A shock of bright red, yellow, green and blue glared back at Carly when she looked out of her office window. The donut shop from across the street was heavily strewn with Christmas lights. Carly stared back at them wistfully. It was almost as if they were mocking her.
It was late. Later than she had expected. She looked at her wristwatch and realized that she should've been headed out over twenty minutes ago. Time had gotten away with her once again, as it often did nowadays.
She packed up her things quickly before heading out to the main part of the building, which included the multiple tiny cubicles at which her associates worked. She was immediately approached by her co-worker, Lottie, a preppy blonde with short hair large eyes who seemed to be in a perpetually cheerful mood.
"Merry Christmas, Carly!" She beamed, holding out a white wrapped present with a gold ribbon.
Carly stared back at it, her mind blanking.
"But I-"
"You didn't get me anything?" Lottie shook her head with a grin. "Don't worry, I didn't expect anything in return. It's just to say thanks for welcoming me so warmly into the office."
Lottie had patted Carly's arm and bounced away before she could respond with more than a weak 'thank you.'
Carly was halfway to the exit before she was once again stopped by Landon, the guy who worked in the office across from hers. He seemed to be coming back from the printing room, considering the stack of papers in his hand. Carly forced a smile. Landon was the last person she wanted to talk to right now.
"Are you still here?" He asked with surprise upon seeing her. "You usually leave at six, right?"
He looked at her with an expectant smile, as if Carly would give an explanation for lingering.
"I'm just leaving now," was all Carly offered. "Goodnight."
"Can I walk you to your car?" Landon offered, depositing his papers on a nearby desk with a shy smile.
Carly was aware that Landon had always liked her, but he had completely upped his flirting game ever since she'd stopped wearing her engagement ring a few weeks ago. She and her ex-fiancé had been engaged for five months prior to that.
Carly didn't miss the way that Landon's eyes flitted to her left hand to confirm her availability.
It's not that Carly wasn't attracted to Landon. He was nice-looking with kind blue eyes, dark hair and a lovely smile. He was also very sweet and caring. Carly had seen him helping Mrs. Greenwich, the elderly secretary at the front desk, carry in her boxes of files every morning. Plus she could always count on Landon to supply her coffee in the mornings, complete with a cinnamon bun or a blueberry muffin depending on the day.
"I'm alright, thanks," Carly said, hoping that her tone was polite.
Landon's smile faltered in disappointment as she stepped past him.
Carly let out a breath she didn't even know she was holding as she made her way to the elevators.
Christmas had been Carly's favorite time of the year ever since she was about five years old. However, at thirty-four years old she was now completely numb to the festivities. Things had changed drastically since her youth.
The last thing Carly had been expecting was that at her age she'd be stuck in an office job, unmarried and with no family of her own to speak of. The crunchy snow of the ground beneath her boots combined with the blinding cheeriness of Christmas lights surrounding the office building only made her moody and bitter.
Carly wasn't remotely looking forward to tonight. She had promised Sam and Freddie that she'd babysit their four children for them while Sam accompanied Freddie to his work event.
It wasn't as though Carly didn't love her nieces and nephews, because she did. Sometimes Carly felt as though their young, smiling faces were the only ones she'd ever loved with certainty. She vividly remembered how excited she'd been when each one was born and she adored bonding with them and watching them grow up.
That being said, she found it difficult. Oftentimes when she visited the Benson house, she wasn't quite sure how being surrounded by a handful of happy and energetic children would affect her mood. Carly sometimes found that she was able to enjoy herself in the moment when she was with her nieces and nephews, yet she never failed to feel even worse than before once she was back home in her empty apartment. On occasion, she was cheered by seeing the kids and other times it only made her feel more lonely.
Carly found that she often yearned to be surrounded by people and never wanted to leave. Other times she would give anything to spend the rest of her life in isolation. But then again, what would anyone expect from someone who could be in a room full of people but still manage to feel alone?
Carly's place was only a short drive from her workplace. It was Tuesday, so her tech producer, Ann, who was a clumsy redheaded girl would have completely cluttered her front room with electronic equipment. Carly had met Ann through college, where they had both been in the same Computer Science course. With Ann's help, Carly had launched her YouTube channel eight years ago. Not only did Ann help her film, but she had also appeared in some of her videos. It wasn't the same as having Sam and Freddie like the old days, but it was enough.
Though Carly mainly earned her income from working at the office, filming videos was a fun side job and it didn't hurt to have a little bit of extra pocket money (as 'the girl from iCarly,' she had acquired a reasonably large following). In a way, vlogging was the only thing that built her spirit up. It made her feel nostalgic for the iCarly days when she was truly carefree and happy. When things were easy. It was harder to feel that same joy, especially since just two years ago Spencer had married his longtime girlfriend, Ava, and her father also remarried last year. Things were different now. Everyone had their own families and then there was just Carly on her own. Seeing people move on with their lives by settling down only reminded her of everything she'd felt that she had lost.
It wasn't that she didn't like Ava, or her father's new wife, Diane. It just felt strange not to have that sense of togetherness any longer.
Carly had decided that she would go home first and get changed quickly before heading out. As expected, she nearly tripped over a long cord which was connected to some technological item or another.
She took half an hour to shower and change into a more kid-friendly outfit (Carly wasn't too keen on the idea of getting apple juice or finger-paints on her new skirt) before heading over to Sam's. Carly suddenly found herself eager to get out of the house. She hated the quiet of her apartment.
After Sam and Freddie had married, they'd moved into a large, robin egg blue Victorian house with white trim and a large garden. Within seven years of marrying, they had filled the house with kids. Carly could see the yard littered with blocks, baby dolls and tricycles as she pulled up into the driveway. The house was also decorated with glittering snowflakes, and plenty of red and green Christmas lights while the yard was strewn with large plastic candy canes.
The sight of it all only served to remind her of her own reality. She'd wanted a home of her own. Especially at her age, she had imagined that she would've already had children. It was hard for her not to feel that she had run out of time to meet somebody and have the life that she'd always imagined for herself. Deep down, Carly knew it wasn't too late for that to change, but she couldn't help the overwhelming feeling of negativity when she thought about the subject for too long.
Though she was admittedly a bit envious, she was grateful that she was so included in her friend's lives. She was given the title of 'aunt,' which meant more to her than she would ever be able to vocalize…and yet she was unable to get rid of the deep-seated feeling of unrest that she felt in moments like these.
Her dark feelings were slightly subdued when the front door flew open and a loud voice shrieked 'Auntie Carly!' with excitement.
"Hiya, Fred!" Putting on her best cheerful voice, Carly scooped up the five-year-old and stepped through the doorway while planting a kiss to the chubby young face.
"Sam?" She called as she advanced into the living area.
"Where are your parents, little guy?" She asked Fred, who only stared back at her with wide eyes and shrugged. He was a very shy and quiet kid. It wasn't at all unusual that Carly wasn't typically able to get more than ten words out of him.
"I'm coming!" Sam shouted distantly from upstairs.
Sam was wearing a blue velvet dress, her hair done up in a classy updo.
"I hate wearing heels," She complained.
"You look amazing-" Carly started before she was hit with the embrace of two more children at her waist.
Cameron was a bright-eyed eight-year-old girl who looked strikingly similar to her mother. Kennedy, who was brunette, had no resemblance to Sam with the exception of his nose.
Belle, who was twelve, came charging down the stairs after her father who was fiddling with his tie.
"Thanks for doing this, Carls," Freddie said breathlessly.
"Don't mention it-" Carly said just as Belle joined into their group hug and knocked the wind out of her lungs. Belle looked remarkably like Freddie but was quite the boisterous tomboy like Sam. At that moment, Carly felt such extreme joy that she smiled her first real smile in what felt like months.
However, her smile was soon gone just as quickly as it had appeared.
"I wish you would've been able to bring Lincoln over for dinner last week," Sam said as she put her earrings on. "We're dying to meet him!"
Though Carly still felt the arms around her and the weight of her nephew in her arms, she found that she wanted to talk to her friends and explain to them how she'd been feeling.
Strangely enough, Carly felt as though she couldn't tell anyone even though sometimes she desperately wants to. They wouldn't understand her. Not Sam and Freddie, not Ann or any of her co-workers. She just couldn't. Even though she knew that she technically had friends, she wasn't certain that she could call anyone her true friend. None of them really knew her. They all thought that she had a perfect life.
None of them would ever know how badly she struggled. They wouldn't know that most days are bad days for her. They'd never know that the holidays made it worse. Nobody suspects because she's always cheerful, always well put-together. They all think that she has an active social and dating life because that's what Carly leads them to believe.
No one would know that she'd been battling depression since she was twenty-one years old and that it had worsened over time. Last Christmas being the brightest spot she'd had in a long time, as she'd been engaged to her ex-fiancé, Mike. Carly had never felt so happy, or at least she'd been able to pretend that she didn't feel so numb to the world when he was around. Being with Mike had given her life structure again, but unfortunately, it hadn't lasted.
Carly recalled how she'd kept up the lie even once they'd broken up. She'd wanted to create the illusion of happiness so badly that she'd invented her boyfriend, 'Lincoln,' and pretended that she'd spent her birthday with him when in reality she'd rented a cabin out in North Carolina and spent the entire weekend retreating from the world while reading V.C. Andrews novels and drinking rosé. So her 34th birthday had come and gone without incident, not that she had wanted a big fuss, but she would've preferred to be around other people, especially her family.
Carly found that she often slipped into being a recluse, but couldn't bring herself to be truthful about it. Somehow she felt guilt and shame for spending too much time on her own when she should be going out and connecting with others.
She felt guilty a lot these days. It had to be wrong to feel so disconnected from the world when she had the type of life that many people easily envied. Carly had felt that same guilt when she'd lied that her 'snack of a boyfriend' (as Sam had called the random photo that Carly had taken off the internet and dubbed 'Lincoln') couldn't come to holiday dinner because he was working. She'd felt even more guilty at how smoothly and convincingly she had lied.
It seemed as though lying was all that she did lately.
So Carly smiled as the kids waved their parents off.
The kids had already had dinner. Fred and Cameron were particularly eager to bake a batch of Christmas cookies to surprise their parents with when they got home. Carly's heart lifted as the kids laughed and messily squirted bright red icing onto their gingerbread cookies. She also couldn't help but laugh at the sight of the green sprinkles which somehow ended up in Kennedy's hair.
After helping the younger kids with their coloring books and helping Belle with her homework, the kids had fallen asleep in the middle of the Hallmark Christmas film they had all been watching together on the couch.
Carly was eager to switch from the program the minute Belle finally joined her brothers and sister in the chorus of snores which was now echoing throughout the room. Carly sighed and switched to a cartoon instead. Though Hallmark Christmas films were cheesy and unrealistic, Carly slightly hoped that some guy would sweep her off her feet and help her get into the spirit of Christmas.
Carly knew it wasn't normal to feel this way. She stroked Cameron's long locks and kissed her forehead, which was laying her lap, with tenderness. She wanted to speak to someone and take control of her life once again. She didn't want to be the person who cut off all opportunities to grow and create happiness for herself. She didn't want to deny herself the chance of something great.
Suddenly, Carly relished in the fact that the new year was quickly approaching. Looking at the innocent sleeping faces of her nieces and nephews, she knew that she wanted to talk to someone. She'd pursue therapy in the new year, she decided. Talking to someone would be better than not talking at all.
She smiled wanly. It was fleeting, but there was hope. She wasn't alone.
She soon found that the children's snores were a welcome and joyous sound.
A/N: I wanted to write about depression during the holidays because it's a big issue for many people. I struggle with feeling down at times, so I thought it would be healthy for me to explore those feelings by writing about them. The focus of this story was less on Seddie and their kids and more about Carly, so I apologize to the people who were expecting more of that element. Anyone who is struggling with depression, I hope that next year things will be better for you. Happy Kissaversary and a Happy New Year to all!