Dear Mum,
Would you like to come round on Saturday?
I have made a cake especially, so if you say no, I will have to eat it all myself. No that it would be a challenge.
If you come make sure to bring the twins and not leave them behind.
If you are too tired by then end of the day, or lazy, you may stay over: I have bought some tents, but I may warn you that there may be some dog poo on the lawn.
And before you ask, I have bought a kettle now, so yes I can make you a cup of tea.
I still don't know why we argued about that, it's only a drink, it doesn't mean anything. 'Giving your mother a cup of tea is a symbol of love' is not a valid argument.
I haven't got a girlfriend. And no, I'm not gay.
I just haven't got round to it yet, I am too involved in my job. There are so many deliveries to prepare for that my employers and I have been up to the eye-balls in easels and paintbrushes.
Talking about, being gay… How is Andy? Does he know yet?
Does anyone take the micky out of him yet? Like I used to get to when I went ginger in the sun?
I have changed my profile picture now, so I don't look like a ginger, which is always good.
Anyway, just a short letter asking you round…
Just before I leave how's Granddad Lark? He came round my house the other day, I said he was coming back from an air show, so I couldn't really say no. Which I was going to.
He had about seven yoghurts and was raring to go afterwards.
So get back to me as soon as possible okay? Obviously before Saturday.
Lovingly Doug.