Disclaimer: I do not own Merlin or any of the characters. Contains spoilers for series 3 so if you haven't seen and don't want to know, don't read! Contains some swearing and sexual themes.
50 Ways to Annoy Gwen series 3
Tell her that wearing that fur ensemble was not a good look. In fact, it looked like a wolf had died on her shoulder.
Take to calling her Esmeralda.
For added effect, after 2) refer to Gwen as Esmeralda in front of Arthur when she is present. Tell her it's Gwaine's pet name for her (make this sound as romantic as possible) and pretend to look surprised that Arthur didn't know.
Wait until she brings the men into conversation, and then sigh loudly and say "Merlin, Arthur, Gwaine, Lancelot…you're just the whore of Camelot, aren't you Gwen?"
Refer to her as Arthur's bitch.
Make farting noises whenever she enters a room.
For added effect, start referring to her as "Gassy Gwen" whenever you're talking about her to others.
Demand she be arrested and tried for forcing one of the knights to cross-dress against his will.
Tell her she'd never be the Queen of Camelot, the crown wouldn't fit her fat head.
Tell her Arthur's decided to marry Princess Elena because she's prettier.
Tell Arthur she wants to have an orgy with him and the Knights of the Round Table.
For added effect, after 11) slip her a magic potion shortly before she is due to sit with him and the knights at the table that will have her involuntarily making erotic noises.
Cough the words "gold-digger" and "social climber" whenever you see her and Arthur being romantic.
Run up to her and exclaim "Oh my God, Gwen I just realised that Morgana's now totally evil!" Then change to a sarcastic tone and add "Oh wait, I already knew that, and so did the rest of Camelot, because it's so frigging obvious!"
Comment on how odd it is that she never mentioned that she had a brother until he unexpectedly showed up.
Accuse her of witchcraft in front of Uther.
Ask her if she's picked out her royal dresses and jewels yet in front of Arthur.
Call her house a dump.
Point out that she wouldn't get kidnapped and threatened so much if she bothered to lock her door.
Comment on how clichéd a picnic is for a date.
Tell Arthur that she preferred him with the donkey ears.
Tell her that Arthur has asked her to be bridesmaid at his wedding to Princess Elena.
Tell her to stop playing so hard to get with Arthur when she's already snogged Merlin and Lancelot anyway and therefore must be an easy woman.
Embroider the words "witch" "future queen" and "slag" over her dresses.
Say to her "You know, Gwen, Merlin's got a dragon, Arthur's got a sword, Morgana's got kick ass evil powers…what have you got exactly?"
Draw a giant red cross on her front door.
Overwater all her flowers.
Let her overhear you telling someone that Arthur hates girls with dark hair because he always thinks it looks lanky and like straw.
Dust her underwear with itching powder.
Bound up to her when she's with a large group of people and say "So Gwen, how do you feel about girls who only exist to serve as a love interest for the boys?"
Sit down at a campfire and mimic her bragging about being a blacksmith's daughter while making a fire, exaggerating everything.
Ask her if there's a correlation between her annoying speeches to Arthur and her dresses getting prettier – i.e. the speeches become more frequent as the dresses get prettier.
Have the crew put on a performance of Harry Potter and cast her as "Ginny: the annoying love interest nobody likes".
Tell her Morgana had a premonition about her being crowned Queen of Camelot. And in it, she fell over in the aisle, her dress rode right up and every saw her knickers.
Tell her it's really unsubtle the way she wears those corsets so her cleavage spills out. But, hey, if she wants Arthur and all his knights ogling her and leering, she can go right ahead.
Imitate her poor lying with hand to forehand and weak girly voice – "I fear I am sickening…with a fever!"
Observe how when Arthur tells Gwen what he would do if he wasn't a prince, he doesn't mention her in his plans once. But he mentions Merlin.
Tell every guy you meet Gwen loves being kiss attacked.
Observe that she's been accused twice of being a witch. Then observe that her nose is rather large…and crooked.
Tell her pastel blue makes her look fat. As does pastel pink.
Whenever she starts talking about watching Arthur grow into the king Camelot deserves, start making loud barfing noises.
When you next see her with Arthur, go up to her, gaze at her stomach lovingly and say "So, when's it due?" Look horrified when Arthur looks confused and say "What, you didn't know?"
For added effect, then proceed to make out the imaginary baby is Lancelot's.
When next in the throne room with everyone present, say "Everyone knows you have to sleep your way to the top. Isn't that right, Gwen?"
Make holes in the bottom of all her wicker baskets.
Quietly take Gwen aside and tell her she should consider siding with Morgana because she could use her magical powers to make Gwen pretty.
Give her a box, telling her it's a present from Arthur. When she opens it a manticore will jump out at her face.
For added effect, after 47) tell her Arthur said it was the only thing he'd seen that was as beautiful as her. Make sure it's the ugliest manticore you could find.
Tell her the gooey eyes she makes at Arthur are sick inducing.
Congratulate her on her unique ability at being kidnapped every five minutes.