Remember: Everything Changes

Warning: Spoilers for season six through ep. 7, "Family Matters".

I had a strong desire to write about Dean's perspective after writing about Sam's, and here it is. I'm not quite as happy with this one as I ended up being with Sam's, but I hope it sums things up well. Or something. Anyway, enjoy!

Dean remembers everything there is to know about Sam.

How could he not? He's known the kid for his entire life, though lately there are only a few memories that stand out from the rest; hugging Sam so tightly after making that Deal to bring him back to life; the look on Sam's face when he took control of his body back from Lucifer and sacrificed his life to stop the Apocalypse. Dean knows that Sam would tell him that he saved him, but it's so hard to believe that when his brother is stuck in Hell for the rest of eternity and he promised to never try to find a way to get him out.

Lisa took him in, allowed him to get to know Ben, to learn how to be a father. It was almost funny, the day Dean realized he already knew how because he took care of Sam when Dad wasn't there. And really, Ben isn't his but he's so much like Dean that he makes it easy for Dean to be a part of this family.

Dean doesn't want to remember the past, but it's everywhere. It's in the way he cuts wood at his construction job because he chopped off a vamp's head in much the same way. It's in the way he teaches Ben about cars and engines because he did the same for Sam. It's in the way he shares a beer with Sid because he and Sam shared so many. Sam was everywhere and nowhere, and Dean knew he couldn't keep his promise.

The book collection he's gathered is pretty sizable, especially given how much Dean used to hate carting books around. He never puts them anywhere Lisa or Ben can find them, because they don't need to know that Dean wants his brother alive more than anything else in the world. If only there was a way, any way that Dean could go back in time and change the past…

Then Dean discovers that Sam's been alive this whole time, and everything changes.

At first, he's Sam. He's the little brother Dean thought was gone forever, but he left Dean out of the loop, never told him he was alive. Bobby even knows, and Dean is hurt by Sam's response to learning about the research, the desperation to bring Sam back. "You promised me you wouldn't."

"Yeah, well I lied!"

It isn't until Sam turns up with a shapeshifter baby that Dean begins to notice that something's off. It isn't in Sam's responses or in his expressions, but in the way he seems to use the poor baby as bait to try and catch the alpha shapeshifter. Sam tells Dean he wasn't doing anything like that, but Dean isn't entirely certain he believes him.

Then there's the fact that their grandfather is alive when Dean knows for a fact the man died back in 1973 on the day their mom made that Deal with Yellow-Eyes. Why is Samuel alive again? Why is it only now that Dean learns how long the Campbell line of Hunters goes back? It's not that he doesn't want to trust these people, this family, but he just can't.

Can he trust Sam? The question is familiar and just as unwanted as it was in the past.

Lisa tells Dean to go back to Hunting with Sam, but to come back home when he can to see her and Ben. Dean isn't sure it'll work, but if Lisa's willing to try it, then he'll try, too.

Eventually, Dean begins to notice other things that are different about Sam. He watches him just break down the door of an officer rather than trying to knock again and reason with the man. Then he sees how Sam allows Castiel to essentially torture a child to try and learn how he managed to get a part of the Staff of Moses. He tries to talk to Sam about his experience in the Cage, asking him if he remembers Hell, but Sam won't say more than yes, he remembers. He says he's fine, and since he never has nightmares in the middle of the night that wake him up, Dean's slightly inclined to believe him. But only slightly. It just doesn't fit in with the things he knows about his little brother. Sam should be having nightmares, even a year after the fact. Sam's just always been prone to them like that.

Dean remembers everything there is to remember about his little brother.

During their Hunt for a Lamia, Dean begins to see other things that aren't like the Sam he practically raised. Sam's never eaten as much as him, always preferring healthy foods over greasy cheeseburgers, but lately it seems the guy rarely eats more than once a day. He wakes up early one morning to see his brother doing a full-on workout, the kind that John Winchester would've been proud of. And lately, there's something about his eyes. Dean can't tell what it is, but they're different, too. He tries to talk to Bobby, but the man is currently in the middle of trying to get his soul back from Crowley and needs help, so thoughts about Sam are put on the backburner.

Then Sam stands back and lets him get turned by a vampire, he almost hurts Lisa and Ben, and Sam's heart rate never races in fear or panic. Not once.

It's not his brother.

Bobby doesn't seem to believe him, but he's willing to do research to try and figure out what's wrong with Sam, because something is not right with the kid. Not at all. He watches Sam call out a girl for lying without a single trace of sympathy or understanding in his eyes. In fact, they only seem focused on the facts and nothing else.

Dean's skin is crawling at the idea of being around Sam. If it is Sam.

But then he asks for the truth, starts getting it and Sam convinces him that he didn't let him get turned. It doesn't seem to fit with Sam's terminator stamina and attitude to just freeze up, but Sam can't lie and so Dean believes him.

"You're lying," Veritas suddenly says in the creepy basement of her current home, and Dean's heart stops.

He was right. It's not Sam.

They manage to kill the Goddess of Truth and Dean holds out a knife threateningly. How can this thing act so much like his brother, have the same facials expressions and tone of voice, and not be his Sam?

Finally, Sam admits to everything. Letting him get turned because he knew Samuel had a cure. Feeling nothing about the fact that Dean could've hurt Ben, because he doesn't feel anything, isn't scared of anything anymore.

Something's very, very wrong with the man before him. And Dean would know, because he remembers everything about Sam. Dean's angrier than he's ever been, and it isn't until Sam's face is bloody and the guy's unconscious that Dean is able to take a step back and try to reign in his emotions.

It doesn't work too well. Sam lied to him.

Castiel comes when he calls and starts questioning Sam. Who in God's name doesn't sleep? Why is it that Sam feels physical sensations but no emotional ones?

"It's his soul," Castiel says after searching Sam the same way as that child weeks earlier, staring at him with a faint frown and a sad glimmer in his blue eyes. "It's gone."

Sam's soul is gone. It's still in the Cage. It's been there for over a year now, far longer than Dean's time in Hell. And Cas can't get it back. He doesn't know of anything powerful enough to bring back Sam's body, but not his little brother.

Shit.

It isn't until they learn that Crowley's the King of Hell and attained the mojo to take Sam's body out of the Cage that Dean begins to really understand how the world has changed without him. Hunters working for a damned demon? How did things get so screwed up?

And then he remembers. Sam stopped the Apocalypse.

Crowley tells Dean he'll give Sam his soul back if they bag him another living alpha. Dean wants his little brother back, really, he does, but working for a demon? Wasn't it bad enough dealing with Crowley and the Colt, or Crowley and the location of Death? What gave him the right to resurrect a long-dead man, make a Deal and pull Sam out of the Cage while leaving Sammy behind?

Dean doesn't want to work for Crowley in hopes that maybe the twisted demon'll be nice and just hand over his brother's soul in exchange for a stupid alpha. What demon ever holds to their words? It took threatening to torch the demon's bones before he gave up possession of Bobby's soul. Why would handing over an alpha be good enough?

Sam tells Dean they don't have much choice in the matter, says they should go along with this for now until they find some other way to get his soul back. Dean wants to believe him, he does, but Sam's soul holds his brother's moral compass and emotional instinct, not the body in front of him. He doesn't think there's another way; he probably thinks he's gonna do whatever Crowley tells him to until he gets his soul back.

As much as he hates it, Dean knows that he can't let Sam out of his sight. He doesn't trust him but Dean's the only person alive who can keep the kid in check now. Sam's already proven that much by choosing to stay with him and let him call the shots.

The Sam that Dean is standing next to isn't right, won't be right until the part that makes him Sammy is reunited with his body. Dean remembers everything about Sam and he knows that he's gonna save his little brother again. What else are big brothers for, right?

END