from the mountain climbing journal of Jim Duchene
Day One
Just arrived at base camp.
It's pretty nice here, but I should leave for the summit as soon as I can. I didn't come here to dawdle. The other climbers are friendly and the females are prettier than I thought they would be.
"Hello, handsome," a cute one says.
Hmm...she seems fairly hairless.
Maybe I'll hang around a while.
Day 126
Still at base camp.
Will make my ascent to the top of the world any day now. At least that's what I'm telling anybody who will listen.
Day 128
Still at base camp.
Ran out of food months ago. Getting by on the generosity, kindness, and gullibility of the other mountain climbers.
Suckers!
Day 134
Still at base camp.
Having plenty of sex with the female mountain climbers. The ones about to go up are excited by their mistaken assumption that I've already "touched the sky" and are more than happy to "reward" me.
The ones coming down are too tired to say no.
Day 157
Still at base camp.
Have been made an honorary Sherpa. They gave me the name "Shi-nook," or "He Who Will Not Leave."
Day 159
Still at base camp.
Lost the walking stick Bernie & Sid gave me. I feel like crying.
"Why don't you make your climb?" a nosy climber asked me.
"Why don't you mind your own business?" I asked him back.
"How about I don't?"
"How about I see how far I can shove this walking stick up your ass?"
I am filled with remorse.
But at least I'm not filled with a walking stick.
Day 164
Decided to immediately leave and make my ascent to the summit.
Who knew there were police on Mount Everest?
Day 164 (continued)
It's creepy, and very surreal, to pass the bodies of those poor climbers who have frozen to death on this mountain. I've discovered that if you break through the thick shell of ice covering them, you can reach in and steal their wallets.
Day 164 (continued)
At The Top Of The World!
Climbing Mount Everest is the hardest thing I've ever done. Unless you want to count that time I lost a bet and had to have sex with that fat black girl in college. What was her name again?
Oh, yeah... Oprah.
Day 164 (continued)
Back at base camp.
So are the police.
"Are you Jim Duchene?"
"No."
"Can I see some ID?"
I grab one of the many wallets I had collected, and hand it over.
The officer in charge removes the ID and studies it.
"You are... Ryuichi Sakamoto?" he asks me, studying my round eyes.
"Yes," I tell him. "Yes, I am."
Day 164 (continued)
"Do you know where Jim Duchene is?" the police officer wants to know.
"The last time I saw him, he was frozen to the side of the mountain," I tell him.
Day 164 (continued)
"What's that?" I ask the police officer, seeing something familiar in the back of his all-terrain police vehicle.
"Evidence," he answers, simply.
"I'll give you twenty bucks for it," I tell him.
"Deal," he says.
And that's how I get my walking stick back.
Day 164 (continued)
Leaving base camp.
Well, it seems the time has come for me to leave Mount Everest, but I am still dead tired. I decide to get a good night's sleep and leave the next day. The cots are all taken, so I lay my sleeping bag on the ground and get in.
"Excuse me, Mr. Sakamoto," a cute female climber says, approaching me. "Did you just get back from the summit?"
I tell her I did.
"That's so exciting," she says, and climbs into my sleeping bag with me.
Hmm... she seems fairly hairless.
Maybe I'll hang around a while.
-this was a true story-