Disclaimer: I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist or Envy (although I do own a pretty bad-ass Envy-cosplay). All I own is my random musing and fanfics.
Author's Note: This extremely short fic was born out of several things- 1) being an Envy-cosplayer I try to do a good job of getting into Envy's head so I can portray him decently, 2) my favorite version of Envy (first anime, Envy/William Elric) clearly has issues and (I would willingly state) hates his 'parents', and 3) on some level he has to have hated what he was. (Especially since in my particular interpretation of him he remembers everything from before he died and was brought back as a homunculus.) That being said, one day during one of my classes I started musing over how he might regard himself in terms of being both Envy and William, as well as how he might compare the differences between being human or homunculus. This odd little psycho-babble fic is the result. Read, enjoy, and review! n.n
Weakness Hurts More When You Give It a Name
...
Envy liked being a homunculus; he liked his flexibility, his strength, the feel of his muscle-movements and how easy it was. He liked that there was no ache of worn muscles, no burn of his lungs, and that the only pounding of his heart was of excitement. He liked the fact that if his body couldn't accomplish something he wanted it to all he had to do was change it. He liked that he could see clearly, that he could change the sharpness of his eyesight at will. He liked that he was no longer William- that he didn't have to look like William. He liked that that he could be whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted. He liked that he was free of being William.
When Envy had chosen his standard form, he had carefully crafted it to be as un-William as possible. He'd thrown away all formality, all concern about gender, all concern about offending others, and had chosen to be openly honest and act on his impulses. Why should he care about indecency? He'd died! Why shouldn't he indulge in clothes that conformed to his own comfort? Why shouldn't he just do what he wanted? When he was human he was compliant, a victim scared of pushing too much to get what he wanted and needed. When he was human he was weak. Being a homunculus was better.
Being a homunculus also sucked. His free will was limited- trapped under the control of the one who had alchemically imposed her will on him. He hated her. Dante had killed him. Dante had taken his free will. Dante was his mother. His hatred of her added fuel to the fire of his dislike of 'being William'. He physically couldn't defy her orders, forcing him to be vulnerable and at his most 'William-ish'. His distaste and hatred of it was so profound that it frequently drove him to taking steel-wool to his skin until it was raw and bleeding.
Even if that weren't the case, his life was limited. As long as he had red-stones he could infinitely heal or change his shape; but without red-stones he couldn't do that. If he went long enough without red-stones he would end up a breath away from death, unable to die unless his remains were used to transmute him into nothing. He would end up weak, unable to escape, at the mercy of the world. Like William. He hated it.
If he could just be free of it- free of being controlled, free of being William- then he could just be Envy. Purely Envy. Not weak, not constrained, not trapped- but free… The greatest conflict of Envy's life was that as much as he wanted to forget and be free of his past, he didn't want to lose it either. Even more so, as long as Envy existed so would William Elric. Envy liked being Envy, but he couldn't be free of Envy no matter how hard he tried- which made him, inarguably, at his deepest core in the darkest night, William.