To Have And Not To Hold
Part I
It was only natural, and to be expected.
The cards had been laid open, several times, and for a while now.
So with Jordan back home and Lu out of this specific picture, it was only natural that he found himself this same evening knocking at her door, and that she found herself letting him in.
"Hey."
"Hey." Silently, she offered him a seat and a beer, both of which he thankfully took. His eyes gave away his uneasiness as they travelled around her kitchen trying to find any changes and categorize them into JD- and not-JD-related ones. She noticed, and made an attempt at conversation.
"I still need to thank you."
He seemed surprised at that. "Excuse me?"
"Well, thank you." He followed with his eyes as she restlessly fidgeted around with her hands, and her face, and everything. For a second, he wondered if her body parts moved by themselves, without her having anything to do with it, all the time. He smiled at the idea but remembered what kind of instruments she handled at work. She probably was in perfect control of her body. Just not with him.
He took notice of an awkward silence between them and blinked. She looked as if someone that had just looked her up and down - which he had - hadn't given a clue that he approved - which he did. He blinked again. What were they talking about? Were they talking?
"I'm afraid you lost me, Jordan." His voice and face didn't match.
She looked sad, then it dawned on her, and she said: "When?"
"Around 'Hey', I think." She actually smiled at this, sat down opposite of him and brought her whirling body parts to a sudden halt. "You're tired", she stated. On impulse, he rubbed his eyes. It took her by surprise when he looked at her like he had a long time ago, when he didn't know her and she was some kind of mystery to him that he found intriguing.
"No, I'm not", he finally said, "it's just - confusing, that's all. I had a rather confusing day, I guess."
"Oh." She leaned in a little, determined to hold his attention, and said in a low voice: "Maybe I can clarify at least one thing for you, Detective."
With amusement she watched him blink some more, then blush. "You do?"
"I am eternally thankful for what you did for me today, and yesterday, and all the days before yesterday."
"Well, anytime. I guess." His eyebrows seemed to communicate with her where he couldn't. They went down when he tried to process what she just said, then up when he caught up on the "all the days before yesterday" part, then down again when he tried to decipher its meaning. At last, they went to their normal place and stayed there, almost indecisive. Jordan smiled.
It was to be expected that things evolved from there. Woody couldn't stop himself from touching her hand. She pulled it back.
"He's not coming back this time, you know?" She looked down.
"I know."
"It's a pity. First guy to take damaged goods and not be mean about it."
"That's ridiculous. You're not damaged." He didn't let her pull away this time. "Maybe some chips to your skull, but nothing serious." He gave her a lopsided grin and she asked herself where the hell he'd learned to be so convincing. She needed to take that course, too.
"We can fix this, Jordan. And we need to."
"It's just that I have no insurance this time. For all I know, you can always go back to Lu."
She looked so frail… He felt the sudden urge to explain himself. "I really really really wanted out." He pointed at her with his index finger. "And so did you. This thing between us, we hated it. I wanted to break it so desperately, I would have done anything."
"I know the feeling", she whispered. And she realised that she actually did.
"But with Lu - I found out that I couldn't just let you go." His voice had an almost pleading quality. "We should at least try. I can't get rid of the feeling that my life somehow depends on this."
"What if it doesn't work out? We won't even have the dreams."
"I don't know." He hesitated. "You might be the end of me."
They looked at each other, trying to guess what the other was thinking, coming to understand that this was real and serious and maybe the only opportunity they'd get.
Involuntarily, Jordan leaned over to him. They would at least try.
But when they kissed, it wasn't at all romantic, nothing fell into place. It was primal. Woody's eyes had a dangerous glint to them. Jordan felt like she could never let go of this man. The world as they knew it came to a screeching halt, and - only the tiniest part of a second - she wondered if that was what he meant when he said they'd probably kill each other within a week. Then she lost herself in the fog.