthur?"
Merlin visibly flinched at the name. He didn't tell Gwen about their little arrangement. He didn't tell her about how he felt about him. He didn't tell her anything related to him. He didn't want to constantly remind himself about the fact that he would never get more than what he was getting now. He didn't want to drown himself in self-pity and wallow it like an idiot.
He knew what he had to do. He knew it—but why was he still so scared to take a step? Arthur had tied him down like this, with his gentleness, his smile, his laughter, and his dreams—before they started their fucked up relationship, they were beautiful. They were—different. They were new. They were old. They were them.
But now, it was fading into the background. The trust they built in the years they've known each other was breaking apart because of what they had started six months ago. His heart quivered at every touch, his mind went blank at every word and his body responded to every notion.
Why couldn't they be more?
"I don't know what you're talking about, Gwen," Merlin said though his voice was shaky and his eyes were casted down.
"I know, Merlin," Gwen said. The brunet immediately looked at her, his eyes widening. "I know that—you two are inseparable."
"Gwen—"
"And now, it's like you two never even met," she continued, frowning deeper and her eyebrows scrunched deep. "What happened?"
"What do you mean?" Merlin threaded the conversation carefully. He felt slight panic rushing into his body. If Gwen noticed it—who else did? Was Arthur aware of this? She read the panic flashing in his eyes before she sighed.
"I mean," she said. "I'm your best friend, Merlin. I know what's going on with you—I can read you like an open book. Lately, you look like as if someone killed someone or something dear to you and I have a feeling it's Arthur. So, tell me, what's going on?"
Merlin thinned his lips before he stood up and shook his head. "Nothing is going on." And that was the problem.
"Merlin—"
"I can't," he said cutting her off. "I can't tell you, Gwen. I'm not—I can't."
She closed her mouth as she searched his face. After a minute, she dropped her shoulders and nodded. "Fine," she said. Then, she looked at him in the eyes and said, "But remember, Merlin. I'm always here for you."
The brunet gave her a smile despite how he was feeling inside. "I know." But there really was no difference. He couldn't tell her he was sleeping with Arthur and had fallen in love with him along the way. He felt so stupid and wrong inside. He felt like he was messed up from within.
Just where did he go wrong?
"I know."
He had seen Arthur again this time; he was walking past the training arena to the elevator. He had just checked out the conditions of the weapons near the training area (it was his turn this time). He was going through the list of items when the sounds of gun shots stopped him. He turned to his right and noticed it was Arthur, shooting off at the targets with precision—as usual.
Merlin felt the world stopping around him for a second as he stared at how focused the blond-haired man was. It was as if nothing in this world could touch, could push him down, could hurt him and it was as if he was indestructible. Merlin felt a swell of pride in his chest but it was tampered down when he realised he was not alone.
It was that female agent again. Merlin found her face looked familiar and he guessed it would be since she might be one of the best agents as well if she was acting so close to Arthur. Maybe they were acquaintances. Maybe they were working partners. Her bright smile, her glistening eyes and her bottle-shaped figure definitely screamed seduction when she walked close to Arthur, placing a hand on his shoulder gently.
Arthur had turned around to look at her before he grinned wide, pulling down his earmuffs. He pulled his gun from the outstretched stance and placed it on the desk next to him. Merlin watched how they interacted from afar, his heart wilting silently at each gentle swat on his arm and smiles returned. He realised soon that she was winning him from Merlin. Well, that was an incorrect deduction since Arthur never belonged to him in the first place.
Then, she wrapped her arms around Arthur and leaned it, hugging him and the pain shot through Merlin like fire when he saw how Arthur hugged her back. There was no jealousy lingering in his heart, just pain, pure pain and the harsh realisation that he was never going to get what she was experiencing at the moment.
Something in his mind finally stopped working, something in his heart finally snapped, something in him in general decided that what he got so far was enough. He wanted an out from this constant pain and longing, a cure he would not get for this sickness. He looked away from the scene and walked away.
He needed to be able to breathe again without constantly being reminded of his loneliness.
He needed to leave Arthur and move on. The only way to do that was to end this relationship.
Arthur wanted to see him again. It had been two days since Merlin had witnessed the scene when Arthur wanted to see him. There was a message for him on the desk that morning, rattling off an address and the room number. He took the note and stared at it. He made up his mind—tonight, he was going to end it all. It was better than waiting around for Arthur to do it.
It was convincing enough that Arthur had found his rightful match. It hurt though to know that it wasn't him. Merlin felt cheap as he placed the note on the desk and sat down on his chair. His mind was whirling from so many thoughts and his chest felt stuffy from the entire bargain he had to give to receive nothing worthy at the end.
He went to see Arthur nevertheless that night.
He went to the address and it was ironic at how fancy the hotel looked. Obviously Arthur would choose such a fancy place to meet up, it was practically designed in his DNA codes to become a royal prat.
The elevator ride to the floor took a few seconds, but in that few seconds, it was enough for Merlin to muster enough courage so that he wouldn't melt immediately once touched. It was also an impossible feat to accomplish. Arthur was just that gentle, was just that good on making him think about nothing and everything all at once.
He was an enigma that Merlin could never solve.
He rang the doorbell, once and then twice before the door opened. Arthur stood on the other side, wearing his usual tailored suit and smiled at the brunet. Merlin flinched at the kind look and looked away, rubbing the back of his neck as he took a few steps inside. He closed the door and took in a deep breath.
"Hey," Arthur started. Merlin looked at him before returning the smile with one of his crooked ones. A familiar nervousness washed in him as Arthur took a step forward. "It's been a while."
Of course it had been.
"Yeah," Merlin said but his voice held no desire. Arthur looked at him for a second before he took another cautious step forward but this time, Merlin took a step back. The abrupt stop had Merlin thinking twice about his decision. But then—the image of the woman with Arthur had once again strengthened his decision. "Arthur—"
"I want you."
He felt his heart skip a beat as Arthur took another step forward, his right hand now gently caressing his cheek. The words had once again pushed away any coherent thoughts running in Merlin's mind. The brunet closed his eyes at the familiar warmth seeping through his skin. "Arthur," Merlin started again but he couldn't bring himself to say the words. His resolve was shaking once again.
"I'm here," Arthur spoke gently as he took another step forward. His left hand slowly touched Merlin's waist, gripping his fingers around it. It wasn't tight, it was just a gentle touch and it gave much room to the brunet to leave if he didn't want this now.
This kindness was the one that broke apart any shields Merlin had built around his heart.
Merlin kept his eyes closed, but he knew Arthur had lessened the distance between their bodies when he felt the grip around his waist tightened just a tad and the warmth radiating from the taller man's body to his. He could feel Arthur's breath ghosting against his cheek as his right hand caressed his cheekbone. Merlin gingerly placed both of his hands on Arthur's chest.
Before Merlin could push him away, Arthur's right hand had travelled to his chin, nudging him to look. Merlin opened his eyes as he looked at Arthur's blue ones. His breath hitched in his throat when he saw the brightness of those orbs. He felt like crying as he desperately started to hope that it was because of him that Arthur had those bright eyes. "Merlin," he whispered under his breath, the warmth breath rolled down and touched his upper lip.
The brunet shivered as anticipation rolled into the scene. Merlin slowly balled up his fingers into a fist against Arthur's chest. It shouldn't go too far. He had to stop this. "Arthur—"
He didn't have a chance to say much as Arthur leaned in, the grip on his chin tightened. He nudged Merlin's face to meet his and their lips touched, barely, but still touched. Immediately, electricity-like feeling shot down Merlin's spine as he closed his eyes. A quiet whimper made way through his lips before his cheeks reddened.
He heard Arthur chuckling under his breath and then, he felt those warm lips against his. The hand on his waist slowly moved to his lower back and pushed him closer, deeper into Arthur's embrace while the hand on his chin moved down to his jaw, placing his thumb on his cheek and the rest four fingers cradling his face. Merlin kissed him back immediately, trying to get a taste of his lips against his as if he had been deprived.
Merlin's right hand travelled to his neck, feeling the soft skin under his fingers before touching the back of his neck and running his fingers through his soft blond hair. God, how much he missed this even if it had only been a few days. Their lips mashed in a soft yet rhythmic fashion before Arthur licked his bottom lip.
His breath hitched and once again, he hesitated. But he didn't have much of a choice when Arthur pried open his lips with his tongue, diving in once he got access to the hot cavern. Merlin squeezed his eyes shut as his fingers gripped the blond hair into a ball. His left hand travelled to his neck and jaw before curling his fingers around the shape.
He felt Arthur's tongue feeling everything in his mouth as if this was his first time exploring. Merlin started to feel dizzy from the lack of oxygen. At a certain touch, he shuddered a bit and let out a breathless moan, already feeling the first strings of arousal taking place.
"A-Arthur," he whimpered when Arthur finally broke the kiss. He opened his eyes slowly and was frozen in place when he saw the deep lust mixing with something warm in those blue orbs. Arthur's right hand moved back to his hip before his thumb caressed him there.
He didn't know how he looked but something flashed in Arthur's eyes and before he comprehend what was happening, Merlin was pushed against the front door and his lips descended on his again. Merlin closed his eyes and kissed him back frantically, his hands now trying to get a better grip on the blond-haired man. Clutching and grabbing his shoulders and neck, he felt Arthur's right hand leaving his waist and Arthur shedding the brunet from his clothes, unbuttoning his shirt first.
Warning bells went off in Merlin's head but he was slightly incoherent at the reasons as to why this sounded like a bad idea. Breaking the kiss, Arthur finished unbuttoning the brunet's shirt, leaving his skin bare for to be touched. "Perfect," he whispered under his breath and a shade of red trailed down from Merlin's already flushed cheeks to the bottom of his neck.
The technician's eyes widened at the prospect of being adored like that and felt shy. Unsure of what to do, Merlin grabbed the back of Arthur's neck and dragged him into another heated kiss. He could already feel the arousal taking him over, his pants were getting tighter and his chest was fluttering gently. "I want you," Arthur spoke once they broke apart from the kiss.
Merlin nodded weakly at the response, untrusting his voice to speak and moved his hands to Arthur's jacket. He pushed them away from Arthur's shoulders before trying to unbutton the man's shirt. His fingers were shaking badly as Arthur bent down and started to kiss at the corner of his lips, travelling to his cheeks before his lips touched his ears.
The brunet felt like he was on fire, his body responded as it usually did when Arthur touched him like this. He felt slightly irritated that he couldn't unbutton the first button but he guessed how could he when Arthur had his hands roaming on his chest like that. His right hand travelled to his right side of his chest and the light feathery touches felt like spikes to Merlin.
"A-Arthur," Merlin moaned out as Arthur sucked the top of his ear, biting it gently before he blew hot air into them. He knew he sounded broken, sounded raw and everything as to why this sounded like a bad idea flew out of the window the moment Arthur's left hand trailed down to the edges of his jeans.
"Merlin," Arthur mumbled as his lips continued down to the back of his ear, sucking that spot that always made Merlin squirm. The blond haired man pushed his body closer, tighter against Merlin's and started kissing down his neck, reaching his throat. His teeth scraped at some skin before finding the spots that were soft and sensitive enough to get some kind of reaction from the brunet.
Merlin was having a hard time focusing at the task at hand—which was undressing Arthur. His fingers were now shaking badly and at the end, he forgone the task and just started to push the shirt off of him. Arthur pulled away before he eyed Merlin with his heavy-lidded lusted eyes and shook his head gently. He unbuttoned the shirt himself before it fell to the ground with jacket. He then pushed Merlin's shirt as well which was hanging by on his shoulders to the ground, pooling at their feet.
Going back to kissing his neck, Arthur's left hand travelled to his jeans and started to unbutton it. "A-Arthur," Merlin whined a bit when Arthur's right hand started to explore down to his chest, his fingers grazing down to his nipple.
Arthur hummed out a response as if it wasn't affecting him before his lips ended up at the junction between his collar and neck. Then, he sucked at the place where the last hickey way—as if he was trying to renew it. Merlin threw his head back to the door, feeling the pleasure strum through him.
Merlin's own hands didn't stay still as they explored Arthur's chest before his fingers ended up scraping at the hard muscles, moaning under his breath when he felt how hard it was. "I need you," Arthur whispered once more, the hot breath making Merlin stutter.
He didn't know why he said it—"Then have me." But he did and Arthur took that as an invitation.
And they went back at it once more, Merlin forgetting about the real reason he was here. The way the cold and soft sheets felt on his naked skin, the way Arthur's lips felt all over his body and the way he felt so full and needy when Arthur finally took mercy of him and just fucking had him—it all crashed into Merlin so hard that tears started to pool at the edge of his eyes.
"Merlin?" Arthur asked as he huffed out, the pleasure band in both men had long snapped. They were lying on the mess they made and Merlin hadn't realised that the tears had started to run down his eyes to his temples, dripping on the bed sheets. Arthur rolled off him before he propped on his elbow, looking at the brunet in his eyes. "Merlin."
The fogginess he experienced a few hours ago finally lifted and he felt—broken once more. He felt the sob wrecking through him and he decided, he really couldn't do this anymore. He closed his eyes and took in a deep breath, biting his inner cheek along the way. Arthur touched his cheek and caressed it, his face now inches away from his as he looked down on the brunet. "Merlin—"
Opening his eyes to meet the blue ones, he felt like someone stole his last breath. Arthur looked magnificent, the way he looked flushed, his hair disarrayed, his lips all swollen—he was a sight. But the dread washed into him when he realised he would never have him as how he wanted and shook his head. "I can't."
That one line had Arthur frozen. His fingers stopped caressing the skin and Arthur furrowed his eyebrows. "Can't—"
"I can't," Merlin whispered as he closed his eyes once more and looked away. He couldn't look at Arthur. If he did, he would give up all over again and he couldn't—he couldn't go through this again. He couldn't be treated like this and then ignored the next. No, Merlin was done. "I can't do this anymore."
He opened his eyes and looked at Arthur. There, he saw something flashing in Arthur's eyes. "What?" Arthur asked as he sat up. Merlin followed him as he took in a deep breath. He rubbed his face before he looked away.
"I can't," Merlin repeated. "I—I can't keep on doing this with you, Arthur. I can't—I don't want to do this anymore."
Arthur remained quiet before he ran his fingers through his hair frustrated. "Why—I thought," he said but the stunned silence spoke volumes. "I thought we were fine."
"Fine?" Merlin asked, feeling something dark pooling at the pit of his stomach. "Fine? No, Arthur, we were never fine!" He pushed aside the bedsheet and got out of bed, already searching for his clothes. Arthur looked at him before he got out of the bed as well, already looking for his boxers. "We weren't—we were never…"
Merlin stopped moving, half-dressed as he took in a shaky breath. He felt the tears once again gathering at the edge of his eyes. "Merlin," Arthur began as he walked up to the brunet. "Merlin, what's wrong?"
"Nothing," Merlin said as he looked at Arthur in the eyes. "And that's what's wrong, Arthur. I—I can't keep on doing this only for it to mean nothing at the end!"
"What do you mean nothing?" Arthur asked, this time he looked irritated. His confusion melted away to the background and irritation filled in his eyes. "Who said this meant nothing?"
"Are you serious?" Merlin asked, his stare narrowed sharp. "Are you fucking kidding me, Arthur? Don't act like that!"
"Act like what?" Arthur asked, his voice rising. "I don't understand what's going on, Merlin. So instead of acting like an emotional girl, talk to me!"
"The problem is," Merlin bit out bitterly. "Is that you don't know what this does to me. Why—why did we have to do this? It's not—we shouldn't have done this. You shouldn't have touched me. I shouldn't have let you!"
Arthur immediately grabbed his shoulders and shook him a bit, his lips thinned and made into a frown. "What the fuck is your problem?"
"You are," Merlin said finally. "I can't, Arthur, for you to touch me like this, to make me feel important and then—then you leave. You leave, you push me aside like I'm—I can't. I—I can't."
The grip around his shoulders lessened. Silence rung through between them before Arthur's eyes widened. "Merlin," he started. "Are you in love with me?"
Merlin chuckled dryly, rubbing his face before slapping Arthur's hand from him. "Yeah," he said, deciding that it was better this way. "I am. I—I'm in love with you. I'm in love with you, Arthur. So, I can't do this. I can't have you touching me like this, raising my hopes up only for me to find out that I'm used again."
Arthur frowned deeper. "Don't," he started. "Don't make it sound as if I pushed this on you! You agreed, you agreed, Merlin. This was consensual."
"And it still is!" Merlin agreed. "But after this point, it won't anymore. You don't love me, Arthur. Not like how I do. So, please, let me go."
Arthur remained quiet. Merlin didn't wait for him to respond as he gathered his shirt and walked past him. He felt like someone had broken his heart into two pieces. As he walked out of the door, he realised he left the second piece back in there. But he didn't turn around to get it back, he just continued walking away.
Something in him sunk to the ground.
But it was for the best.