Why I Killed Myself, a glee fanfic

Faberry lovers will enjoy this! :D :D :D I'm a self proclaimed Faberry lover! In fact, I love all femslash! And yes, I'm ignoring the whole Lucy Caboosey plot, since I hated it and thought it never should have happened!

Rachel sat in shock. It was Wednesday, and she had expected, when she was at her locker that morning gathering her binders and notebooks, that the mandatory announcement that was announced over the PA system that it was over something stupid, like how the boys trashed the bathrooms, or about how money was being taken from the school once more.

She hadn't expected this.

The words floated over her as Principal Figgins announced that Quinn was dead, apparently having committed suicide. Quinn Fabray, the strong girl. The girl who had rarely cried in public even when she got pregnant at 16, losing everything including her boyfriends, the Cheerios, her youth, her body, and her parents. The girl who Rachel could tell was broken, just by looking at her smile. But Rachel admired her for trying to keep going with her life as if nothing was wrong.

Rachel should hate Quinn and be glad that one less bitch was in the world, since Quinn had hated Rachel and tortured her all those years. But she didn't. She didn't know how to explain it, but she had always had a special 'connection' with Quinn. She wasn't sure if Quinn could feel it too, but she sure as hell felt it.

Of course, Mr. Schue had told them all week when Quinn wasn't in school that she was at home sick. He had insisted on putting together a tearful number, but he hadn't told them why. Principal Figgins continued saying how Quinn's locker would be open to the public all week to leave her notes, gifts, and flowers, and then he introduced the New Directions. They all took their places silently on the stage, holding back tears.

Beauty queen of only eighteen
She had some trouble with herself
He was always there to help her
She always belonged to someone else

I drove for miles and miles
And wound up at your door
I've had you so many times but somehow
I want more

I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
She will be loved

Tap on my window knock on my door
I want to make you feel beautiful
I know I tend to get so insecure
It doesn't matter anymore

It's not always rainbows and butterflies
It's compromise that moves us along, yeah
My heart is full and my door's always open
You can come anytime you want

I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
And she will be loved

I know where you hide
Alone in your car
Know all of the things that make you who you are
I know that goodbye means nothing at all
Comes back and begs me to catch her every time she falls

Tap on my window knock on my door
I want to make you feel beautiful

[in the background]
Please don't try so hard to say goodbye
Please don't try so hard to say goodbye

Yeah
[softly]
I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain

Try so hard to say goodbye

Of course, Rachel should have known. Quinn had always been broken. In elementary school, she didn't really want to torture Rachel, calling her names that she didn't even understand and pushing her in the mud. She wanted to help the tiny girl up and play house with or swing next to her, but she was scared of the wrath of her parents. After all, they had told her that Rachel was a horrible freak, and she was supposed to be mean to Rachel. In middle school, Quinn joined the cheerleading squad, being captain of it in the eighth grade, and while she had wanted to ask Rachel for help with the routines, since Rachel was a better dancer than Quinn was, she instead bullied the girl with her best friends, Santana and Brittany, also cheerleaders. She had invented the art of the slushie facial, so whenever she saw Rachel walking, so lonely down the hallway, and she felt a rush of affection and sympathy for the brunette, she could release all those feelings, by throwing a frozen beverage in Rachel's face, and all those feelings would go away. In high school, Quinn knew everything was crumbling down around her, Finn feeling stuff for Man Hands, the girl she had tortured for years, and she had an undeniable attraction for Noah 'Puck' Puckerman, Finn's best friend. However, as she was hoisted to the top of the pyramid, or as she walked down the hallway, she kept the empty, broken smile on her face, so no one knew how much she was hurting. Rachel was used to the broken smile, so until she found out Quinn was pregnant by a couple of the other Glee clubbers, she had no idea something was wrong. Quinn was strong, even when she was kicked off the Cheerios, thrown out of her home, and the truth about her baby's father came out. She kept strong, never crying, even when she gave up her daughter for adoption and moved back into her old home.

Rachel had always had a connection with Quinn. She wasn't sure if Quinn felt it, but she did. And even though she should be glad there was one less bitch in the world, since Quinn had been horrible to her for years and was the reason that her reputation lay in shambles at her feet, she missed the girl.

Quinn was always on Rachel's mind, but she was determined to go on with her life, so she acted like nothing was wrong. She was in her room one day, practicing her vocal scales when her daddy Michael called her.

"Rach! You have a package!"

Who would send me mail? Rachel thought. I'm the most unpopular girl in the school, and if one of my fellow Glee clubbers had to talk to me, why wouldn't they call or text or send me a Facebook message or something?

However, Rachel was curious, so she ran down the stairs. "What is it?" she asked.

"I don't know," Michael replied. "I didn't open it."

Rachel looked at the brown paper enclosing it, and then her heart began to beat madly in her chest.

The return address was Quinn's old address. "Um... I'll be upstairs," Rachel said, running up the stairs.

She collapsed on her bed, and she carefully began to open up the package. If this was what Rachel thought it was, this must be one of the last things Quinn touched before she killed herself.

Dear Rachel,

Hello. It's Quinn Fabray writing this letter, in case you haven't figured out by now. I'm sure if you're reading, I'm dead by now. I committed suicide, because I just couldn't bear life anymore.

I love you, Rachel. Is it a shock to you? I always thought a part, buried deep inside of you always knew the truth, but you were too scared to admit it. Do you love me? Or are you too busy fawning over Finn Hudson to spend a second of your life thinking about the horrible bitch that made your life a living hell?

Do you want to know why I committed suicide? I'll tell you.

I've loved you since I was five years old. I was little, I didn't know that my religion hated gays and lesbians, and I thought it was perfectly normal.

The first time I saw you, I was mesmerized. Your brown hair curving perfectly around your face, your brown eyes shining. You were talking to Finn Hudson. He asked you to sing, and you sang 'Tomorrow' from Annie. You were perfect, Rach. You remembered all the words. You weren't embarrassed, and you were perfectly on pitch.

In that moment, I knew I loved you.

Our peers began to swarm you, shouting out requests.

And then I did the unthinkable.

I pushed past everyone in the crowd until I was next to you. I threw my arms around you, pecking you on the lips. It was innocent, we were little kids, we didn't know what we were doing. So you kissed me back.

Remember? I bet you've forgotten that tiny little detail of that day, but I never have. You're first kiss wasn't from Finn Hudson in the auditorium, it was from me.

I'm sure you never knew that I knew what happened that day between you and Finn, but I did. And it hurt me, not because Finn cheated on me, but because my secret love loved somebody else.

So I joined Glee Club, not to keep Finn in line, as everybody else, including Brittany and Santana, thought, but to be closer to you. Anyways, I'm getting off track.

You and I were the best of friends. At school, one couldn't be seen without the other. One day, I went home and told my mom about my best friend Rachel Berry.

She raised her eyebrows. "A Berry?" she asked, with disdain in her voice.

"Yes, Mama!" I cried. "She's my best friend, we do everything together! She's very pretty and very nice, and she's a very good singer too! And we're in love, Mom! I'm going to marry Rachel when I grow up!"

"Now, you listen here, Quinnie," my mother said. "You're to stay away from that... freak! You can't be her friend anymore, and you can't marry her when you grow up. That's wrong!"

"But Mom! Who am I going to play with if I can't play with Rachel?"

"You should be friends with my friend's daughters. Mrs. Lopez's daughter Santana, and Mrs. Pearce's daughter Brittany!"

"They're mean, I don't like them!"

"You'll do as your told," my mom told me as she poured another glass of vodka.

So I ignored you. However, every time you begged me to tell you what was wrong, I grew angrier and angrier. Angry at my parents for being mean and not letting me do what I wanted, and angry at you for just not leaving me alone. So, I began to call you names that I heard my mother use before, and I pushed you in the mud.

I tried to fight my feelings, and I was successful. But I want you to know that I've never loved Puck, the father of my daughter Beth, or even Finn. There's always been only you.

And I didn't give up my daughter because I didn't want to throw away my life. I would have kept her in a heartbeat if there had a flicker of a sign that you might share my feelings.

The only people who knew my secret were Santana and Brittany. Santana, of course, knew better than to tell, because she had Brittany and so had no reason to talk. But Brittany spilled my secret on accident, and the jocks made my life a living hell. Goodbye.

Love,

Quinn Fabray

As Rachel finished reading the letter, she began to shout. "Why, Quinn? Why did you do it? Why didn't you talk to me, we could have worked something out!" Rachel shouted. Then, she noticed the CD sitting on the bed. She picked it up with shaking hands, putting it into her CD player.

"This is a song I learned for you," the blond said. Quinn could hear it in Quinn's voice... she was holding back tears. "This is the last song I ever sang before I died, Rach." Then, the music started.

So I looked in your direction,

But you paid me no attention, do you.

I know you don't listen to me.

'cause you say you see straight me, don't you.

On and on from the moment I wake,

To the moment I sleep,

I'll be there by your side,

Just you try and stop me,

I'll be waiting in line,

Just to see if you care.

Did she want me to change?

But I change for good.

And I want you to know.

But you always get your way,

I wanted to say,

(Chorus)

Don't you Shiver? Shiver, Shiver

I'll always be waiting for you,

So you know how much I need ya,

But you never even see me, do you?

And this is my final chance of getting you.

On and on from the moment I wake...

Did she want me to change?...

(Chorus)

Sing it loud and clear.

I'll always be waiting for you. (x3)

Yeah I'll always be waiting for you.

And it's you I see, but you don't see me.

And it's you I hear, so loud and clear.

I sing it loud and clear.

And I'll always be waiting for you,.

So I look in your direction,

But you pay me no attention,

And you know how much I need you,

But you never even seen me.

Then, the music ended, and the tears poured down Rachel's face. "Don't cry." Rachel heard the desperation in Quinn's voice. "I'll always be here, looking over you, and I'll see you someday in Heaven."

And then the music stopped.

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