Authors Notes:
Disclaimer: I do not own skins or the characters mentioned in the story.
Rating: I'll go with M (Just incase) for swearing, drug use, some violence and sex scenes.
Pairing: Naomi and Emily.
Genre: A mix between hurt, discomfort and drama and stupidity on Naomi's part.
This is my very first fanfiction. Just a warning that this is NOT a feel good story. It's rather dark compared to other stories that I have read on this site. Set during season 4 and continues on past the last episode.
Summary:
Emily is completely shattered after finding out about Naomi's betrayal. Naomi is trying her best to make up for all the hurt she has caused but Emily is reluctant to open up and trust Naomi again. Along the way Naomi gets lost on her path to gain Emily's trust to the point were they're relationship is in jeopardy... Naomi becomes distant, withdrawn and secretive. Why? Emily see's the change in Naomi but doesn't quite know what's going on until she finds something… something that will test the love that they have for each other. Will they survive or will they're world completely crumble around them?
Story told from Naomi's point of view, later switching to Emily's.
The Darkness That Follows
Part I
It was no secret that I was self medicating. I was scared, no, terrified of losing Emily. The only one I have and will ever love. She was punishing me for what I had done to her. Running. Running away from everything because I was too scared to admit that I liked girls and that I loved one in particular who went by the name of Emily. We had spoken about it and I had made her believe that everything was fine, that WE were fine but deep down I was still frightened. I was being stupid, I know that now, but at the time I felt as if all the air was being sucked out from my chest. I couldn't breathe and I was feeling trapped. Then Sophia... It was a huge mistake and it should never have happened. What was I thinking? Why I thought that straying from Emily and shagging some random behind her back would make me feel better, I will never know. I tried so hard to keep it from her, to spare her the pain of finding out the truth but Emily's not a silly girl. She realised something was wrong when I had lied to the police about leaving the club early and not witnessing the unfortunate incident. Emily had done her detective work, quite well I might add, and found a photo of me and Sophia together at Goldsmith's as well as her cadet locker key. Everything pretty much went down hill from there and now there's this huge rift between us. We live together, we eat together, we go out together and we sleep together, but we are not together and it's killing me.
I had flat out lied to Emily about how I was feeling and the whole thing with Sophia. I was lying to her now. She had asked me once at a BBQ… She had asked me if I still had anymore of my 'special powder'. Of course I did, but I needed it. More so than Emily. She was already off her tits and making a fool of herself, hurting me even more in the process by carrying on with that stupid blonde bitch. I know I sound like a hypocrite and I know I cheated first and doing drugs like my life depended on it, but I couldn't stand seeing Emily like that. High as a kite with that tart kissing a set of lips that only I should be kissing… Of course, it wasn't a secret to Emily that I was drowning my sorrows in drink and spliff, but honestly it just wasn't strong enough anymore. The pain of regret and guilt topped off with the punishment Emily was dishing out was just too overwhelming for me to bear. Don't get me wrong, I deserved everything that Emily threw my way plus more but I just couldn't pull myself together. I didn't have the strength to just pick myself up off the floor and get on with it. My mind was in constant overdrive trying desperately to figure out a way to fix this great big wedge between us and I just couldn't handle the stress of it anymore. I just wanted, no needed to feel numb so when I was offered smack for the first time and I foolishly accepted, that's exactly what it did… Finally I was free.
I hadn't planned to get hooked. I was only using the stuff when things got right on top of me but the crushing feeling of hopelessness was becoming more frequent and so was my usage. Before I knew it, I would wake up and my entire body would be aching for it, and to be honest I hadn't realised that it had happened until it was too late. That was it. The only thing I did know though was that I couldn't live without it.
It was hard hiding it from Emily; she could tell something was definitely up. I would usually sleep naked, well since Sophia I would wear my knickers and a tee, but lately I was wearing long sleeved tops in fear of Emily noticing the light bruising that had appeared on my arm. The shivering, cold sweats, vomiting, never home and sleeping for hours on end when I was. I remember thinking at the time that if she ever found out there was no chance in her ever taking me back. There was still hope for us; I knew that much because she wouldn't be here otherwise but if she found out about my little secret it would drive the final nail into the coffin. I couldn't risk it; I just needed some time to sort myself out. Get my mind right, my feelings in check and do what needed to be done. Get my Emily back.
This morning, I was careless. I had my fix and put the syringe in my pocket but it must have fallen out because Emily had found it.
I was sitting on the couch watching Bad Girls. Shell Dockley, ya know, the psycho blonde one was holding Officer Jim Fenner hostage in her cell after she had stabbed him with a bottle. I was stoned off my tits and completely zoned into what I was watching when Emily comes storming into the room screaming my name.
"NAOMI"
I turned to look at her and I swear, the fire in her eyes was as red as her hair, but I was relaxed and in a good mood so I just ignored her and went back to watching Jim Fenner almost bleed to death.
"NAOMI" Emily screamed once again, a lot louder this time.
I was instantly brought back down to earth and as I went to answer, my hooded eyes still glued to the T.V., Emily was right there beside me and had dragged me by the collar of my shirt, not giving my legs a chance to work. At first I fell straight down onto my knees and Emily not realising with her hand still gripped to my shirt was choking me.
(She was fucking choking me and I swear I nearly passed out from the lack of oxygen. Fuck I was dizzy!)
She turned around because obviously I wasn't going anywhere and she immediately removed her hands from my collar when she saw my eyes rolling at the back of my head.
"Get the fuck up Naomi. Right now. Upstairs"
(Oh oh, what the fuck have I done now? I haven't even spoken more than 10 words to her today, actually more like for the past two weeks.)
I follow her upstairs, trying my best to keep steady. I'm a bit out of it and I don't fancy falling backwards down a flight of stairs and breaking my neck. Emily's waiting for me at the top staring down at me. If looks could kill… nuff said.
I reach the top step and she grabs me and throws me up against our bedroom door. I think she thought it was slightly ajar.
(Well I hope she did, because that fucking hurt.)
She steps that close to me invading my personal space that I can feel her warm breathe on my neck and not to mention, see the inferno in her eyes. She reaches for the handle, opening the door and tells me between clenched teeth to get inside, so I do as she asks.
(Bloody hell, I've seen her angry but this is something else plus I'm still trying to figure out what's got her knickers in a twist.)
Before I even had a chance to turn around to face her, she slams me up against the wall nearly knocking me out.
"What the fuck Emily?"
"Is there something you want to tell me?"
"What are you on about now?" I reply.
"One more chance Naomi"
"NO" I say to her. "I've got nothing to say to you"
She glares at me; even angrier than before if that's at all possible. She reaches into her pocket and takes out something and holds it to my eye level.
(Oh fuck no. She FUCKING knows. That's it, shows over. She's not going to stick around for you this time, Why should she? You're a weak fucking loser.)
I almost crumble right then and there, but somehow I kept my shit together.
"What the fuck is this?" she yells.
"Umm… Thought that would be obvious. It's a syringe." I reply sarcastically.
SLAP (That fucking hurt too!)
"Fuck sake, Ems" I say as I rub my cheek.
"Why the fuck is it in our house? Is THIS what it's come to Naomi? Are you a fucking junkie?"
"No" I reply.
"Whose is it then, because it's certainly not fucking mine? Heroin Naomi? Seriously, what the fuck are you doing?"
"It's not fucking mine okay. People come and go all the time, it could be anyone's."
(Another lie…)
I can tell she's not entirely convinced because the anger which she had displayed earlier has disappeared and has been replaced by hurt and confusion. She's trying so hard to hold back her emotions, but her beautiful soft red lips are quivering and it's given her away. It was just too difficult for her to hold back the tears this time round. She dropped the syringe to the floor and takes me into her arms. I gasped at the contact, mainly in shock as it's the first we've had in weeks. She's crying uncontrollably now and I'm having a hard time understanding what the hell she is saying.
(Way to go Naomi. Don't just break her heart because you're a lying cheating prick, but you've gotta stomp on the broken pieces too!)
"Please Naomi, talk to me" she says as she pulls me away just enough so she can look at me. At this stage, I really don't know what to say and the drugs are wearing off real quick. I needed to get out of here so I resort to lying again.
"Emily, it's not mine okay. I don't know where it came from so just leave me the fuck alone."
I didn't mean to sound so harsh, but this conversation needed to end in a hurry. I pushed her out of my way as I went to walk off, but she had caught my wrist.
"I don't believe you."
"Fuck sake, I don't want to talk about this anymore."
I shook her hand away and continued my way to the door.
"Naomi"
"What?"
"Show me your arms."
(Fuck, fuck, fuckity, fuck. What do I do now?)
"Huh?" I say. (I knew what she meant.)
"If this needle doesn't belong to you, then show me your arms."
"Fuck off." I replied.
(Why am I talking to her like this?)
"Don't you dare tell me to fuck off when I'm trying to help you. You're killing yourself, can't you see that." Emily screams, her voice cracking with emotion.
That was it, I had to leave before I said or done something I would later regret. I just needed to get away before I lost all control.
"My word should be good enough for you Em's… HUN" and with that, I walked off and I left her there.
I had to get out of that house and away from Emily. I felt physically sick and it wasn't just the drugs causing it either. I loved that girl so much and yet I always leave her in tears. I shook my head trying to rid my mind of the images of Emily crying. Her mascara smudged all over her pretty little face, pleading with her eyes for me to open up and talk to her… I wasn't sad, I was angry. Actually I was pretty fucking pissed off. She, we hadn't spoken properly since Sophia, so what gives her the fucking right to try now? Seriously, like WHAT THE FUCK? I mean, are we even a couple anymore? She's made it perfectly clear that she doesn't want me touching her, that I make her sick. She should just butt the fuck out… I raised the needle to my arm, hitting the vein in one go and felt the warm, pleasant feeling I had come to love sweep through my body. No more pain, no more anger… just bliss.
Ever since Emily found the needle in the bathroom, things have been very different. We're still not talking much, just the polite good mornings and goodnights really but I've noticed that she seems to be kind of clinging to me lately and everywhere I turn, she's never too far away. She just stands there, glaring at me and to be quite honest, it's giving me the creeps. Well not the creeps exactly, it's just a little irritating because obviously I do need SOME private time and it's hard to get away for 5 minutes. Her look is different too I've noticed. It's difficult to explain, but she looks angry, scared, worried, hurt and confused all at once. It's freaking me out and I hate feeling awkward. I can't even get up off the couch to use the kitchen without her asking me where am I going or what am I doing. I know why she's doing it and if the roles were reversed, I'd be doing the same thing to her. She's watching and waiting for the evidence to prove her suspicions to be correct.
It's been three weeks and things have settled down. I've been as sneaky as ever and finally gotten Emily off the scent and I think she's accepted the fact that she may have accused the wrong person. It's funny too, when I think about it because I've actually been using four times as much lately. I'm preparing myself for the speech that I'm going to present Emily with. I've decided to tell her that I love her and she means everything to me which has been something that I have been too scared to admit whole heartedly in the past, hence the reason my usage has gone way up. I know that I'll be very much out of it, but it doesn't mean that I'll be talking shit. I'll mean every word and honestly I'm so shit scared about it that I'm worried that I'll chicken out or that she'll reject me even though I know she loves me with all her heart. I'm just terrified that love may not be quite enough.
We left the party at Freddie's shed and headed towards home. I had poured my heart out to Emily in front of all our friends and I had her back. She's mine again. I unlocked the front door after a few minutes fumbling, trying the lock with every other key bar the right one. We barely made it through the door all that unspent passion between us, unleashing itself almost immediately. I closed the door and pinned Emily against it, kissing her soft moist lips only pulling back to catch my breath before continuing down to her neck. She lifted her left leg and wrapped it around my waist as my lips descended down to her collar bone. There was no time to move on to the bedroom. We were too caught up in the moment. I slowly slid my hand down her leg and back up the inside of her thigh, under her skirt and up to her…
"Please Naoms" She whispered in my ear.
I moved her panties to the side and Emily let out a soft moan at the contact.
Boy did she grip on tight. Her nails had actually ripped through my top and had drawn blood… She was almost there, that place we both desperately craved to be.
"Oh…oh…fuck Naoms…oh…I love you, I love you."
It drove me wild hearing her say those three words like that in her ever so sexy, husky voice.
Her body shock violently as she came and the screams that escaped through her lips had almost put me over the edge right there with her. I felt her body relax and she slumped her head on to my shoulder and I must admit, I had the goofiest looking grin on my face as I saw the state Emily was in. She was exhausted and struggling to recapture her breath as I felt her leg slip away from around my waist and return to its natural position. She was holding on for dear life.
"Wow" Was the only thing she could manage to say before I went to pull away so I could look at my gorgeous girlfriend, but as I did she gripped my shoulders so I wouldn't move.
"No, don't."
"Emily it's okay. I'm not gonna runaway you know."
"No…it's not that" She replied as she looked up at me. An embarrassed look spread across her face.
"What is it? What's wrong? Fuck Em's did I hurt you?" I say quickly.
"I…I…um, I don't think I can walk…just yet."
(Ohhhh, I see. Now I get it. Hahahaha)
I couldn't help but laugh, she was so cute with her face so serious. I couldn't help myself.
She slapped my arm playfully with a smirk on her face.
"Naomi, it's not fucking fun…"
She trailed off her sentence when she saw the look of pain flash across my face. I bit my bottom lip while I waited for the sting shooting up my arm to subside. Emily's eyes slowly opened wide as if something had clicked in the back of her mind and a look of realisation crossed her face as she looked down to where she had hit me.
I had turned into a human pin cushion. Little red dots surrounded by blacks, purples and yellows along the entire length of my fore arm. Not a very attractive look let me tell you. My skin, no longer pink and vibrant instead a chalky white colour and my pupils forever a tiny black dot. Dark rings under my eyes and the obvious weight loss from replacing food with smack. If I applied make up, which was necessary by this stage, I could hide the visible effects the drugs had made to my face. At worst, I looked as if I needed a goodnights sleep and as far as the track marks go, all I had to do was wear a long sleeved top, but right now this very minute. Here with Emily, everything I had feared was about to be revealed…
Emily looked back up into my eyes, anguish sweeping over her beautiful features. I started to feel uncomfortable as she wasn't just simply looking into my eyes. She was searching, analyzing them. I couldn't handle it so I took a step back and looked away. Her voice cracked when she spoke.
"Naomi, look at me."
I couldn't bring myself to do it. I was ashamed and embarrassed. How could I admit to anyone that I was a full fledged junkie? How could I admit that to Emily? I kept me gaze to the floor, too scared to look into those beautiful brown eyes. Emily moved herself away from the door and hesitantly took a step towards me raising her hand to my chin and motioning for me to look up.
"Look at me." She said again.
I found the courage and slowly raised my eyes to meet hers. She stared at me for a few moments before she frowned and I watched her eyes glaze over with unshed tears.
"You've taken something haven't you?" she asked, breaking the deafening silence.
I didn't want to lie and the cat was almost out the bag, but still I tried so desperately to hold onto my secret. I was fooling myself though. I just didn't want to admit that I had a problem… Especially not to Emily.
"No" I reply quickly casting my gaze back towards the floor.
"Please Naomi, don't lie to me. I can see it in your eyes."
"I haven't touched anything." I say defensively.
That was all it took. Emily blew up like a firecracker.
"STOP IT NAOMI. JUST FUCKING STOP IT. I KNOW OKAY. I CAN'T EVEN SEE YOUR PUPILS THERE THAT FUCKING SMALL, AND… AND BEFORE YOU EVEN THINK ABOUT SAYING ANYTHING, DO YOU CARE TO EXPLAIN THIS?"
As she said that, I felt her grab my wrist and push up my sleeve to the elbow before I even had a chance to stop her or move away. I don't think she expected to see the amount of damage I had done to myself because she immediately released my arm with a gasp, covering her mouth with her hand in complete shock. I hurriedly pulled my sleeve back down and headed towards the kitchen not wanting to discuss the inevitable.
"Naomi, please don't walk away from me." She pleaded.
Honestly I was scared to face her. I was fucking terrified and when Naomi Campbell is terrified she turns into an angry sarcastic bitch.
"Fuck off Emily"
"What? How… How could you say that to me after everything? After tonight?"
She tried her best to keep her voice level and strong and my chest tightened at the sound of it break. She reached out to touch me.
"Didn't you hear me? I said FUCK-OFF." as I flinched away from her hand.
"Jesus Naomi…" And that was it. She lost all control of her emotions and I had reduced her to tears.
(Way to go Naomi, your sure to win The Girlfriend Of The Year Award the way your going.)
"I FUCKING LOVE YOU NAOMI. WHAT DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND? HOW CAN YOU SAY YOU LOVE ME, INFRONT OF ALL OUR FRIENDS MIND YOU. BRING ME HOME, FUCK ME AND THEN STAND THERE AND TREAT ME LIKE ONE OF YOUR FUCK-ING WHORES." She screamed, tears running down her face.
I looked up at her with shock and guilt. She couldn't possibly know.
"I know… I'm not a fucking idiot so don't treat me like one. I know you have a drug problem and I know about the tarts you've been fucking behind my back, so don't you dare stand there and deny it." She said with such venom.
(I can't explain it, but whenever me and drugs are mentioned in the same sentence I automatically become defensive.)
"Well if you know so much, why the fuck did you take me back?"
Her voice was so low, I almost missed what she said.
"Because I love you" she whispered.
At that moment, I felt like I was a dear caught in someone's headlights. I had been such a stupid, stupid prick. She didn't have to keep reminding me because I already knew she loved me regardless of what we'd been through. Those other girls meant fuck all to me. My heart belonged to Emily and ONLY Emily. Those girls were just there to fill a void. I never showed them any affection and the sex was rough and quick. They were just hit and runs. I would simply just fuck them and leave them whether it was on a bed, on the floor, or in the club toilets, didn't matter. It wasn't about love or any other kind of emotion really. It was just about me getting my rocks off but to do that to Emily again, especially after Sophia I deserve to just disappear of the face of the earth… I do love Emily and I don't doubt that for a minute, a second even. I'm a complete and total fuck up.
"You love me? Ah, okay… Is that why I make you sick whenever I try to touch you? Or is it because you kissed that tart at the BBQ? YOU LOVE ME SO FUCKING MUCH EMILY, THAT'S THE REASON WHY YOU BROUGHT MANDY TO MY FUCKING HOUSE? Did you do all that because you love me?"
"Don't you turn this back around on me. You're the one who can't keep it in their pants Naomi. Remember that. I was fucking hurt, but that didn't change my feelings for you."
The truth hurts. It always does. I just stood there, staring coldly at her. What else could I do? I knew she was right and I could have easily resolved this, she had given me plenty of opportunities to do so, but unfortunately what I think and what I say are two completely different things. She reached out again and held on to my hands. She had lost all her fight.
"Please babes… I know you're hurting, I am too. I know you love me; this… this isn't you Naomi. It's the drugs. I know that. We'll get you help. I WILL help you."
She leant up placing her hands on either side of my face and pushed her lips on to mine, running her tongue across my bottom lip. When I didn't respond she stopped and looked up at me questioningly.
"Babe, it'll be alright."
I don't know what came over me. I looked her dead in the eye with my anger returning in full force. I pushed her away and watched as she slammed into the kitchen bench.
"Get the fuck off me. I'm over this shit. I'm outta here."
The only thing running through my mind at this point was the need to feel that familiar numbing sensation course through my body. Fuck Emily, I had more important things to do, like getting stoned. My muscles and joints aching with every movement I made. I had to hurry before I was sick…
"I don't fucking know you anymore. Whoever this, this person is, I don't love them." She cried out after me, standing in our front yard.
"I want MY Naomi back….NAOMI? Can't you see what it's doing to you, to us?" Her voice turning into a panic. "Where are you going? Come back, stay here with me."
(Great, now the whole neighbourhood knows. Thanks Ems.)
I kept walking, continuing on down the street and not looking back. Half of me wanted to turn around and run back to the house and pick her up in my arms and squeeze her tight. Calm the red head down, reassure her that I did love her with all my heart and I'd get the help I so desperately needed. She was hysterical and I just left her there. How could I do that? Why did I do that? Why the fuck does she put up with my fucking bullshit.
(Because Naomi, you stupid twat, she loves you.) The other voice in my mind responded.
I finally made it to the main road and walked up a few blocks, taking a left down an alley.
(Oh thank god. His here.)
"Hey" I said
"What, already? You went through all that in two days?"
"Mick please, I don't need your shit right now okay."
"Yeah, alright Naomsy, hear ya loud and clear. How much you after babes?"
"Gram will do… for now."
I reached into my pocket to retrieve my wallet only to find my pocket empty.
"Fuck"
"No money?" he asked.
"Shit, sorry Mick… can you do us a favour? Give it to me on tick?
He thougt for a minute. (I wish he'd hurry the fuck up.)
"Okay, I'll tell ya what… I'm only doin' this 'cause your one of me regulars, but don't even think about disappearing on me. You're a smart girl Naomi, so I'm sure I don't need to tell ya what happens to people who don't pay up yeah."
"You'll get your money Mick, don't be such a prick."
He extended his hand with the only thing that could make me feel better and as I went to grab it, he retracted his hand back before I had a chance to take it from him.
"Mick please…. I'm sick."
"I'm serious babe, you better be back with my cash."
"I swear okay, geez your acting like I do this all the fucking time." I said as I rolled my eyes.
"I'm just making sure." He said with a wink. "Here."
"Thank-You"
I took the gear and went to leave.
"Aren't you forgetting something?" He said holding up a syringe.
I took or should I say snatched it from his hands and proceeded to make my way back up the alley towards the main street. He called out after me.
"Babes, that's some good shit, be careful yeah."
I didn't bother to stop. Instead I raised my arm and gave him a backward wave while I mumbled to myself.
(Yeah right, that's what they all say mate.)
I arrived at my little spot in the corner on the far side of the park. It was private and kind of enclosed with a couple of picnic tables and a BBQ. You know the kind you put coins in? Anyways, I didn't have my kit with me so thankfully after a few minutes of searching the area I finally found what I was looking for. A bottle cap. I needed something to cook the gear in and this would do the job nicely. I unwrapped the foil package that Mick had passed me and broke off a smaller rock from the larger piece and dropped it into the cap. I was starting to shake by this stage and I was making a mess of it all. I shook my hands and took a few deep breaths before continuing onward. I unbuckled my belt and removed it from my pants, wrapping it tightly around my arm. I tapped the spot above the vein getting it ready. With the gear cooked and inside the syringe, I lowered the needle and rested it on the skin. (Fuck I missed.) I retrieved the needle from my arm and took a moment to try and refocus.
Sucker love is heaven sent
You pucker up, our passions spent
My hearts a tart, your body's rent
My body's broken, yours is bent
(Ahhhh, my bloody phone.)
I pulled it out from my back pocket and glanced down at the screen.
EMILY
I pushed the end call button… I was busy and I wasn't in the mood for her shit right now. I felt that we had argued enough for one night.
I picked up the syringe, placing my phone on the picnic table I was using. This time I didn't miss. I watched as the blood from my vein filled the syringe as I pulled back and once it had mixed with the clear liquid inside I pushed down and felt the BEST feeling ever. It felt like a hundred orgasms all at once and it was by far the best hit I had ever experienced. It was that intense I couldn't help but let out a moan as I felt the warm tingling feeling course through my arm and sweep through my body which caused me to lean over and vomit whatever contents that was left in my stomach, which wasn't much. It was mostly bile.
(Way to go Mick, You weren't lying when you said this shit was tops.)
I slid off the chair and slumped down onto the ground and fell into a drug induced haze.
(More like a coma.)
I woke up several hours later trying to get my bearings as I was still very much fucked up. (I had decided that my next dosage would be a little less.) It was early morning, but the sun hadn't risen yet though the sky was lit up enough to cast sufficient light for me to collect my belongings. I picked up my phone to check the time. 113 missed calls, what the fuck? I didn't even hear it ring. I scrolled through the list already knowing that they would be from Emily so you could imagine my surprise when quite a lot of them were from Katie also followed by 3 text messages. One from Emily and two from Katie.
KATIE
What the fuck did you do to my sister you dykey bitch? She's hysterical.
EMILY
Naomi, please answer. I'm worried about you. Come home… I love you.
KATIE
Answer your phone you junkie cow. Ems is worried sick. I don't know why. You're a fucking loser.
(Oh fantastic, now all of Bristol will know I'm a smack head… Fuck it, best I get home anyways, I'm freezing and need a wash.)
I stumble through the streets of Bristol while getting weird stares from the early morning joggers and the tossers walking their dogs at this ungodly hour. (What the fuck is they're problem.)
I get to my street as the sun starts to peek it's head over the horizon and I walk my way down to my house. I stop for a moment and take a deep breathe praying that the door is open as I forgot to take my keys before leaving the night before, plus I wasn't in the mood to face Emily just yet.
(Good it's opened.)
I slowly close the door as not to wake Emily and tip toe my way towards the kitchen.
"Naomi is that you?"
(FUCK)
I jumped when I heard her voice. I hadn't noticed that she was lying on the couch in the lounge room.
"Go back to sleep." I said with my back towards her, but before I had a chance to react, her arms had wrapped themselves around my chest almost crushing the life out of me. I felt her body tense up and start to shake as I felt her head rest against my back, crying uncontrollably. I try to pry her tiny little hands apart so I could get away from her death grip and finally after a few failed attempts I manage to wriggle free from her arms and continue on stepping into the kitchen. I head straight for the fridge and grab myself an icy cold can of coke, pull the ring and take a massive gulp which was stupid really because the fizzy drink went up and came out of my nose and mouth as I nearly choked to death.
As my coughing fit passed, I could still hear Emily crying. She hadn't moved an inch and was still exactly where I had left her. The strange thing is, usually when I see Emily crying the way she was it would automatically make me want to break down in tears. I could usually feel her pain. I dunno, I didn't feel anything to be honest. I stood there sipping on my coke, just watching her. I was trying so hard to think of something to say, but I was completely lost for words.
(Ah, a feeling… sadness I think.)
As I looked onto her, her hands covering her face and tears running down the length of her arms a wave of sadness swept through my entire body and settled in my chest. She was a mess. Her hair was pointing in every direction known to man and I couldn't help thinking that if the situation were different, I would think that she looked rather sexy. Of course minus the crying.
(When did I become such a cold heartless bitch?)
All I could think to say was "Ems are you okay?"
(Seriously Naomi? You can obviously see she is far from okay you dumb stupid tit.)
Emily's crying had minimized to soft sobs as she lowered her hands from her make up smudged, tear stained face and cast her eyes towards my direction.
"DO I FUCKING LOOK OKAY? What kind of question is that Naomi?"
"I dunno" I shrugged "Sorry I asked" as I went to walk off.
"Again? Your going to leave me again?" she said as she moved towards me.
"NO" she yelled as she pushed me up against the wall, so I couldn't move.
"I was worried sick about you, so you can at least have some fucking decency and tell me what or who you were doing last night." Tears streaming down her face.
"Ems, you really gotta start minding your own business. Look what it's doing to you. Just leave it yeah."
At the sight of her face drop, hurt spread across her features, I wanted so badly to kiss the pain away. I knew what the right thing to do was, but my mouth had a mind of it's own.
(Well done Naomi, she's crying yet again no thanks to you.)
"You prick. I thought you were dead" she replies her voice broken.
"Ems please, I need a shower and stuff, can we talk about this later, ya know, when you're a little less…emotional."
SLAP (She's getting good at this.)
I just stared at her blankly; blinking with my mouth slightly opened and rubbing my cheek.
"FUCK SAKE EMILY, what do you want from me?"
"I want you… please stop this. I'm scared for you okay, I'm scared of losing you."
She looked away for a second and sighed.
"Every time my phone rings when your god knows where, I wonder…" she trails off.
"I wonder, is this it? Is this the call? I can't help thinking when you don't come home for days on end if your lying… If your lying dead somewhere. Your scaring me and I can't fucking handle it anymore."
"Emily, I…" she cuts my words off with a long passionate kiss before they have a chance to be heard.
(What the hell is she doing? This is so not the right time for this.)
She places her hands on either side of my hips and she pushes herself as close as humanly possible against my front. Her hands start to wander, one going under my top and delicately stroking my stomach with her fingers. The other hand running up and down the length of my thigh. Blame it on my drugged up state, but I couldn't help but respond back even though I knew it was wrong and something wasn't sitting right. Using my free hand, I ran my fingers through her hair to the back of her head pushing her closer and deepening the kiss. My other hand clutching the coke can.
It didn't take long for me to realize what she was doing but I was too late. I felt her hand reach into my pocket and take it's contents before I had the chance to stop her.
(Cheeky bitch, she was distracting me.)
And with that she pulls away creating some distants between us with a look of victory and relief on her face.
"Give it back." I say as I tried to snatch it from her hands but she's too quick.
(God I sound like a two year old whose mother has taken away they're favourite toy.)
"No, you don't need this anymore!" she replied hesitantly, not quite sure how I was going to react.
"STOP FUCKING AROUND, GIVE IT BACK." I screamed, throwing the coke can and barely missing Emily's head as she dodged out the way while staring at me with a look of bewilderment.
(I didn't mean to throw it so close to her.)
I started to shake uncontrollably. Panic flooding over me. I was due for my next hit and I could feel the pain in every inch of my body becoming excruciating. I lunged forward to try and snatch it from her hands, this time grabbing her wrist. I tried to pry her fingers opened but she was just too strong for me and she pushed me away. The back of my head connecting with the shelf that was fixed to the wall rendering me dizzy for a few seconds before I realised I was no longer standing. I was sitting on the floor with my back slumped against the wall holding my throbbing head.
"Oh fuck, are you okay?" Emily said as she hurriedly knelt down beside me.
"No I'm not okay, you fucking… you fucking…"
I couldn't get anymore out. I could feel a burning sensation in the pit of my stomach.
(Oh no, I'm gonna be sick. Got to get up.)
Too late. I leant forward and spewed my guts up all over myself. Emily panicked and didn't know what to do. Her breathing quickened and to honest I thought she was on the verge of hyperventilating.
"Babe, come on. Get up."
"I can't" I said in slurred speech still seeing stars.
"I'll help you; hold on to my shoulders… Come on, we'll get you into the shower."
After a few attempts, I was finally on my feet using Emily as my post. I tried to walk by myself but nearly ended up head butting the floor. Lucky for me, Ems was ready and waiting.
She ran the water and while she waited for it to get hot, she undressed herself and then turned her attention on to me. I felt so weak so I took a seat on the edge of the bath while Emily undressed me also. I hated this, being looked after. Normally I'd protest, but I simply didn't have the energy. I was just a shell. An empty, pathetic shell of the girl previously known as Naomi Campbell.
After the much needed shower, Emily assisted me in getting dressed and forced me into bed. I was a little bit more clear headed. The effect of the head injury I sustained earlier had faded, but my focus was on the pain that was surging through my body as I laid on the bed in the fetal position, shivering in a cold sweat.
"Ems I need it, please. Just a little taste." I said clutching my stomach while my teeth were chattering.
Emily wrapped her loving arms around me and pushed herself against my back, whispering into my ear.
"It'll be alright Naomi, I'm here okay."
(I couldn't take it anymore. I know she was looking out for me and after all the shit I've put her through; The lying, the cheating, the drugs, she's still here trying to comfort me but the need for the drug was just to strong.)
I was like a wild animal. I flipped myself over and straddled Emily's legs, pinning her down on the bed beneath me.
"WHERE THE FUCK IS IT YOU FUCKING BITCH."
"No Naomi, get off me." (She's crying again.)
"Please don't… Do this for me, for us. I can't let you do this to yourself. I love you too much"
"'I DON'T FUCKING LOVE YOU OKAY. I never have. You're just another tart too me… Now fuck-ing give it back."
She was shattered. She didn't even put up a fight when I patted down her pockets in search of what I was after.
(Yes, found it.)
I climbed off her and went straight to my closet to retrieve my kit that I was hiding in one of my jackets. I left the room with Emily still on the bed in hysterics. I ran straight to the bathroom, sat on the edge of the bath, cooked up, injected and felt all the pain wash away.
SLAM
"Fuck Ems. Quiet yeah?"
"Take another look, you lezza bitch!"
"Katie, what the fuck are you doing here?"
Katie came rushing towards me at full speed, dragging me up by my shirt and when I was standing she punched me square in the nose forcing me back down on my ass. I cupped my nose with my hands and felt the warm liquid run down my face and through my fingers. I tried to stand back up, but Katie took another swing, this time in the guts, knocking the wind right out of me. I slumped to my knees unable to breathe, blood dripping everywhere. She pushed me to the floor and started kicking the shit out of me.
"Who the hell do you think you are?" I said weakly.
"I'm Katie Fucking Fitch and no one hurts my fucking sister."
CRUNCH, her foot connecting with the side of my head.
I hear loud footsteps running up the stairs. Emily bursts through the bathroom door in a panic.
"Katie stop… FUCKING STOP. SHE'S NOT WELL."
(Thank god, because the way Katie was going, I was gonna end up in the morgue.)
Emily got in between Katie and me and rushed down beside me. She saw all the blood and immediately stood back up and popped Katie in the eye.
"Ouch…Bitch"
"Katie, you promised me you were just going to talk to her."
"I did talk to her. Knocked some since into her too." She replied holding her eye that had already started to swell.
"There's blood everywhere. Look what you've done to her."
"She needed to be taught a lesson, dozy cow."
"Just get out okay, you've done enough."
"But Ems…"
"GET OUT."
I moaned in agony and Emily diverted her attention to me. Katie huffed and puffed but decided to leave without saying a word. I was lying on my back which was a bad idea because I started to choke on my own blood as it went back up my nasal passage and down into my throat. Emily rolled me over onto my side sobbing quietly, her tears falling onto my cheek.
"Babe, I'm so sorry"
I tried to reply, but what came out was gibberish.
"Shhh, don't talk" she said as she ran her fingers through my hair rocking me gently back and forth.
"We'll get through this okay…together." She stopped talking for a moment as she wiped the tears away with the back of her hand.
"As much as you broke my heart, I know you didn't mean the things you said. I still love you Naomi. Nothing you say or do will ever change that."
I woke up feeling like I had been hit by a freight train.
"Wakey wakey, hands off snakey"
"Jesus Tess, what time is it?"
"Um, it's like 2.30 in the afternoon babe. Time to get up"
Since all the shit that happened with Emily and Katie five weeks ago, I decided I needed some space. Time away. Emily and me had been fighting like cats and dogs for like two whole weeks after Katie had used me as her punching bag, so I just upped and left without saying a word. It was easier that way. I decided to come and stay with Tessa for a bit. She was cool and she wasn't bugging me all the time about the drugs, we had a 'casual' relationship and it's exactly what I needed.
She leaned down and gave me a peck on the lips. God she was sexy. I would have taken her there and then but I had to get rid of this freight train that was wedged right up my ass. I got up and went to the bathroom and went through my daily ritual to relieve myself of any pain and discomfort. I brushed my teeth and drank some water. I was feeling a little dehydrated, and then I went back to Tess' bedroom.
(Now I can have my wicked way with her.)
Emily and I still spoke and we saw each other every now and then, but I tried to keep it at a minimum because I was getting sick of hearing her begging me to come home. I wasn't ready. She was trying to keep up a brave front but every visit ended up with me saying the wrong thing and her balling her eyes out. She had no idea I was fucking Tess, but it didn't matter, it's not like I was fucking Emily anyway. I mean, we were still together, but we weren't if that makes sense.
"Come on babe, just one dance yeah?"
"I don't really feel like it, can't we just go straight home?"
"Pleeease… I promise. One dance."
I sighed "Okay, fine. One dance and I'm outta here, with or without you."
Tess grabbed my arm and dragged me into the club and straight towards the bar. We downed 3 shots each, which was plenty mixed in with the drugs; and she pulls me on to the dance floor. It was 90's night, so the music wasn't too bad; there was some good dance stuff from the 90's. As we hit the dance floor, Monifah's Touch It came blearing through the speakers. I wasn't really doing much. I was too fucked up for dancing so I just kind of stood there. Tess was rubbing her ass on my front which snapped my attention straight back to her.
(I couldn't help but think that I wished it was Emily doing this.)
She spun around and started grinding herself up and down my thigh. Actually to describe it more accurately she was practically humping my leg and I couldn't help but kiss her; placing my hands on her ass. I swear, people must have thought we were fucking in the middle of the dance floor. I pulled away from her and grabbed her arm, pulling her towards the toilets before all hell broke loose and I lost all control. I couldn't wait to get home; I was too um… hot.
I pushed her into a cubicle, not even bothering to lock the door… no time. I popped the toilet seat down and sat on top pulling Tess down on top of me. She straddled my legs and I lifted her skirt up, just enough so I could get my hand under there.
"Oh Jesus. Fuck Naomi."
She starts rocking her hips back and forth as I sucked on her pulse point, keeping up to the rhythm that I had set. Her moans were becoming more frequent now. She's almost ready to blow…
"OH MY GOD NAOMI."
I instantly stopped what I was doing and glanced over Tessa's shoulder.
(I know that voice.)
"Fuck. Shit. Emily."
She looks at me with her puppy dog eyes and I nearly die right then and there by the sight. The devastation across her face is completely heart shattering.
(What the fuck are you doing Naomi? You know you're killing her right. Do you even care you selfish twat?) My own mind questioning itself.
"EMILY, WAIT"
I throw Tessa off of me, not stopping to see if I hurt her or if she was alright and run straight after Emily.
(Where is she?)
I'm panicking by this stage, my eyes darting in every direction of the club when I see a flash of red heading hastily towards the exit and disappear. I burst through the door almost knocking out the security guard as I exited on to the street.
"Emily, wait…please."
"No Naomi, that's it. I'm done. She struggled to say through her tears.
I was gob smacked.
(Naomi, what did you expect? Get real would you.)
"NO…you can't leave me. I won't let you leave me." I said frantically.
"I've tried to help you, I really have. But you obviously don't want to be helped" She sobbed. "I just… I can't do this. I can't watch you fuck EVERY girl that looks your way and I can't watch you kill yourself. I'm not strong enough…."
She had to stop to regain her composure. She let out a deep breathe and as her lips quivered she could only manage a whisper. "You don't love me anymore." She sniffed "I'm sorry, I… I have to go."
"No, don't say that Ems"
She turned to walk off, but her legs gave way. She crumbled to the floor with her head in her hands. The weight of the world to heavy for her to carry on her petite little shoulders.
"Emily please don't say that. I know I'm a fuck up. I know, but please… I DO love you."
I kneel down beside her and take her hands from her face. She looks up at me completely broken. For the first time in months I finally felt something. An emotion. It was called heartache and despair. My brain and my heart we're finally in sync with each other and wave of realisation hit me.
(I fucking love this girl. I can't lose her. Not like this. It's true what they say. You don't know what you've got 'til it's gone.)
I had worn Emily down to a little nub and majorly fucked with her head. I was just praying that the damage caused was repairable.
(You should just drop dead Naomi. It's not easy corrupting a being so pure, but congratulations. Give yourself a pat on the back for a job well done.)
"Look me in the eye and say that" she replied.
"I Love You."
"You're off your fucking face Naomi. How am I supposed to trust what you say? Actions speak louder than words… you've proved that to me."
I grabbed her hand and put it on to my chest and over my heart.
"Can you feel that?" I say to her. She nodded her head in agreement.
"I fucking love you" I say once again.
(It's not working, I'm losing her.)
"What about your girlfriend in there? Do you love her too?" she replied hatefully.
I started crying. I couldn't help it. I know how very wrong I was. The lying, the cheating. I was in the middle of losing her. How could anyone forgive, forget and move on from here? What I've put her through, God, I can't even bring myself to think about it. I was a pathetic loser and most definitely not deserving of anyone's love, especially not Emily's. I took her for granted and it was the biggest mistake I had ever made.
I had ignored her question, mainly because I didn't really give two fat fucks about that tart I left in the club.
(Terrible, I know.)
"I'll do anything you ask…ANY-THING. I'll come home and I'll fucking stay there. I'll never leave you again Emily. EVER. You're all I've ever wanted, more than I ever needed, do you understand what I'm trying to tell you? I'll…"
"What about the drugs Naomi?"
"I swear to you, I'll never touch this shit again." I pulled it out of my pocket and tossed it down a near by drain.
"I know I've fucked up and you've given me plenty of chances to correct myself. I know that Ems, but please give me one more chance, I'm begging you. I'll do anything you want me to, just don't give up on me now. I need you. I'll die without you. Please Ems... I'm sorry"
Emily paused for a moment. She was thinking… She wiped her tear stained cheeks with the end of her sleeve. She leaned in and gave me a quick peck on the lips as she wrapped me into a hug. She placed her mouth close to my ear and she whispered.
"I haven't forgiven you."
"ohh-kay." I say nervously, not sure if this is goodbye.
She pulls away, stands up and starts to walk off. I couldn't watch her leave so I cast my gaze to the ground.
"You coming?" she asks
I look up at her with my mouth open trying to form a sentence. I couldn't speak, I couldn't move. I was stuck. She walks back over to me, extends her hand… and I take it.
TBC...
Hope you like it. Thanks for reading :)