It had started simple enough. Just say it, I love you.
"Today is the day I will say it. I will tell Ludwig how I feel for him. I will tell him I love him, my heart belongs to him, I will shower him with hugs and kisses and make him a special dinner Maybe afterwards we can cuddle on the couch."
Feli smiled and giggled as he talked out loud to himself. About an hour later Ludwig came in the door, home from work. Feli smiled and ran to him, hugging him tightly.
"yay! Ludwig is home! I'm so happy to see you!"
Ludwig stepped back, hugging Feli in return. "Uh, hello Feli. I'm, uh, happy to see you too."
Feli released Ludwig, taking his hand and leading him to the table for dinner. Ludwig sat down looking at the large spread Feli had laid out.
"Wow, quite a dinner you've prepared. What's the special occasion?"
Feli glanced up from his plate at Ludwig. "Uhh, well, I, uh, wanted to tell you something special. Something important."
Ludwig stared at Feli, fork poised over his plate. "What is it?"
Feli stared at Ludwig, a shaking breath leaving his lips. "Um, I wanted to tell you, I...I love you."
Ludwig smiled and stared at Feli. "Feli why is that deserving a special occasion? You've said that before many times."
Feli stared at Ludwig and sighed. "I mean, I love you, Luddy."
Feli said it slowly, trying to convey the true deep meaning of his words. Ludwig stared at Feli, his eyes getting wider, a deep red blush covering his cheeks.
"Uhhh," Ludwig looked everywhere but at Feli. "Umm, excuse me," he said quickly, jumping up and walking to his room, closing the door behind him.
Feli stared after him, his mouth open. "What just happened? Why did Ludwig run from me?"
Feli had been so sure his feelings would be returned. All the signs had been there. Ludwig acted so sweet and kind and tender to him, so he assumed Ludwig felt the same. Ludwig isn't like that to anyone else but him.
Feli's smile turned to a frown as his shoulders sagged. "I was so sure he'd say, I love you too, Feli, then kiss me passionately and hold me closely."
Feli was at a loss. He didn't know what to say or do. But he was sure Ludwig didn't love him, and that he'd be sleeping alone from now on. Feli left the table and went to the couch, falling on it as he began to cry.
"What do I do now?
The next three days went by in a blur. Feli would see Ludwig in the kitchen, hallway or living room. Each time he'd look at him, trying to smile and Ludwig would blush and look away as he moved quickly from Feli. After three days of this Feli was sure not only that Ludwig didn't love him, but that he'd completely lost him even as his best friend. He'd hardly done much of anything in that three days. Hardly ate, slept or spoken. It was hard for him to sleep by himself, let alone after what had happened. Feli was walking through the garden, hands in his pockets, kicking rocks.
"What the hell do I do? I can not lose him completely. I can not lose my best friend. Even if he doesn't feel the same for me. I can't live without Ludwig." Feli felt as if his heart would burst. He began to cry, his whole body shaking as he wept. He looked across the long field behind Ludwig's house. He suddenly began to run as fast as his legs would take him, tearing across the field as hard and quick as he could, the wind whipping his hair in his face. He ran until he could run no more, and collapsed to the ground near a large tree. He pulled his knees to his chest and wept, leaning against the tree.
"No! I can't lose Ludwig!"
He looked up and saw he was near a river, the cold water flowing swiftly. "I can not live without Ludwig. I have to have him in my life. At least as my friend. No one listens to me but him. No one hugs me or holds me or cares like him. Three days without him have been so long and unbearable. I can't go a lifetime without him."
Feli stared at the fast flowing water. He knew it got very deep the further you go out. Deep enough to take his pain away.
Feli stood slowly on shaking legs. "That is what I will do. I have to. I can't go on without my Ludwig caring about me. I just can't."
He began to slowly walk towards the water. After a few steps the water was to his ankles. He looked down as it swirled around him. He took a few more steps and it was to his knees. He took a sharp breath as the cold water filled his boots.
"Just a little farther. I'll be ok then. It'll be over. My heart won't hurt so badly then."
He took a few more steps and the water was to his waist. He smiled as he cried. He thought about all the times Ludwig had saved him. How he'd shared a dish of gelato with him. How sweet Ludwig's smile was and how incredible his laugh sounded. He thought about how good it felt when Ludwig hugged him, and how safe he felt when he'd sleep beside him, snuggling close to him. He thought for a moment he heard Ludwig's voice calling his name. He knew it was only his imagination. Ludwig would not be calling him. He didn't even know Feli was here. Not outside or in the river or even in the same city as Ludwig.
Feli took a few steps forward. The water reached his chest. He could feel the current pulling him now. it felt so strong and so cold.
"Almost." he thought. "Almost enough."
He took another step forward and suddenly felt himself flying backwards, wrenched from the water by strong arms. He was carried several yards back near the tree and laid in the grass.
Ludwig, breathing heavily, leaned over him, his hands on Feli's cheeks.
"Feli! Mein Gott what are you doing? Are you alright?"
Feli lay on his back in the grass, staring at Ludwig. Ludwig rubbed Feli's cheeks, brushing hair out of his face and leaning closer
"Feli! Speak to me please. Are you ok?"
Feli stared up at Ludwig and blinked. Ludwig sat down beside Feli, pulling him up and into his lap as he hugged him closely.
"What were you doing in the river? You could have been pulled under by the current and drowned."
Feli lay limply in Ludwig's arms. "Si, I know."
Ludwig pulled Feli's face to his. "Why? Why would you do this?"
Feli sighed deeply and leaned against Ludwig's arm. "I don't want to live anymore. Ludwig doesn't love me."
Ludwig stared at Feli, shocked. "You, you want to end your life because of me?"
Feli sighed again. "I can not live without you Luddy. If you don't feel the same for me it hurts but I need you as my best friend."
"Feli I don't understand. You wanted to die? Because of me?" Ludwig ran his hand through his hair, sighing loudly in frustration.
"Ludwig, you are the most important person to me. You protect me and rescue me and give me the best hugs. You haven't even looked at me in three days. I can't bear to go on knowing I've lost you completely No one is as important to me as you are. No one makes me feel as happy or good as you. Or as cared for."
Feli sighed again, tears running down his cheeks. "If you don't love me, it hurts so much. But I will drop that if you will just please at least stay my friend. I need you."
Ludwig stared at Feli, shocked. He caressed his cheeks and chin, then brought Feli's hand to his lips and kissed it tenderly.
"Feli, why this? Why end your life because of me?"
Feli stared at Ludwig, tears slowly sliding down his cheeks. He hiccupped once and blinked.
"I love you Luddy. No one else makes me feel like you do. Everyone else thinks I'm stupid and useless and an airhead so they don't even pay me any mind. Sometimes it isn't so bad, but sometimes it feels so lonely and I want to be heard. I want someone to notice I have feelings too and I'm important too." He blinked and wiped his eyes. "You make me feel that way Luddy. You listen to me when I talk and you help me when I make a mess. You rescue me and protect me."
Feli stopped talking and looked into Ludwig's eyes. "You don't call me stupid or useless. Well, you did when we first met, but you haven't since You act like I'm important to you and that you care about my feelings."
Ludwig smiled and ran his fingers in Feli's wet hair as he took a deep breath. "Feli, you never did let me reply to what you told me a few days ago."
Feli felt his heart sink and held his breath. "Uhhh, ok?" He felt another tear slide down his cheek and he looked away.
Ludwig held Feli's hand and wiped the tear away. "Feli, I needed time to sort out my feelings. I'm so sorry it took me so long and I made you feel so terrible in the process I never meant for that to happen. I never meant for you to feel I didn't love you or make you want to end your life. The truth is, Feli, I do love you. So very much."
Ludwig blushed deeply as Feli looked up at him, startled.
"It should be very obvious too since I ran across that field and pulled you out of that river." Ludwig smiled as Feli sat up.
"Y-you mean you really love me, the same as I love you?"
Ludwig blushed slightly and smiled again. "Yes mein liebe. I love you. Very much. And I don't know what I'd do if you had been swept under in that river. I would have kept looking for you until I found you. No matter how long it took. I would never give up."
Feli smiled as another tear slid down his cheek, then shivered. The wind had picked up and the sun was setting. Ludwig sat Feli up, then stood and reached his hands to him. Feli smiled and placed his hands in Ludwig's, who pulled him up to standing, then wrapped his arms around him, hugging him tightly. Ludwig kissed Feli's forehead, then, placing a finger under his chin, turned his face up to his and pressed his lips to Feli's. Feli wrapped his arms around Ludwig's shoulders, leaning into the kiss happily and closing his eyes. After a few minutes Ludwig pulled away and caressed Feli's cheek.
"Why don't we go home and put on some dry clothes. Then we can have dinner and watch a movie."
Feli smiled brightly, and hugged Ludwig. "Ok Luddy."
He kept his cheek pressed against Ludwig's chest as he sighed deeply.
"Are you ok Feli?" Ludwig asked as he held Feli, gently rubbing his back.
"Si, I'm ok. Ti Amo Luddy."
Ludwig smiled and leaned to Feli, kissing him gently.
"Ich libe dich, mein lebe."