As the green light of a silent killing curse hit him, Harry only had one thought. 'Well shit, I hope nothing extremely cliche and contrived happens to me.' And then he died.
"Hey, he's awake! Quick, prepare the cliche-o-matic!" someone called out. Harry opened his eyes, sat up and looked around. "Where the bloody hell am I?" He pondered.
"You're in the afterlife, Harry! It's our job to provide you with a convenient, contrived excuse to either A: Go back and start it all again, or B: come back to life and repair the magical world! Now it's time to spin the cliche-o-matic! Step right up!" said the strange man.
Harry stepped up, and pulled the lever to spin the cliche-o-matic, because he didn't see any other alternatives. Suddenly, it lurched to life, giving an immense shudder, and the five wheels started spinning…
The first wheel landed on jackpot.
The second wheel landed on jackpot.
The third wheel landed on jackpot.
The fourth wheel landed on jackpot.
The fifth wheel landed on jackpot.
"Well, that wasn't supposed to happen."
"What do you mean?"
"Well, you're going to be sent back to the magical world to the time you were sorted in order to repair all the magical world's problems. Also, you're going to be half veela, half succubus, half crumple-horned snorkack, and half house-elf this go-round.
"W-what?!"
"But hey, at least you'll have this ridiculous list of powers!" With that, the stranger handed Harry a list, which stretched on for 9¾ feet, and was written in incredibly tiny text.
"Blood magic, necromancy, insanely good warding abilities, light magic affinity, dark magic affinity, shiny golden dementor-destroying patroni, a soul bond with… Ginny Weasley, another soul bond with Hermione Granger, ...oh dear god, Draco Malfoy!"
"You can't kill your bondmates, by the way."
"...HEDWIG?!"
"She's an animagus now."
"Still doesn't make it any less weird."
"True."
"What other big surprises do I need to deal with?"
"Well, you have a twin brother who everybody thinks is the boy who lived, you have a perfect memory, you can speak any language expertly, and a lot of other things. Finish reading your bonds."
"Fleur Delacour, Gabrielle Delacour… isn't she about 7 right now?"
"Yep."
"Bugger."
"You also have natural mental barriers and things, plus if you do anything too stupid, we'll be covering your ass. Oh, and you're the heir of Gryffindor, Slytherin, Ravenclaw, and not Hufflepuff, because nobody likes hufflepuffs. That's Neville."
After a good foot of godawful soul bonds, including Severus Snape and other unmentionable people, including but not limited to: Peter Pettigrew, Lucius Malfoy, Albus Dumbledore, Minerva McGonagall, and Bellatrix Lestrange, Harry pulled out his wand, raised it to his brow, and said one simple spell. "Avada Kedavra!"
"Now I wish I didn't waste so much time preparing that whole list; I could have been done in three days instead of a month", quipped Lord Voldemort.
AN: This is pretty bad, but it was rampaging around in my head, and I needed to write it out. Please don't be unreasonably rude with reviews, however I don't mind criticism. Nothing can be improved without it, even if it's just your own.