Implied Sirius x James | Harry Potter | PG | During OotP
Disclaimer: Don't own Sirius or James or Lupin or Harry Potter and what not. Don't claim to own them, etc. etc.
I don't know how many more times I'm going to have to do this; this enduring of torture. I don't know how much more of this I can take. I don't know what I'm hoping for either – I know damned well who he is! But it's really is easy to forget that. I can forget reality, forget him, forget me, forget everything so fast that it's almost unearthly. And when I do force myself to not recall, then I have him back. I have James back.
It's painful to look at Harry these days. Well, it would be painful, but most of the time I've forced myself into a sort of half-stupor and I don't know if it's Harry or Prongs standing at my side and I bloody well don't care. I see James in that boy as clear as day. Everyone else does too, but it's not the same as what I feel.
Maybe it's just wishful thinking on my part. How I'd love to have that old dolt at my side again in detention, joking about anything and everything in the world. I'd love to see him stuffing his face with chocolate as an excuse to cure an injury. James and his dopey grin and his raggedy hair that I'll be damned if ever got to lie flat.
I'll be perfectly honest with you – I do miss him. I think I miss that bloke more than anything in the world. And I still think it's my fault that James and poor Lily died. Remus isn't much help either. I don't know what's wrong with him these days. He won't even spare me much of a sympathetic grin. Perhaps I came on too hard with him. Literally.
Now, now Black, don't go treading there again.
…In any case, I can't take it anymore. It's just torture to see Harry. I see him and I see James. Maybe I'm a little off my rocker these days – being alone so much can do that to a man. Or maybe it was my years in Azkaban that did this to me. But no, I think this longing has been with me all my life. Missing James, needing James, wanting James even when he was right there beside me.
If I could have one thing back; if I could trade my life for any one thing… I wouldn't ask for Harry's safety. I won't lie. As much as I like the kid, I wouldn't wish for his safety. It sure as hell wouldn't have to do with anything about Voldemort or the bloody Order, either. To hell with that for all I care. I just want James back.
I just want James back…