When I was young I used to have this wish. It was wrong, and I was stupid. My wish was that I would be in hospital and that I was sick. My wish was that everyone I had ever known would come to my bed, they would cry and tell me how much they loved me; they would buy me presents and pray I would get better. My wish is that I would lie there with one clean white bandage around my head and I would look beautiful, my hair would be sprawled out on the pillow and my skin would have a pale glow I would look like an angle surrounded in white. But then out of the blue I would get better and it would be a miracle.
I would be a miracle.
But then it happened. My wish stupid attention seeking wish came true. But it is no way near the way I imagined it. It all started at a party, well not a party, my first party and when I say party I mean a proper party with out of control rebellious music shaking the walls and luminous lights spiraling around the room making everything glow with energy. There must have been at least one hundred people all crammed into this house, nearly all of them dancing without a care in the world. I stumbled onto the dance floor wanting so badly to fit into this crazy scene, I squished between bodies and wriggled past couples until I was in the very centre of it all, but some how I still felt like the odd one out. Was it the way I was standing? Or the look on my face? Maybe it was the fact that I was alone the only person in the room not dunk off their face, I couldn't tell. So there I was the loser girl trying to act cool at a party until Freddie came along.
Freddie was just a guy in my class, sure he was beautiful but I'd never really know him. I'd never really noticed him. He as the sort of boy who even though you have seen him everyday for 3 years of your life you only ever said about five words to him. That sort of boy, and for some reason he was coming towards me. He edged his way through the crowd heading right for me, I turned around and checked behind me to see if he was looking for someone else but no, he was after me. Finally we were face to face, his hair was a mess and he was all sweaty, but somehow he couldn't have looked more attractive "Celia." she shouted even though we were only 30cm apart. My heart skipped a few beats "Yeah." I called back in an attempt to sound like I really didn't care about what he had to say "Do you want some?" His eyes turned purple in the lights and a smile crept onto his face, my heart began to sing. He un-wrapped his hand to reveal four tiny blue pills in the centre of his palm.
Everything I had ever been told in my life told me to say no. every health class on the effect of drugs screamed no. Every story I ever read in the news paper begged me to say no. Every tale my mother told me about her friends who threw their lives away with drugs pleaded for me to say no.
I said yes.
And then everything became perfect. Suddenly I could dance without a care in the world. Suddenly I wasn't the loser alone at a party I was the girl with her arm around a boy and a smile on her face. Suddenly I was out of the cocoon and I was a butterfly. Freddie and I flew around the party I danced, I drank, I meet new people. It was fantastic people smiled at me, Freddie smiled at me, and I smiled at me. With each new group of people Freddie introduced me to there was something new to try. His friend with a beard offered me more pills, I said yes. A girl with a lip ring said she would give me a row of cocaine if I gave her my watch, I said yes. Freddie's friend Jay Jay who was the best mathematician I had ever seen offered me some anti-depressant pills that he stole from his mothers draw, I said yes. It kept on going until I lost track of what exactly I was taking. Before each new adventure I turned to Freddie with a questioning expression in my eyes, a small part of me screamed at myself and told me to stop, but I just turned to Freddie, he either gave me a little nod or a little shake and that meant yes or no and that's all the thinking I needed to do. I remember wondering if Freddie would have warned me if I was going too far, at the time I thought he would. I wondered if he knew what too far was. We were still dancing around the room, the bights were brighter and the darks were darker, everything shook around me and spun in circles. I was having the time of my life.
"Come with me." Freddie shouted over the thump of the drum and bass music, grabbing my hand and pulling me into the cold air of the night. It was weird taking a step outside the party it felt like I was walking into another world, this world was quite and untouched but still had as much energy as the party I could feel it all around. I could hear the trees talking and the stars twinkling, I told Freddie that and he laughed and told me I was tripping, I laughed too but I was unsure of what he meant. "what are we doing out here?" it felt weird to be not shouting for once "I want to go night running" he exclaimed, I could see the excitement in his eyes and knew there was no way I could turn him down. He told me to take off my shoes and follow him, so I did and it was incredible. We ran down the middle of the road, arms out like planes, the feeling of the night air sliding off my skin made me feel like I was going to take off any minute and fly in to the sky.
Then we arrived at the bottom of the Claylope cliff "Let's climb." Freddie breathed that mischievous smile creeping back across his face. And so we did climb and as much as the rocks cut my bare feet I couldn't feel any pain, at the time I thought "This must be what love feels like, not being able to feel any pain." did I mention I am stupid? The top of the cliff was marvelous, you could see the whole town, you could hear the ocean, and you could feel the grass between your toes. I collapsed to the grass and Freddie joined me and we talked for what could have been hours, we talked about what it would be like to live in space and about how if we were birds we would fly together ever night. I was in ecstasy.
Freddie's idea was this, we hold hands and fly down to the bottom of the cliff and swim in the sea. I was possibly the world's craziest idea taking into account that there was at least a 40 meter drop from the top of the cliff to the ground and the ground was made of hard rock. But at the time all I wanted to do was fly. I told Freddie I was scared and that I didn't want to do it but he said that it was the only way we could feel what happiness really felt like. I fell for is stupid idea. And when I say fell I mean I really fell. I fell 40 meters off the top of Claylope hill onto rock. I broke my right femur, shattered my elbow, bruised my lungs and fractured my skull, not to mention the major concussion and thousands of major bruises and cuts.
I was found 4 hours later by a man walking his dog and when I say I was found I mean me alone. That's right, Freddie didn't jump, he freaked out and stopped just before the edge. When he saw what happened to me he returned to the party. He didn't call the police. He didn't tell anyone anything. When they got me to hospital they pumped my stomach clean of all illegal substances, they retrieved quarter a liter of a black tar like substance. The doctors told my parents I was just another young girl who didn't know when to stop. I think I was just another young girl that didn't want to stop.
So now I'm just like how I always wanted to be I'm in hospital, and I am sick. Everyone I have ever known has come to my bed, they cry and tell me how I'm a stupid girl and ask me what on earth I was thinking. Like my wish I have one clean white bandage around my head but I also have about 4 tubes connected to my arms, 3 casts and more ugly black and blue bruises than I can count. It hurts to breathe. I'm lying here feeling sorry for myself when a knock at the door grabs my attention, "Come in " I call trying to sound relaxed. Freddie walks through the door his eye's bulging at the sight of me.