Chapter 1- Fear of falling
When I was a kid I taught myself to be afraid of anything I couldn't control. It was my way of protecting myself. I figured that if I were afraid of such things then I would always run away from them. If I did that then they couldn't touch me and I wouldn't get hurt.
My greatest fear is human emotion. Those feelings that we can't control, that make us vulnerable, open to pain. Guilt; eating us up from the inside out. Fear itself; freezing your mind, killing rational thought. And perhaps the worst of all, love. The cruellest of them all. Deceiving you into believing that your happy, then striking you down and leaving you sick with the pain of loss.
I fear love the most and yet somehow it keeps crawling into my life, hitting me when I'm least expecting it and sucking me dry. No matter how strong I try to be, I can't protect myself completely.
That's why I work so hard. When I'm working on case I can forget about the rest of the world. The only lives that matter are those involved in the case. I can put my life on hold and if I do that enough then it will never move forward and I can't get hurt again.
I drain away the last of my coffee and put the empty cup down on the table, perhaps a little harder than I intended. The crash sounds deafening in the empty room. I glance up at the clock. 7:45. Only 15 minutes till the shift starts. I wonder where the rest of the team are. Right on cue the door handle turns. Nick and Warrick wrestle through the door, fighting to be first into the room.
"Children! Children!" scolds a voice behind them. They both come tumbling into the room as Catherine pushes them from the back.
Nick falls backwards into an empty chair and Warrick scoops up the football from the floor. They begin their nightly ritual- tossing it backwards and forwards. Cath starts making herself a drink. She points at my empty cup.
"Do you wanna refill Sara?"
I shake my head, declining the offer.
Out of the corner of my eye I can see Nick looking at me. Unwilling to meet his gaze, I stare fixedly at the closed door. I can still fell his eyes, burning into me. Warrick doesn't notice that Nick's attention has wandered from the game. He throws the ball again and it hits Nick on the ear. He blinks and snaps his head round to glare at Warrick, but he's laughing. I laugh too, trying to drown out the part of me that wants to rush over and check that he's okay. It's silly. I know that he's fine- he's laughing.
Angry with myself I go back to staring at the door. I can feel my self falling for him and I hate myself for it. I won't let myself fall in love again.
When I was a kid I taught myself to be afraid of anything I couldn't control. It was my way of protecting myself. I figured that if I were afraid of such things then I would always run away from them. If I did that then they couldn't touch me and I wouldn't get hurt.
My greatest fear is human emotion. Those feelings that we can't control, that make us vulnerable, open to pain. Guilt; eating us up from the inside out. Fear itself; freezing your mind, killing rational thought. And perhaps the worst of all, love. The cruellest of them all. Deceiving you into believing that your happy, then striking you down and leaving you sick with the pain of loss.
I fear love the most and yet somehow it keeps crawling into my life, hitting me when I'm least expecting it and sucking me dry. No matter how strong I try to be, I can't protect myself completely.
That's why I work so hard. When I'm working on case I can forget about the rest of the world. The only lives that matter are those involved in the case. I can put my life on hold and if I do that enough then it will never move forward and I can't get hurt again.
I drain away the last of my coffee and put the empty cup down on the table, perhaps a little harder than I intended. The crash sounds deafening in the empty room. I glance up at the clock. 7:45. Only 15 minutes till the shift starts. I wonder where the rest of the team are. Right on cue the door handle turns. Nick and Warrick wrestle through the door, fighting to be first into the room.
"Children! Children!" scolds a voice behind them. They both come tumbling into the room as Catherine pushes them from the back.
Nick falls backwards into an empty chair and Warrick scoops up the football from the floor. They begin their nightly ritual- tossing it backwards and forwards. Cath starts making herself a drink. She points at my empty cup.
"Do you wanna refill Sara?"
I shake my head, declining the offer.
Out of the corner of my eye I can see Nick looking at me. Unwilling to meet his gaze, I stare fixedly at the closed door. I can still fell his eyes, burning into me. Warrick doesn't notice that Nick's attention has wandered from the game. He throws the ball again and it hits Nick on the ear. He blinks and snaps his head round to glare at Warrick, but he's laughing. I laugh too, trying to drown out the part of me that wants to rush over and check that he's okay. It's silly. I know that he's fine- he's laughing.
Angry with myself I go back to staring at the door. I can feel my self falling for him and I hate myself for it. I won't let myself fall in love again.