Forget

Yeah, believe it or not, I've gotten completely obsessed with a show about a children's card game. Who the hell can help it - it's better than Yu-Gi-Oh, and even gayer. That's right. Gayer than Yu-Gi-Oh, bitches, and Yu-Gi-Oh is pretty damned gay.

I just wish there was more of a fandom...it seems to be all clustered on tumblr, and I hate tumblr on principle. Why isn't there an LJ fandom? And there definitely needs to be more fic...so I've decided to get off my lazy ass and contribute. The fandom seems mostly into Kaichi and I don't mind that pairing myself, but I'm more of a Kai/Ren shipper (in that order of dominance, at that...). Unfortunately, the show hasn't given much about their backstory or their interactions and I don't feel comfortable inventing stuff out of wholecloth, so I'm stuck being unable to write the melodramatic epics I really wanna write. Instead you get an incredibly vague drabble!

Warning for masturbation and flashes of explicit sex. Not a full-blown sex scene, but it's rated M for a reason. Also uke!Ren, if you don't like that. And cursing.

I just want to forget.

He tells himself this; oh, how he tells himself it, and he usually does a pretty good job living up to those words, but - but sometimes -

He can't help it. It consumes him. Everything rushes on him at once and he feels like he's at once burning alive and drowning and he has to...has to get away. It's good that these moods usually only hit when he's alone. He can't bear the thought of having the others...having Aichi...see him while he's like that. When his breathing comes in ragged gasps and he stumbles into the bathroom and locks the door and squeezes his eyes shut and practically tears open his zipper in his haste and -

It's shameful, so damn shameful. That's why he refuses to think, just lets his instincts take over. He pushes everything away and falls deeper and deeper into memory, except it's more than memory because it's physical, he feels it. He remembers soft lips tracing the shell of his ear, whispering words - nonsense words, broken promises - and remembers slim fingers digging into his sides, leaving behind little blue-red marks that he could see the next day, and he remembers so much more than that, and it feels good, feels so damned good.

That's the worst part of it. It feels good. That half-queasy, half-pleasant heat in the pit of his stomach; the slick friction of his hand intently working up and down, over and over again. The repetiveness is the best part of it. It takes no conscious thought. For a moment, just a moment, he unshackles his consciousness and gives in to the fantasies that are worse than fantasies because they are real, they are memories.

I just want to forget. I want to forget...I want to...

He remembers red hair, so much of it, and so bright, and it was so much softer to the touch than it appeared - he remembers threading his fingers through the strands; gripping, pulling hard, forcing Ren to arch his neck. Ren always gasped when he did that, a beautiful broken little sound that without fail made something stir inside Kai. That feeling, it drove him insane. He had no idea what to do with it. And he was always ashamed afterwards, when he finished with a growl and Ren finished with a high, musical cry, and they lay beside each other and Kai would turn away and ignore everything Ren said to him afterwards.

Afterwards, he always burned, but it was a completely different kind of burning.

I want to forget.

Faster, more erratic. He can hear his voice now, issuing in low grunts and gasps and a snarled curse word or two. He can't make himself stop. That fire - it's not the shameful fire yet. This is the fire that feels good.

He hated seeing Ren's face when they fell to it. He didn't want to kiss. Didn't want to see that beautiful flush coloring Ren's cheeks, complementing his hair perfectly. And he hated hearing Ren's voice, but that was not something he could block out. He hated it when Ren begged him to fuck him faster and harder, when Ren said that Kai was the only one, when Ren shouted his name during that single blissful second when pure white exploded across Kai's vision and he lost himself, really lost himself.

I want to forget.

Ren never understood. He laughed, called Kai a prude. Kai himself didn't understand. Still doesn't understand. It's not that he's a prude. He genuinely enjoyed it, but only during the heat of the moment. And now - now their friendship, whatever tattered vestige of it might remain, is over for good. So he should put it behind him. It's so easy. Just forget. Forget. Forget, forget, forget...

It rushes upon him all at once, a tide of blinding white. A searing wave sweeping through his every nerve, his every muscle. A spasm and shudder in his hand. Hot liquid, blazing and irritating like napalm.

And the memories, every memory, all at once.

"Picture it, Kai. You and me, together. Forever."

His chest heaves. He stumbles forward, grips the edge of the bathroom mirror to keep himself stable. All the strength has bled out of his body and he feels nothing but that sickening blend of disgust, resentment, self-hatred. So sickening, yet so familiar.

What would they say if they saw him like this? Aichi, Miwa, Tokura, everyone. Well - none of them will ever see him like this. He promised himself that long ago. Only two people know about his shame.

He looks up, into the mirror, and fights the urge to slam his fist against the glass, to smash the flustered, furious face staring back, that face which is not his own.

Across years of memories, Ren's hands trace paths down his spine, and Ren's voice whispers into his ear that they'll be together forever.

Kai tells himself to forget. He always tells himself to forget, always. But somehow, he just can't bring himself to.

Finis

Talk about a bad breakup.

Who knows, maybe I'll write more Cardfight Vanguard fic in the future. Scratch that, I definitely am going to. I'm waiting with bated breath for more of Kai and Ren's past to be revealed, because then Ican go all out, and it will be absolutely delightful.

In the meantime, please do review, if you feel the inclination to. I'm a little uncertain about this because it's my first time writing Vanguard fic, and I'm paranoid that I'm getting the characters wrong or whatever.