A/N: Cartman's log is based on a series of short stories I turned in for homework assignments in early high school. Obviously the really gross or messed up parts were not turned in but I found the stories in my closet a couple months ago and it's fun to do them as they were made to be seen.

Chapter One: Lovin those subs part I

Cartman's Log school date: 12.15.09

Our government and more specifically our town, has been hiding something. I have been to hell and back many times before for this town and its people but this… This looks to be the start of something much, much bigger… It all started with the opening of a new restaurant on main-street. Quizno's… Perhaps you've seen the advertisements on TV… The singing rats playing guitar and singing about loving the subs… that's probably what they put in the food you've joked. We all thought it, and I was going to prove it.

I arrived at the bus stop like any other day and saw my friends Stan, Kenny, and of course the Jew, Kyle.

"Hey guys" I greeted my friends.

"Hey Cartman." They said.

"Soooo guy's I have the best idea about how we can make TEN… MILLION… DOLLARS!" I exclaimed.

"Oh no! Not this again." Kyle said. "You are not talking us into trying to form a Christian rock band again."

"No no guys this is way better." I said. "You know how we got a Quizno's subs now."

"Yeah…" Stan said cautiously. Stan always sided with Kyle, and Kyle was always weary of my plans.

"Well I figure if we can get them on video putting those singing rats from the commercials into the sandwich meets then we can sue them and get roughly ten million dollars." I said with the biggest smile on my face. They would love this plan and we would all get 2.5 million dollars.

"What that's the dumbest plan you've come up with yet." Kyle said. "I like that place I'm not helping you shut it down."

"Yeah even you this plan is weak dude." Kenny said through his muffled hood.

"It's not weak you buttholes! This is a great plan! Stan! You're with me aren't you?" I asked.

"Dude let's just get to school." Stan sighed as the bus pulled up and we got on.

I thought that was the end of it and that I would have to find a new plan to get ten million dollars. Little did I know that I would get help from the most unlikely of sources.

We sat down in our desks and our teacher Mr. Garrison walked in looking very flustered. "It's horrible! Just awful!"

Oh boy here we go again he's going through another breakup time for some raging homo drama. I thought.

"What's the matter Mr. Garrison?" Wendy asked. Ugh Wendy was always so concerned about that melodramatic butt-pirate.

"It's Mr. Slave he's become a Quizno's sub!" Mr. Garrison said.

It was at that point that I KNEW I would be able to make ten million dollars. They were turning local gays into sandwiches. The general public would never stand for cannibalism. They unlike, Scott Tenorman, would be able to sue after they were fed people.

"Um Mr. Garrison you do realize that you can probably sue if they turned Mr. Slave into a sub." I said. I figured if I could get Herbert to run out in a panic, me and the guys could get to work taking down Quizno's and blackmailing them for ten million dollars.

"That's it I'm calling the school's attorney. They took away a valuable asset when they took the teacher's ass to become one of their subs!" Mr. Garrison ran out of the room and closed the door.

"Well…" I said "Let's get to work on this then."

Stan, Kyle, Kenny, and I arrived at the town's new Quizno's and entered in. The hapless teen behind the counter attempted to take our order but we were ready for him. I jumped up on the counter and pulled out my knife. "Get me the person here with the most authoritah. I have a deal to make."

"Oh shit! Don't hurt me! That would be my manager!" The teen screamed and ran for the back.

Kenny and Stan locked up the door as the Jew stood there with a look of contempt on his face.

"Kahl! You butthole help us board this place up. We need to negotiate a blackmail!" I yelled.

"I'm not helping with this I just came to see you fall flat on your fat ass." Kyle said.

I was about to retort with the most clever zinger ever when the door to the back opened. The manager came out. It turned out the manager was actually that douche from the movie theater.

"So asshole you just couldn't stop your evil at not letting us into the new R rated movies now you decided to turn people into subs." I said and played with my knife in my hand. "Well HA HA HA HA! We found you out so give us ten million dollars or we are calling the police!"

"Boys… what are you talking about?" The manager asked me.

"Mr Garrison said you took his boyfriend away and turned him into a Quizno's sub! I don know why he hasn't called the cops but that's good for us because now we can blackmail you and now you have to give us ten million dollars!" I explained as fast as my mouth would move.

The manager just sat there with that same confused look he always had every time he was giving tickets to the movies. "boys there's something that you should probably be told… Come with me."

I didn't know what to think but I will say this… nothing could prepare me for what I saw next.

We were lead down a hallway then down a set of stairs. As we got further down the stairs we heard the singing.

"We love the subs" accompanied by the sound smacking "Cause they are good to us!"

"Jeeeesus Jesus Christ"

"Mr Slave!" Kyle yelled "We can still save him from you!"

"Just see for yourselves" the manager said and opened the door.

Inside was the strangest thing I've ever seen and I live in this town. Mr. Slave was tied up against the wall as he was half the time when any of us saw him anyway. He wasn't being tortured at least not against his will. And he wasn't being turned into subs. The subs were being turned into him. Or rather put into him. Next to Mr. Slave two of those singing rats from the commercials were standing with a pile of subs. The subs were being inserted into Mr. Slave's ass.

"Dude fucking gross!" Kenny mumbled under his hood.

"See boys! This is the secret of the Quizno's subs. They are warm because we toast them inside a sub's ass. Sub stands for submissive, and Mr. Slave is our newest submissive." The manager said.

"Dude gross!" Stan said and puked.

"Now that! That's unsanitary!" One of the singing creatures screeched. "Clean that up!"

"Right away sir." The manager said and grabbed a mop.

"What the hell are you anyway?" I asked.

"We are sponge monkeys!" The creature said. "Our hideous ugliness once caused us to be shunned from the rest of nature but now now we have a plan. Once everyone in America has eaten a delicious Quizno's sub from a sub we will reveal that everyone is just as much of a shit eater as you think we look like!"

"Fucking gross I'm gonna tell on you!" I yelled and started to run for the door.

"Then we have no choice. We will have to kill you!" The sponge monkeys yelled and flew at us.

"AHHH they can fly!" Stan and Kyle yelled and pushed past me. I ran behind them followed by Kenny. I reached the door and turned around to see Kenny get taken down by the pair of sponge monkeys. As I closed the door the larger of the two creatures reared back and opened its mouth before engulfing Kenny's head.

"Oh my God they killed Kenny!" Yelled Kyle

"You bastards!" followed Stan.

"Guys we gotta get out of here and warn the town!" I yelled. "There's no way we are getting ten million dollars out of those things!"

We ran and listened as the chewing noises continued as the sponge monkeys ate Kenny. The noise then changed to the manager begging for his life. We didn't stick around to find out if his begging was successful.

I write this as a warning Mayor. We need to warn the entire town of South Park and probably mobilize the National Guard or some shit! Fight for Kenny! Fight for Mr. Slave! Fight for the lost! Hell No Quizno's goes!

God I hope this works.