Birthdays.
Chloe Jane Decker hated Birthdays.
Was it another year of each day dragging, each day the same as the other?
How many arrests had there been this year?
How many more bodies were there on the pile?
How many more lives had been wasted by senseless violence?
Just how pointless was this existence exactly?
Dawn. The sun rose again just like normal, breaking through on another Los Angeles day and she was awake early. Again. Four thirty every damn morning on the dot since he left. A day of rest on Sunday perhaps; it was Sunday after all wasn't it? Oh, no not for Chloe Decker. It was as though her mind was at war with her body and how she had lived with this tension as it stuck its claws into every bone and sinew she would never know. Stumbling was perhaps the right word. Working all hours that were sent to her so she was occupied with something except thinking of what might have been; what could have been. Even though he had been there, spun around in her chair she remembered one day whilst she was distracted, work felt like a haven now. It was where she felt close to him and she craved being here. Most of the time.
Dawn. Sitting in the parking lot of the station. A dull hum of something classical on the radio playing endlessly – she had found ironically the tones of the piano calmed her now - and a breakfast burrito that was turning her stomach in knots sitting glaring at her on the passenger seat where she had put it and left it. It had been a good idea at the time, even if she was having to force herself to eat. It was worse in those moments of inoccupation when all the world around her was getting on with their lives and she was staggering and falling. If it wasn't for Trixie, well what exactly did she have left? Dan had moved on now. At least he had been honest with her about Ella and they seemed settled. She was pleased he was happy after Charlotte. She was. It was time that they all tried to make peace with the past. Trouble was, Chloe Decker had no idea where to start on this quest even almost a year on. No idea at all as she hung onto maybes.
Dawn. She'd seemed to have remembered that he told her that time moved more slowly in Hell. However bad it was for her she supposed his days were longer, nights interminable and this place he was in? Oh how she wished she could see it, then her mind would stop thinking of flames and ash, wondering if he had somewhere comfortable to sleep; what he ate. It was silly, she knew. Just one glimpse of how he lived and it might calm that niggle of the unknown. Just to hear his voice, see a smile. Just once and that black cloud on her back might lift. Perhaps it might.
Dawn. Why had she let her mother take Trixie for two weeks? Of course, yes, to stop the incessant, belligerent complaints. She wished it had been her daughter – she could justify it of an almost 12 year old - but it was her mother moaning that she never saw her only grandchild. Complaining that her daughter looked tired, ill, run down, every expression she could think of to pick at her and beat at her self esteem even more. She was struggling as it was but could she really tell her mother that she had fallen in love with the Devil himself? No that was what Linda was for. Her mother would think she needed committing. Constantly expecting her to simply hand over her daughter to a women who at best had been questionable herself. In the event, any fight left, Chloe had given up and yesterday evening she waved her daughter off.
"It will be okay Mommy. I promise" the youngster had smiled. "I'll make sure Nana's alright".
Chloe smiled at her daughter's words. Yes it would be alright, because Trixie would come back in two weeks. She knew when two weeks ended – it was five days after her birthday. When it started and when it ended. That goodbye had no end to it and she was stuck, floating in nothingness, painting on a face until, every Wednesday, she would see Linda and her heart would break all over again. The poor woman must have thought she had her hardest case to crack. Chloe had hoped that by now, so many weeks and months later, that she might not have to find herself driving to the therapist's office once a week, sometimes more, but it truly felt as she had lost her way back. On the outside, Detective Chloe Decker functioned as the officer that she was. It was just Chloe Decker, the human being, that had no idea where to turn.
Her excuses for her partner's absence were getting thinner by the week too. It was fine at first.
"Oh, he has had to go back home. Family problems".
"Family problems, still going on unfortunately. Might be a while longer".
People stopped asking one day. Even Amenediel, who would bring Charlie to see her, had found it uncomfortable with the looks and stares. If there were family problems, why was one brother here and not the other? Instead, she saw him at home and these visits had been such a comfort to her.
"He is your nephew Chloe" Linda had said one day as she held the little boy's hands as he wobbled on increasingly stronger legs. He wasn't. May never be but Chloe knew why Linda was doing it and she was truly grateful. Her only link to Lucifer who would sit on her knee and giggle in his innocence of the world. Those little hands that would touch her face and snuggle close to her chest. At least with Linda, Amenedial and Maze, they all knew the truth and could share her pain. They had been just as devastated as she had been and Maze's fury at being left behind was a picture in itself.
Now as another day opened up in front of her and with no distractions at home, Chloe got out of the car, launched the frankly disgusting looking burrito in the nearest trash can and headed to the door.
As she made her way towards her desk she had forgotten about this station 'tradition' and the moment she saw the cacophony of pink balloons, banners, sparkles and tinsel that decorated her desk, her heart sank. Trixie would have loved it. She, however, felt her stomach flip again. Maybe she should have eaten that burrito. Actually, no. It might have made an unceremonious revisit as her insides lurched at the sight and thought of it. There was just dollar-a-time-tat everywhere, but deep down, she was still grateful people cared.
A banner across the edge of her desk screamed 'Happy Birthday' in every loud colour under the sun and a cup of coffee was sitting on a file. That was Dan. It was always Dan now that topped up her coffee supply and he was walking across.
"Happy Early Birthday!" he offered going to hug her but stopping when was met with a tired scowl. "Come on Chlo, you know the place by now. Two weeks of sitting at your desk surrounding by an incessant reminder of just how old we are all getting..." he joked until he saw her face again. "Yes, okay, I see your point".
He sat down opposite her as she flipped on her computer. Dan was not soft, not stupid enough to see his ex-wife was struggling since Lucifer left. Part of him had been angry when Maze had brought her home, shaking and shivering from a night asleep on the balcony of the penthouse, but as time had moved on Dan had come to realise the impact that Lucifer had had on their lives, good or bad. He had never known how close Chloe had been to him but he even had to admit he missed some of the quips and the ridiculousness that followed the former owner of Lux around. Still though, he did not trust him and a devilish corner resolved that he was glad he was gone. He seemed to be gone, he corrected himself. He might just turn up again like those times before. The proverbial bad penny.
"So anything new today?" Chloe asked, desperate to get on. She pulled her hair behind her ears, quickly wrapping it up into a messy bun and she saw him nod.
"There's been a fire just off the San Diego Freeway. The gatehouse to the cemetary went up in flames about 1 am. Petrol bomb they think".
"That's nothing to do with us" she interrupted, taking a sip of still hot coffee. That was another thing. A short fuse, except it rolled off Dan's shoulders like water. He knew she could get snippy when she was worried. He had seen it too many times already, long long before Lucifer so it went in one ear and out of the other.
"It is our business when there was a body inside the gatehouse that had an ice axe in the back of its neck" Dan replied bluntly.
"Ah" she replied, a half smile on her face, wrapping her hands around the coffee cup.
"We can't go down until the Fire Service have secured the building; made it safe", he replied. They would get the nod soon enough. He shifted forward in his seat, managing to avoid the banner against his knee. "So have you decided what you are doing for your birthday?"
"Nothing", Chloe replied almost as though it was stupid question. No, it was an incredibly stupid question.
"Its not every day you creep closer to 40...It'll be the big one soon enough" he smiled, teasing her and trying to raise her mood. Her face was still like thunder but he pressed on. "You have to do something Chlo".
"You sound like Trixie" she noted. "No I don't. I don't have to do anything". It was just another day after all. Night would still roll into daylight and back again. It was still another day feeling hollow.
"A word of warning then" he whispered, taking a glance around. "Ella mentioned a night out. You, her, Linda". Chloe sighed and she slumped back in her chair. Her face was crushed into a frown. "I'm just warning you so you can think up something to excuse yourself", he said.
"I can't. I can't use work. Ella would know. Trixie is with Mom". She paused for a second. "I can't say no. They are my friends after all and I know..."She stopped and breathed. "I know they are doing just to try to cheer me up but Dan, I really don't know if I can do it".
"What harm will it do?" he asked. "One night out. A few hours. You might enjoy it" he said, a colleague handing a file to him as they walked past.
"It won't do any 'harm' Dan!" she spat,keeping her voice low as the station was starting to fill up for the day. "I just...I just don't have the energy or the will to parade around clubs with all that noise and fuss around me." I'm not worth it, surely you of all people can see that? I don't even want to go to a restaurant or even the cinema. Even sitting in silence; everything is too much. Even a few people at home seemed out of the question.
"Well think about it or think of an excuse quick!" he offered, the file open in his hands that he had briefly scanned. "Come on. Fire Service are all fixed up. Job to do".
Chloe got up and left her pink sparkly home behind for a few hours of distractions. She hoped.