(Don't own it, wish I did, but I don't)
Fic inspired by the song Desire by Goodtimes Goodtimes. Great great song. Go listen to it soon. :)
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Desire
A feathered quill tapped incessantly on the dark wood desk. Black eyes stood still, transfixed on something physical, trivial; the mind behind the pupils was lost in space, as was his knowledge of whether he was hoping for the best or the worst. He knew there would be a knock on his door . . . but he didn't want there to be . . . oh, but how he did!
Hazy films of possibilities twisted in his head; would it be better to not hope for a knock and have there be none? Or perhaps he could put his entire being into hoping for a knock, and then he would hear the sweet, startling sound of knuckles on wood—ha! But he did not want a knock. Only bad things could come from it. Bad, bad, bad, bad, bad things . . . only something a Hufflepuff would seek.
Knock knock.
Or a Gryffindor.
Severus snapped back to consciousness with the stability of a thousand horses stopping in their tracks. He felt dizzy for a second before having the overwhelming urge to smack himself in the forehead. Why hadn't he spent this time planning what to say? Why?
You didn't want to be disappointed . . .
He restrained his hand and kept quiet for a few moments. Perhaps if he—
"Snape?"
He cocked an unimpressed eyebrow. Talk about storming the fortress.
"Dammit, Severus! I know you're in there!" More knocking.
That's more like it.
Severus stood and took a deep breath; it wasn't like he could be heard behind all the noise coming from outside the door. He took his time brushing several specks of dust off his robes, then proceeded to stroll slowly across the room, face reserved and heart beating wildly. He knew if he twisted the handle and opened the door, he'd see the flushed cheeks and lips, the angry, sparkling eyes, the messy hair, the pale, lithe figure; the beautiful face of the only one he'd ever fallen for.
"Don't make me—"
Severus pulled back the handle and a determined seventeen-year-old mass fell into his arms, obviously having tried to stampede the door. "Like you could do anything," Severus drawled as the young man regained his footing. The annoyed green eyes met his and Severus wanted, insanely, to laugh.
It was quiet for a moment. Then they both spoke at once.
"Is the train not leaving s—"
"Severus, you can't just—"
They both paused. The younger huffed. "You go."
"No, you go."
"Just go!"
"Dammit Harry!"
Their mouths were together before either really knew what happened. Severus pushed Harry aggressively against the stone wall, knocking over a bookcase and sending several volumes solidly to the floor. He didn't really need those books . . .
Harry's tongue reached through their lips for his own and young slender hands roamed up, across his chest, down and around to the small of his back, touching like Severus had touched him the few times they'd met before. Severus' hands pushed at the wall, their groins grinding together, a hand sneaking behind Harry's head and burying itself in the soft strands there. Their mouths pulled apart and Harry somehow spoke between gasps and Severus roughly stroking their erections together repeatedly.
"Sev—don't—want—leave—"
And then the most amazing sound he'd ever heard escaped Harry's lips, Severus still stroking to push himself over the edge and then—
He had the most blissful release he could remember, so far opposite the past three weeks of loneliness. He held Harry in his arms as waves shook them.
After the last hill rolled by, without thinking, Severus placed a gentle, lingering kiss on Harry's lips.
And immediately regretted it.
"You liar!" Harry almost screamed, voice cracking as he pushed Severus away. "You lying LIAR!"
It was forever a mystery to Severus how Harry recovered so quickly. A gift of youth, perhaps. He didn't even know how to respond.
"WHY DID YOU LIE TO ME?! ALL YOUR STUPID BULLSHIT—'HARRY, IT'S NOT REAL, YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT LOVE, YOU'RE YOUNG AND FOOLISH, HOW COULD I EVER LOVE SOMEONE LIKE YOU,' YOU SAID!"
Severus set his jaw angrily. "I did not lie."
"THEN WHY DID YOU KISS ME LIKE THAT?"
"I did not lie."
"YOU WOULDN'T HAVE KISSED ME LIKE THAT IF YOU HADN'T LIED!"
"I do not love you!"
"THEN STOP ACTING LIKE IT!"
"Stop yelling or leave this office!"
"I WILL NOT!" pause. "BUT YOU STILL LIED!"
"I did not lie!"
"STOP LYING ABOUT LYING!"
"FUCK, HARRY! I'M SORRY! I'M BLOODY FUCKING SORRY I LIED!"
"STOP IT—wait, what?"
Severus stared back angrily at Harry's confused face and rolled his eyes. "I lied."
"Why? What is so horrible about loving me?"
Severus avoided Harry's eyes and, had Harry not been paying attention, he would not have seen the thin lips move so silently.
"Severus," he sighed, sufficiently frustrated. "Just say it. I know I'm not the brightest or the most handsome—"
"Nothing."
Harry blinked. "What?"
"Nothing is wrong with loving you."
It was silent. Severus stepped forward, placing a finger under the young man's chin and closing Harry's wide-open mouth.
In a much quieter, defeated voice, as Severus took hold of one of his hands, Harry said, "You had me in a right state these weeks, Severus, there had to be something wrong with me."
Severus gathered him in his arms and held the young man's hand to his own cheek. He kissed the top of Harry's head, black strands tickling his lips.
"You don't want to be stuck here, Harry," he said quietly. "You want to go out in the world and become an Auror and find a handsome, nice young wizard and forget all about me."
Troubled green eyes looked up at him. "No. No I don't." He moved his hand of his own accord, brushing his thumb over Severus' prominent cheekbone and down across his lips, still red from a few moments before.
"You, I think, are the one who doesn't know what love is. I don't want to be an Auror if I can't have you. I don't want some handsome, nice young wizard who means nothing to me, when I have a handsome, secretly-nice mature wizard already who means everything. I couldn't forget you. I want to be with you, only you, Severus," he spoke softly. "That's what love is."
Severus stepped back, mask back in place. "The train will leave any minute. You must go."
"Sev, don't do this—"
"Go, Potter."
"Stop it!"
"Go." A long finger pointed sternly at the door.
Harry's nostrils flared. "As of two hours ago I am no longer a student. You can't tell me what to do anymore."
"That may be so, but this is still my office, and I am ordering you out!"
Harry stared at him, boring into his soul, perhaps trying to pull some sort of conscience out of him. When that failed, he gave one last huff and stomped out; the door was not long to be slammed behind him.
x
Severus had no work now, no naively-made potions to grade, no dim essays to distract himself with. He grabbed a book off the floor from the fallen bookshelf and began to read.
Three hours later, now fully reacquainted with the mechanics of stirring a potion properly, Severus magicked the books and shelves back to their proper place, staring at the spot on the wall far too long. He'd had his chance . . . and destroyed it in the same moment. It was for the best.
He pulled open the door and stepped out in path to his quarters, only to trip over a form lain right outside the threshold. He made no effort to get up, tired and frustrated as he was, any exertion given to finding the identity of the lump. He turned over to see Harry's face pressed against the cold stone floor, eyes half-open in a state of limited awareness. He must have stayed, persistent ass he was, and fallen asleep.
Severus maneuvered himself so he was lying on his back right beside Harry, long-fingered hands folded atop the black robes covering his flat stomach. "Potter, you realise you have caused me to fall for the first time in several years, yes?" he drawled.
"Sev—love you . . ." he mumbled, still half-asleep. "Don't ever . . . leave me . . ."
In that moment the enormity of his relationship with Harry hit Severus like those thousand horses. He'd never thought about a life together, living happily for the rest of . . . well, he knew relationships weren't always sunshine and daisies (much as he despised both sunshine and daisies), but . . . a commitment? Having someone to always be there with him? He'd never have to be alone . . .
What a strange thought.
"Let me make you ha . . ." Harry yawned. "Happy, Sev . . . russssss . . ."
Happy? That, somehow, was even stranger. He turned on his side, propping himself up on an elbow, and shook Harry's shoulder to fully wake him.
After a few minutes of groggy misunderstanding, Harry came to.
Kind of.
"Severus, I know we reached a new level or whatever, but . . ." he began giggling. "You're on the floor!"
Harry's laughter went on for so long that Severus finally had to carry the young man to his quarters, a rare smile on his features.
The first in several years, actually.
FIN
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Haha, yes I know the whole story is quite hazy (especially the ending and the understanding of the characters' situations/relationship), but it's meant to be that way. That's how it is sometimes in real life, so I wanted to portray characters realistically for one story, not in some fairytale that many believe fanfiction to be.
Yes, I also realise they are quite bipolar in this story. And again, this happens to me quite often when I am talking to people. Thanks so much for reading, please review and let me know what you think!