The author would like to take this time to remind the reader that she does not own the home insurance that this parody is based off of, and that she is, in fact, living in a dorm with no home insurance whatsoever. Don't sue the author.

The author would also like to say that HOME INSURANCE IS A GOOD THING.

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"Hey, look at me! I'm a normal average woman in my huge and expensive-looking house alone. I'm obviously not worried that Mr. Stranger-Danger dressed in the stereotypical robber getup could appear and do something to set off an alarm!" Ms. Average says while unpacking/getting ready for the evening/talking to her husband who is conveniently out of town for the night/doing something else to make it known how horribly normal she is.

Unbeknownst to her, Mr. Stranger-Danger was RIGHT OUTSIDE OF HER door/window!! HE DIDN'T KNOW ENOUGH ABOUT ROBBING TO BE SNEAKY! "Fear me, for I am about to break in!" He cries, loud enough for Ms. Average to get a perfect look at him. Then, instead of trying the door to see if it's unlocked, or picking the lock, or doing something equally intelligent, he lobs a rock/brick/ear of corn at the window/door, causing the alarm to go off.

"OH NOEZ!" cries Mr. Stranger-Danger, "An alarm! This has caused me to lose my nerve totally and leave the life of crime! I wonder if there's an old-folks home that I can volunteer at, I feel compelled to become a model citizen!" And he runs off.

The phone rings, "Hello?" says Ms. Average in a shaky tone, "Is this Home Insurance?"

"No! This is Phone Company! My name is Smilin' Stewart, would you like to change to our company? It's so wonderful that I am surrounded by phallic imagery!"

"Um… I'd rather not…I'm kinda expecting a phone call."

"Alrighty then! I'm going to hang up, but if you decided to switch to Phone Company, just call us up at 1-800-625-8679!"

"Great," says Ms. Average, and hangs up the phone, only to have it ring again.

"Hello, I'm going to force a bond between us by telling you that my name is Roger. How are you today?"

"Well," began Ms. Average, "My house—"

"That's just wonderful," interrupts Roger, "So has your house just been broken into? We received an alarm!"

"Yes! I'm so glad that you called me! Will you help?" cries Ms. Average.

"Yes! We'll call our partners at Phone Company and have them ring up your local police department! Have a super day!" chirps Roger, and promptly hangs up the phone.

"Oh! How helpful Home Insurance is!" swoons Ms. Average, "I'm so glad that I called them only three days ago and switched!"

Fin

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There. I did it. You can review if you'd like. I won't say no.