(Before reading, please note that testiclese has a very thicc Russian accent)
Hom Tanks awoke with a start, hearing a loud bang in his kitchen. He shot to his feet, tearing off his tighty whities and throwing on a good thick leather thong. He always made sure to have at least a couple pairs handy in case of emergencies.
Breathing heavily through his misshapen nostrils, Hom opened the door quietly, peering out into the dark hallway. He heard another bang, watching his grandmother's favorite china fall to the floor, shattering. "Grammy Olga! Your china has fallen! Oh dearie me!" Hom shouted, charging into the kitchen. "I will avenge you!" He said, pulling out his long metal dildo from his large butthole.
Holding it out in front of him, Hom approached the intruder cautiously, but feared his nostrils would give him away, so in a panic, he used his powers to turn his nose into yet another set of testicles. That way, he could cover up his identity enough for the time being.
Suddenly, a puff of strong wind wisped passed Hom's face. Hom breathed a sigh of relief as he watched his trusty sidekick, Frogtits, approached from the darkness. "Oh Frogtits, you broke poor Grammy Olga's vase!" He smiled, patting his friend's head. Frogtits' only redeeming quality was his smarts. He wasn't kind, muscular, or underweight, or so the rumors had said.
Testiclese begged to differ, knowing there was more to old Frogtits than met the eye, and he was right; the man could manipulate time. It was manipulated by rubbing Frogtit's moobs. If the moobs twisted around in a counterclockwise fashion, time would reverse, going back up to as much as a year If the opposite occurred, and the moobs swung clockwise, time could spring forward, also at a max of 1 year
This would have been helpful, if Frogtits was a kind, and helpful soul. Unfortunately, he was mostly evil and cunning, only obeying Hom when absolutely necessary.
"Well now I have to sweep up Grammy's china! Frogtits be more careful! You scared one of my balls off!" Testiclese cried. Frogtits frowned, slapping Testiclese repeatedly.
"Your stupid china don't matter to me."
Testiclese put up with it for a moment, then grabbed his fallen ball, and went to fetch a broom for his fallen china. "Twas a good set" he sniffled, sweeping it into the garbage bin. Wiping the tears from his eyes, Hom set out to give Frogtits a firm spanking. He grabbed a wooden spoon, tossing it for a moment, then gripped it firmly. Hom raised his arm and took a good swing at his sidekick. Frogtits grabbed the spoon angrily, ripping it out of Hom's grip. Suddenly, Hom heard another noise. It was a big gay potato rolling off the counter. Frogtits had been previously making soup with the gay potatoes. Then, when he fed the soup to Hom, he nearly threw up because instead of using chicken broth, Frogtits had used suspicious looking fluids. The meat was three week old cow tongue from the unrefrigerated basement, and the veggies were from the "gay, hairy and sexy" line of products from last week's erotic farmers market.
I'll let you guess how a 'sexy' vegetable is supposed to look. I'll give you a hint, they're very hairy.
At this point in the story there is an arousing pancreas robbery happening at the hospital. There was a villain attempting to steal someone's pancreas during a life-saving surgery.
It was the world's sexiest pancreas, and worth millions. It was practically made of gold.
The owner of such a rare pancreas was the one and only undead Smon Peeg, better known to the world as the Dickless Wonder. Smon Peeg had a strange obsession with the song 'Single ladies' and since he had many surgeries, he loved to have that song playing while he underwent his operations. He had had many surgeries in his past, and unfortunately, he died during one of them. Luckily, Smon practiced the magic of the sacred tit, and was able to bring himself back to life as a zombie, for the small price of his dick. He, of course, wept like a mad fool after the fact, realizing he'd never be able show his horn ever again. He could never get sprung, and never have proper, hardcore sexual relationships. . After debating suicide after saving his own life, Smon finally came to the conclusion that even though he couldn't have a regular sex life, he could still do 4 out of five sex positions, so all was not lost.
With that side note, we're back into the story. Hom felt a buzz on his alert bracelet, complete with little tiny dick charms. This let him know there was an emergency, and that he had to go there at once. The location popped into his head, and he was off. Frogtits would not be joining him this time, considering the damage he could do with a single twist of his moobs.
"On my way!" Hom cried, prancing down the street, completely forgetting to lock his door. "Instant teleportation" He muttered. BAM. Suddenly he was in the operating room, watching the robber, posing as a surgeon, work at is pancreas. "Stop right there, you insane fool" Hom cried, pointing his (very pointy) finger at the assailant. "Who the hell are you supposed to be, nut man?" the robber asked, pancreas in hand, blood everywhere. "Me? I am the famous Testiclese, keeper of the time god, and home to over 69 hanging dicks. Those dicks of course, cover my body. I am blessed with each and every one of them. I cherish them as if they were my children!" Hom announced, "Now, who are you?!"
"I am the great and mighty Benadryl Cabbagepatch, the smuckpatch god of Sexyness and ass, commonly known across the planet as Cumberbooty, and I am the protector of all the world's glorious asses. I need this pancreas for a science experiment. I need this one in particular because of its rare and seductive qualities! It was originally designed by the all powerful Tit to make all the booties thicccc and juicy."
"I see, well, in that case, have at it!" Hom said lustfully, raising his arms up, taking a long look at Cumberbooty's thicc, arousing behind. To clear his mind from the pure sexyness radiating from the man infront of him, Hom took one accidental look at the ceiling lights and screamed. The lights were so bright that his eyes burned out, and he became instantly blind. "AAAAAHHH" Hom yelled, prancing around the room like a horny duck, his testicles waving madly. Hearing the commotion, Smon Peeg awoke from his slumber, and upon seeing the crazy man covered in testicles screaming and running around the surgical suite, he panicked, and with a high pitched squeal, his ass fell off.
Cumberbooty, though already halfway out of the hospital, could sense that a glorious booty was in distress, and with a shout, the god of Sexyness and The Booty took off back towards the operating room.
He burst through the doors, and was greeted by the sight of Hom searching for his eyeballs on the ground, but the real horror was Smon, still squealing, hole in his abdomen from where his pancreas had been, and his beautiful ass lying on the ground next to him.
"NO! NO, SUCH A BEAUTIFUL ASS. I MUST SAVE IT!" Cried Benadryl, and with a loud snort, he pointed at the butt on the floor, and it began glowing.
"Wait! Great and powerful Booty man, I beg of you, I must see all that sexy, seductive, delicious flesh again, please, give me new eyes" Moaned Hom, desperate to see again.
"Fine, I shall, but I warn you, they'll be far sexier than your last ones" warned The Cumberbooty, and with a blinding flash of light, Smon was reunited with his bottom, and Hom's eye sockets were filled by a large pair of testicles. When his work there was done, Benadryl turned to the door, large hips swaying. "But sir Cumberbooty, will we see you again?" asked Hom hopefully, watching the hips as they moved seductively. "Of course you will. That is, if you interfere with my pancreatic indulgence again" the cumberbooty said. And with that, Hom and the dickless wonder were alone.