Disclaimer- I own nothing. Lyrics and title belong to Matchbox Twenty, everything else to JKR.
Rewrite- 6/11/09
PART ONE- Argue
-She don't, but she will
He says anything to keep her by him-
Ron had always known that he needed her. He needed her more than oxygen, more than food or water. But where as he knew how to eat, how to drink, how to breathe, he didn't know how to keep her.
When Harry and Ginny had gotten married, he and Hermione had been the best man and maid of honor at their beautiful wedding. Hermione had said then that she would like to get married in a church. Ron had said that it was hard to imagine himself married. She had given him one those looks and he knew that he had done something wrong. He watched her walk away thinking that he never did know what to say.
Now they lived together, but it felt a bit too much like Hogwarts all over again. As if they were in separate dorm rooms and they met at breakfast despite sleeping in the same room, in the same bed. Ron had taken to working long hours at the shop, unpredicable hours, but he tried to be home when Hermione was. He really did.
The trouble was, Hermione had unpredictable work hours as well. Too often, Ron would wake up alone and come home to his already sleeping wife. Too often, Hermione would wake in the middle of the night with no one beside her. Ron didn't know that she cried at night.
They talked about work a lot. It was a problem and they both knew it. They needed to be seeing more of each other, but they both loved their jobs and they were both unerringly stubborn. Ron didn't notice Hermione loosing interest in her work.
Now, when Ron finds her standing by the front door, her hand, shaking slightly, resting on the knob, he tells her that he loves her. He says her name. His voice is soft and sincere and he means it. And she doesn't leave, but they both wondered what it would be like if she did.
-She takes what she gets and she never did flinch, no
So over and over,
Anyone with any mind would think that's all she gets-
It goes on like this for some time and nothing changes. It wears on them daily, slowly filing them down to the bone. Hermione never says anything about leaving, but sometimes Ron finds her old Hogwarts trunk open in their bedroom looking like an open casket, Hermione's clothes laying inside.
They never argue in public anymore, not even in front of Harry and Ginny. They put on a good show of getting along and smiling and holding hands and leaning into each other. They always feel like fools afterwards because everyone knows that they get along the best when they're arguing.
Ron misses the moments that they had had so often back at Hogwarts. Hermione would get fired up about something and Ron would pretend to be aloof and pick on her and laugh and the two of them would argue in a way that was entirely their own. Everyone knew that weren't really angry, that Ron didn't really care about what they were fighting about and that Hermione liked the challenge and the witty banter.
Now they argue in a different way, a private way, a real way and it feels as though they don't know each other at all. It feels as though they had ruined something wonderful that they had had in the past. They know each other too well to feel like strangers.
-If you want you can get to know me well
We get along so we shouldn't argue-
Hermione had always been a very logical girl. Logic and knowledge are her refuge, except when it comes to Ron. Sometimes she wishes that she had fallen for Harry instead because when it came to Ronald Weasley, all logical parts of her brain shut down.
There were only a few things that she is certain of when it comes to Ron. She knows that she loves him, that she needs him, and that he cares about her. But there also those moments when she finds herself staring at the front door and wondering what her life looks like on the other side.
She hears her logic talking her, telling her to find out, telling her that it would be easier on the other side of the wood and chipping blue paint in front of her. But that voice that comes from behind her, that voice she knows so well, tells her that she is loved on this side of the door and that was something logic would never be able to understand.
-And I don't know, said I don't know
All these feelings cloud up my reasoning
Cloud up my reasoning-
After some time, Ron begins to take the stance of not talking about their problems. Talking about it hadn't helped so he pretends that nothing is wrong. Sometimes, Hermione fins him staring at her, at her slumped shoulders with a frown on face. She knows there are deep bags under her eyes but if she catches him noticing, he shakes himself and turns away. Hermione can feel the ever-more-gaping hole forming between them. But for Ron, it is easier to sit and watch the ground fall away into the blackness rather than try to build a bridge over it.
After even more time, Hermione stops trying so hard to fix things and starts making excuses. She tells herself that there's nothing to fix. If Ron misses dinner it's because he couldn't get away from work. If she wakes up in the middle of the night and there's no one beside her, she tells herself that Ron is just getting a glass of water and she falls back asleep.
-I know, but I still believe in ignorance as my best defense-
Every so often, Hermione tries to talk with Ron about the fact that they hardly saw each other anymore, that they hardly talked anymore, but Ron brushes it off with a casual wave of his hand, he tells her that she is imagining things. He tells her that he is swamped at work, that he really tries to get home quickly and would she please leave him be and let him get some rest?
Hermione also talks with Ginny when Ron isn't around and she knows that Ginny and Harry aren't having the same problems. Hermione sits up by the fire talking with her friend and then Ginny says that Harry has just walked in and that they could talk again after dinner. There is always a bright smile on her face. And Hermione sits and watches the vacant flames, very aware of the fact that Ron has not just walked in and the two of them are not sitting down to dinner.
Ron becomes more and more distant, seeming to avoid coming home and Hermione turns toward her work, burying herself in research and notes and files to turn in to her supervisor. When they are home together, Ron is very defensive over little things and Hermione is tense and teary and prone to storming off and Ron then storms off in the other direction in confusion and frustration. Hermione feels as though any time she talks to Ron, both of them fall apart a little more and the gap between them grows.
-So go on, wreck me
Funny how I carry on and not be taken over
Will not roll over on anyone
'Cause anyone would stand up on my side-
Not to mention that it is becoming increasingly apparent to their friends that something isn't right between them. Hermione begins to see less of the people she cares about, even Harry and Ginny, until the walls of their flat seem to close in around her and shut out the world outside. The windows didn't seem to let in as much light and the air felt cold and dry.
Everything becomes unbearable.
Sometimes Hermione feels like she hasn't used her voice in ages. She and Ron sit in silence.
She is also quicker to tears now than she has ever been in her life. She sits and looks at the walls around her and she sees nothing but dusty pictures of a brown haired girl and blue eyed boy that she doesn't know any more but that she misses terribly. Magazines and empty cigarette cartons litter the coffee table. She can't seem to pin down the exact moment when Ron started smoking but she remembers very clearly the first time she saw him with a cigarette in his hand. It was as if she were looking at a complete stranger. She didn't know that man at all.
More and more often, she finds herself staring at the front door.
This isn't how her life is supposed to be. She is supposed to live happily ever after with the love of her life. And no, things wouldn't be perfect, but as long as Hermione Granger was in love with Ron Weasley and he was in love with her, life could do no harm. The trouble is, she doesn't know where Ron Weasley has gone. She doesn't know who this different, cold, tired man stalking about is. She can't find Ron.
Somehow the life she had seen so clearly had slipped through her fingers.
-You know it's funny how sometimes it don't work out like you want to
No, you never got nothing at all-
Ron doesn't how long it's been since he was happy.
He has been living in an unhappy state for so long that he feels like he is drowning. He can't work, he can't go home, he can't go out. He can't go anywhere, he is trapped, cornered. He is being held at wand-point and can do nothing about it.
What had gone wrong that he is now so miserable? He needs a break, an exit, some sleep. His eyes are sore and his limbs drag. He hurts all over.
He gets back to the flat late one night, closes all the curtains in the bedroom and collapses onto the bed, letting the dark soothe his tired head. He lies like that until the front door clicks open and there are soft familiar footsteps heading towards the room. He doesn't look up to see Hermione standing in the doorway, a look of resignation on her face and her eyes slightly red and puffy. She crosses her arms and leans against the doorframe and watches him for a moment. Somehow, the silence becomes very tangible and Ron rolls over and sits up and looks into the eyes of the girl in front of him.
Neither of them say anything for a moment, but Ron knows that this moment is somehow very important. He waits, but says nothing. He just watches her, almost impassively.
-Then she tells you that it's over,
Boy don't you hate it when it's over
I guess something just got lost,
And it deeply saddens me-
Ron will always remember the look in her eyes when Hermione says it. She has tears slowly making their way down her cheeks and there is a regretful smile on her lips. Her voice is anything but firm. More tears pour down her face. He merely looks at her, memorizing her.
He doesn't realize what he is doing when he stands up and walks over to her, looks down into her eyes and then walks past her out onto their little balcony for some fresh air. He suddenly feels as though he couldn't breathe for sadness.
But he revels in it. Ron knows he hasn't felt anything in a long time.
Ron watches as Hermione straightens up, walks resolutely over to the closet, and pulls out her old Hogwarts trunk. Ron's is right next to it and suddnely Ron is overcome with memories of times that were immeasurably happier than he feels right now. He has never missed Hogwarts so much.
He remembers the notes she would take in class while he would doodle all over his. He would play hangman with Harry and look up in-between turns to grin at her. She would give him a stern look but when he turned back to the game he could catch her smile down at her parchment and watch as a pink blush would creep into her cheeks, warming them up.
Now, her cheeks look cold from the thick tears rolling down in familiar patterns.
Ron knows that Hermione's trunk, like his, it still filled with old textbooks and notes and quills and even old sets of robes. He never did get around to clearing his out, and neither did she. Maybe they had never really been ready to move on from their school days, maybe they are not ready for this life.
Well, Ron thinks, they had proved that, hadn't they? Everything had been royally screwed.
AN- This is a rewrite- much better than the original I think. It's going to be three parts (each one corresponding to a different Matchbox Twenty song), a sort of extended oneshot.
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