Disclaimer: I own nothing, though I wish I owned Johnny Depp and Animal the Muppet. Alas, I do not, but I will someday! Muahahahahahahaha!
When You're A Professional Pirate…
A musical number by Captain Jack Sparrow and Crew
Jack, Will, and the rather questionable able-bodied crew have anchored their ship just off shore of a small island and gone to the beach to make camp. Will does not trust the crew, or Jack for that matter, and when Jack asks him to join them in sailing the seven seas, boldly going where no man has gone before, leave his blacksmith shop behind and forget all about Elizabeth , he was outraged!
"Join you?" Will asks Jack incredulously, "You're nothing but a bunch of murdering pirates!" Jack looks angry and seems as if he might gully Will where he stands. Then he leans his head back and laughs insanely, and all the crew join in. "Nothing but murdering pirates?" he asks through his laughter, then suddenly grows deadly serious, all humor gone from his face. "Oh, Will," Jack says, leaning in closer and lowering his voice, "If that's what you're thinking, you're dead… wrong!" He then stands up, and the able-bodied crew do the same.
"Lad," he says to his young friend, "Let me tell you what being a pirate's all about!" The captain then begins to do an odd side-stepping kind of dance, while the others dance strangely and randomly behind him. Then he starts to sing, with the crew humming along as background harmony.
"When I was just a lad,
looking for my true vocation,
my father said 'Now, son,
this choice deserves deliberation!
Though you could be a doctor,
or perhaps a financier,
my boy, why not consider a more challenging career?!'"
Now the crew started singing, and they formed a can-can line behind him as well!
"Hey, ho, ho!
You'll cruise to foreign shores!
And you'll keep your mind and body sound by working out of doors!"
Jack now sings again,
"True friendship and adventure are what we can't live without!"
The crew joins in, doing a Mexican hat dance complete with castanets,
"And when you're a professional pirate…"
Mr. Cotton's parrot sings,
"That's what the job's about! Squawk!"
Jack takes off his hat and places it over his heart in respect before he continues, while the humming crewriver dances behind him,
"Now take Sir Francis Drake,
the Spanish all despise him!
But to the British he's a hero, and they idolize him!
It's how you look at buccaneers that makes them bad or good.
And I see us as members of a noble brotherhood!"
The crew now starts todo the Russian hatdance as they sing this time,
"Hey, ho, ho!
We're honorable men.
And before we lose our tempers we will always count to ten!"
Jack adds in,
"On occasion, there may be someone you have to execute!"
He makes a cutting motion across his throat and rolls his eyes. A man standing next to him falls over dead with a knife sticking out of his back. Will looks terrified!
"But when you're a professional pirate…"
Mr. Gibbs jumps in creatively with,
"You don't have to wear a suit!"
Everyone looks at him strangely, including Will, but he seems not to notice.
A tiny bald man cackles insanely, and says,
"I could have been a surgeon.
I like taking things apart!"
He then proceeds to rip a coconut open with his bare hands and laugh some more.
Mr. Cotton's parrots squawks,
"I could have been a lawyer,
but I just had too much heart."
Anna Marie sings,
"I could have been in politics,
'cause I've always been a big spender!"
Mr. Gibbs fakes a tough New York accent and adds,
"And me...I coulda been… a contender!"
Jack puts on a sad face as he sings the next part,
"Some say that pirates steal,
and should be feared and hated!"
He then puts on an innocent looking face, as do the rest of the pirates, who are now square dancing, then he continues singing,
"I say we're victims of bad press!
It's all exaggerated!
We'd never stab you in the back!"
(Will remembers the man who fell down earlier with a knife in his back, but does not say anything)
"We'd never lie or cheat!
We're just about the nicest guys you'd ever want to meet!"
The crew sings again, and now they are all doing the twist behind Jack, their dance skills have no limit, it seems!
"Hey, ho, ho!
It's one for all for one!
And we'll share and share alike with you and love you like a son!
We're gentlemen of fortune and that's what we're proud to be!
And when you're a professional pirate…"
Jack is now singing with passion, and emphasizing his points by jumping into the air like a rabid squirrel,
"You'll be honest, brave, and free, the soul of decency,
you'll be loyal and fair and on the square and most importantly…"
Everyone now sings this rather loudly, as it is the most important part of the song,
"When you're a professional pirate… You're always in the best of company!!!"
Jack looks at Will expectantly and asks, "So, what do you think of being a pirate now?" Will stares at him for a moment before answering honestly, "I think you are all quite certifiably insane, and I think even less of your profession now after hearing that horrifying example of so-called music!" The captain and crew look at him for a moment, then Jack asks, "So, you'll want to be joining us, then?"