I'm Sorry, I Love You

by violingal2

Somewhat of a character analysis of Tony on a dark day-showing him writing his suicide note to Pepper and eventually pulling the trigger. Warnings for character death and references to depression and suicide. Rated M for adult themes.

Just some stuff that I can't get out of my head so I wrote it down, I know it's dark-sorry :(

My hands shake as I try and pick up the pen for the third time. I know I shouldn't do this-somewhere in the back of my head, I know. But it's all too much. I can't handle it anymore. I-I don't want to. I drag in a shaky breath and wipe my face, now a mess of snot and tears-too many tears. This should be easy. Why am I crying? I want this.

All I can think of is her face. The way she will crumple in on herself, landing on the floor with a thud as the sobs wrack her body. She will blame herself, I know she will. And it hurts me so much, more than I can say, to leave her like this. But it hurts more to keep on living. To get up every day and have to grind through, each breath a challenge in and of itself. I've tried-I really have, but I'm just done.

I think of all the things I've messed up over the years, all the relationships, lives, PEOPLE I've ruined. And I hate myself for it. With each passing memory, I know that the world will be better off, everyone will be better off, without me. I want to stop thinking this way, but nothing helps. I've come to my last resort, there's nothing more to do. I can't keep living this way-so I'll just stop living.

I pick up the pen with much steadier hands now, ready for what must be done. I take out a fresh piece of paper with the Stark Industries logo at the top; I'm not going to write my suicide note on the soggy and crumpled piece I had been previously trying to use. And then-I stare. What can I say? Actions speak louder than words. No matter what I say here, Pepper will still blame herself. I just hope to anyone who will listen, that she moves on. She deserves so much better than me, she will benefit from my passing. I put the pen to paper, deciding what I'm going to write, and scrawl out the last five words the love of my life will hear from me.

I toss the pen aside and fold the paper neatly, scribbling the name of my lover on the front and placing it on my desk. I had cleaned the entire workshop; I didn't want anyone to have to deal with a mess. Ironic, Stark I tell myself, I'm leaving them with the biggest mess of all. I feel guilty, but not enough to stop myself as I pick up the 9 mm semi-automatic I'd been saving in my desk for quite some time. My eyes are dry as I load in a single bullet. Calm down, Tony. You want this. I tell myself, breathing in and out five full times before bringing the gun up to my temple. My hands aren't shaking as I accept the imminent truth-that I am going to die. I close my eyes and breathe in and out one last time, reveling in the feeling of air rushing into and then leaving my lungs. Then, I pull the trigger.

I'll probably write another chapter of this from Pepper's POV, but I'm not sure what I'm going to do you so no promises. Please review they keep me going.