Title: Non sum qualis eram
Author: necro_omen13
Pairing: Established non-explicit M!Hawke/Anders
Rating: T
Spoilers: No major plot spoilers
Summary: Written for a prompt on the DA!kink!meme: Anders's male LI is cheating on him. A heartbroken Anders knows, but he stays and doesn't even confront him about it because he doesn't feel like he's worth being true to.
They all think they know.
Merrill thinks it's like Varric's stories; the two star-crossed lovers find each other amidst tragedy and everything becomes bright and happy and safe.
Isabela thinks that he knows; thinks that he's finally being fun again and spends drunken nights at the Hanged Man begging to be invited.
Fenris thinks of nothing but himself; thinks that it's all a new way to hurt him, another way to mock the shock of red tied around his wrist.
Sebastian thinks that he's using him, tempted him into his bed in an attempt to further histheirour cause; thinks he knows who's using who.
Aveline thinks it's none of her business and leaves it at that; leaves Hawke to choose where he finds comfort.
Varric thinks he doesn't know that he knows; thinks he can pretend he doesn't know what happens behind closed doors.
Hawke thinks that none of them know. Thinks that Merrill is being cute and that Isabela is just playing; thinks that Fenris doesn't care and that Sebastian won't judge; that Varric doesn't see this and that Aveline is the only one who understands what he's lost.
Anders is the only one that really knows.
Knows that Merrill is a fool. Of course she is, to deal with demons so naively.
Fenris is blinded by bitter regrets.
Sebastian is wrong, but not by much.
Isabela sees more than she knows.
Varric knows more than he sees.
Aveline doesn't understand the comfort Hawke seeks.
And Hawke doesn't know what he's seeking.
Anders doesn't know about many things, more with each passing day.
Doesn't know what it will take for mages to be free (Whatever is necessary.)
Doesn't know how many lives will be lost (As many as it takes.)
Doesn't know who he can trust besides Hawke (Not even him; he is a distraction from the cause!)
...doesn't know if what he's doing, going to do, is right (I will have JUSTICE.)
Anders knows when he's been at the Rose; when he comes home smelling of sex and drink and cheap oils; when Hawke won't hold his gaze and hesitates before touching him, greeting him.
"...I didn't think you'd be home..."
"I live here too you know," said through a smile as fragile as the one it's meant for.
"...I know."
Anders knows the difference between Hawke checking up on him and Hawke checking on him; the difference between when Hawke is concerned enough to visit him in his clinic, or feeling guilty enough to make sure he'll be there for a while yet.
"Move over a bit there love, you're blocking the bandages." A murmured 'sorry' and an awkward shuffle to the side.
"There we are! All better now sweetheart, but try not to play near the stairs anymore, all right?" A brief smile and then moving away, over to the next filled cot.
"Did you need something Hawke?" A flinch, expertly hidden, but he sees it, always sees it whenever he calls him that.
"...no. I just wanted to check on the clinic, see how you were doing...how long you'd be."
There is no surprise, not anymore; just recognition and acceptance that this is his fault. So he glances around, makes a show of assessing the numerous patients-in-waiting dotted around the room.
"I think I'll be awhile yet love, it's rather busy today. I don't expect to be done before supper, maybe later if more show up."
A sideways look at Hawke, a quick glance through dark lashes and Anders continues speaking, keeping his eyes on Hawke and his voice low.
"You should find some of the others, get started on that pile of errands that's threatening to swallow your desk. I'll be alright here."
And because he's still watching he sees the slight pause, the tensing of the muscles in his jaw, his shoulders; sees the brief clench of fists as Hawke looks, actually looks, at him, before dropping his gaze, eyes darting away. Another murmur, this one of assent and he turns to leave, both of them knowing it's with no intention of doing errands.
Sometimes Hawke visits because he cares, other times because he's scared of the guilt.
On days like this, Anders dares to hope it's both.
Anders still loves him, still smiles just for him, still cares for him like no one else.
And he thinksknowsthinks, that Hawke loves him too. Thinks; when Hawke smiles at him like he used to smile at the wolf. Knows; when he's home with Anders every night for a month. Thinks; when he's gone before he wakes the next morning and leaves a pillow smelling of cheap perfume in a house worth more than all of Lowtown combined.
On days when Anders is feeling honest, he'll admit that it hurts. Admit it to himself, to Justice, but not to Hawke. No, never to Hawke.
It hurts when Hawke won't look at him, when he avoids his company.
It hurts when Hawke kisses him, all beautiful pressure and warmth and passion...and he tastes like someone else.
And it hurts when they lie sated and exhausted, Hawke wrapped around him; sturdy and warm and stroking his hair and neck and face. It hurts when he feels Hawke hesitate slightly before murmuring those three words in the crook of Anders' neck. It hurts because he'll do it all again, maybe not tomorrow or next week, but soon.
It hurts because Anders knows he doesn't deserve it, doesn't deserve someone like Hawke whispering those words; not while they're curled together happy and content for the moment, this lust will not last.
But mostly, it hurts because they're not a lie.
Justice doesn't understand. Granted, he doesn't understand much of mortal life, but Anders knows this confuse him above all else.
To him, Hawke is not a man, but a distraction.
Not a strength, but a weakness.
Not a lover (his lover, his love) but an obstacle.
Anders tells him to shut up, because he doesn't know any more or any better than the others do.
Anders is the only one that knows, truly knows.
He knows that he's an abomination (I am not a demon!) ; that he corrupted a spirit of the Fade, a friend, turned Justice into Vengeance (THEY WILL BURN.)
He knows that he will be is has been is an apostate (revolutionary) , traitor (leader) , murderer (freedom fighter) and this isn't right-! IT IS JUSTICE!
Hawke has lost his home to treachery and taint; his family to tragedy and misfortune and fate; his heart to an elfwolfslavedogbeast that didn't understand (care for) its prize and dropped it, let it shatter.
Anders had lost his home once, run from it twice; has lost his families because of fear and freedom and cowardice (JUSTICE) ; his heart to someone he is unworthy of, but who he loves with all of what he has left.
Anders has lost is losing will lose will give his mind to the cause, even when especially when he isn't sure we will not falter who he's supposed to be fighting-EVERYONE. THEY WILL ALL FEEL JUSTICE'S WRATH.
And Anders will lose Hawke, he is sure of it, one of the few things he is certain of now. THE CIRCLE WILL BURN and change will come and he will die, undeserving of being spared by Hawke, let alone loved by him.
Anders has lost everything, even his name, and he will lose Hawke because he never deserved him.
Hawke has lost everything too, but Anders will make sure he never loses him.
Epilogue
Anders knows that he's losing; there are longer and longer gaps in his memory and his thoughts are getting mixed up, the lines are blurring and he loves Hawke but he doesn't deserve him and Hawke hurts him but he does deserve that, he deserves no less and so much more and he deserves faithfulness, justice (No I don't!) and Hawke is looking for a better way, stalling, refusing to take sides and showing weakness of conviction (No! He doesn't want war! He wants peace!) THERE CAN BE NO PEACE and Hawke is a distraction.
A quick author's notes: Only Varric, Anders and Hawke know the 'full' story. All the others think Hawke is faithful to Anders, except Isabela who thinks it's all sexy fun and games. Hope you enjoyed it :)
(Fuck you and your little formatting dog too; this is why I'm on LJ now)