A/N: I'm going to apologize in advance to any and all Kaidan fans. XD
Warnings: This is TOTAL crack. So if you even think about trying to take it seriously, stop being so serious. Seriously.
Disclaimer: Too crazy to own it, too lazy to try. So don't sue!
The Secret Diary of Commander Shepard
[Mass Effect 1]
Entry # 1 0900 hours: Uuuuhhhgggg I hate waiting between missions. I swear if this FTL shit were any slower, turtles could race us to the damn finish line. I mean look at me. I'm writing a damn personal journal for god's sake.
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Entry #2 0901 hours: Yep still bored. And oh look at that it's been a minute.
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Entry #3 0916 hours: Talked to Kaidan. Wow. That was enlightening. He has such interesting things to say. NOT. Christ I've never met someone as boring as he is! Guuuuuhhh why does he have to be under my command . . . .?
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Entry #4 1930 hours: WOW. So Eden Prime was a fucking failure all over the fucking place I'm so angry GAAAAAAAHHHHHH! What the hell is wrong with my life?!
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Entry #5 1931 hours: On the plus side, we picked up a totally kick ass commando chick. Ashley Williams. At least she's more interesting to talk to than Kaidan. *Facedesk*
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Entry #6 1321 hours: No . . . words . . . the Council . . . FUCK!
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Entry #7 1321 hours: Let's try this again. The Council and Saren and they innocent . . . . nope I still got nothing. I'm done. I'm done like burnt toast. Or like done like a burnt marshmallow. Damn now I'm hungry. Which means I have to go the mess hall which means I have to survive another conversation with Kaidain. Ugh. Is it overreacting to think suicide is better than conversations with him?
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Entry #8 2141 hours: So Garrus is awesome. I have just a tiny platonic crush on him. I mean that boy can snipe! DAMN!
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Entry #9 2143 hours: Oh and Wrex is pretty terrifying, but also cool. And Tali is sweet. I don't know why, but I've always had a soft spot for quarians.
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Entry #10 2359 hours: Uuuuuuhhhhhhgggggg can't sleeeeeeeeeeep. We're on our way to find Benezia's daughter. I mean Benezia. She's like . . . in bed with Saren. And this is her daughter. Bad idea much?
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Entry #11 1316 hours: Ooooooooooh my GAWD. Liara is sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo fucking ADORABLE. And beautiful. And awkward and adorable and cute and OMG I JUST WANT TO HUG HER INTO OBLIVION!
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Entry #12 2045 hours: OMG if Admiral Hackett gives me one more fucking "side mission" (as I've decided to start calling them), I'm going to [OMITTED]. Yeah I probably shouldn't write that down. That's how people get demoted. Or court marshaled. Or fired.
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Entry #13 2140 hours: I'm going to NUGGET PUNCH Kaidan if he so much as thinks about hitting on Liara. After surviving another horribly boring conversation, he told me he thinks she's cute. I'll kill him. I saw her first. Seriously. Going. To. Kill. Him.
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Entry #14 1329 hours: Oh my gosh. Liara is so cute. Like I can't even tell you. I mean I can because this is my fucking diary, but I can't even . . . damn. She just confessed she's a virgin and that she has feel goods for me and I have such good feel goods for her and OMG. TT^TT
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Entry #15 2331 hours: Liara is soooo sad! We had to kill her mom and it was horrible! I am so going to kick Saren's ass into the next century for this. I wonder if I could shnuggle Liara tonight. Think she'd let me? I think I'm going to go for it. She needs someone to take care of her after our horrible ordeal today.
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Entry #16 0917 hours: Okay TOTALLY worth the risk! I went to Liara's room to ask if she was okay and I spent the night! Nothing happened, we just shnuggled the night away and it was so sweet! TT^TT
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Entry #17 1521 hours: Holy. Shit. Well Virmire was officially the worst mission ever. Wrex freaked out and I thought for a second I would have to kill him and I would have been so sad! He's so adorable! Seriously, I would cry so hard if I had to kill him! On the plus side, Kaidan's dead. Can't say I feel too bad about that. I mean I had to choose between him and Ashley, there really wasn't time to save both. Had to save Ash. She knows not to hit on my woman. Unlike Kaidan. Which is why he's dead.
Entry #18 1325 hours: Commander Shepard is a poopy head.
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Entry #19 1652 hours: What the fuck?! Who the hell got into my journal?! Garrus, if that was you, I swear I will rip your testicles out through your anus. Now I'm gonna have to password protect the shit out of my journal now. What a pain. And I always forget passwords. -_-
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LOG IN ATTEMPTED 2315 HOURS PASSWORD "LIARA TITS" INCORRECT
LOG IN ATTEMPTED 2316 HOURS PASSWORD "BLUE TITS" INCORRECT
LOG IN ATTEMPTED 2317 HOURS PASSWORD "BLUE LIARA VAJAJAY TITS" INCORRECT
Entry # 20 0900 hours: Who the hell keeps trying to get into my journal? I'll kick your ass when I find out! Anyway. So the Council grounded the Normandy today after all we did for them. So fuck my life.
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Entry #21 0842 hours: Uuuuuggghhhhh Liara almost kissed me! GGGRRRR WHY DID JOKER HAVE TO INTERRUPT US?! Doesn't anyone in this damn galaxy understand how much I need some damn nooky?!
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LOG IN ATTEMPTED 2452 HOURS PASSWORD "TITSLIARATITS" INCORRECT
Entry #22 1531 hours: So we just busted our bad selves off the Citadel. Anderson is officially Badass Mcbadass. So now we're on our way to Ilos to probably die. Yay. I'm going to die a fucking virgin. TT^TT
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Entry #23 0300 hours: YYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY I'M NOT GOING TO DIE A VIRGIN! And neither is Liara bow chicka wow wow! Holy . . . shit . . . it was so beautiful. TT^TT We went at it FIVE times. Five. That has to be some kind of record. She is apparently insatiable. So ya'll can bet your booty I'm going to survive this damn mission. Now that I know what I've been missing, I think I'm just going to lock Liara in my room and have sex into oblivion when this mission is over. Seriously it was so amazing! TT^TT
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THE END
(Coming soon: Chapter two covers Mass Effect 2)