Disclaimer: I don't own Neon Genesis: Evangelion.
Author's Note: What was I thinking?
Honestly, I just wanted to see if I could write a Hikari/Rei fic, and where the story would go if I did. Turns out—surprise! surprise!—it led exactly where everything else related to NGE leads! The end of the world, existential identity crises, and confrontations with an individual's loneliness! Ha ha—EAT THAT, ANNO!—so the pacing kind slipped from lighthearted fluff material to hilariously meandering pseudo-serious snippets to rather poorly-done existential drama tinged with a half-assed philosophical wank-off session.
Looking at it now, I guess it actually makes more sense when it's read backwards. Huh.
The very end was originally formatted a lot differently. I played with the margins in the MS Word draft, but since there are no margins here, it kind of makes it useless. So in order to get even remotely close to how I had envisioned, I'm falling back on center alignment.
I'd like to thank ficlord for making me remember that I could still write fanfiction.
"Do you fear loneliness?"
---
"Yeah, I didn't know that either."
"Where'd you learn that, anyway?"
"I read it a book somewhere…"
The voices faded as the door closed, and shut the last occupants into the girls' locker room. A pair of pale arms wrapped around a freckled brunette from behind. A nose slid through wet brown hair. A warm breath was released across an earlobe, and the shocked brunette never heard herself sigh. Goose bumps.
The voices returned, just outside the door: "Hang on girls, I left my phone back there—thought I was missing something."
Far away, a door opened. A pair of crimson eyes showed their whites, and the pale arms slid away. Freckles put a hand on the cool metal surface of the nearby locker to steady herself, visibly shaking.
Footsteps approached, halting on the other side of the locker bank. Ca-chungs, ki-chinks, some clatters, and an exclamation of approval followed. More footsteps. The door closed.
There was a rustle of clothing. A girl with blue hair paused at the corner of the locker bank, staring intently at the brunette. A ghost of a smile passed over her for a split-second, before she turned and walked out the door.
---
Indemnity
---
"You're blushing."
After Hikari visibly twitched, she mentally decided to keep her mind on the dinner at hand. She could spot Kodama from where stood in the doorway, leaning against the frame.
"I am not."
"You are too." How her older sister just loved to tease her.
"I am not!" Her face glowed even brighter. "It's just the heat from this stove, that's all."
"Mhmm," The older girl stalked closer to her prey, something behind her back making her hide a smirk. "Then I suppose that it has nothing to do with… this?"
A smiling Shinji Ikari dangled in front of her face, trapped on the front of a glossy two-by-three.
"Where did you get that?!" She tried to snatch it away, but Kodama looped the picture around, holding it in a mock-obsessive pose close to her heart.
"That's what I'd like to know—where'd you get him?" She kept her back to her younger sister as she stepped toward the door, effortlessly blocking the hands that tried to get at the photograph. Her eyes never left it. "What's his name? How's his family? Who are his friends? You're not falling for another jock, are you? Actually, this guy doesn't really look like a jock—"
Hikari succeeded in grabbing the photo back. "No, he's not a jock." She shoved it into a pocket on her skirt, defiant. "And stop going into my room for pictures of—"
"How come you haven't brought him home, yet?"
She felt herself heat up a little, but it wasn't really a blush.
Kodama's eyebrows shot up into her hairline. "Ooh, you really like him, don't you? I can see why—he's got a nice forehead. And you know what they say about foreheads…"
But somewhere between thinking about the way his lips formed into that carefree expression, and the way his voice sounded when he was so unsure of himself, another collage of images assaulted her—
The whispers she got off to late at night weren't of Shinji—or even of her old crush.
"When do I get to meet him?"
It was Rei's voice she heard in the dark—
"Do you guys have nicknames for each other, yet?"
"K-Kodama…" Her face was burning, and the front of her skirt was scrunched in the palms of her hands.
"Aww, I'm not embarrassing you, am I?" Giggles. "Don't worry, kid. When he comes home with you, I'll try not to make the two of you too uncomfortable." She started leave, but paused at the door frame, turning around with a strange expression. "And your chicken's burning."
Maybe she was blushing. But it was still mostly from the heat of the stove.
---
She stared at the ceiling of her bedroom. Shadows played tricks across the inverted surface, branches and leaves being tossed about in the wind outside. The rustling was a soothing sound, bringing back memories of a happier childhood; waiting for sleep to come when she was little, listening to the wind buffet the house on the eve of a thunderstorm, low pressure zones coming through and making the leaves slide against each other—
Her thoughts wandered to Ikari, to Shinji; to the uneasy, somewhat cheerless boy who seemed to live in a vague state of perpetual uncertainty. She idly wondered what he was doing at the moment—sleeping? eating? bickering with Asuka? lounging with his S-DAT?
A pair of red eyes interrupted her thought pattern; the way they glinted in the subtle light of the girls' locker room, how they sparkled with strange curiosity as she felt the tingles along her skin, the goose bumps, how they flickered across her face and stared into her soul. How they made her skin flush crimson, how they flattered her without words, how—
She jammed her eye shut and rubbed the bridge of her nose. How was she going to get any sleep like this?
Behind her, in the top drawer of her dresser, a photograph of a boy who was a jock—5"x7" glossy, taken in junior high, a candid moment—laughed with a group of friends, forever stuck in time.
---
Asuka called her the next morning.
"Hikari?" The voice sounded far away and troubled.
"Asuka," Hikari started, "what's wrong?"
"…I'm not coming to school today," the other girl replied after a pause. "I… I don't feel well."
"Is there anything I can—"
"No."
"Asuka—"
"I just don't feel good."
She opened her mouth to speak, but there was no one there.
---
"Yo, Shin-man. Where to for lunch?"
It was just after the lunch bell had rung, and the students were in the process of filing out of the room. Hikari had waited at her desk—pretending to be sorting through the handouts to define a particular order, her thoughts still focused on the previous encounter in the gym locker room.
"I dunno. I figure we could go up on the rooftop today. The air is good for us."
Asuka's Stooges were the last ones to scuffle out. She hoped to see Shinji glance her way, but he walked out of the door in front of Kensuke.
"With all the pollution around here? How do you figure?"
Toji lingered at the doorframe, a hand resting on it as he turned and glimpsed at toward her seat. The papers she sorted through on her desk had suddenly become enormously interesting to shuffle.
It looked like he was about to say something, but he didn't, and soon the space was empty.
"I read it in a book."
The classroom was almost deserted by the time Rei approached her desk. Hikari saw her out of the corner of her eye, and hastened her shuffling and busyness. She braced herself as the pale girl drew nearer and nearer, now only a row away, closing her eyes at the surfacing memory of the previous afternoon—
She felt a light caress that crept up the side of her shoulder; a fingertip's worth of contact that turned into the side, then palm of the whole hand. It didn't stop, but continued across her shoulder, across the base of her neck, across her back, until it lost contact by the time it had just gotten to the opposite arm. Hikari shivered as she felt the pleasurable sensation of goose bumps across her arms. She barely registered the sigh she released.
She opened her eyes to see Rei retreating through the door. It could have been a trick of her eyes, but it looked as though the girl peered over her shoulder at her. That didn't mean—she couldn't—could she? Then she realized just how much blood had flushed into her face.
Granted, it wasn't nearly as intimate as what had happened the previous day, but still… Maybe it was the way she touched, or the pressure she applied, or the look in her eye as she departed, or—hell—it could just be that notion of the 'taboo' was enticing. She'd read a few articles on that in between cleaning and cooking.
The goose bumps came back at the thought.
She resolved to follow the girl—she wouldn't have paused for that split-second if she hadn't intended it to mean something, right?—unless, she didn't pause, and Hikari had just imagined it—but she couldn't that delusional yet.
As she closed the zipper on her schoolbag, a flash of white slipped out onto the chair. She was too preoccupied with other thoughts to notice a two-by-three glossy Shinji Ikari staring out at her as she closed the classroom door.
Rei stood in the stairwell, off to the side of the door to the courtyard, hidden from above by the alcove underneath the stairs. The lights in this particular area had blown out when the first angel came, and were never repaired since the maintenance crew and custodians were typically busy trying to keep the south side roof of the building from collapsing from water damage. A few fluorescent lights never ranked very high on their priority lists.
Hikari spotted the girl as she made haste down the steps. Her footfalls had filled the stairwell with soft claps and clops, which immediately stopped four paces from the bottom. The hem of her skirt, her ponytails, she even felt the hairs on her arm waver thanks to the inertia of her sudden stop.
Rei's gaze was piercing, stoic, unwavering. She felt her own heart slam against her sternum—nude vulnerability—Rei's never ending stare. The goose bumps returned in a tsunami of sensitivity.
"Ah…"
No words came out. They were supposed to, but all she could utter was a noise somewhere between a startled yelp and a short exclamation.
"Class Representative Horaki," Rei was so cool. Her words were a soothing breeze on a hot summer day. Her words were silken sheets running across a warm, naked body. Her words were relaxing on the most basic, instinctual, distinctly subliminal level.
"Rei…"
Was that a grin? "Hello, Hikari." Her head inclined the slightest bit, and her eyes beckoned to the brunette on the staircase.
She obeyed the speechless command, and approached, taking each step carefully. Her eyes never left Rei's unblinking comfort.
The girl stopped her advance directly in front of the seductress. She felt Rei take her hand with her own, applying the lightest pressure to the back, in between the knuckles of her thumb and index finger. She didn't need to see it for it to make her heart beat through her chest.
Rei's other hand slid up the girl's other arm, across her shoulder, up her neck, settling against her cheek. She slid forward, her palm cupping her cheek, fingers sliding into her hair. Hikari broke the eye contact when she felt her eyes close, the mere feeling of the pale hand slipping through her scalp, the proximity—she could feel Rei's breath against her face. Her empty hand grappled the front of her dress. She didn't even notice how it began to cramp. She was having enough trouble trying to keep her shallow breaths under control.
She could feel Rei's intense gaze, even though her eyes were closed. It was a reminder, far in the back of her mind; a little thought running around, almost ignored thanks to the physical sensations that had all but canceled out all the other thoughts. Rei's breath was against her face now, the tickle of a soft current across her cheek. She dared to think how close their lips were—and she knew the distance was closing fast.
She knew she didn't tell it to, but her left arm released the death grip it held on her skirt, and had somehow rested itself on the hip of the other girl.
When she opened her eyes, she saw Rei's crimson irises smiling back at her, an inch and a half away.
But then the bell rang, and she gasped, instantly releasing Ayanami's hip and pulling out of the almost-embrace she had found herself wrapped up in. She didn't notice the splash of shock that flashed across the face of her blue haired companion—it disappeared as soon as it surfaced. At the moment, her face was about as red as the other girl's eyes.
"Wh-what was—what were we—who—"
"We must return to class, Horaki." Rei's calm demeanor was comforting in the strangest way.
"W-weren't you just…" she trailed off and a few students started coming into the stairwell from the doors, the cavern filling with footfalls. "…What happened to just 'Hikari'?"
A couple dragged each other through the doorway, and the girl's giggle seemed remarkably resonant within the roar of the student flood. Hikari didn't understand why her ears picked the sound up.
Another eerie grin. "If you wish."
"N-no, that's not—" She flushed again. "I-I didn't mean it like—that's not what I meant!"
But Rei had already disappeared into the crowd, and Hikari had to find a way to get the blood out of her face.
---
"So you take this uh, this conjugate, right, and you kind of, um—jezus—I don't know, divide it or something, multiply it by the ah, the result of this other… rather complex looking… um, contraption, this quadratic equation over here, and like, that should invert, I think, and give you this exponential… growth of… parallel… decay. Yeah. Like that straight line, see? Come on, people—this is precalculus for chrissake! Try not to take it so literally! It's not an exact science!"
Hikari breathed into her hand and drew another page of whirligigs and spirals instead of taking notes. This was what happened when the school was understaffed and resorted to using English professors to teach Mathematics. Results included bad influences and worse test scores.
"And then, you take this uh, this symbol I guess, I think it looks like a three, but it's probably Greek, and um, well, if you ask me, I think you should try to find its motivation, its purpose. Yeah, and uh, and well, and… you basically need to find out what the author is intending to say, or like—well that doesn't work, does it?—why did the person who wrote this equation use that symbol and not a different symbol. So, if I were to, say, give you a test on this, I'd probably ask you something like that… 'describe the symbolism and development of this' uh, 'this'… hmm, 'this here thing'."
She caught Rei's gaze, reflecting in the window. The puffy clouds outside turned from white to grey and oppressive, but they were so far away, hovering on the horizon.
"Shit, I don't even know why kids your age need to learn calculus anyway."
---
"Do you fear loneliness?"
---
Hikari lingered in the showers longer than usual, and before long the locker room was practically empty. A few girls lingered near the door, patting themselves over, removing wrinkles from their skirts, but soon the door swung shut and they were nowhere to be found. That was when she turned off the shower and reached for a towel, but in her blind groping her hand landed on the smooth flesh of another girl's arm. The albino stared back, unblinking; the hint of a smirk tweaking the corners of her lips. Hikari was entranced by this gaze.
"Rei…"
The bizarre naked girl with the smirk just leaned forward until the Class Representative was trapped in a kiss. Immediately, she was overcome by emotion—
---
She could see both of them lingering on the rooftop. Rei's dress wavered in the wind. Toji's hair swept across his forehead. It looked as though he was staring at her—leaning on the railing, picturesque forlorn hero—gaze settled on the window through which she spied. Rei's lips moved in synchronization to the currents of the wind.
---
"Class Rep…?" Toji stared at her, the setting sun silhouetting half of his face.
"Suzahara, what are you still doing here?"
"I missed lunch," he mumbled. "And with the duties today… I never had a chance to eat."
"You always eat from the school cafeteria, don't you?" She felt kind of sad that he never had his own meals to eat.
"Yeah," he sighed. "Nobody's home that cooks very well, so I just do what's convenient." He shrugged.
"Well—" she started, stopped, got the heartbeat back, "I always have leftovers when I make lunch for my sisters," she said. "It'd be no problem if—well—I mean, if you're hungry…"
He raised his eyebrows. "Really? I could take those off your hands for you."
"Sure!" she exclaimed, a little too quickly. "That'd be great."
"Thanks, Hikari." It was a genuine smile that the two of them shared.
---
"Shinji!" The class representative called out to him as he was leaving the building.
He stopped, a strange expression crossing his face as he regarded the girl. "Class rep," he said.
She managed to keep her heartbeat under control as she approached him. "How's, um—how's Asuka doing? She didn't come in today." He seemed even more out of it than normal, she noticed.
He looked away, shrugging, wilting. "She's… not so great." His following pause was actually a period.
"Oh…" she said, after awhile. "Well, could you please give these handouts to her? They're what we did in class today."
He nodded. "Yeah, okay. I know."
He started walking again, but Hikari wasn't finished. "Hey, wait—" She run-hopped to catch up with him.
He stopped again, tiredly.
"Do you… do you know anything about Ayanami?" she asked.
The pilot's eyebrows scrunched. "Ayanami? You've known her longer than I have."
"Yeah, but—you two are pilots, so I figured…"
He winced, sighed, looked around uncertainly. "No, I don't, really." He took a few steps backward as he spoke. "Sorry." If he had stridden any faster, he'd have been running.
Hikari could only watch as he rounded the next corner and disappeared.
---
"Do you fear loneliness?"
---
They sat on the roof.
"So… Toji Suzaharra is the lucky guy, huh?" Strands of her red hair sparkled in the sun like silken fibers of a spider's web.
"Asuka…"
"It'd be cute if it weren't for the fact it was Toji we were talking about," she scoffed. Hikari could tell it was somewhat of a joke, though. "I obviously can't begin to fathom what you see in him, but either way, what are you waiting for?"
"Huh?"
"Life's only so long, Hikari," Asuka said, leaning on the handrail while she looked over the city. "You won't always get second chances. Grab happiness while you can, otherwise it'll pass you by."
The brunette grinned to herself. "Thanks, Asuka."
Asuka glanced over her shoulder. "For what? I'm just stating the obvious."
---
Toji didn't show up at school the next day, and all three of the pilots were called into NERV over the lunch break. It only took about an hour before Hikari and the rest of the student body were ordered into evacuation shelters.
---
"Hikari…" Kensuke was the only one in the classroom that morning. He was especially early—he usually arrived with just a few minutes to spare, like most other students. The only one that had to be there early was the Class Representative, and that was only because she had duties to attend to.
And yet, here he was.
"Kensuke," she said, somewhat startled. "I didn't expect you to be here so early."
He looked around even though he knew there was nobody else there, scratched his head unconsciously. "Toji won't be… coming in anymore," he said, haltingly. "I don't—I don't think Shinji will be, either."
Hikari felt numb. "What do you mean?"
"I can't explain it," he said. "I can't really go into how I know."
"Try."
"But—"
"Try."
He sat down at a desk and glanced at the clock. He sighed and looked around again. "Shinji hasn't said anything since the Angel last week—I've called and called, but there's nothing, no answer. I left a few messages, but now even his voice mail is shut off. I think… I think something horrible happened, and I—I sort of had to hack a few databases for it, for this, but I had to know—whatever happened involved Toji."
He dragged his fingers through his hair and stared at the surface of the desk. Hikari's glare was somewhere between hurt and accusatory. "How?" She asked. "How do you know it involved Toji?"
"He was supposed to be…" he winced, "the pilot… for Eva Unit-03." His voice wavered. "I—I read the reports from my dad's workstation… The explosion in Matsushiro… The Angel… it was all Toji. Toji got really fucked up, and then the other Units had to be deployed…" he pounded the desk. "They forced Unit-01 to take it down! Shinji—he—he—oh god, Shinji…" Hikari could see the tears, and looked away. "Just when he was opening up; with me, with Rei, with everybody… he had… they had to… just go and fuck him over like that… oh god…"
"Kensuke…" she murmured. "Maybe you should take the day off…"
"No," he said. "No, it's—I'm—fine. It's just, sometimes… god." He shook his head and she headed back to her seat. As she wandered off, she heard him mumbling to himself, "He ran away again…"
She fished around for the glossy photograph, and somehow managed to ward off the tears.
---
Rei did not come to class that day.
---
"Dad?"
The door swung shut with a thump. It was followed by a rough and tired sigh. The man turned around and looked at Hikari. "Hey girl," his voice wavered, barely above a whisper.
"Dad… what's happened? You've been coming home later and later—is work really—"
"That boy, Ikari…" her father interrupted her worried speech. "He's in your class, isn't he?"
She stared at him, nodded slowly.
"Oh god," he closed his eyes as he slouched into one of the kitchen chairs. His rough and calloused hand ran through his hair. "None of this was ever supposed to happen," he whispered. "I'm so sorry…"
"Dad…?" Hikari could feel the tears coming, but tried to withhold the flood. "D-did something happen?" She walked around to the side of the chair. "None of what was supposed to happen? Dad?"
His hand no longer obscured his face, and he set his exhausted gaze upon her.
"Did he… is Ikari…"
For a few moments, her father didn't move a muscle. Then he closed his eyes again and rubbed his temples. "We're not sure what he is, Hikari," he said. "We don't think he's dead, but we can't verify that he's alive. The higher-ups are working to… 'resolve the situation', as they so eloquently stated."
"So…" Hikari had to clear her throat to continue. "So what's going to happen now?"
He looked at her again, miserably. "I don't know."
---
"I'm sorry, Hikari," the voice on the other end was distant. "I'm afraid that I can't offer you any information regarding what happened."
"But Miss Katsuragi—"
"Please," the older woman insisted. "I don't know what's going to happen, Hikari. I… I wish I could give you more information, but I can't. I just don't know."
Hikari was silent as she thought of what to say. Katsuragi was generous enough to give her those seconds.
"How's… Asuka doing?"
"Asuka?" There was a pause. "She's… she hasn't been feeling well. I think she's as distressed about this situation as the rest of us are."
"Is there anything I can do?"
"I wish there was, Hikari. I'm sorry."
---
Rei's back was to her as she gently closed the door to the stairwell. A cool breeze tickled the skin on her arm. A few drops of rain careened out of the sky and splattered onto the roof of the building, but they were sparse. A storm threatened overhead, but the torrent of rain was still a ways off.
"I saw you from the classroom," Hikari's utterance was soft and halting. She edged toward the stationary girl, but couldn't think of anything else to say.
Rei's gaze was directed downward, into the courtyard that occupied the gap between the three buildings of the school. The palm of her left hand rested on the rusted railing.
"Have you ever held someone's hand, Hikari?"
Hikari had to pause a moment before letting out a nervous giggle. "Of course I have, Rei."
Crimson irises were upon her at once. "Suzaharra?" She asked.
The brunette became silent and stared off the rooftop at infinity. "Yeah… it was a long time ago, though." Her reply was after a heavy pause. She looked back at Rei.
"Was it a pleasant sensation?"
Hikari blushed at the images that 'pleasant' and 'sensation' brought on. "Yeah. I-I mean, I was really little, so…" She diverted her gaze to the courtyard.
"But you wish to feel it again."
She felt a chill run up her spine as Rei said this. She shivered. "Well… yeah, of course I do. Everyone does, don't they?" When Rei said nothing, she continued. "I mean, don't you enjoy that feeling? Doesn't it feel good to know that someone cares, that you're loved?"
Again, Rei was silent. A few more rain drops spattered around them. The wind tousled their hair.
"You're thinking of Shinji, aren't you?"
Rei nodded. "Yes."
"Do you know where he is?" Hikari pressed.
Rei nodded again, but her answer was weaker. "Yes."
Hikari debated what to say next. "…How's he doing?"
Crimson eyes fell behind their eyelids. "I do not know."
She tentatively offered the pale girl a hand. "You don't have to be alone, Rei."
Rei gazed at the hand without disdain or generosity. "Do you fear being alone, Hikari?"
"What?"
"Do you fear loneliness?"
Hikari shivered as a drop of rain hit her square on the back of her neck, and slid down her back.
---
She wouldn't go home. She wouldn't go to school. All she wanted to do was stare at the television.
"Asuka?"
Nothing. A sigh, maybe, a possible slump of the shoulders, but mostly… nothing.
"I'm—I'm glad to see you're doing better," Hikari tried.
The shoulders slumped more. "Who's doing better?" the redhead grumbled.
"I'd heard you'd been really sick—"
"Yeah." Asuka's singular syllable made it difficult to continue the conversation.
Images flickered. The sound was very low, but faint explosions could be heard—imaginary people dying, imaginary lives getting momentarily disassembled, imaginary buildings falling to imaginary pieces.
"Hikari?"
Hikari picked her head up.
"Let's go to bed."
---
This was the third consecutive week of Ikari's absence. Rei had shown up every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday of the past three weeks. Asuka's attendance was sporadic, at best. Hikari was beginning to question whether it was worth printing out the extra sheets of classwork for the pilots—they didn't do it even when they were present.
"So you carry the three, I think, over to this here equation… gosh that looks complex… um, I'm not sure what you do from there. The book says something about… tangents? No. Wait. I think that's the last unit… Is there anyone present that could, um, clarify this equation?"
She missed Toji.
"Oh, and uh, I couldn't really understand most of the stuff on your previous quiz, so I gave you all A's and B's based on how well I liked your handwriting."
---
Hikari wondered how anyone could live in a place that even remotely resembled the apartment complex that happened to house one Rei Ayanami. The rest were secretly stored in a big glass tank underground, but the Class Representative had no way of knowing that.
"Figures," she mumbled to herself, as she pulled her finger away from the intercom beside the door to apartment 402. "No doorbell, no mop, no lights, hardly even a stairwell—"
She knocked, and waited.
Construction from outside the window floated in, unabashedly demolishing the lukewarm silence that otherwise engulfed and smothered the area like a pillow over the face of a helpless child.
She knocked again, and waited some more.
A fluorescent light at the end of the hallway flickered a little bit, buzzed, hummed, and went out. Water dripped out of a crack in the ceiling. A rat squealed as it fell off the window ledge and tumbled out the open window.
She knocked once more, and finally called out. "Rei? …It's Hikari."
She tried the doorknob. It was unlocked, and the door groaned as it swung inwards.
The actual apartment looked like it belonged in Prypiat, but that analogy applied rather nicely to the rest of the complex as well. The only thing missing from the cracked concrete, grime, stains, and random debris were the invasive plants. Hikari half expected to see a sapling growing out of the drain in Rei's sink.
What she saw instead was the albino herself, supine on the bed underneath the only window.
"Rei?" The girl's eyes shifted slowly, her head tilting only a fraction so as to accommodate the new arrival. She had been peacefully regarding a rust spot on the concrete wall four feet from the edge of her bed.
"Class Representative."
Hikari twitched, shuddered, felt goose bumps. Finally, she motioned to the door, trying to find something to say. "Y-you probably shouldn't leave your door open like that—I mean—anyone could come in…" She felt a blush radiate her down her neck.
Rei picked herself up off the bed and approached her visitor. Hikari wilted from her close proximity, but did nothing to back away.
"I-I uh, have the handouts you missed…" Hikari's voice faltered, drifted, and when she tried to reel it back in, all she had were two words: "…from class." The last was barely audible.
After the kiss ended, Hikari regarded her with a mixture of shock and uncertainty.
"Rei…"
Rei was unfazed. The palms of her hands still pressed against Hikari's neck and cheek. "Isn't this what you wanted?"
"I—I—I don't know—"
"If you do not know, who does?"
She withdrew her hands from Hikari's body, and turned to the sink, retrieving a glass that sat on the counter. "Would you like some water?" she asked, as she filled the glass.
"N-no thank you," Hikari shivered. "Do you know how Shinji's doing?"
Rei put the glass to her lips and took a long drink. "Perhaps I am not the one you should be asking." She wiped a droplet of water away from her mouth with the back of her hand.
The naked sun was framed by the nicked and pitted glass of the apartment's only window. Shadows stretched long and thin and littered the room. Half of Rei's face was consumed in darkness. Her eyes were polished rubies.
---
"Do you fear loneliness?"
---
"Miss Katsuragi?"
"Yeah…" The woman on the other end of the phone paused. "Listen, Hikari, I need you to... I'd like it if you could take care of Pen-Pen for me, just for a little while. I know you guys are getting ready to leave the city and all that, and—well, it's just not safe here for a penguin anymore."
Hikari wedged the phone between her shoulder and her ear by crooking her head. "Yeah, I can do that." As long as it meant having someone else around the house, even if it was just a flightless bird.
"I don't want to be a bother about it—"
"No, really. It's no problem, Miss Katsuragi. Pen-Pen will be safe with us."
"Thanks, Hikari. This means a lot to me." She paused again. "I can drop him off after my shift tonight. It'll be late, though."
"Alright," Hikari made a note on a piece of paper. "Do you—how's Asuka doing?" she stuttered the words out.
"Asuka?" The woman was silent. "She's… She's not doing so well."
"She was staying over here for a little while, but I haven't seen her since the last angel alarm…" She pulled the phone away from her left ear and moved it around to her right. "And I haven't seen Shinji in over a month."
"…Yeah."
When nothing else came, Hikari tried to find words to fill the gap. "Things aren't going so well, are they?" She spoke slowly, unsure of herself and whether she really wanted an answer.
"No, they're not. I wish I could tell you more, Hikari."
---
"I'm leaving tomorrow," Hikari said, after the sun had sunk below the frame of the window. Rei's ruby irises no longer glinted in the dark. A single fluorescent bulb flickered to life, and the room it illuminated was dingy and oppressive.
"I know," the albino softly replied.
"I just came to tell you."
Rei set her glass of water down on the counter. "What is it that you want, Hikari?"
---
Hikari sat on the floor where her bed used to be. Her things were all packed into boxes, and they were in the process of loading everything into the back of the van. In her hand was a wallet-size photo print of Shinji Ikari.
"Hikari?" Kodama's voice called up from the first floor. "We're about to head out, so anytime you're ready to come down…" she trailed off.
The photograph slipped from her hands and landed on the floorboards. Hikari wiped her face with her shirt sleeve. The door closed with a soft click.
---
From the window of their apartment in Tokyo-2, Hikari could actually see the explosion on the horizon. There were a series of flashing lights, and then an odd pause, and then an enormous flash of light.
---
Pen-Pen was a boring penguin. When it wasn't sitting around staring at cracks in the linoleum tile of the kitchen floor, it stayed in the second refrigerator. Or it took up space in the bathroom.
Every time Hikari approached him, it occurred to her that perhaps its ennui was a result of its separation from its original family.
"You miss them, don't you?" She asked quietly. The fat bird was lying on the floor with its back to her. It stared at the surface of a cabinet. When she spoke, it shifted slightly, to regard her with its beady little penguin eyes.
"Wuarghh," it mumbled.
Hikari frowned. She stood up and stared out the window toward where Tokyo-3 would be. "I miss them too," she divulged.
"Wuarghh," was the mumbled reply.
After a period of mutual silence, the penguin shifted on the floor and waddled its fat bird girth towards its refrigerator, where it slept for the rest of the day.
---
The world ended on December 31st, and there was a big fight with monsters and self-aware biomechanical robots, and everyone was melted down into primordial ooze, and the world that awaited their return was cold and barren and damaged and stained with blood.
This was called 'Third Impact'.
On January 1st, their souls were reaped by a psychotic messiah and processed by an enormous, naked, glowing, fourteen-year-old girl. Their physical forms had melted away to expose their uniqueness and individuality, and everyone was forced to confront the nakedness of themselves and each other, and the choice that was presented to them regarded the return to a flawed reality or the perpetuation of an imperfect dream.
This was called 'Human Instrumentality'.
Here is how Hikari Horaki experienced this death and rebirth:
She found herself in an auditorium. The lights above the stage were the only source of illumination. In the pitch black darkness that existed beyond the sharply defined edges of the spotlight, she felt the eyes of everyone.
Words against her mind/echoes trapped in static:
HOW DO YOU FEEL?—
"Do you fear loneliness?"
"Rei?" She called out. It was Rei's voice in the italics, her words. Hikari didn't have an answer—no—she didn't like the answer she had.
HOW DO YOU FEEL?
She was silent, coming to terms with the suddenness of her predicament.
"…Alone."
—WHAT DO YOU WANT?—
"Do you fear loneliness?"
"I-I don't know—"
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
"If you do not know, who does?"
"I—" her voice caught in her throat. "I want you—?"
THE ALBINO stood before her.
"Rei?"
THE ALBINO
I am the Rei Ayanami that exists in your mind. I am also the Rei Ayanami that exists in Shinji Ikari's mind, and the Rei Ayanami that exists in Asuka Langley Sorhyu's mind. I am a metal projection of the thoughts and feelings of all who have interacted with the physical body identified as Rei Ayanami. I am thus an intangible construct of individual perspectives—Rei Ayanami by means of popular consensus. As such, I exist only in the shared subconscious of individuals.
Hikari frowned and rubbed her head. "Then who is Rei?"
REI III stood before her.
REI III
I am the third body to harbor Rei Ayanami. I can thus be identified as Rei III, Rei, and Rei-via-consensus.
REI II stood before her.
REI II
I am the second body to harbor Rei Ayanami. I can thus be identified as Rei II, Rei, and Rei-via-consensus.
REI III
We are physically identical specimens that harbor differing versions of the 'Rei' personality.
REI II
Due to the uniqueness of our experiences, shifts in the 'Rei' personality have been made apparent. The absence of synchronized memories creates a rift within the 'Rei' personality.
REI III
This rift is symbolized by our separate existences, unique from each other.
Hikari blinked back and forth between the three figures. "But—then—who is Rei?!" she cried.
REI II
I am I.
REI III
But also I am nothing.
THE ALBINO
There is no singular Rei Ayanami. Each Rei Ayanami that has lived has existed as unique and individual from the others. Each Rei Ayanami has formed her own rudimentary identity according to the requirements of the situations presented before her.
REI II
However, due to the nature of my creation, I have only one purpose. It is because of this that I am never truly unique.
REI III
I may exist separately from the others, but I will never be singular in my existence. I am not a doll,
REI II
but I will never be free.
THE ALBINO
The identity of Rei Ayanami is therefore nothing more than a projection of the speculator's own will. The 'Rei' personality is as fluctuating and hollow as the shell it inhabits. Rei and Rei-via-consensus are one in the same. Only the personas of Rei II and Rei III are individual.
REI II, REI III, and THE ALBINO
There is no true Rei Ayanami.
Hikari shivered in her cool metal folding chair. "Then who did I talk to at school all those times?" She asked. "Who kissed me? Who made me feel needed?"
THE ALBINO
Who do you think?
Rei II smiled. Rei III remained stoic. The Albino stared. Hikari shuddered again.
WHO ARE YOU?
"Do you fear loneliness?"
THE ALBINO
You projected your need for fulfillment upon the Rei-via-consensus personality. In doing so, you merged your fantasy with reality by pursuing a bond with Rei II—an individual who had no substantial identity of her own, merely an accumulation of experiences from which she drew upon in order to survive.
REI II
You feared loneliness
REI III
because you did not understand the nature of your own identity.
—WHO ARE YOU?
THE ALBINO
The projection of what you believed to be fulfillment upon another entity separate from yourself is proof of your belief that you cannot find fulfillment within your own being.
REI III
But this is incorrect.
—WHO ARE YOU?
THE ALBINO
When you are able to answer this question, you will find fulfillment,
REI II
and you will not need to project your desires upon anyone else.
—WHO ARE YOU?
The Reis disappeared. The words continued to strobe in her head.
—WHO ARE YOU?
Neon, bright, incandescent.
—WHO ARE YOU?
Inevitable.
—WHO ARE YOU?
Relentless.
—WHO ARE YOU?
Like hammers pounding on the lid of her coffin.
—WHO ARE YOU?
WHO ARE YOU?