Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.
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My, who's that I see over there? Where? You know, just outside one Karakura High School, everybody's favorite generic Japanese High School. He has orange hair, a generic and grey high school uniform, is pretty tall for his age, and a scowl on his face that makes it difficult to believe he's only fifteen or sixteen years old. But, today, that scowl looks more like a grimace.
...Know who it is yet? I know, you probably figured it out after the orange hair bit but, yes, it's Ichigo Kurosaki, Substitute Soul Reaper Extraordinaire!
Hey, Ichigo, how's it going this lovely summer day?
"...The hell?!" he shouted at me. Such foul language for one so young. Has something been bothering this lad? I have no idea whatever it could be. "Who the hell just spoke?!"
It's me, the Narrator.
"Oh. You again. Go away. I'm pissed off."
Actually, I don't believe we've met before...What's gotten you so pissy? Trouble with your lady friend, per chance? Nudge nudge, wink wink.
The man turned red. So obvious, he was. "Dammit, it's not like that between me and Rukia!"
Oh, who said anything about Rukia? Ding!
"...You know what, just go to hell!"
Now, now, settle down, Ichigo. What happened between you and Rukia?
"Nothing! Everything's going just fine between us!"
I bet it is, you sly dog.
"Fuck! Stop that!"
Only once you tell what you two are fighting about.
"Like I said, nothing! I'm angry about Aizen...! Shit."
Aizen? I didn't know you were into...
"I'm not into whatever the hell you were going to say! What kind of horribly perverted Narrator are you?!"
A good one, I'd say, since I just forced you to reveal your problem. Strange, though it may be that you like...
"God dammit! I don't like whatever's giving you that sick grin! I'm furious at Aizen because he's so damn broken!"
...Broken? What do you mean? He can't get it up for you?
"Seriously, fuck! That's sick! No, I'm talking about how it's impossible to beat him in a...stop laughing at that...! How I can't, let me rephrase this, win in a fight against him because he was written to be so much stronger than everybody else in the series!"
Yes, heh heh...sorry, that one sentence is still making me chuckle...Yes, that could be a serious dilemma. Want to tell me about it?
"Hell no!" His answer sounds absolute. Well, nothing I can't handle. I'm an expert at manipulating, you see. "You'll just pervert everything I say!"
I wouldn't dare.
"You're thinking of new ways to do that right now!"
No, I'm not.
"Yes, you are!"
What are you, a mind reader? No, I didn't think so.
"...I think you might be worse than Aizen and that's saying something."
That's impossible, I can assure you. Anyways, I promise I'll leave once you tell your tale involving Aizen. After all, the story will be over then and I'll be forced to disappear forever. Your troubles will end and we will move on with life. No one shall torment you.
"...Really?"
Really.
"Deal. I'm getting this over with right now!"
About time.
"Shut up!" he screamed. "You're lucky you're a disembodied voice or else I'd kick your disembodied ass!" He really was high-strung. "Now, this story begins a few months ago..."
---
I was young back then...relatively speaking...and I believed I could beat...defeat...any man in a fight. Okay, I did lose frequently, but I always came back and gave that sucker his due...with interest added.
So, after what felt like years of trial and tribulation, when I finally reached Aizen for the big showdown, needless to say, I was pretty damn confident only one of us was going to leave the room in one piece. Like, how could I not win? Prior, I'd had about a million power ups and had transcended Shinigami to become virtually a new existence. Compared to my growth, Aizen should have been a total pussy. A girl with a lollipop for me to snatch at my will!
As a result, I was in for one rude surprise. The true cheapness of the former Captain had yet to dawn on me.
A pile of corpses around me then, Aizen at last spoke to me. "I honestly did not expect you to get this far, boy."
Yeah. That's what I expected him to say. This was all going to script very well.
"Aizen!" I roared in pure shounen fashion. Hey, I was a boy so it was all right! "You went too far when you murdered Chad! You'll pay for what you did!"
...At least, I think that's what I said. He might have killed somebody else; I forget. Bottom line, I was angry and ready to kill for the first time in five hundred chapters.
He laughed at me, in response. "Stupid boy. It doesn't matter how many of my Espada you've defeated before me." I had defeated almost all of them, so I was kind of freaked out by that line...though I didn't admit it. "The train stops here. This is the last stop. My new world will be birthed in glorious fashion!"
Pretty typical supervillain dialogue. The kind that really stirs up a superhero like me into action. All was going well. Yep.
"Aizen!" I roared again. Sure, I sounded like a broken record, but the point wasn't what I said but the emotion I felt when I said it and how loudly I expressed it. And that emotion was vengeance!
My emotional vengeance strong, I rushed at him.
I didn't pull any punches, either. Oh, no! I activated my Bankai Level Three and my Super Vizard mode at the same time, despite the combination of those powers being so dangerous that the plot earlier said it would kill me in the process. I didn't care that it meant I was supposed to die. The heroes in action stories always get saved by some bullshit explanation at the end of the day, and I expected illogic to hold true for me, too.
Thus, using my full power, Aizen surely did not stand a chance against me and I delivered a dramatic blow into the heart of his chest: his heart. No smoke screens. No odd angles to hide what I did. It was certain he was going to die...after his death speech, of course.
It started off well. "Damn, boy...! To you...Me, lose?! How can this be?! Impossible! I don't believe it! This can't be!" Music to my ears, his classic defeated lines were. In the meantime, I posed all cool and pretended I wasn't ravishing the moment. "The future I wanted...it can't be gone now...!"
Yup, yup. "It's over, Aizen. Face it!" Badass, I was. Wouldn't you agree?
Very fine and dandy this was.
...But then Aizen fucked it up!
"Noooo!" he shrieked, his face in bloody agony one second...then, suddenly, he looked perfectly fine. No wounds, nothing. Just that same cocky grin. "...That's what you want me to say...right?"
Huh?
I was shocked. "Aren't you...supposed to die, now?"
"How can I die when you're trying to stick that fish inside me?" he asked.
What a stupid question, I thought, until I looked down and saw I was holding a floppy fish in my hand...not my Zanpakatou. And he wasn't being stabbed, either.
What the fuck?!
"Ah!" And I dropped it. The fish bounced around on the ground, mocking me.
Then, Aizen called out to everybody. "Hey, all, look at Ichigo Kurosaki!" A spotlight turned on me, and a dark crowd filled with faces I knew, loved, and hated surrounded me. "Look how Ichigo Kurosaki tried to defeate the villain with a fish! How stupid this hero is!"
The crowd laughed, and laughed, and laughed. At me, Mr. Bigshot. Inoue, Ishida, Chad, my dad (no surprise, there), my sisters, my enemies I previously vanquished. Even...Rukia! They all stood in a circle and pointed at me, laughing!
Embarrassed, I think I went crimson. That only upped their crazed stupor.
"Yes. Laugh. Laugh. Laugh, and laugh at Kurosaki!" Aizen conducted his insane stage, using that fish I dropped. I have no idea when he picked it up, but the crowd reached a fever pitch.
Soon enough, I realized this could not possibly be real. Aizen created illusions. This had to be a cruel fantasy!
Still, I couldn't handle this kind of abuse. "Damn you, Aizen! Stop this nonsense! Fight me, you coward!"
"So be it," he snapped his fingers. The crowd, spotlight, it all vanished. Leaving me only with his voice. "I'll stop all the hypnosis and you can start at the beginning."
Beginning...? I wondered what he what was talking about, alone in the darkness.
Then I woke.
I was in my room. Felt all fine and dandy.
"...What?" I didn't understand. I should have been in Hueco Mundo. And there was a strange, unwanted presence in my room. "This reiatsu, it's..."
A fluttering came from my window, then.
"From Inoue Orihime, most likely." A familiar voice. A familiar reply. "Come with me right away, Kurosaki. It's an emergency."
Hitsugaya. Repeating the words from that day...that day before we all...
Oh, shit.
Distant aughter taunted my ear drums.
---
So, he sent you back before the Hueco Mundo arc began?
"Yeah! That bastard! My first journey to Hueco Mundo turned out to be nothing more than a nightmare! All those chapters...pointless. What kind of terrible Deus ex machina is that?! Fuck, it makes me so angry! And then, he-"
...That's kind of pathetic, you know.
"Shut up! Do you have any idea what that did to my psyche?! It's not easy to build a conceited view of yourself like I had! And that Aizen bastard ruined it instantly."
Ichigo Kurosaki...Substitute Soul Reaper...Yes, him, truly did seem to be troubled by his second encounter with Aizen. Furthermore, it would seem that the battle revealed how much of a loser this protagonist really was. Sad. Aizen is much cooler than he is.
"Hey! I can hear that!"
Ichigo Kurosaki...Substiute Soul Reaper...Yes, it seemed he had the unique power to hear a Narrator talking, even when he shouldn't have been barging in on my soliloquy. It would seem he just revealed what a douchebag he was. I'm surprised he got any action from any girl, much less from a fine ass like Rukia's. Sad. Aizen is much cooler than he is.
"You son of a bitch! Stop doing that! I get plenty of action from Rukia's fine ass and she likes it!"
"You won't be getting any more for a long time, Ichigo!"
Gasp!
As Ichigo stutters and acts foolish and a round of bickering begins, it's clear who just entered the scene. Yes, it is Rukia herself! And yes, you can bet Ichigo will not be getting any more ass for a long time because she is very...very...very, very upset with him.
"Who just said that?!" Wary, she takes a break from beating on Ichigo and shouts out, much like her boytoy did not long ago.
Before I can respond, a bruised and battered man does. "That's just the Narrator, Rukia...Ignore him..." How rude.
"Narrator? Since when did we have one of those?"
Since I made myself known, Missy. Get used to it.
"Tch...Fine." Wow, that was an easy person to convince. Kind of a let down for me, really. "So, what are you doing here, anyways?"
I was speaking with your man because he looked all pouty and pathetic. Then, on his own accord, he started bitching to me about Aizen. It was a really stupid story, really.
A protest. "Hey, you made me-"
"Tell me about it!" Rukia interrupted Ichigo. Sudden and saucy development. "All night, he's always whining to me about," her voice dropped an octave, "'Oh, I could have been a hero if it weren't for Aizen's cheapness.' or 'I could have been somebody. I coulda been a contender.' It gets on my nerves, sometimes!" She turned to Ichigo, who looked completely helpless in her palm. "Be a man, already! Stand up to Aizen!"
Yes, Ichigo, be a man. Don't be so upset because Aizen tricked you once.
"That's not true!" Ichigo burst out. What he claimed was not true was uncertain, since it looked as though he had been itching to speak out for some time. "Aizen didn't trick me just once! There's more to this story! Let me go on!"
Rukia rolled her eyes at him...So did I...sort of.
"Yeah, so after that incident, I-"
"Here we go again."
Ichigo cleared his throat and glared at Rukia. "As I was saying..."
---
Things weren't over between me and Aizen, not by a long shot. In fact, thanks to his cheating, things were just beginning. Literally. Shit!
Before the first encounter, I honestly can say I didn't really care about Aizen. Sure, he was evil and all...but he hadn't done much that was technically wrong, in my opinion. He made a fool of Soul Society and threatened Rukia, yet I didn't mind since I hate Soul Society and Rukia wasn't really hurt so no harm no foul. Now, what that bastard Grimmjow did to Rukia was unforgivable, curse him...!
I'm getting off topic here, aren't I?
Yeah, so I never hated Aizen much. The only reason I went to take him down was because it's what was expected of me, the hero. I wasted Gin, with great pleasure, I gave that Ulquiorra dimwit some real tears to cry about, I rescued the damsel in distress, the Earth was looking pretty much safe...but it wouldn't have seemed right if I left the big baddie around, would it? I didn't think so, either, and it went without saying that the showdown my fans were expecting had to be delivered. Thus, I put on a show for them. Simple as that.
Or it should have been!
Fuck, he totally tricked me. It wasn't fair at all! Who ever heard of a supervillain that actually did something smart?! Fucking jackass! He could have taken his punishment like a girl, apologize and slink away, and I would have been perfectly happy to fight him again in a sequel, but oh no!
Yes, so now it was personal. Very personal. My reputation as top dog was in serious jeopardy. His ass was going to be grass, and my foot was going to be a nuclear bomb. I wanted revenge, and I would have settled for no less than overkill.
I took advantage of his time warping/ hypnosis mind fuck/ whatever the fuck he did to me to send me to the past, and I didn't hold back. I used my knowledge of going through Hueco Mundo and the memories of my training to make sure Aizen would have no way out. I went past Bankai Level Four and went all the way to Level Eleven; I went past Super Vizard to Ultra Mega Awesome Vizard. I became absolute power. Too powerful, really, since a wave of my finger killed Chad and destroyed three planets...But it wasn't enough, since I wanted to make sure Aizen wouldn't give me the slip this time.
Eventually, I reached his lair and confronted him again. The universe was cracking from the destruction I wrought in my wake, still.
"AIZEN!" I let loose an all-powerful bellow. Clearly, the articulation of my emotions was still as simple as ever. Well, whatever. Brevity is the soul of wit, anyways. And that bitch was going down.
He laughed at me. I loathed it. "Well, well," I hated the way he said that, too. "If it isn't Kurosaki, again...wait, this is the first time you've came here, isn't it?" Bastard! "Did you like the vision I gave you?" More laughter. Damn!
"AIZEN!"
"I will take that as a no."
"AIZEN!"
He sighed. What a dick. "Oh, I suppose we better get with the fighting. So be it. Let us have at it."
"AIZEN!" I roared again (for the fourth time) and attacked.
I had expected this fight to be like the last, only with more owning on my part since I was several hundred times stronger this time around. Imagine my surprise when Aizen suddenly met me blow for blow with ease...No, saying he met me blow for blow is an understatement on my part. Really, I struggled to keep up with him and soon my sword flew out of my hands and he had me cornered...! At his mercy! Ridiculous, I know.
It was possibly more humiliating than last time. Maybe I even wanted him to finish me off, I felt so disgraced.
But he wouldn't even do that much. He just smirked.
"Do you know what's the funniest thing about this scenario, Kurosaki?" he asked.
It wasn't funny, dipshit. Not for me. "Fuck you!"
He pretended I didn't say anything. "We haven't actually fought yet. You weren't hypnotized until you came to Hueco Mundo and saw me release my Zanpakutou." Wait, eh couldn't have meant...yet he did. Yes. I was..."You're still standing in front of me in my room, all clueless. and stupid-looking.Both of these two fights were not real. Fool you once, shame on me. Fool you twice, shame on you."
...That...that damn dirty, son of a bitch, lying, motherfucking, anal-ingesting piece of shit, puke-infested evil bastard!
I was so furious. I didn't care that he had me at sword-point. I didn't want to slice him into a million pieces. I wanted to murder him with the hands god gave me.
...However, I could not, for soon I snapped out of my hypnosis and a bunch of his minions threw me, Rukia, Chad, and Ishida out of Hueco Mundo. They even booted Inoue out, too, and that made no sense.
---
"...And since then I've been coming to this school every day to vent my frustration on any poor ghosts who happen to walk by me, waiting for Aizen to come to me, this time...Hey, are you two even listening to me?!"
Don't you think this tea is great, Rukia dear?
"Wow, yeah! I've never tasted anything better...it's fantastic!"
...Oh, did Ichigo finish his story? Sorry, Rukia and I stopped paying attention halfway through because he was dreadfully boring. I understand if anyone else stopped reading this story then, too, since Ichigo was weighing it down. I make such a better Narrator than he does, don't I? Yes, I do. I'm probably better than him in every possible way.
"...What...you...why...Rukia, why are you drinking tea with this guy?!" he let out a big pile of steam on his unfortunate lady friend. And he had more to say. "Err...how are you even drinking tea with that dipshit?! He doesn't even have a body! How can he even make tea?!"
"Oh, don't be such a lameass, Ichigo! I don't see you ever making me tea!" she complained in a huff. "All you seem to care about is giving Aizen a piece of your mind. How about giving me a piece of a large diamond, instead? Geez."
"...But...but I..."
"That's it. I've had enough of you, today!" she snapped, then turned to me and bowed. "Thank you for the tea. It was delicious."
My pleasure, Miss. My pleasure.
And she was gone. Ichigo appeared to be stunned.
"...You...you..." Did he have a speech impediment or something? "...Damn you!" he cursed...me, of all people? What did I do to deserve this? "First Aizen, then you! What kind of hell has my life become?! Rukia's all I got, and if you make me lose her, I'll..."
You'll what? Bore me to death with another one of your sob Aizen tales? Please. You can't touch me. Deal with it. I'm the goddamn Narrator.
He flexed his fists in anger, but his wit was leaving him."...All right, I told you what was pissing me off. Hold up your end of the bargain. Get lost and end this story, already." And so Ichigo Kurosaki ran away from our duel.
Fine. I am a man of my word, so I shall do as I said. Why don't you go fight Aizen again, in the meantime?
He snarled and kicked a hole in the school's wall before chasing after Rukia. He was gone.
...Such a fool he is. When will he discover that he can never defeat me, Aizen, in a fight?
---
And the cycle continues for all eternity...