I don't know what came over me but this came over me while watching a CM rerun. And just had to write this crazy one shot team fic!
. I do not own any characters from the series Criminal Minds.
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You don't Mess with Baby Girl!
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Penelope Garcia, BAU technical Analysis was furious.
Derek Morgan, FBI BAU profiler; Special agent, special friend to Penelope Garcia. He was her extraordinaire chocolate god of gods and extremely suave and extremely sweet to all the ladies who smile at him but an uber loyal friend to his Baby Girl. No one messed with her or hurt her, and got away with it!
Of course, when they are together, watch out! They were a lethal and ruthless pair!
Oh yeah! Kevin Lynch knew it; he was warned not to screw with his baby girl. He messed up with Penelope once and when Derek found out.
Kevin saw Derek flexing his muscles and talked about taking care of him at the gym.
Kevin, naturally began to sweat copiously. He suddenly found his collar too tight around his neck as he nervously worked to loosen them only that he couldn't! He began to panic as he imagined Derek's strong hands wrapping around his fragile skin!
Of course he found it was not so as it was only his own paranoid hands wrapping his own neck!
Silly man.
Well, luckily for him, if you could call it that, the BAU team had been called out to an emergency case out of town.
Kevin considered it a reprieve.
But he knew it was an inevitable postponement.
He wondered if it was not too late to put in for a job transfer but alas! There was none.
There was a hiring freeze at the moment in the government.
He tried to apologize to Penelope but she had ignored his phone calls, his texts and even his emails! All his electronics strategy and tricks were foiled and rejected; she was just too smart for him; she had put a complete block on the electronic network and effectively cut him off.
Kevin was buzzard meat and stinky tofu fodder.
All because he complimented Cherry Musterweaver from the Cybercrime department.
And Penelope had gotten wind of it; how, he didn't know.
In the meantime, Garcia was incensed.
How could that four-eyed weasel ex-boyfriend say that …that pimply-faced Cherry Musterweaver's perfume smelled like hers? Garcia fumed! Not even close! Stinky Mustardweave used a cheap and disgusting watered down perfume from Walgreens while Garcia's was from Nordstrom's Donna Karan Cashmere and it was not cheap!
"Grr!" Garcia growled again. "More like Mustardstinking!" she said caustically. "And as for you, Kevin Lynch, you're not getting away with this so easily! Grr!"
"Err…PG, you're growling again." Emily grinned.
Garcia snapped he head at her, "Do not talk to me at the moment, Emily Prentiss! I'm in my mood!" She was strapping into the seat in the jet.
Emily widened her eyes as she reared back in her seat. "Okay. I'm sealing my lips. But before I do, are you still piss at him?"
Garcia nodded her head, "Of course I am! He is so off the list!"
"Oh dear!" JJ said. "Not the list."
Reid frowned at them, "What list? What are you guys talking about?"
"You mean you don't know about the list?" Emily looked around the group and laughed.
"Hey, I just got included in the list and I'm not screwing it." Dave shook his head.
"What list?" Reid asked.
"Baby Girl, trust me will you? When I get back, I'll take care of him."He said firmly.
"Derek, I can handle him."
"Not the way I wanted to." He grinned as he cracked his knuckles for emphasis.
Dave and Hotch looked up from their files and exchanged worried looks, "Do I even want to know?" Dave said.
"Oh, I don't think so."Emily shook her head.
"Um, should we make sure his will and affairs are in order?" Hotch pointed.
Reid frowned, "What? But…Derek…you wouldn't, would you? I mean, Hotch, you've seen it before?"
He shrugged nonchalantly.
JJ and Emily pursed their lips as they tried not to break into laughter.
"Garcia, seriously?" Reid began to look agitated. "You won't let Derek get into trouble, would you?"
"Derek will fight for me, wouldn't you, my love?" She asked calmly.
He nodded, "For you, anything. I'll even move the mountain if you want." He smiled.
Emily and JJ motioned as though they were retching.
Dave and Hotch were grinning. "Okay… can we begin with our briefing?"
…..
Ten days later, the team came back looking as if they had taken a sound thrashing.
Garcia was dragging her feet as Derek carried her bags for her as well as his.
The team spread out to their desks as they laid their bags by their desks before they sat down.
"Someone drag me home please." Emily placed her head on the desk and groaned.
"Do I even have a home to go to?" Derek flopped onto his chair heavily.
Kevin Lynch peeked into the bull pen, "Er, is it safe to come in?"
Derek cracked an eye opened, "Boy, you'd better disappear as fast as you appear."
Kevin grinned as he spotted Derek, "Ah, Derek! Just the person I wanted to talk to." He began to approach near him. "Er, I just want to say, you and I need to talk and the gym is not the place."
Derek shook his head, "Lynch, get out of my face now. I'm not in the mood." He closed his eyes.
But Kevin remained where he was. "Er, no Derek. I'm still here and I'll be until you talk to me. Talk, not hit." He emphasized.
Emily lifted her head and watched while Reid frowned.
JJ had poked her head out of her office; she had dragged her chair out of her office and was watching from her office with rapt interest.
Derek began to shake his head, "Lynch, if we talk now, would it get rid you permanently?"
Kevin frowned, "Er that depends on what you mean by permanently. I mean do you mean, are you going to maim me? Or are you settling this score like a gentleman?"
"Someone please spare me!" Derek muttered. "I don't care, Kevin. Either way. Anything to get rid of you so you'll stop buggin'."
Kevin tilted his head as he contemplated, "I see. Okay, that sounds reasonable. I accept your terms."
Derek moved his head up and looked at him, "Wha…?" He looked around the bullpen at the team. "What did I just said?"
"I think you told him you're going to pummel him." Emily mumbled.
"Er, no, you told him you'll talk to him to now just to get rid of him." Reid said. "Which I find it much more reasonable, rather than your original threat of physical harm."
"What?" Kevin whipped his head to look at Reid. "He said that?"
"Yes, when we left ten days ago. He said he'll take care of you but I don't think he meant it in an affectionate term."
Derek almost fell of his chair as he quickly stood up; he was wide awake now as he faced Reid.
Emily was laughing uncontrollably as well as JJ over in her office.
"Reid!"Derek frowned at the slim agent, "That was not what I had meant."
"I know that, Derek!"Reid pointed.
"Er, what do you mean?" Kevin asked as he began to step away from Derek now that he was staring at his height.
Derek turned to Kevin and said, "Okay, let's get this over with. Penelope…"
"Is standing right here." Garcia was standing by the glass door of the bull pen as she was watching Morgan and Kevin.
Kevin rushed to stand before Garcia, "Penelope!" He tried to smile at her but she was not responding to him. His smile faltered. "Look, listen to me, Penelope. First of all, I just want to say…"
Garcia shook her head, "Don't Kevin, I'm done with you. Just get out of here." She turned away from him.
"NO!" He exclaimed and stopped instantly when he realized what he'd done and paled instantly.
Garcia turned back slowly to him as he saw anger in her face.
"Uh oh…here comes the volcano, it's about to erupt…" Emily said as she arched an eye brow.
Garcia slowly walked right up to Kevin and began, "YOU! DON'T! YELL! AT! ME!" poking at him when she yelled each word.
Her team members winced with him as he voiced 'ouch' every time she poked him.
Kevin was rubbing at the sore spot on his chest as he began to stutter, "I…I…I'm sorry, cupcake…"
"Do not call me that! You do not have the privilege to use that endearment anymore, Kevin."
Kevin nodded, "Yes…yes…I understand, I'm sorry. I'm really sorry, Penelope, will you forgive me? I'll never look at anyone again…not that I was in the first place, I was being nice to Cherry…"
Garcia held her hand out, "Stop! Kevin! Do not ever mention her name here ever again!"
"Yes, Muffin."
"And don't call me that either."
Derek came over to stand beside her, his bags over his shoulders, "Lynch, you'd better leave now."
"But…but...we haven't had our talk, Derek." He said.
Derek shook his head. "No. As far as I'm concerned, it's done. We're through." He'd placed his arm on Garcia's shoulder, "Ready to go home?"
She nodded.
"Uh, I'll take you home, Penelope."
Derek and Garcia shook their heads together, "No, Lynch." Morgan shook his head. "I'm taking her home.
Kevin shook his head. "I'm her boyfriend, I should be the one, Derek."
JJ, who was standing by Reid and Emily, was watching in amazement, "Either he's brave or he's just that dumb."
Reid frowned, "Kevin works as a computer analysis, so he's pretty intelligent and also he is her boyfriend although the bureau's still on the bubble on their fraternization rules where dating each other is concern but Garcia and Kevin are not in the same department…." He paused when he realized Emily and JJ were giving him the look and he stopped talking.
JJ and Emily shook their heads and turned back to the other three.
"Kevin, in case you don't realize it but you no longer fall into the category of the boyfriend status as soon as you hit on that floozy."
"But I…didn't hit on her, I just complimented on her perfume. It was …"
"Kevin, stop." Derek shook his head. "It doesn't matter, you talked to her and it's a no-no."
Kevin's eyes widened, "It's no-no?"
Derek shook his head, "No. You don't compliment. Not ever."
"Oh." Kevin said. "But I didn't know."
"Well, now you do." Garcia said.
"Let's go, Baby girl, I'm tired." Derek yawned as he ushered her out of the glass door.
Garcia nodded as she walked out and they left the bull pen.
JJ and Reid watched after them, "Well, I guess we'll see another day of Kevin Lynch."
"Yeah, he lived." Emily grinned. "Lucky bastard but we'll see what tomorrow will bring."
JJ chuckled. "Come on, Spence, walk me to my car and you need to get home too."
He nodded as he stood up and retrieved his satchel and together they left the bull pen after biding Emily a good night.
Dave Rossi left soon after, leaving Hotch and Emily.
"You ready?" Hotch came down with his brief case.
Emily stood up and grabbed her bags and nodded, "Yes, I am."
"You heading to bed?" He asked her as they walked out of the bull pen.
She grinned, "Not quite, I just bought a hot tub and have yet to break into it."
Hotch smiled, "Hot tub, huh? Sounds wonderful, good for the sore muscle."
She looked at him as they stepped into the elevator, "Oh, it's not for the sore muscle I'm getting it for, would you like to help me christen it, Agent Hotchner?"
"Why, Agent Prentiss, I'd be delighted to help you with the activity." They chuckled as the elevator door closed.
…..
The End