Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach, and I am making no profit from this story.

Author's Notes: Ahhhh the fruits of my labours come to fruitition... I started this story just a few days before National Novel Writing Month started, and halfway through November I decided to switch to writing this instead of the idea I'd been working on. Thirty-three thousand words joined the 20k of the other story and I had a half-completed novel. This is cobbled together from various movies I've seen, books I've read, some things that just sounded good or appropriate, and very careful dissection of Bleach itself ;) (In other words, I spent too much time reading Bleach when I should have been working on the novel...)

This is an AU where Hisana did not die before Rukia was adopted into the Kuchiki family. Spoilers for the manga (all chapters, just to be safe), anime at least until 64-ish (I am not current on the episodes). Pairings of Byakuya/Hisana, eventual Byakuya/Rukia, mentions of other pairings in much later chapters. And it's gonna be LONG. At least 50K in word count. I hope you enjoy it. Please feel free to leave reviews of any kind. (CC is welcome to be brutal!)

Thanks to Haritori for the initial beta, and all the people who've supported my insane novelling endeavour for the fifth year, and anyone who's had to listen to me fangirl over Bleach lately. I promise the notes will be shorter next time.

Raison d'etre

(Reason for being)

Chapter 1

Life in the Seireitei was said to be better than anything in Rukongai. Rukia believed this most wholeheartedly, and compared to life in Inuzuri, it simply had to be true. She'd even met a shinigami once, who'd treated her most kindly when she fell over at his feet, gripped by the strangest feeling of weakness she'd ever felt in her whole life. Then all of her friends had slowly died, all but Renji, and as she stood on the hill where they'd built memorial graves for the only family they had ever known, she said those immortal words.

"Let's become Shinigami."

Renji, bless his stupid heart, had agreed.

It took them a few months to get up the requirements to even apply, and thankfully, they had both passed. It occurred to her later that one or both of them might have been denied entrance, and then they would have had to return to Inuzuri. It didn't seem likely at the time; they were both competent at making a ball of spiritual energy that had never failed to impress their friends, how could they be turned away? But she had seen others around her being sent home, before she was approved for entrance. It had been the single happiest moment of her life, next to finding the boys who'd become her family.

Life in the academy was not all it seemed. She had only heard stories about the Seireitei itself, and nothing else. They said that no one went hungry there. And while that was certainly true, the life of a student was a hard one to adjust to. She and Renji had both quickly learned what their place in the pecking order of the academy was. Students from Rukongai were not as common as they might have thought, and they had to fight for their places among the sons and daughters of the noble families.

To make it worse, they couldn't even read. They spent hours studying together just to be able to keep up, and Rukia was very reluctant to reveal to the other girls in her dorm that she couldn't read. It hadn't been a necessity of life to be able to read while simply existing in the dusty streets of Inuzuri. There was one other girl in the dorms from the Rukongai, from the south 47th district, who also couldn't read, and when the noble girls found out, they teased her mercilessly, and not in a friendly way, either. She took care not to let that fact get out to them. Thankfully, reading came easily to her, and before long, she was completely caught up.

She found that she could not get along with the other girls. Renji had made several friends among the boys, and she wished she could easily join their ranks. She felt more comfortable around boys. One particularly annoying girl with a big attitude and a scathing (but not witty) manner about her had tried to intimidate Rukia, and had quickly learned that the petite girl could not be intimidated. She'd earned a month of detention for that, and the threat of expulsion on the next such incident kept her in line. The other girls could have made an issue about that, but thankfully, they now left her alone. The downside was, she had no friends at all, except Renji.

And as their first year progressed, Renji was getting ahead of her in leaps and bounds. It was depressing, almost, the way he was outstripping her. But it also gave her the incentive she needed to keep up with her studies, and try her hardest. Her studies were going well for all the effort she put into them.

But she still wasn't completely happy here. It was nothing like she had imagined. And yet, she couldn't give up and go back to Inuzuri. She had sacrificed a lot to come here, even if it didn't look like it, and there was just no way she could go back. Not anymore. Especially not if Renji was staying here. She would prove them wrong. She would make it.

It was about a year after they'd joined the academy. Renji was getting to do all sorts of fun things as part of his class, and she was stuck doing the same old boring things she'd always done. The past year of alienation, isolation and deliberate exclusion by the other girls was beginning to wear her down, and it was a fight every day to tell herself that she would succeed. For someone who'd grown up believing only in herself, and relying only on herself, having to fight for what she wanted to succeed at more than anything was tiring. It wasn't just mere survival anymore. It was pride.

But despite it all, she was still enjoying learning new skills. She would prove herself. No one would have cause to deny her right to be full member of the Seireitei.

On this particular day, Rukia was staring out a window over-looking the courtyard, watching the students below engaging in various activities. She was a bit wistful as she watched; amongst them was her old friend, Renji, and to say she didn't envy him would have been a lie. They had entered the academy at the same time, and at the time, she had been the better student. But once they were in, Renji quickly outstripped her, especially in swordsmanship, which was what she was working on right now. True, she was better at kidou and foot-work than he was, but that didn't matter –

A light ahem at her shoulder drew her attention away from the courtyard, to find a young man dressed in the livery of one of the noble houses – which one, she wasn't sure, but she knew she'd seen it around – standing at a respectful distance from her, clearly waiting for her attention. He gave a short bow upon realizing she had given it, while she looked around to see if he could possibly be waiting for someone else. But there was no else near her, except for curious onlookers.

"Miss Rukia," he said as he straightened, looking past her shoulder. "You are formally invited to the Kuchiki house this Saturday afternoon for tea." He bowed smartly again, presenting her with an envelope emblazoned with a plum blossom.

She reached out to take it automatically, completely dumbfounded. A messenger from the Kuchiki family? Why, that didn't make sense. What could she possibly have done to draw their attention to her?

"May I return with a favorable reply?" the messenger asked then, once again upright and not looking at her.

"Ah – Yes –" she stammered. Refusing hadn't even crossed her mind.

"Thank you for your time," the young man said, bowing a third time before turning and walking away.

Rukia looked down at the envelope in her hands, staring at the paper almost as if it was someone else's hands that held it. The students around her started chattering amongst themselves, mostly in hushed whispers, their eyes focused on her and the note she held. Quickly, she stuffed it into her sleeve and turned down the hall, hurrying away. She wanted to stash it away in her dorm before anyone could question her about it. Her mind tumbled over the short conversation over and over again, confused about many of the details. Why had they come looking for her? And why had she even agreed?

She never made it to the dorm, as the students who'd been in the courtyard were done, and filing back into the academy in pairs and threes. Renji's height and brilliant ruby-red hair made him easy to see over the heads of everyone around him, and her feet changed direction once she spotted him in order to intercept him.

"Oi, Rukia!" he said with a grin, spotting her diminutive form amidst the familiar backs of his fellow classmates. The grin quickly faded when he saw her serious face, moving to meet her halfway with something that might have resembled concern. It was unlike her to look so serious. "Hey, what's up?" he asked when he caught up with her.

She didn't look up at him as she might have done, under normal circumstances. "Not here," was all she said.

He was confused for a moment. "Rukia..."

"You had lunch yet?" she interrupted anything he might have said.

"Uh – no –"

"Good." She looked up at him with an unreadable gaze. "The usual place." She pushed past him and was gone before he could even ask why.

The usual place was underneath a twisted cherry tree on the edge of the academy grounds, where few students ever went during lunch. They'd spent many lunches there in the early days, before they'd made any friends, just the two of them. Rukia still went there most days, often climbing high into the tree's branches to eat her lunch in peace. Renji rarely joined her anymore. She had tried to eat lunch with him and his friends, but despite their similar backgrounds and her friendship with Renji, it just hadn't worked out. She preferred eating alone.

She was out there first, unopened lunch set before her as she knelt on the neatly trimmed grass, staring off into space. Renji made his approach very obvious, but she remained oblivious. He stood over her for a moment, and when she didn't acknowledge him, he nudged her in the side with his foot. She fell over, loudly exclaiming her surprise as she hit the ground. "You could warn a person!" she said, rather rudely, glaring up at him.

He rolled his eyes at her, getting down onto his knees and opening his lunch. "I only walked across the lawn like I owned the place," he said, also with a rude edge to his words. Neither felt the need to stand on formality with the other, and they usually dropped the polite words they used in front of the other students. "It's not my fault you weren't paying attention. What's with you today anyway? You're acting weird."

He may have meant the words teasingly, but the humor – if there was any – was lost on her. He pretended not to notice her silence, digging into his lunch with fervor.

When she spoke again, it was to describe the messenger and the letter. Renji's eyes nearly fell out of his head before she'd even finished. He certainly choked on the water he was drinking. "What?" he sputtered, once he was finished coughing.

She was too unsettled to be annoyed, and rather than repeat herself, she drew the envelope out of her sleeve and handed it to him. He took it from her gingerly, almost as if he expected it to burst into flames, and turned it over a few times. "May I?" he asked, a somewhat rare show of courtesy.

She merely nodded, not trusting her voice.

He removed the folded piece of paper from inside, opening it and reading. Again. And again. And a fourth time. Eyes scanning the crisp strokes yet again, he asked, "Are you going?"

"I have to," she replied, weakly. "I already said yes."

Renji whistled under his breath. He refolded the note gingerly and slid it back into the envelope, handing it back to her. "That's... really unexpected," he said.

She nodded, not trusting her voice. He really had no idea.

"Well, if you're already going, at least let me walk you there," he said, somewhat gruffly. More like his usual self. He lifted his chin to a near-arrogant angle, daring her to challenge him. But she had no intention of doing so, and just staring at the ground. There was no fun in being intimidating if the person didn't react, even for fun, so he dropped the act. "Rukia... you can still say no," he said, softly.

She looked up at him, shaking her head. "No... it would be terribly bad manners when I already agreed. But I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous..."

They sat in uncomfortable silence for a couple moments, when Rukia seemed to come back to herself, pushing Renji over with a punch to his shoulder. "Don't worry about me, you big oaf!" she said, loudly. As if anyone was nearby to even hear. "You just watch out for yourself, I'm going to kick your ass at everything."

Renji picked himself up from the ground, glaring at her. "I'll take that bet," he growled. Rukia merely stuck her tongue out at him. "Loser has to do chores for a year!"

"Deal!" She spat in her hand and stuck it out; he mimicked the motion and they clasped their hands together, sealing the deal.

Saturday arrived, and Rukia's stomach was in knots. Finished with her classes for the morning, she stopped by the bathhouse to quickly run some water over her face and through her hair to freshen up a little. The day didn't seem real. She half-wished she would wake up, and find it all to be a dream.

But nothing changed, and she changed out of her uniform and into the best yukata she owned, fussing with the hemline and hoping the worn spots were adequately covered. She preferred the higher hemlines of her Rukongai days, but they were not appropriate for the Seireitei, never mind tea with a noble family. She ran her hands over her hair, and smoothed down the front of her yukata even though it hadn't moved. Her obi was tied in a simple butterfly knot, firmly at the small of her back. Tea would be soon. She ought to go.

Renji was waiting for her outside. He walked her as far as the gates of the family's house, making inane conversation. She couldn't remember a single thing that they talked about. Once there, he wordlessly, he clasped a hand on her shoulder, fingers tightening there for a brief moment. He could go no further. Rukia stared straight ahead, willing some of Renji's strength into herself. Gathering her courage, she mentally thanked him for his support, her arm rising to place her hand over his, indicating her readiness. She was sure she would never be ready, and almost wanted him not to let her go. But he did, his apprehension palatable. She took a deep breath, steeling herself and stepping forward.

It was kind of funny to think that she was scared, but she was. Gone was the tough street rat from Inuzuri. Getting into the academy was a huge achievement, one she was very glad her and Renji had tried for, an done that seemed to have crowned her whole life and left nothing that could eclipse it. The front of the house was as unassuming as any building in Inuzuri, except for being a lot cleaner and in much better repair. And it was enormous. The wall stretched out for a good fifty paces on either side of the wooden door set into the side of it. She lifted her hand timidly to rap against the solid surface, only to get a good two taps in before it was opened by a young woman in a plain yukata, her hair tied back in a simple bun, and her gaze lowered to the floor. "Good afternoon, Rukia-sama," the maid said, bowing deeply. She felt even more uncomfortable at the honorific and deference being shown to her. She was not worthy of it. The maid stepped back, allowing her to enter the small foyer, where she paused to remove her sandals. The maid stepped up into the house proper, and waited on one side. "Please, follow me."

Rukia slipped her feet into the slippers waiting at the top of the single step. The maid waited until she was ready, and then led the way down the tatami-covered hallway. They passed several rooms and more than one display of art, and it was hard to know where to look.

Finally, they reached a closed door. The maid stopped and knelt, sliding the door open. "In here, please," she said politely, bowing where she knelt and resting there with her head down. Rukia felt so uncomfortable and out of place, and didn't know if she should thank the maid on her way in. She stuttered a reply of some sort of thanks, feeling the need to say something, and stepped into the room.

"Please have a seat," the maid said from the doorway, rising to her feet. "I will inform the lord and lady that you have arrived." The door was slid shut, leaving her alone.

The room was small, being only maybe a dozen tatami mats in area. A small table sat in the middle, with a white cushion on one side and a pair of white cushions on the other. Against one wall sat a low table with a dried flower arrangement on it, and on the wall above it was a beautiful watercolor painting.

She assumed the double cushion was for the lord and lady – somehow, she hadn't thought she was going to meet the head of the family, and the idea of it made her stomach twist in nervousness – so she folded herself delicately onto the single cushion, hands clenched tightly together in her lap. She hoped that the tension caused by the clenching wasn't visible.

The door on the far side of the room slid open, seeming noisy in the quiet room, and causing Rukia to start. Her head snapped around, blinking. Was the meeting about to commence? Behind the paper-paneled door was a tall man in a dark kimono, dark hair bound up into three rows of white kenseikan, standing next to a diminutive woman in layers of kimono that seemed to be made of colors found only in flowers. Rukia couldn't help but stare at them – her eyes were initially drawn to the man, who'd appeared in the doorway first. He had an unreadable and serious expression, and eyes that seemed to stare right through anything they rested on. So intense was his gaze, as his eyes rested on her very briefly, that she didn't really notice the woman at his side until he looked at her. Rukia looked at her then as well, feeling her breath stop in her throat. It was almost like looking in a mirror, she thought, knowing her own reflection rather well, and this woman, though slightly older than she, was nearly a twin. Was such a thing possible? Rukia had no idea, and her mind could come up with no explanation.

She seemed dwarfed not only by the man at her side, but by the kimono itself. It was especially apparent when the man took her arm gently and led her into the room, her tiny, delicate steps belying the bulk of her clothing. Perhaps she was cold? Rukia was aware of her heart pounding in her ears, her thoughts running away a mile a minute. Both of them moved with a quiet, effortless grace, even as the woman knelt first, the man following suit. Rukia's eyes darted between them, at a complete loss as to what to say or do.

The man merely sat where he was, eyes closed (or simply lowered enough to appear closed), while the woman met Rukia's eyes with a shy determination. "Rukia..." Her voice was much higher in pitch than Rukia's, throwing out the vague notion of a clone. "It is a great pleasure to meet you. Thank you for coming."

"It was my pleasure," Rukia replied, unsure of the appropriateness of the response. "Thank you for inviting me."

The woman spoke again, glancing at the man next to her briefly. "Well, you must be wondering why you were invited here," she started, and Rukia resisted the urge to burst out with a nervous "yes!", instead limiting her response to a simple nod. "Well, first, let me introduce myself and my husband." She inclined her head, lowering her gaze briefly. "This is my husband, Byakuya-sama, and my name is Hisana."

Ohhh, she did remember Kuchiki Byakuya, and wondered why the name had never clicked in her mind after receiving the invitation. She had never seen him, only heard his name spoken amongst some of the older students and teachers. He was the youngest Kuchiki head, and the most powerful shinigami the family had ever produced. Some said that he was sure to take over the head of the Gotei 13 when the old man currently in charge either retired or died, but that theory was not terribly popular. She glanced at him in a kind of fear; he was still sitting there with his eyes closed. "I-it's nice to meet you," she stammered, bowing at the waist as far as she could, head nearly touching the table. She nearly introduced herself, catching herself before she could. They already knew her name.

A soft knock at the door announced the presence of a pair of maids, who bustled into the room with a tray of tea, which they set on the table, poured three cups and set in front of each of them with efficiency, and then removed themselves from the room. The man – Kuchiki-sama, she reminded herself – took his cup without looking at it, sipping at the steaming contents with a delicateness that Renji would never, ever display. Hisana merely cupped her hands around the hot ceramic cup, and Rukia was left to wonder which of the two she should do herself. She decided to sip it; her throat felt very dry.

"Rukia, I would like to ask you some questions," Hisana said, her hands tightening around the cup. She seemed nervous. "But I want you to know that you have the freedom to not answer any of them, if you wish. I am... very curious about you."

"Alright," she agreed, replacing the cup on the table, and clutching her hands together back in her lap.

The other woman let out a long breath in a kind of heavy sigh; Kuchiki-sama turned his head to look at her, his hand traveling beneath the table to hold onto hers – or so Rukia assumed; she only saw his head and arm move. Hisana glanced up at him, smiling bravely. Rukia had no idea what kind of person this little woman thought she was, to be so scared of her – she was just another student at the academy, and a rather poor one at that; a street rat from Rukongai with half-bit talent, if she were to believe anything the children of the Seireitei had to say about her.

Hisana asked her about her childhood, if she remembered anything about anyone who may have protected her when she was very young, but Rukia could only remember an old woman who had several young children under her care, and her using her cane to protect them on more than one occasion. The children had eventually wandered out on their own, especially once the old woman died, and Rukia had never seen any of them again. She had joined up with a slum of a house filled with children of various ages, all of whom formed a kind of pack, and they would take turns going out and stealing water or food, whatever was needed. They were all souls, and as such they didn't feel hunger or thirst the way they would have had they been alive, but they still liked to eat and drink. And of course, the adults were hardly better than the children. But no, she didn't remember anyone other than the old woman, and she had been alone all of her life. At least, until she'd met Renji and his friends. They'd been like a family really, but all but herself and Renji had been claimed by disease or injury, and that's why they'd decided to come to the academy. It was the easiest and safest way out of Rukongai.

She stopped talking, realizing she had been rambling on about nothing in particular that was only partially related to her question, and apologized quickly with another bow. She hoped that it would not be seen as a black mark of any kind in this... very odd interview.

Hisana still had not touched her tea, staring into the clear liquid with a sad expression. Silence hung between them for several moments, thick and awkward. Rukia wanted to continue on, or say something, but there was nothing more to be said, really. So she had to wait.

Hisana seemed to come to herself, looking up from the tea with a smile. "The reason I ask, Rukia, is because I know how you came to Inuzuri. You may not believe me, and I am not asking or expecting you to do so." She took a deep breath, the smile becoming shaky. "The reason I know is because I am from Inuzuri. I was killed in the living world a hundred years ago, along with my infant sister, in an earthquake. Not long after arriving there, I found it too difficult to live while taking care of someone else as well as myself, and so I abandoned her in order to ensure my own survival. And my sister's name... is Rukia."