ATTACK OF THE CRAZY OBSESSED (but very attractive) FANGIRLS!!!
A/N: This is what happens when you give me sugar! Lol, anyways…yes, I know the characters aren't acting the way they should, but it was 2 am when I wrote this, and I wasn't paying attention to what I wrote. Btw, Bane144 is me (because I'm an obsessed fangirl)! Any randomness is there for a reason…Enjoy, and remember to read and review!
Disclaimer: The characters of Crossing Jordan do not belong to me. They belong to Tim Kring, or Krong, or whatever the hell his name is. Anyways, now you've been disclaimed, so what the hell are you doing still reading this? read on, ya moron!
The scene starts off with Jordan sitting in her office groaning over paperwork. It is the middle of the night, and she alone in her office.
JORDAN: Damn paperwork…it's such a waste of time. Not to mention trees…I don't get why we can't just do it all on the computer.
She spends the next twenty minutes or so complaining about how stupid and pointless paperwork is, until, with a loud bang, the rest of the cast from the Crossing Jordan show are in her office.
JORDAN: What the Hell!?
WOODY: How the hell did I end up here? This sooo does not count as relaxing!
The cast members continue to complain, until the author (Bane144) is quite ready to kill them on the spot. Of course, if she did that, there would be no point for this story, so she settles for screaming very loudly.
BANE144 (screaming very loudly): ALL OF YOU, SHUT UP, SIT DOWN, AND LISTEN!
They sit, looking scared. Nobody spoke for a few moments, until:
MAX: Who's the weird lady screaming at us?
NIGEL: I have no idea, why don't you ask her?
MAX: Excuse me, weird lady, but who are you?
BANE144: I am a representative of the fan club.
LILY: Which fan club? There are so many…
BANE144: The (enter dramatic music) CRAZY FANGIRLS CLUB!!!
WOODY: The what?!
BANE144: Pay attention! All the fans of Crossing Jordan have united to form the (dramatic music) CRAZY FANGIRLS CLUB!!!!
LILY (quietly): What about the crazy fan guys?
BANE144: it just doesn't roll off the tongue like dramatic music CRAZY FANGIRLS!!!
LILY: I see…
BANE144: anyways, we have decided that this whole show needs a makeover. So, we give you (dramatic music) ATTACK OF THE CRAZY OBSESSED (but very attractive) FANGIRLS!!!
JORDAN: But you're not very attractive.
BANE144: HEY!!!
NIGEL: So how does this whole thing work?
Bane144 goes off on a long-winded speech about how the whole 'thing' works. She doesn't seem to notice Bug and Lily trying to sneak out of the office, until the door creaks loudly.
BANE144: COME BACK HERE!
A high speed, cartoon ensues, with the author chasing Bug and Lily around the morgue. They weave through the autopsy rooms, and past Garrets office, where Bane144 stops to get a shot of whiskey. Finally, they end up right back where they started. As soon as Bug and Lily are inside, Bane144 padlocks the door and swallows the key.
BUG: Dammit! So close…
BANE144: Now, back to the task at hand. How about if we start with what you want to see happen in the show, and we'll see if we can work that into what we have planned out? Nigel, why don't you go first?
NIGEL: Um… I want to stop being a nerdy computer geek? And can I be an evil fairy princess?
The sad thing about Nigel's last question was that he was completely and utterly serious. The other cast members had trouble keeping their giggles to themselves, until Jordan opened her mouth and started giggling. It was like a domino effect.
JORDAN: Are you serious?
NIGEL: Yes, I am. Do you have a problem with me being an evil fairy princess?
JORDAN: … I'm not going to answer that.
The author shot them all a death glare, which shut them all up.
BANE144: Anyways… we can't change your image this late in the show, unless we change absolutely everything about you. And the fans would kill us if we did that, so it's not going to happen. We can't do anything about the fairy princess thing, though, If you're really committed to being one, I think Bleach has an opening...
He nodded, and she continued.
BANE144: Now, Jordan, how about you go next? What do you want to happen?
JORDAN: Well…I would like to end up with Woody. Oh, and a promotion might be nice…
WOODY: What if I don't want to end up with you?
JORDAN: Suck it up, buttercup. I want to end up with you, and since this show is about me and my obsession with my mothers' murder, you will end up with me. Got it?
GARRET: Your obsessions aren't good for you. Maybe you should just let it go.
JORDAN: If I let it go, there would be no reason for this show to continue, and we would all be out of a job, which would be very sad.
They all nod. It would be a very, very sad thing if they were all out of a job.
GARRET (to himself): When did she get so damn logical?
BANE144: I'm sure we could get the Woody/Jordan ship going. There are a lot of fans who want to see that happen. You'll have to consult your boss about the promotion though; I don't think we can make that happen. Unless… (She starts muttering, and they catch odd words like 'rope' and 'stupid screenwriters')
JORDAN: Great…I just have one question. What's a ship?
BUG: A boat.
LILY: But that doesn't make any sense. What would Woody and Jordan be doing on a boat?
BANE144: Ship is short for relationship. Shippers are people who support certain types of relationships.
LILY: That makes more sense…
JORDAN: You really can be stupid sometimes.
LILY (After a pause): HEY!!!
GARRET: I'd be glad to give you a promotion; you've done more than enough for me, er, the morgue.
MAX: Is there something you're not telling me?
GARRET: No…
MAX: Right…
BANE144: Woody, you can go next. Is there anything you'd like to change?
WOODY: Does killing you count?
BANE144: No.
WOODY: Damn. Well, I'd like a pink fluffy bathrobe, a bowling trophy, and a less annoying partner.
MAX: Right…
BANE144: Who's your partner right now?
WOODY: Lu.
BANE144: Sure…can we kill her?
WOODY: Go ahead, I don't care.
JORDAN: Do you always kill the people you kiss?
WOODY: If that were true, you'd be dead too.
MAX: I didn't need to know that…
JORDAN: Good point.
LILY: Who are they?
She points to three people who are in the corner, gagged and bound. They are wearing nametags that say: Hello my name is EVIL SCREENWRITER!!!
BANE144 (eyes darting around the room nervously): They're not important. What is though is that you people tell me what you want done before I kill you all!
JORDAN: That would defeat the whole point of asking us what we want, because then we would be dead.
BANE144: Could you please stop being so logical, it's very out of character.
JORDAN: But you put in the authors note that-
BANE144: JUST SHUT THE HELL UP!!!
JORDAN: Touchy, Touchy.
BANE144: Grr…
JORDAN: Fine.
BUG: Can I have my turn now? I'm quite tired of being the quiet Indian guy that never gets any girls, could you fix it so I end up with Lily?
LILY: Do I get any say in this?
BANE144: No.
LILY: Great!
BANE144: That depends. Would you like to spend the rest of your natural life with her, or would you just like to go for a few dates?
BUG: The first one.
BANE144: We can do that.
BUG: Great, then I have no more to say.
BANE144: Who do we have left?
GARRET: Me.
MAX: Me.
LILY: Me.
JORDAN: Cheese!
LILY: Cheese?
JORDAN: CHEESE!
NIGEL: Cheese!?
JORDAN: Yes, cheese! Do you people need to repeat everything I say?
NIGEL: No, but it's quite fun to annoy you.
JORDAN: Just shut it.
RANDOM PERSON: I am random!
BANE144: Who are you, and how the hell did you get in here?
RANDOM PERSON: I am a random person, and I got in through the window. (Points to open window.)
MAX: We're nearly seven storey's up! How did you climb so high?
RANDOM PERSON: I used the rope. (Points to rope hanging out the window)
ALL: Ahh! That makes sense!
BANE144: So that's where I left my rope! (Pushes random person out the window, grabs rope and slams the window shut.)
LILY: You just killed the random person!
BANE144: Your skill for stating the obvious must come in handy.
LILY: Yes, it does.
BANE144: Max, what do you want?
MAX: Having my wife back would be nice, but other than that, nothing.
BANE144: Really?
MAX: Really.
BANE144: So you want nothing else at all? Not even for Jordan to be less obsessive?
MAX: No.
BANE144: Well, that makes my job a lot easier.
GARRET: I'd like it if my ex-wife and Abby would stop bothering me. She's taken half of everything, what else does she need?
BANE144: Can we kill her?
WOODY: What is it with you and killing people? It's not making my job any easier…
BANE144: It gets rid of unnecessary characters. People these days have enough on their minds without having to remember the names of characters unrelated to the plot. Why do you think we got rid of Devan and Peter?
JORDAN: That was you?
BANE144: Yes.
JORDAN: Good Job!
GARRET: Knock yourself out, I couldn't care less.
BANE144: It needs to be something cruel and unusual…
GARRET: Whatever.
BANE144: Now, about this whole you and Renee thing…would you like to go out with her, or break it off, once and for all?
GARRET: Break it off, she's ruining my image.
With a flash of light, Renee pops into the room. She is wearing a fluffy pink bathrobe and matching slippers.
WOODY: I like your outfit!
RENEE: Hey! I was trying to sleep!
BANE144: This will only take a minute. Garret, tell her.
GARRET: Its over, Renee. Whatever we had is long gone, and it ain't ever coming back.
RENEE: I hate you.
With a flash of light, she is back from wherever she came from.
BUG: The light hurts my eyes.
BANE144: Suck it up, Buttercup. Anyways, Garret, the fans want to see you deal with you alcohol addiction. Can we get you checked into rehab, or something?
GARRET: I don't like rehab!
BUG: I'm NOT a buttercup!
BANE144: Too bad, we'll take you there kicking and screaming if we need to, so DO IT!!
GARRET: Make me.
BANE144: Well, I can call in the crazy fangirls…
GARRET: Fine, Fine, I'll do it! Anything if it'll keep the fangirls away!
JORDAN: Wait, I thought you were a fangirl.
BANE144: I am
JORDAN: If you're a fangirl, then there would be no need to call in the crazy fangirls, because you are one.
BANE144: Did anyone ever tell you that you talk too much?
JORDAN: Yes. So, you're trying to tell me that there are people more insane than you?
BANE144: If you don't stop talking, I will be forced to duct tape your mouth shut.
JORDAN: I'll tell you what you can do with that duct tape. You can go shove it up your-
GARRET: This fic is rated PG-13, Jordan.
JORDAN: Well, PG-13 can go to hell! (She goes on to give a very detailed description of where exactly the duct tape could go.)
BANE144: I'm not going to answer that…anyways, whose left?
LILY: Me.
BANE144: Great! So…what do you want?
LILY: Well…I'm kinda hungry, so a pizza would be nice.
NIGEL: Cheese?
LILY: Yeah, that would be great!
NIGEL: I'll go order one.
BANE144: Anything relating to the show?
LILY: Less of a pushover, and I would like to dye my hair purple…
NIGEL (Yelling into the phone.): YES, I'M BLOODY SURE! NOW GET ME THE BLOODY PIZZA, OR I WILL COME DOWN THERE AND BLOODY MURDER YOU! (He slams the phone down and notices everyone staring at him.) Stupid pizza people…
JORDAN: And this, boys and girls, is why you don't let angry british men order pizza.
WOODY: Look, a big distracting thingy!
JORDAN: Remind me why I want to spend the rest of my life with you?
WOODY: It's the eyes.
LILY: It's the hair.
FIONA: It's the boots!
BANE144: Who the hell are you?
FIONA: I'm Fiona.
BANE144: Could you be a bit more specific?
FIONA: Wait, this isn't the Shrek fanfiction section?
JORDAN: Noo…
FIONA: Oops, My bad. Bye!
She goes back to where ever she came from, leaving a very confused bunch of cast members.
MAX: Who the hell was that?
BUG: No idea.
NIGEL: Can we finish this up? I'm getting late for my yoga with cats class.
GARRET: Right…
BANE144: The pushover image is a bit hard to reverse, Lily. Unless you want to become more of a biker gal, there's nothing we can do.
BUG: I like Lily the way she is!
And, to prove his point, he walks over to her and hugs her.
LILY: If this is what happens when I'm a pushover, I don't want to change!
BANE144: If I had known he was this bold, I would have hooked up with him a long time ago…
WOODY: Dude, it was just a hug!
BANE144: Shut up.
JORDAN: But you're not a part of the cast.
BANE144: Your point?
JORDAN: You need to be a member of the cast to hook up with other cast members.
BANE144: If I wanna be a part of the cast, then I will be, so there!
JORDAN: Loser…
RANDOM PERSON: I am Random.
LILY: I thought you were dead…
RANDOM PERSON: I was.
LILY: OMG!!! RANDOM DEAD PERSON!!!
JORDAN: Shut up.
LILY: BUT IT'S A RANDOM DEAD PERSON!!!
JORDAN: Your point?
LILY: ITS DEAD!!!
JORDAN: This is a morgue, you moron! EVERYBODY'S DEAD!
RANDOM PERSON: Did I do something wrong?
JORDAN (sarcastically): No, not all! Just the fact that you're supposed to be dead and this is a major plot hole, but other than that, nothing at all!
RANDOM PERSON: How is it a plot hole?
BANE144: Well, I did kill you…
RANDOM PERSON: And I came back from the dead. It's no big deal! People do it all the time, see? (Points down at the street, where hordes of undead people are walking around.)
LILY: OMG!!! DEAD PEOPLE!!!
JORDAN: What the hell is your problem?
LILY: Other than the fact that there are zombies walking the streets, nothing.
RANDOM PERSON: Actually, we prefer the term undead. Zombie just sounds so unappealing…
MAX: Right…
BANE144: Well, it looks like we're all done here, so I'm going to go home.
She pops out, leaving everyone else there.
WOODY: Hey! I want to get back to relaxing!
RANDOM PERSON: And I want to get back to being dead!
JORDAN: And I need the key to the lock, or I won't be able to leave this hell-hole I call an office!
GARRET: HEY!!! I gave you this office out of the goodness of my heart!
Bane144 pops back in, gives Jordan the key, and pops back out, taking everyone else with her. Jordan is left alone to finish her paperwork.
JORDAN: Damn paperwork…it's such a waste of time. Not to mention trees…I don't get why we can't just do it all on the computer.