The Sheriff's Week and a Day Off

by Pepper Gem

The Sheriff takes a vacation and learns about what it's really like to live in his own town.

Note: this is a complete crack fic, composed in half an hour after watching the first four episodes of Robin Hood.
Any inconsistencies or out-of-character references are likely to be numerous, and I'll continue to edit this fic
as I watch more Robin Hood and develop a more accurate taste for the Sheriff's personality. XD

Entries from the Sheriff's Week-and-a-Day Off

--Day 1
I now reside in a sad little thatched-roof hut with none of my own possessions but my birds.
I'm not much for writing silly little diary-related things like girls do, but not having a job really frees one's time. God forbidding that Gisborne should find this book, I decided to lock it up in a box, but...the way my luck goes, I couldn't find the key in my room back at the fort. Maybe my birds know where it went. *grumble* They're always in that room, and if any living thing knows where a shiny key went, it should be them! If I could get them to shuttup, I should be able to ask them peaceably...
-later-
"Ooo, pretty bird, can you tell me where..."
*door opens*
*servant begins to speak* How is your vacation going...sir...?
*servant sees bird*
*servant slowly leaves*
-back to entry-
'Tis quite possible that I should have focused on fastening the latch on the door before finding the key to the box. Dearest birdie, I now despise you.

--Day 2
There isn't much that can be done about the rumors spreading that I have lost my mind. So I pace, back and forth, glaring at my styupid birds, and when I do not feel like pacing, I stare at the wall. My lack of power is utterly boring - how do the peasants manage this?
Oh, right. They have that thing called "work". Haha! I laugh. "Labor". Bahaha!! Even funnier!

--Day 3
Two days of boredom later, I feel that I must get out of this cramped little hut (for vacationing from my title of "sheriff" unfortunately means vacationing from my own home). I thought I would try my hand with the bow, so I went out to a place with hay-bale targets and took my first shot. Deary me, I struck a cat, sixteen feet from the hay. More than likely, that cat will be my dinner. Just how does Robin manage his aim??

( .com/watch?v=IRHl7iPLSd0 )

--Day 4
Seeing how there are enough peasants with the talent to shoot a bow and arrow, I must leave that to them and find another way to escape my less-than-habitable living quarters. I overheard one of my temporary neighbors speak of "sightseeing" - though I know this town like the back of my horse, I have not yet seen such beautiful ladies as he had told of. I set out to find them.
When I had strolled through the streets, I had indeed found some ladies, but nothing like he described. I don't know what the man was thinking, nor what I was thinking for starting this search. One woman had a giant mole on the side of her face that wiggled when she spoke, and yet another had a forehead that was a big enough target for an arrow even for me. The search was fruitless, but one plain-looking lady with sauce on her apron complimented my hair and made me feel just beautiful. I can go home a new man, now!
Ack.

--Day 5
At the crack of dawn, when I was forced awake by straw digging into my back, I rammed the door open and shouted, "Good morning, world! Life is beautiful, so put on a smile! One-room huts are just my style! Cat is delicious! This single tulip out front is delightful!" and I bent down to sniff the tulip. It smelled horrific, and I got pollen up my nose.
Weeelll la di da di da.
I long for my position as sheriff so terribly! My bed must miss me...Ooooh, I miss it too! I can't live with this one. It allows me no sleep. So this is what I shall do: because my funds are inaccessible right now, I shall bribe and blackmail the public into giving me what I need to survive until I return to my job.
-later-
I wasn't able to improve my bed, but free rotten meat abounds...

--Day 6
On my quest yesterday, a girl took a look at my sandal-clad feet and scrunched her nose up. I took personal offense to this, for there is nothing I prize more than my dainty feet. I haven't slept well in days, I feel insanity creeping up behind me, and the birds told me that I might need to take a little better care of myself. So I gave myself a spa day. What do you think of my feet now, little girl?

--Day 7
My vacation is coming to a close, and with this realization, I planned to do some "good" in the village. Laughable, I know. It will bring me closer favor with the public so that I can resume my usual ways with greater ease. Best of all will be Guy's expression!
I stumbled upon some younger peasants with their families, sitting around a man who was reading them a letter. One of the children complained, "Mother, why can't you read the letter?" and she replied, "Because no one will teach me."
I stepped in, kicked the reader away, stole his desk and asked for the attention of the people. They were delirious to have a teacher, because it meant that they wouldn't have to pay to read or write letters. To me, it meant one less man to employ.
I taught them to read and write the words "I", "job", "back", "my", "want", and "bloody boring". It was a very productive day.

--Day 8
Everything about this morning was happier, because I knew that some time tomorrow I would be sheriff again. The thought, however, was tantalizing. I could not wait. My sheriff-sized bed was almost tangible. How could I amuse myself until the evening?
I knew exactly what, and a smile came to my face. I would stalk "Sir" Guy, and see how he was faring without me. Surely, he couldn't have been faring well! It would be all I could do to keep from laughing.
Disguising myself all too well as my own servant, I slipped into my fort without any trouble. (The first thing I would do when I became Sheriff again would be to discipline those stupid guards I shamefully call my own!) One of them informed me that I was needed in Sir Guy's room, because he was hungry. I did not enter, but peeked through the door.
His feet were propped up on his desk, and he was reading a book. A normal scene, yes. My goal was to find something wrong with the picture, but I kept noticing things I didn't want to notice. His feet, they were prettier than mine - and I thought that I would at least find him talking to himself!
I heard someone walking up the hall, so I made it look as though I was only walking through. The person came around the corner into view, a beautiful woman, one finally worthy of praise. Did she actually live in this town? She carried a tray of artfully prepared food, and I stopped to watch where she was going. But of course - Gisborne's room! He gets a lovely maidservant, but I have a foolish young boy? When I become sheriff again, I'll be changing that!
I took out my journal then in the hallway to begin writing these notes to myself.
Guy's voice came from beside me, "Memory letting you down these days?"
I slowly turned my head his way.
"Hmhm, come, servant, you're mine today." That smirk of his was the most amused I'd ever seen it.
WELL BLAH DI BLAH DI BLAH.
And so I was humiliated by standing at his side the rest of the day.

--Day 9

However, I woke up a happier man, in my very own room. I found my key, as well, but that was after Guy ordered me to cough up this book.
*sigh*
The sheriff has finally returned.