Warning: Abortion is a main subject of this fic, so if that makes you uncomfortable I suggest you don't read this.
Arthur sat still on the couch and let the seconds tick past. His hands rested on his stomach as he stared at the muted television screen, waiting for 5 o'clock to roll around. His fingers twisted together, a habit Arthur always had when nervous.
Just as the image on screen flashed with a headline for the evening news, Arthur heard the click of the front door lock.
He took a deep breath and mentally went over the words he'd been rehearsing all day.
"Arthur? What are you doing here?" Came the surprised voice of Arthur's husband of less than a year.
Arthur turned his head to look at him. Merlin was wearing his blue button-up, the one Arthur had gotten him once for Christmas because he loved the way that shade brought out Merlin's eyes. Those eyes were wrinkled in confusion even as he crossed the room to give Arthur a kiss hello.
"I took a half day," Arthur said.
"You never take a half day," Merlin replied. His confusion was understandable. Arthur was always working late into the evening, and he had never once gotten home from work before Merlin did in the time they'd been living together.
"Today I did," Arthur said, "I wanted to see Gaius about some flu medicine."
Merlin let out a drawn out "ah" of understanding. Arthur had been plagued with flu symptoms for a few days now.
"So are you all better now?" Merlin asked as he walked away into the kitchen, probably to put the the kettle on. Arthur stood to follow him.
"Actually, he said I didn't have the flu," he said. He kept his hands on his stomach, then crossed his arms over his chest because he felt silly. Again he took in a deep breath. He stepped into the kitchen and stood just inside the doorway, watching the back of Merlin's head as he filled the kettle with water at the sink.
"Really?" Merlin said over his shoulder.
"Yeah," Arthur said, and steeled his courage to say the next part, "He said, um." He cleared his throat. "He said I'm pregnant."
Merlin's entire body stilled. He set the kettle down in the sink and turned off the tap and, slowly, turned around to look at Arthur.
"Pregnant?"
Arthur nodded. He prepared himself for what he was going to say next, how neither of them planned this and it's neither of their fault, and it'll be no big deal for him to make an appointment at the clinic tomorrow on his own.
Merlin's face hadn't changed, and Arthur waited for his lips to twist into a grimace, or for his shoulders to slump in some sort of defeat. He waited for Merlin to utter a curse word under his breath the way he does when he stubs a toe.
None of those things happened. Instead his face broke out into an enormous grin and Arthur found himself crushed in Merlin's arms with so much force that he was almost lifted up off the floor.
"Pregnant!" Merlin said again and there was joy in his voice, not at all the anxiety Arthur was expecting. Not at all like the cold dread that had been locking up Arthur's insides ever since Gaius first gave him the news.
"That's brilliant!" Merlin exclaimed, pulling away from the hug to stare at Arthur's lower abdomen in wonder. He even placed his fingertips there, and Arthur his his wince. "We're going to have a baby!" Merlin said, like he could hardly contain his excitement, "A baby! Arthur, this is great! I've always wanted to be a dad!" He leaned in to press an excited kiss to Arthur's cheek.
"How do you feel?" He asked. He had one hand pressed to Arthur's stomach and the other was cradling the back of Arthur's neck.
Arthur was about to answer that he was fucking scared. He was just about to say that he wanted this baby out of him, that he wasn't ready to carry and give birth and then be a parent, not at all. The very idea of it terrified him out of his mind and he wanted this gone.
But Merlin was looking at him with such shining eyes that the words died in his throat.
"Surprised," Arthur said with a half-laugh.
"Me too," Merlin said with a laugh of his own, "God. This is unbelievable."
Merlin hugged Arthur again, laughing into Arthur's neck, and Arthur hugged him back.
"I can't believe it either," he croaked.
"We're going to be parents! We're going to have a baby!"
When Merlin pulled back Arthur put on his most convincing smile. He felt numb. Merlin joined their foreheads together.
"I love you so much, Arthur." Merlin whispered.
"I love you too," Arthur said.
That, at least, was absolute truth.
That night Arthur lay on his back staring up at the ceiling, while Merlin slept with his face nuzzled into his shoulder and his arm curled around Arthur's stomach.
Arthur imagined he could feel the little life inside of him. It made the cold sweep of dread wash over him again.
Arthur and Merlin had talked about this before they'd gotten married, of course they had. Arthur had said he wanted children one day, but he hadn't said when. He hadn't expected to have this happen right now, so soon. He and Merlin hadn't even been married for a full year yet. To have this happen so suddenly knocked Arthur quite off kilter.
Arthur was so young to have a baby, he thought. He was still trying to establish himself in his father's company, still trying to work out what exactly he wanted out of life. How could he do all that and care for a child at the same time?
He couldn't. Arthur knew he couldn't, not now, not yet.
He'd tell Merlin tomorrow, he resolved.
The next morning found Arthur sitting across from Merlin at the kitchen table, listening to Merlin go on about their future life as parents.
"We could move back to Ealdor," Merlin was saying, waving about the hand that wasn't holding his mug of coffee, "It's such a great place to raise a kid, not that London is all bad. But I think a smaller city would be better. Pendragon Co. has an office there, right? You could work there and I could find a job somewhere once the baby is old enough to start school. My mother could look after them while we work. Which reminds me, we need to tell her! And your father, should we call them? Or we could host a dinner and tell them then, what do you think?"
Arthur blinked.
"You want to tell them already? Isn't it a bit soon?"
Merlin shrugged.
"I suppose. Do you want to wait?"
Arthur nodded.
"I mean, we only just found out," He said, "Why not keep it to ourselves for a little bit longer?"
Merlin smiled.
"You're right. We should wait at least a few weeks. I love you."
Something lurched in Arthur's stomach and he stood abruptly.
"Morning sickness," he managed to mutter before he dashed off to the bathroom to throw up.
Arthur didn't tell him that day, or the next. Every time he tried, he found the words got stuck somewhere between his brain and his mouth.
Merlin kept on looking at him with those happy eyes. He would sometimes look adoringly at Arthur's abdomen, then laugh when he got caught and wrap his arms around Arthur for a kiss. All day whenever Arthur could see Merlin doing something, like cooking Arthur dinner or just brushing his teeth, Merlin was doing it with a spring in his step, a bounce in his shoulders, and a grin on his lips that never went away. His whole being radiated energy and joy.
Arthur thought of the way Merlin's eyes would dim when Arthur told him he didn't want the baby. His smile would falter, this entire world of happiness that Merlin was in would grind to a startling halt. Arthur didn't know if he could handle that.
He decided to he needed advice.
When Arthur went to work the next morning, he told his secretary not to let anyone in and locked the door to his office. He sat at his desk for a moment, contemplating the phone with the framed photograph next to it of him and Merlin on their honeymoon to Spain.
After several silent minutes passed, Arthur finally moved to pick up the phone and dial a number.
"Morgana," Arthur said as soon as he heard the click on the other end of the line.
"Hello, Arthur," Morgana greeted, "It's so early in the day, I thought you would be at work right now."
"I am at work."
Morgana feigned a gasp.
"So first you take a rare half day and now you're making personal phone calls while at work? What's going on with you?"
"Shut up. How did you know I took a half day?"
"Gwen," Morgana answered simply, and that answered that. Arthur's sister and Arthur's secretary were the best of friends and if anything interesting happened around one of them, the other knew about it right away.
"Well," Arthur said, "I suppose I should have known that."
"Yes you should," Morgana agreed, "So, was there a reason you called?"
"Yeah," Arthur said rather shakily, "Yeah, actually."
There was silence on the other end while Morgana waited for Arthur to continue. Arthur found he either didn't want to explain or didn't know how, so the silence stretched on until Morgana said, "Okay, what is it? Are you alright?"
"Yes. No. I need your advice," Arthur said.
"Okay, on what?"
"I took a half day because I had to go to the doctor," Arthur said.
"I see. And?"
Arthur closed his eyes when he said, "I found out I'm pregnant."
There was a shocked pause on the other end, before Morgana exclaimed, "Oh my god, wow! Already?"
"Yeah."
"I thought you said you wanted to wait a few years?"
"I did. That's why I called." Arthur said. "This was an accident."
"Oh," Morgana said, "Well, I suppose that's not a surprise."
"No. I don't know what to do."
"What did Merlin say?"
Arthur sat back in his chair and fixed his eyes on the ceiling. There was a chandelier there that his father had insisted on installing when Arthur got his own private office.
"Merlin is ecstatic. I haven't seen him this happy since the honeymoon."
"Oh."
"Yeah, 'oh.' I haven't told him that I don't want this baby. I can't really bring myself to say it."
"You know you have to tell him eventually."
"I know," Arthur said, as he rubbed his hand up over his eyes, "I know. I just don't know how."
"Do you think you'll abort it?"
Arthur winced.
"I have to. I'm not ready for any of this."
"You know Merlin will be okay with it," Morgana said.
"I know," Arthur said, "But he's so happy right now. He'll be devastated once he finds out he's not going to be a father yet."
Morgana tsked.
"You can't let that stop you, Arthur," she said. "You shouldn't go through with it if you don't want to. That's not good for your health or the baby's. And eventually it would put strain on your relationship with Merlin, you know that."
"Yes, yes, I know, you're right," Arthur grumbled, "But how do I tell him?"
"You just have to do it," She said. "As soon as possible. Be blunt."
Arthur sighed.
"Tonight, Arthur, no later," Morgana chided. "The longer you wait the harder it will be."
"I know."
"It's going to be fine," she said, "I promise. Merlin will understand."
There was some muffled speaking on Morgana's end.
"Look, I've got to go. Call me later, alright?"
"I will. Thanks."
"Everything will be fine," she said again.
"Okay."
"Okay. Talk to you soon."
"Bye."
Then there was a click as Morgana hung up the phone, and once again Arthur was left looking around his quiet office without a clue what to do next.
Arthur's cell phone buzzed later that day with a text from Merlin:
I'm making baked chicken for dinner, your favorite! Come home early? Stress isn't good for the baby. Plus, I have plans for u tonight mister ;)
Arthur stared at the screen. He didn't realize he was shaking until he heard Gwen's voice saying, "Are you alright? You look like you're about to faint."
Arthur shook his head to clear it.
"Fine," Arthur grinned at her, "Just feeling a bit ill, that's all."
"Is it to do with your doctor's visit the other day?" Gwen asked. In her hands was a thick yellow folder that she probably meant to give to Arthur, but she appeared to have forgotten all about it in favor of scanning Arthur's face anxiously.
"A bit, yeah. Nothing to worry about."
"You look a really pale," Gwen said, "Maybe you should go home."
Arthur pursed his lips.
"You won't do yourself any good staying here and making yourself even more sick," Gwen said, "I can handle this," she held up the folder, "You go home and get some rest."
"Aren't I the boss of you?" Arthur asked, but there was no heat in his words.
Gwen smiled.
"Of course you are. I'll get you your coat."
I'll tell him as soon as I walk through the door, Arthur told himself as he rode the elevator up to his apartment floor, 'Hey babe, I love you, but I don't want to have a baby.'
Arthur thought those words over and over as he stepped out of the elevator and started digging in his pocket for the door key. He had to tell him, he had to, and he will. He absolutely will do it right now.
Arthur turned the key in the lock and opened the door, prepared to call out to Merlin.
His resolve evaporated as soon as he saw what was inside.
Every light inside the apartment was turned off except for the warm glow of the candles that were placed all about the entryway. Arthur carefully toed off his shoes and crept into the dining room, almost fearing what he would find.
More candles were set in various places all around the room, the brightest of them glowing from their place in the center of the table.
The table was covered neatly with a tablecloth. It bore a slender bottle of wine and two place settings. Arthur recognized the silverware from their wedding china.
"Arthur, is that you?"
Merlin poked his head out of the doorway to the kitchen and grinned at Arthur's dumbfounded expression.
"Do you like it? The wine isn't alcoholic, I promise."
Arthur couldn't say anything. His feet were rooted to the spot, and he felt like he couldn't breathe.
"It isn't too much, is it?" Merlin walked fully into the room, wearing an apron over a shirt and tie. "I thought we could do something romantic, to celebrate."
Arthur made a noise in the back of his throat. The whole thing was heartbreakingly beautiful: the candles, the smell of chicken wafting from the kitchen, Merlin's smile as he wrapped his arms around Arthur's waist.
Merlin's touch seemed to trigger movement in Arthur, so he could wind his arms around Merlin and bury his nose in his neck and breathe him in.
"This is great. Thank you."
Merlin squeezed and held him for a while.
"Dinner is just about ready," he murmured, and pressed a kiss to Arthur's lips before disentangling himself from Arthur's embrace. "Sit down, I'll be out in a second."
He disappeared back into the kitchen, and Arthur needed to take a moment to collect himself before he took off his coat and draped it over the back of his chair. He took his seat at the table and listened to the sounds of Merlin preparing in the next room. He was humming a jaunty, nonsensical tune just loud enough for Arthur to hear.
Arthur fiddled with his fork on the table, working his lower lip with his teeth. If there were any time to tell Merlin, now would be it. Should he tell him before they start eating, or after? No doubt Merlin has some dessert planned for them, maybe that would be the better time. Then Merlin would be relaxed and content, rather than bubbling with energy as he was now.
Merlin emerged from the kitchen with a "ta-da!" and a platter of chicken in his hands.
"Your dinner, sir," Merlin said with a flourish, dishing one piece of chicken on Arthur's plate and another on his own. The chicken was baked in carrots and green beans and onions, and Arthur's mouth watered.
Merlin took his seat after pouring them both a glass of non-alcoholic wine.
"A toast," he said, lifting his glass, "To you. To our family."
Arthur lifted his glass with shaking hands.
"To us," he said.
Merlin smiled. His eyes were shimmering in the candlelight, so full of adoration and contentment that Arthur couldn't help but return the smile as they clinked their glasses together.
"I love you," he said.
"I love you too," said Merlin, "You have no idea."
For a moment they watched each other, glasses suspended in the air, caught frozen in the love from the other's gaze.
"Well," Merlin said at last, "Dig in!"
So Arthur did. The chicken was delicious, as was the wine, surprisingly. The conversation was so easy, so quiet in the mood set by the candles, that Arthur decided he wouldn't spoil it by telling Merlin his secret. Not yet, not tonight. As Merlin's voice lulled him, Arthur let the thought drift into the back of his mind, where it stayed for the rest of the evening.
They fell into bed together after dinner was over and the dishes were piled away in the sink. Arthur didn't think about what he had to say while Merlin was on top of him, pressing kisses all down Arthur's front, whispering his "I love you"s into every crevice of Arthur's body. The thought of the tiny life inside him went away completely as Merlin held Arthur in his arms, and for that one shining moment everything was perfect.
It wasn't until later, when Arthur woke up during the night, that the thought returned to him. It came with an overwhelming sense of guilt that stirred up the shame in his chest.
The room was dark and Arthur was pinned underneath the weight of Merlin's arms and legs wrapped around him. Merlin was snoring softly into Arthur's armpit.
Arthur extracted himself carefully and made his way out of the bedroom. It was dark out here too. Arthur had blown the candles all out while Merlin cleaned up the table. They sat now with their wicks black and twisted, ghosts of the contentment they'd given only hours earlier. They surrounded Arthur and Arthur wanted to shove them all aside to somewhere they wouldn't mock him.
The clock on the stove told him that it was nearing midnight. Arthur wandered out of the kitchen and into the dining room, then out into the living room. Moonlight lit up the rooms in square patches from the windows, giving everything an eerie sort of look. Arthur shivered.
He touched his fingers to his abdomen and thought of his husband sleeping in the bedroom. He thought of every smile, every joyful kiss Merlin had given him ever since Arthur told him the news that he was pregnant. He thought of how excited Merlin was when thinking about their future together with their child.
Before Arthur realized what was happening, he was crying. Tears were pouring from his eyes at an alarming rate, streaking hot down his cheeks. He hugged his arms around himself and sobbed.
At some point he sank down and curled up on the couch. He pulled his knees up to his chest and leaned his head against them, trying hard to catch his breath. Every time he tried it came out as a sob, and the tears would come again.
He didn't hear Merlin's sleepy call for him from the bedroom, and he didn't hear the footsteps approaching until Merlin was kneeling on the floor in front of him.
"Hey," Merlin whispered, curling his fingers around Arthur's ankles, "Arthur, shh. What's wrong?"
Arthur gulped. He couldn't meet Merlin's eye.
"You can tell me," Merlin said. He was rubbing circles into the skin at Arthur's heels. "What's the matter?"
"I can't," Arthur shuddered, "I…"
"Can't what?"
Arthur closed his eyes, causing more tears to fall.
"This baby," he whispered, "I can't do it."
Merlin's fingers paused their soothing motions.
"What do you mean?"
Arthur took a shuddering breath.
"I don't want to have this baby."
He said it so quietly that he wasn't sure Merlin heard him. For a while Merlin said nothing.
"You said you wanted kids," Merlin said doubtfully.
Arthur shook his head.
"I did," he said, "But not now. It's too soon, I'm not ready yet. I can't have a baby now. I'm sorry." Arthur's voice broke. "Every time I think about having this baby I get so fucking scared, Merlin, I can't breathe. I don't know what to do."
"Why didn't you tell me?"
Arthur opened his eyes. Merlin was looking at him with a strange look of confusion and concern. Somewhere Arthur thought he could see the devastation he'd been dreading.
"Because," he choked out, "You were so happy when I told you. And you've been happy ever since, and I wasn't expecting that. I thought you'd be scared, like I was, but then you were so excited and I didn't want to take that away from you." He blinked as more tears fell. "I didn't want to tell you and see you so disappointed."
"And you've felt like this the whole time?" Merlin asked quietly. Arthur nodded.
"I'm sorry."
It was a moment before Merlin said, "No, I'm sorry."
Arthur sniffed.
"What?"
Merlin got up to sit next to Arthur on the couch, winding his arms around Arthur.
"I should have seen it," Merlin said, "If you've been this miserable the whole time I should have noticed. I was too wrapped up in my own happiness, I thought you wanted this too. I'm sorry."
Arthur leaned into Merlin.
"Are you angry?"
Merlin shook his head.
"No. I won't lie and say I'm not disappointed. I am. But I'm glad that you told me because right now I care more about you than a baby that hasn't been born. I'm mostly sad that you didn't say something earlier." He pressed a kiss to the top of Arthur's head. "I don't want to have a child unless you are every bit as happy about it as I am."
"I'm sorry," Arthur said again.
Merlin's hands started rubbing again, up and down Arthur's arms.
"It's alright," Merlin murmured, "I'm glad you told me now, before it's too late."
"So if I make an appointment at the abortion clinic tomorrow, you'd be okay with that?"
Merlin was quiet for a second, but he held Arthur even closer.
"Of course I would."
Arthur could hear the hesitation in Merlin's voice, but the way he held him reassured Arthur that he would stand by what he said.
"But it's your baby too."
"Maybe. But I'm not the one being forced to carry it. If you don't want to have it then that's that. I'll be okay with whichever choice you make."
Arthur sighed against Merlin's chest as a fraction of the anxiety started to melt away.
"I love you so much, Merlin."
Merlin kissed him again.
"Come on," he said, "Let's go back to bed. We can talk more in the morning."
Merlin got up off the couch and lifted Arthur up with him, steadying him with his hands.
"It'll be alright," Merlin said, rubbing away the tears that were still pooling around Arthur's eyes.
"I meant it when I said I want kids, one day," Arthur said. He put his hands on Merlin's hips, partly to ground himself, partly to reassure himself that Merlin was still here. "I want to have a family with you. Just not yet."
Merlin's answering smile was small, but it was there.
"Not yet."
They lingered there in the living room, hands and foreheads pressed against each other, before Merlin broke away to lead them back to the bedroom.
When they climbed back into bed Arthur almost started to break down again, so Merlin pulled him into his arms and murmured reassurances into his ear until he calmed.
When Arthur finally fell back asleep, the anxiety still hadn't quite gone away. But there was immense relief in the simple fact that Merlin knew now, and Arthur didn't have to keep pretending. Merlin knew, and he supported Arthur's decision.
One day Arthur would be ready, and he and Merlin would have the most beautiful family they could ever dream of. For now, Arthur thought, they would be okay with just the two of them.
The End
AN: This was my first mpreg fic so I'm a bit nervous. Thank you for reading!