Author's Note: Okay, so this isn't in the style of my usual writing. In fact, this is supposed to be just a short, comical piece for a pairing I've never tried or really had a chance to read any of, Pein x Itachi. This is not meant to be offensive or character bashing at all and I hope it doesn't come across that way. I know they're probably both a bit OOC. This was actually an idea from Samurai Smee, when she challanged me to write her something funny and gave me the pairing and all. This is more just shonen-ai I guess instead of actual yaoi, but they are together. Hope you enjoy!
Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto or its characters; I'm not sure if I really own the fic plot since it was suggested to me.
Cooking Disaster
"Ugh, damn it! Damn it all to the seventh circle of hell!" is all Pein had to hear from his boyfriend before he was up from the plush black chair he had been comfortably seated in and off to the kitchen where Itachi Uchiha was tugging his ponytail and pointing at the pan as if it could possibly understand him.
They had been together for a few years now, Pein being taken with the beautiful Uchiha and that was just when he was in ANBU. He blamed the white and black uniform and the famous Uchiha looks. He simply needed him and his sharingan for the organization.
Speaking of the Uchiha, he was surrounded by various pots and pans some steaming and others boiling over. It smelled rather nice. He had abandoned his usual Akatsuki robe, leaving him in just his dark fishnet covered shirt and black loose pants. His hair was pulled in a loose ponytail with some type of elastic band as he rushed from one book to another pan and so on, but it threatened to break completely free of its confines.
He had wanted everything to be perfect for his dinner with Pein. He was a rather excellent cook when his mind wasn't in overdrive. Well, he cooked better than Pein anyway.
"Damn you all," he cursed again, throwing a spoon angrily into the nearest pot. Pein tried to resist the urge to laugh right then and there was he was so cute and rather out of character compared to his usual stoic behavior.
"Sounds like you might need some help," he smiled from the doorway, his many body modifications glinting in the sharp light. He had enough to make any mother disown him.
With a small gasp the Uchiha turned around, only to glare at his leader and boyfriend, one of the few people in their world that could exert full control over him. "What are you doing here?" he asked icily. He was in no mood for comical interruption.
"I came to see if you need help," he said smoothly.
"I know you're the leader of the Akatsuki and all, but I have this!" the Uchiha glared as he crossed his arms in his matter-of-fact stance. There was a whoosh behind him as the pan of vegetable stir fry he had been working on, burst into large yellow to orange flames, crawling their way up the sides of the gunmetal colored cookware.
"Yeah, you're on fire," Pein laughed as he pointed to the pan behind Itachi. He glared at the leader one last time before he spun around, only to find that the man wasn't just making a joke; his beautiful vegetable dish, in his favorite pan no doubt, had caught fire.
"Oh damn it! Stupid-sharingan-firey pit of hell and-" He continued with his mostly made up obscenities as he battled the flames with a spatula since that was the closest thing to his unthinking
hand. Things never burst into flame for him outside of a jutsu. He gave a frustrated cry as Pein took the pan from him, thrusting it under the tap. It wasn't like him to display such colorful language or emotion.
Steam rose from a vat of hissing as the other man held it there for a while. Itachi was sure that wasn't the proper procedure but he had been unable to put it out himself. He miserably paid attention to the other things as he was shown up by the other man.
"Now would you like some help or not?" Pein asked. The vegetables were black, like Itachi's eyes when he wasn't using his kekkei genkai. The Uchiha was stubborn.
"I guess," he said sullenly, like a small child, his bottom lip jutting out as his arms crossed and he sighed wistfully when he was done. "I just wanted everything to be perfect."
"Everything will be," Pein smiled, for once not appearing evil. Itachi gave him a few parts of the dishes to look over as he worked the others. Pein was stirring the off-white and rather thin noodles along with bits of fish in another pan; he wasn't sure what kind but probably something like tuna or salmon.
Itachi was messing around with his favorite sweet dumplings while he checked a broth made from different flavorings and continued to check the other parts of the dish that Pein had, muttering to himself about the ruined vegetables. His heart was gold though, even if he sounded perfectly insane.
"Stir that," or "turn that down," were the only things directed toward Pein as the rest were mumblings to himself about getting everything right still. He was an absolute perfectionist. Pein knew way better than to butt in and ask him something.
"I have it under control so you can leave," Itachi told him.
"Nah, think I'll stick around."
"Leave," he commanded, grabbing the nearest wooden spoon. He looked like someone's wife.
"No no, I'm the leader. I command you." Itachi huffed.
"Suit yourself." He lightly shoved the other man out of the way as he began to put everything together; first came the noodles on the bottom of the plate, then the fish, then the charred vegetables, the broth served in separate bowls, and the dumplings on separate plates.
It was a very colorful meal to say the least. The noodles were off-white, the fish a light pink to grey depending on the part showing if it were flesh or skin, the blackness of what used to be vegetables, the brilliant yellow of the broth, and finally the tri-coloring –green, white, and pink, of the dumplings on the kabob.
He set everything on the in front of the opposite pillows on the floor, the white plates contrasting with the dark hardwood of the low table. He poured them two cups of green tea from a black tea kettle into two black matching cups, steam rising from the rims.
"This looks excellent," Pein smiled as he tucked his legs under himself and sat down, waiting for Itachi to join him. The Uchiha rolled his eyes as he did the same. Pein separated his fresh pair of chopsticks, enjoying the nice 'crack' the wood made as it split under his fingertips.
"Hn," the other ninja said. Deciding to be somewhat of an ass, Pein went for the burned vegetables first. He expertly separated one in the grip of his chopsticks, holding it before his face pausing near his lips to speak.
"This is so charred that we will have ash coming out of our asses for a week," he said as he took a bite. Itachi gave him a glare that he was sure should have killed him. "But it is still very good," he said brightly as he reached across the table to hold the other man's hand. "I love you."
"Thank you," Itachi smirked. "Love you too."
X
Author's End Note: Enjoy it?