Title: Is That What You Really Want
Author: rooster dawn
Classification: Harm/Mac
Spoiler: Silent Service to Goodbyes
Summary: Mac deals with Harm's rejection after killing her husband and his dating Jordan.
Disclaimer: The characters of JAG are the property of Donald Bellisario and Bellisarius Production, Inc. Used without permission. No copyright infringement intended. May be reproduce if unchanged, author given full credit, and no financial transaction is involved.
Feedback is greatly appreciated and welcomed.
part 1
1700 hours
13 Mar 99
Mac's Office
It had been a cold and miserable winter. For the last six months nothing seem to going right. They had gotten so close before disaster struck her down. It had come from a source she had long forgotten about.
Her ex-husband Chris had shown up. For some unknown reason he wanted to be a part of her life again. Her happy life was destroyed. Mac sat in her office wondering if her life would ever be the same.
At one time the sky seem to be the limit. She had gone to Russia with him to help search for his father. The month they had spent together in Russia was wonderful except for the part being shot down.
It had been just the two of them with no outside pressure or advice from well meaning friends. They had really bonded. It seemed like they were getting really close. She had even spent a couple nights sleeping in his arms.
They were able to talk about how they felt. She had been there every step of the way for him. He found out how his father had died protecting a woman from being rape. The woman had saved his father after his escape.
His father had nearly die in the cold of winter. She had been there for him, to comfort him in his time of need. He had died free and had been loved.
She thought Harm would finally be able to move on and let someone into his life to love and be loved. They had spent the weekend at his mother's house upon returning from Russia and then a few days at his Grandmother's farm.
They had explained to Trish and Grandma Sarah what had happened to Harm Senior after he was shot down in Viet Nam. Mac had been surprise to see that it brought relief to both of them, but somehow not quite to Harm.
She didn't completely understand this. She knew his father was very important to him. That his father indirectly had been a major influence in his life, after all Harm did join the Navy and become an aviator, but his father had only been a small part of Harm's life for five years.
There had been many more people in Harm's life who were more influential, his mother and grandmother came quickly to mind. But there was also the CAG, the Admiral, Keeter, and even Diane, her look alike twin.
In many ways she had been the most influential of them all. She had been there to nurture him and console him through the academy years and after he had the ramp strike.
But for some reason Harm actually seemed to fall back into his shell even further after finding out the truth, that his father was dead.
She had hope she could be there to help him deal with the pain of finally knowing his father was dead and wasn't ever going to be coming back. After maintaining a brave front with his mother and grandmother, he seemed to become depress when he returned to Washington.
Then her world fell apart. Her ex-husband Chris showed up during a time Harm was busy with Boobie Latham, the bitch from bureaucratic hell.
What was it with that woman? Every time there was a problem affecting the military, she showed up flexing her scrawny anemic muscles. And of course she would always run to Harm and tell Harm how to do his job.
Funny thing was ninety nine percent of the time she was wrong about whatever it was. She was always so ill prepared and misinformed. She was a pain in the six. She needed to get a life of her own and stay away from hers.
Anyways she needed Harm that night, but he was cooking dinner for Boobie. She didn't want to intrude. She didn't know what was going on with the she devil, so she told Harm she would to talk to him later hoping that he would follow her out, but of course he hadn't.
For once why couldn't he put her needs first? She was terribly disappointed and hurt. How could Harm, who knew her better than she knew herself, not know she needed him?
She had followed him to Russia. All he had to do was follow her out the door. He had always been there for her when she needed him, except for that night. She didn't want to think about what they did after dinner.
Soon there after her life fell apart. Chris was looking for a handout. A dingo from Australia arrived into her life to harass her. And Harm wasn't there for her. She ended up killing her husband in self defense because he wouldn't leave.
Even though Harm defended her during the trial and in public, he emotionally deserted her afterwards. They never did talk about Chris. She had married him during the summer when she was seventeen years old to get away from her abusive father.
The marriage had turned out not to be legal because she wasn't eighteen at the time and needed permission from a parent to get married. It's why she never bothered get a divorce.
She could only assume that Harm was angry with her because she had never told him about Chris or about Colonel John Farrow, her mentor.
She also suspected Harm was disappointed in her for having an affair with Colonel John Farrow, her Commanding Officer, when she was twenty four. She was still young and naive. She had hoped that eventually they would talk about it, but that wasn't going to be the case.
She thought everything was going to be okay between them after their trip to Iran to rescued his best friend Jack Keeter. She had spent several days with Jack finding out more about the Harm's younger days and other things she didn't know.
She found out why he was afraid to open up and why he didn't express his feelings. She thought he had overcome his disappointment and had forgiven her. He had hugged her warmly goodbye before he left her in the desert.
He seem desperate to let her know he still cared for her even though they were going through a rough spot. He even gave her a bigger hug when she returned to the Seahawk a couple of days later when she arrived with Keeter.
It had appeared to her that he was so happy to see her. She felt so love at that moment. She felt they would overcome her not telling him about Chris, but instead everything fell apart soon there after.
Missing the emotional contact with Harm, Mac became a big sister to a young lady name Chloe. She had recently lost her mother and was causing her step father a lot of problems. Soon after that Harm decided to start a relationship with Jordan at Christmas time.
She was a pretty blond anemic navy commander who had been arrested for driving drunk and crashing into a nativity scene. Harm, ever the need to be the white knight, came to the rescue of the damsel in distress.
She had hoped that she and Harm could get back to where their relationship was before Chris had shown up. She hoped they would spend the holidays together.
Maybe they could start talking about moving their relationship forward to the next level. Was his dating Jordan suppose to be his way of punishing her for not being completely honest with him?
It was so hard for her to talk about her past. It was filled with so much pain, suffering, and abandonment. He knew this. Why couldn't he understand?
Now it was three months later and it looked so hopeless. She and Harm were fighting all the time now. They weren't able to agree on how to defend their clients anymore.
They were hardly talking to each other except when absolutely necessary. They didn't see each other outside of work anymore. They didn't share any meals together anymore. She didn't know how much more of this she could stand.
Maybe it was time for her to start thinking about transferring to another command. She couldn't live her life this way, not sleeping and eating. She had already lost fifteen pounds that she really couldn't afford to lose in the first place.
Maybe it was time to see the Admiral about leaving. Anywhere else had to be better than this. It was almost time to go home. Home to a place where it seem no one wanted to be. What was wrong with her? Why couldn't anyone love her? Why didn't Harm love her?
1100 hours
20 March 1999
Jag Headquarters
A week later Harm and Mac were standing in the Admiral's office. The look on the Admiral's face scared Mac. It wasn't often she saw this side of him and it never was very good. He also was having them stand at attention longer then usual.
"At ease and have a seat." ordered the Admiral.
"What's going on between you two? You've had disagreements before and have found a way to work through them. Can either one of you tell me what's happening?" asked a frustrated Admiral.
"We've seem to have hit a bump in the road Sir. We've been having difficulty agreeing on how to represent our client. The Commander believes his way is always better, I do not." replied Mac.
"Do you agree Commander?" asked the Admiral.
"Yes Sir. We seem to have hit an impasse. I don't see it changing anytime soon Sir." answered Harm.
"Well I'm taking you both off the case. Your client isn't happy with either one of you. I have a more important case for the both of you anyway.
It seems like the USS Watertown has developed some problems and surfaced in the middle of a sailing regatta. Can I trust that the two of you can work together on this?" asked the Admiral.
"Yes Sir! We'll do our best." they both replied.
"Good! I also expect the two of you to work out whatever the problem is. Have I made myself clear?" bellowed the Admiral.
"Yes Sir!" they both replied. "See Tiner about travel arrangements to the USS Watertown.